Quirkyfox3 Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 This might be long sorry. I've been married for about 16 years to a wonderful caring man who is also a wonderful father to our son. I have recently discovered some photo's of myself on my husband's phone, they were hidden in a secret app, they were photos of me sleeping/passed out and videos of me getting dressed. The photos were really intrusive...like zoomed in on all my privates (I was passed out naked) and even one where he put my head on some other porn picture. (I snooped yes...but it was only because I realised he was holding his phone weirdly whenever I was getting dressed...on a few occasions, and this will not be the first incident) I confronted him about this a few months ago and he said that he was sorry and he will delete these photos and videos of me...which he did. I am not an emotional creature at all, I don't always understand certain emotions and how to cope with them, thus I just shut that part OFF or at least try to. I was fine, but recently I've been feeling uncomfortable whenever he would be on his phone when I would get dressed, so I had a look again. I found no photos of me, only a ***** load of porn, and then I found he was on webcam porn sites, I started wondering...why was he recording videos of me? Did he post them to these webcam porn sites before? So I started dealing with this emotions best I could, and I tried to suppress them, trying to sort it out by myself...but I started getting cold towards him. I confided in my best female friend one night and told her that I don't know if I can love him if I cant even trust him because of what he has done. Well my "friend" decided to take it upon herself the following weekend when drunk to tell my husband that "I DON'T LOVE HIM ANYMORE"...conveniently forgetting the rest of the details. He completely lost it, and I asked him if I can talk to him the following day when everyone has sobered up. The following morning I spoke with him and explained what the problem was and that it was taken out of context, I told him to just let me work through it best I know...and to please just understand and give me time and space to do this I will get it sorted by myself. At first he understood...but then he accused me of having an affair??...we just left it there...because he rushed out of the room. The following Tuesday I started noticing he was not himself and I asked him what was wrong...he said that he was worried about what my friend has told him...After a while I realised that he could not remember a single word I have told him that Saturday morning...but somehow he remembers what my friend has told him...Well this made me pretty mad obviously. So he wanted me to talk to him and get my emotions out...what followed was a very long text to him telling him that I just really need space and time and that they are making it worse by trying to get me to "let my feelings out" and talk about it. (this was the following day I texted him) Forward another weekend my husband and female friend was in another room (he was calming her because she cried..she and her husband has some bad problems as well)....they came back at some point he walked past me angrily, pushed my leg and said I need to move because he NEEDS SPACE and all of this is my fault. As the night progressed he became more aggresive and at some point actually had his finger in my face while screaming at me. That morning still drunk he just carried on again, telling me that he has made a small mistake and I keep bringing up old issues. He tried to pack himself a suitcase but could not manage. (He had this idea that I have chased him out of the house..which I have NOT done by any means at all...we were sleeping when he just stood up and left the room to sleep in another room) He now keeps telling me he is sorry and asking me if we are ok..keeps telling me he loves me and he cant lose me..but I don't know if we are ok. I don't know if I can do this anymore... I care deeply for him...but I now have trouble feeling anything more than just pity actually. I feel sorry for him...when I look at him all I see is this very aggresive person.. someone I have never seen in him in all our time together. What do I do from here? How do I trust him again...and feel for him again, will I ever again? My so called friend and him wanted me to open up, which I did do in the text I sent him...but now he seems hurt, and she cannot understand why I am angry because she did say sorry to me for telling my husband what I have told her (out of context) It will be so much easier to just shut down and to let them sort this out by themselves, but I cant leave it like this.. Link to post Share on other sites
Kitty Tantrum Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 Unprompted/baseless accusations of infidelity are often projection. His behavior is already in potential sex addict territory. I'd start looking for indications that HE is having the affair - maybe with this so-called friend who seems to be teaming up with him against you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 telling me that he has made a small mistake and I keep bringing up old issues A small mistake? Are you serious? He took explicit photos and videos of you without your permission. He visits porn webcam sites and you suspect he may have uploaded videos of you to them. This is not a small mistake, this is a whole litany of grounds for divorce. The reason you keep bringing it up is that he has totally failed to show any kind of remorse for his actions, and in fact, continues to behave inappropriately. And now he's got the gall to accuse YOU of cheating? As Kitty says it may be projection and your so-called friend seems like a prime suspect. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 This might be long sorry. I've been married for about 16 years to a wonderful caring man who is also a wonderful father to our son. I am not an emotional creature at all, I don't always understand certain emotions and how to cope with them, thus I just shut that part OFF or at least try to. I started wondering...why was he recording videos of me? Did he post them to these webcam porn sites before? Your relationship is in serious trouble. The drinking is out of control and if you cannot moderate it then you will have to eliminate it. Your communication is very poor. When you speak to one another you are not hearing what the other is saying and so come to the wrong conclusion or dwell on the wrong facts which causes fights. Obviously (to me) your husband has fantasies about porn and perhaps it's a good thing for your relationship that he sees you in that picture instead of someone else. It can be a problem if obsessive but it can also be fun if you both participate. What you tolerate in the bedroom is up to you. The problem with the nude pictures is if you two get into a real knock down drag out fight will he use those pictures to exact revenge by making you a porn star on a popular porn site. That's always the chance you take. I wouldn't do it. You may think your husband is a wonderful man but I was hard pressed to see that from what you posted. You both seem somewhat dysfunctional but there is hope. Dump the alcohol. You'll save money and live a better life. Get some counseling or self-help books on communication within a marriage. Lots of books available so I would read a couple before I pay a counselor. Purge all nude photos of you so that you cannot be compromised in the future. This is very important from your point of view. Find a better friend because she may have some designs on your husband. Best Wishes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 It will be so much easier to just shut down and to let them sort this out by themselves, but I cant leave it like this.. Interesting how much you use "them" and "they" when referring to your own marriage. Which leads me to - - way too much involvement of this friend in your marriage and its problems and apparently you and your husband in hers. If you want to talk to someone, see a therapist or better yet, go to MC - way too much alcohol and (see above) resulting drama for a healthy family setting. So drunk he couldn't pack a suitcase? So wasted he can't remember your conversation? Not the right way to live life. - lastly, you marriage needs the help only a trained professional can provide. Your H needs counseling for his highly inappropriate and destructive actions and the two of you need better communication skills. Making those appointments - and cleaning out the liquor cabinet - would be my next steps... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 He very well probably did post some photos or video of you. You know, you can report this to the police but only if you'll follow through. Don't waste their time if you're not going to press charges. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 Wow, I'm not sure why you love this man! He sounds very creepy to me. He has invaded your privacy massively and not apologised. He may even have done it again and possibly posted pictures of you to some porn site. Your 'friend' let you down. You need a better friend. I would not confide in her again. She seems to be trying to destroy your marriage by such mischevious meddling. I suspect the reason you feel you need space and time is because you understand you are not able to get your head round this betrayal. By distancing yourself from your husband and friend, you will have chance to think without their warped input. Maybe it would be a good idea to visit a 'better' friend or some relatives or even go on a retreat, to give yourself space to think and recover from what must have been an awful shock. Link to post Share on other sites
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