TAgate Posted September 16, 2019 Share Posted September 16, 2019 Hi, My boyfriend and I have been together for awhile (3 years almost) and we both agreed that lately things have been extremely routine and somewhat stale. I want to help "un-stale" this but don't know how. Unfortunately he just started a new job a little over a month ago so due to that we can't exactly go on a vacation anywhere. For couples who've been together for a long time I want to ask you this - what did you do when the spark was slowly dying? I'm talking both inside AND outside the bedroom. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted September 17, 2019 Share Posted September 17, 2019 This likely gets moved to a different page... It’s typical for a relationship to get routine. If you are worried about something missing you need to drop the fantasyland thing. You can do things different for dates. You can still do a weekend trip within a few hours if you. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted September 17, 2019 Share Posted September 17, 2019 Wigs and role-playing. Link to post Share on other sites
devilish innocent Posted September 17, 2019 Share Posted September 17, 2019 We found games we enjoy playing together, or we go out to new restaurants, or go to movies, or take short road trips, or visit friends and family we haven't seen in a while. You just have to figure out what you can both enjoy, or just try doing things that are different from your usual fare. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted September 17, 2019 Share Posted September 17, 2019 I did date one woman (years ago) that would strip down naked and walk into the living room while I was watching TV or greet me that way when I came to pick her up for a date. It was fun to have instant spontaneous sex. This woman was also OK with camping, so little vacations and weekend get-aways were inexpensive. A can of spaghettio's for dinner under the stars, waking up the next morning next to her in the tent, hiking around different National Parks, etc. It was a lot of fun. It got us off of the couch and we got to experience different sights and sounds. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 17, 2019 Share Posted September 17, 2019 For couples who've been together for a long time I want to ask you this - what did you do when the spark was slowly dying? I'm talking both inside AND outside the bedroom. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated. Go on a date. In the beginning, the world stopped so you two could carve out time to be together. You let the laundry pile up; you left work on time. The most important thing was your SO. As you both got more comfortable with each other the world crept back in. You fulfilled your obligations letting romance slide. Now at least for 1 day per week you have to go back to the relationship & each other. If he's tired from work, he needs to dig deep & find that 2nd wind. You need to get dinner together (take out or crock pot is OK) & be romantic. . . candles, no work talk, just be & flirt. Find some time to put your relationship 1st. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted September 17, 2019 Share Posted September 17, 2019 Routines are boring...after about two years most romantic relationships fall into routine. I have been with my wife since we were about 16 years old. Almost 30 years later we are constantly trying new things (outside of the bedroom). Adventurous stuff. Romantic dates are nice, but they dont promote much none romantic bonding and often requires you to be in the right frame of mind. Go do stuff together that might make you sweat abit, or requires you both to complete. example these past few months my wife and I have been training to skydive. Not sure we will actually find the courage to jump out of a perfectly working plane but it's been fun so far. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aria789 Posted September 17, 2019 Share Posted September 17, 2019 Adventurous stuff. Romantic dates are nice, but they dont promote much none romantic bonding and often requires you to be in the right frame of mind. Go do stuff together that might make you sweat abit, or requires you both to complete. example these past few months my wife and I have been training to skydive. Not sure we will actually find the courage to jump out of a perfectly working plane but it's been fun so far. I agree. Try to do sports or extreme. Experiencing such strong emotions always gives sparks in relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 17, 2019 Share Posted September 17, 2019 Adventurous stuff. Romantic dates are nice, but they dont promote much none romantic bonding and often requires you to be in the right frame of mind. Go do stuff together that might make you sweat abit, or requires you both to complete. Good advice. I think the triumvirate of movie/dinner/shopping is part of what contributes to the stale feeling. In and out of the bedroom, think outside the box. My wife and I have done everything from taking classes together to playing mixed softball. And being on a team with her, seeing how much other people liked her, reminded me of why I fell in love with her in the first place. Stale = lazy. Effort invested in a relationship is rewarded in many ways... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 17, 2019 Share Posted September 17, 2019 Try to find a hobby or interest that you both can get very into (in the sense that becomes part of your identity) and both participate and mutually support each other in it. You probably haven't hit this point yet, but suggest you don't skip "duty sex" to get you (and probably more so him) through less exciting times. You could try exploring each other's kinks/fetishes if you haven't tried that already. But I think everyone above is quite right in pointing out that it's a lot more than just bedroom stuff that makes a good LTR. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted September 17, 2019 Share Posted September 17, 2019 We also play coed softball, trail rides go to the gym and workout together. I often take her classes in zumba and occasionally do crossfit with her (bad knees so that puts me on the shelf for a couple days). Your right about the being on a team and seeing her through the eyes of others. Routine leads to taking your partner for granted, taking them for granted leads to losing attraction which leads to losing respect and desire to maintain your relationship. Break the routine Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted September 17, 2019 Share Posted September 17, 2019 The spark starts to dim when the couple's goals in life are no longer pointed in the same direction. Is what you wanted 3 years ago what you moving towards today? If not, work on ways to realign. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted September 18, 2019 Share Posted September 18, 2019 I'm glad others have mentioned activities. I think going stale means you guys need to do more fun activities. Separately and together. And paradoxically, I think you need to relax. Don't go into an activity expecting immediate reigniting of the spark. Relax ... if you guys have a real connection, the joy of being together will come to you ... So do some interesting trips, events ... hobbies ... And just relax. You may need to discover each other at a deeper level. You are past the initial phase of getting to know each other, trust me, when I say there are many more layers of getting to know a person. Accessing those layers may not seem exciting (trauma might come up, alcoholism ... old crazy experiences) ... but you will know the person deeper, which can strengthen the bond. Are you guys both working towards goals that excite you? A relationship cannot be all that much better than the two individuals. If you guys are individually in ruts ... going through the motion at your jobs ... watching tons of tv ... sitting around ... .then yes, the relationship will become stale. Keep in mind that despite all the above, it's actually OK to discover that the relationship has run its course. I'm not posing that as the first possibility (no need to assume that). But that happens. Sometimes people just hit a point where they have reached their potential as a couple and things are just stale. Again, I think the best antidote to that is for each person to be doing interesting things on their own. And that vitality can feed the relationship. And with each partner engaging in interesting hobbies and interests, they can then suggest mutual fun activities. Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted September 18, 2019 Share Posted September 18, 2019 Routines are boring...after about two years most romantic relationships fall into routine. I have been with my wife since we were about 16 years old. Almost 30 years later we are constantly trying new things (outside of the bedroom). Adventurous stuff. Romantic dates are nice, but they dont promote much none romantic bonding and often requires you to be in the right frame of mind. Go do stuff together that might make you sweat abit, or requires you both to complete. example these past few months my wife and I have been training to skydive. Not sure we will actually find the courage to jump out of a perfectly working plane but it's been fun so far. We also play coed softball, trail rides go to the gym and workout together. I often take her classes in zumba and occasionally do crossfit with her (bad knees so that puts me on the shelf for a couple days). Your right about the being on a team and seeing her through the eyes of others. Routine leads to taking your partner for granted, taking them for granted leads to losing attraction which leads to losing respect and desire to maintain your relationship. Break the routine I agree with everything DKT3 has written. There's actually research out there that indicates that when couples get their adrenaline and/or endorphins flowing together - sparks fly. Think adventure, exercise, and even a little competition/rivalry. Abseiling, archery, weights, HIIT, canoeing, park runs, even scary movies... so many options! Good luck OP Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 18, 2019 Share Posted September 18, 2019 Abseiling Had to look that one up. No thank you ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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