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My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2yrs. now. He recently moved in bringing most of his possessions. He has a spare room to himself which he can make into an office. He has children,I don’t. He wants to put pictures up of his children in my living room. I said he could,but asked him to please put pictures on tables because I already have things on the walls and would rather keep them there. I also told him he has a room in which are 3 walls where he can put all the pictures of his children up. He refuses this idea. There is a collage of his children already on the dining room wall. I like his children,but they are not our children but his. This is my house too. I don’t understand why he is so opposed to this. I also have never really been a picture person.

 

Any thoughts on this matter would be greatly appreciated.

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stillafool

I too don't like a lot of photos around, especially on the walls. I think it is quite insensitive of your bf to not understand your point.

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PegNosePete

I think it's a more than reasonable request, considering it is YOUR home that he moved into.

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? Not sure what you mean. We do not plan on getting married if that’s what you mean.

 

May as well. The relationship and living dynamics are going to be the same. The only thing missing is the state sanctioned legal protections which are just about meaningless under common law.

 

In every relationship one of the partners loves more than the other or feels as if the connection is deeper then it really is. You obviously want to keep a part of your life separate from your boy friend.

 

Go to a lawyer and have an agreement written up that stipulates what is yours, what is his, and what the rules are. If you don't, you will be continually fighting a losing battle as your boundaries are crossed. The pictures will not be the last point of contention. It will be become a big deal in your life to the detriment of your relationship.

 

Best Wishes

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This is very interesting to me as my boyfriend moved into my home and he was actually less inclined to put his family photos up with mine.

 

I was actually requesting photos of his mom, (whom I care for very much), his brother, all his family and him. I took the initiative to put he photos of him and his family up because we are one and it is as it should be. I want to be inclusive.

 

My boyfriend would say, this is your space, and I would correct him and say this is our space. This is what motivates my heart and how it should be. If we are togther, then be together.

 

I consider, things like, if the roof leaks, is it ours to repair, or mine, if something needs painting in the house, should my boyfriend and I paint it or myself. We are living in it and using it together now, so I hope we share all the good and bad together. when we have a party do we just invite my family or both our famiies?

Edited by skywriter
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loversquarrel

Before my wife and I got married she moved into my house. I pretty much let her hang pictures wherever she wanted and she was always thoughtful to ask of my opinion. I guess it's because we loved eachother... maybe a bit of that is missing in your relationship?

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? Not sure what you mean. We do not plan on getting married if that’s what you mean.

 

But how do you view the relationship - temporary or permanent?

 

If you were really going to be partners, you'd be sharing the space, as opposed to "him" living in "your" house. And the decor would reflect that fact, drawing on both your histories, interests and backgrounds.

 

You're either all in or you're not. You seem more "not", tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I think it's a more than reasonable request, considering it is YOUR home that he moved into.

 

I disagree completely. When one moves into a residence, it becomes their home. If she wants him to feel at home, she should be less rigid about this small matter.

 

Also, OP, your wording of 'they're his kids, not ours' struck me as rather cold. If you're to be in a relationship with this man, I'd hope you'd make some sort of effort to make his kids feel comfortable around you and happy in your now SHARED home. Having their parents split up is bad enough, but if their father's girlfriend is not kind or welcoming to them, you'll only make them resent you, which in turn will make him resent you. I hope you're not cold to them.

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I'm not a picture person, so I understand you not wanting them to cover your walls.

 

You said there is a collage on the wall in the dining room, and he can put out pictures on tables.

 

To me that seems very reasonable and doesn't indicate any lack of commitment to him or your relationship. But apparently he feels like the posters who see it differently.

 

So it's one of those things you have to figure out together.

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I'm not a picture person, so I understand you not wanting them to cover your walls.

 

You said there is a collage on the wall in the dining room, and he can put out pictures on tables.

 

To me that seems very reasonable and doesn't indicate any lack of commitment to him or your relationship. But apparently he feels like the posters who see it differently.

 

So it's one of those things you have to figure out together.

 

To further explain my position..now that he's moved in, it's his home too. He should have an equal say in decoration.

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op,

I understand that it can take some time to shift form the " it's my place he moved in to" to "it's our place", but it will have to happen at some point.

 

If he is paying the utilities and other bills? If the roof fell in tomorrow, would you ask/expect him to help pay for the repairs?

 

If the answers to these are "yes", then it's his home too, and you will have to find a way to respect that, and not just when you want something from him. Just like it's both your homes when it comes to paying in to the kitty, it's his house too when it comes to choosing decor.

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I disagree completely. When one moves into a residence, it becomes their home. If she wants him to feel at home, she should be less rigid about this small matter.

 

Also, OP, your wording of 'they're his kids, not ours' struck me as rather cold. If you're to be in a relationship with this man, I'd hope you'd make some sort of effort to make his kids feel comfortable around you and happy in your now SHARED home. Having their parents split up is bad enough, but if their father's girlfriend is not kind or welcoming to them, you'll only make them resent you, which in turn will make him resent you. I hope you're not cold to them.

 

 

I totally agree with this. If you are taking this guy on then you have to take on the children as part of the family too. My husband already had a young son when we met (his son is almost 20 now) and i have always referred to him as 'our' boy. We have since had a daughter together (almost 13) and i still refer to them as 'our' kids. Like SpiceCat, i too found your comment a little cold and dismissive, like you do not want anything to do with them. This is why he is reacting the way he is.

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PegNosePete
now that he's moved in, it's his home too. He should have an equal say in decoration.

Really? So if the relationship were to end tomorrow, who would get kicked out and who would stay? If it's his home too then wouldn't he have an equal right to stay and to 50% of the value? If you've been together 10 years or if you're married and bought the house together, then sure, that is fair. But most people wouldn't want to give that sort of rights to someone who has just recently moved into their home. Most people would expect that if the relationship ends soon after one party moves in, then that party would move out. Which IMO makes the "equal say in decoration" a little premature.

 

it will have to happen at some point.

Absolutely! But in this case it's still early days.

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loversquarrel
Really? So if the relationship were to end tomorrow, who would get kicked out and who would stay? If it's his home too then wouldn't he have an equal right to stay and to 50% of the value? If you've been together 10 years or if you're married and bought the house together, then sure, that is fair. But most people wouldn't want to give that sort of rights to someone who has just recently moved into their home. Most people would expect that if the relationship ends soon after one party moves in, then that party would move out. Which IMO makes the "equal say in decoration" a little premature.

 

 

Absolutely! But in this case it's still early days.

 

I don't believe that is the intent of the posters here. You're opinion is routed in legality, most here are commenting on the depth of the relationship as it relates to moving in together.

 

On the legality issue, some states require an eviction process when someone who has moved in is paying Bill's and money toward the mortgage. Best to look into your state laws before inviting someone to live with you.

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Really? So if the relationship were to end tomorrow, who would get kicked out and who would stay? If it's his home too then wouldn't he have an equal right to stay and to 50% of the value? If you've been together 10 years or if you're married and bought the house together, then sure, that is fair. But most people wouldn't want to give that sort of rights to someone who has just recently moved into their home. Most people would expect that if the relationship ends soon after one party moves in, then that party would move out. Which IMO makes the "equal say in decoration" a little premature.

 

 

Absolutely! But in this case it's still early days.

 

A bit (actually extremely) dramatic Pete but ok, I'll bite. No, legally and financially it's still her place..but he will never be comfortable if he's never allowed to consider it his home. Decoration is quite different from a financial investment.

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Which IMO makes the "equal say in decoration" a little premature.

 

If the ability to partner on something as basic as picture selection and placement is premature, then so is cohabitation. The BF isn't a roommate, he should be someone she's (carefully) chosen to share her life with.

 

Not the hill I'd chose to die on...

 

Mr. Lucky

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PegNosePete
No, legally and financially it's still her place

I wouldn't be so sure about that. As loversquarrel pointed out, helping to pay bills (especially the mortgage/rent) gives you certain rights. Depending on your jurisdiction, not only might it require a formal eviction, but if he's been paying part of the mortgage or for work on the house then he might have rights to some of the equity -- meaning, you'd have to pay him to leave. Would putting up pictures of his kids give him similar rights? I don't know, I'm not a lawyer.

 

he will never be comfortable if he's never allowed to consider it his home

I didn't say never. I said when someone has recently moved in, it's premature to consider it a joint home. The process of "mine" becoming "ours" happens over time. If you want to reduce that time you can always get married.

 

Best to look into your state laws before inviting someone to live with you.

Never a more true word was spoken! Most people find out about this stuff the hard way. Two words cohabitation agreement.

Edited by PegNosePete
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I wouldn't be so sure about that. As loversquarrel pointed out, helping to pay bills (especially the mortgage/rent) gives you certain rights. Depending on your jurisdiction, not only might it require a formal eviction, but if he's been paying part of the mortgage or for work on the house then he might have rights to some of the equity -- meaning, you'd have to pay him to leave. Would putting up pictures of his kids give him similar rights? I don't know, I'm not a lawyer.

 

 

I didn't say never. I said when someone has recently moved in, it's premature to consider it a joint home. The process of "mine" becoming "ours" happens over time. If you want to reduce that time you can always get married.

 

 

Never a more true word was spoken! Most people find out about this stuff the hard way. Two words cohabitation agreement.

 

So how long does he have to feel uncomfortable before he's allowed to make his home into a real home?

 

Not everyone wants a piece of paper to prove they're a couple. Marriage should make no difference. It's not 1950.

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PegNosePete
So how long does he have to feel uncomfortable before he's allowed to make his home into a real home?

He doesn't have to feel uncomfortable at all. His feelings are his own.

 

Not everyone wants a piece of paper to prove they're a couple. Marriage should make no difference. It's not 1950.

What's marriage got to do with it? A cohabitation agreement isn't to prove you're a couple. It's the equivalent of a pre-nup. It helps disentangle the threads if things go wrong.

 

If you're buying a house jointly then it's probably not necessary since the ownership proportions will be clearly defined. But one person moving into another's property and making financial contributions can get messy, they often want some return on their investment. "I've been paying half the mortgage on this place for a year, you can't kick me out with nothing"...

Edited by PegNosePete
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My sympathies. This is enough to keep me from moving in with a guy. Seriously, I read something somewhere about people who cover their house of photos with living children. Like why? They're still alive. Why have a shrine? Having photos on walls and tables everywhere in the house just looks junky.

 

Seriously, I'd tell him to pick his favorites and give him a number and tell him it looks like an old hoarder lady's house and you're not having it.

 

She doesn't want them on the wall cluttering up her already decorated walls and they're already all over the place. He's the one going too far here. You know, most people these days just look at them on their phone. My friend with a family doesn't have photos of her kids all over the place at all. That's something old people with no life do.

Edited by preraph
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He doesn't have to feel uncomfortable at all. His feelings are his own.

 

 

What's marriage got to do with it? A cohabitation agreement isn't to prove you're a couple. It's the equivalent of a pre-nup. It helps disentangle the threads if things go wrong.

 

If you're buying a house jointly then it's probably not necessary since the ownership proportions will be clearly defined. But one person moving into another's property and making financial contributions can get messy, they often want some return on their investment. "I've been paying half the mortgage on this place for a year, you can't kick me out with nothing"...

 

Good! So then you agree that he has every right to have as much a say in decorating as she does. Thank you!

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My sympathies. This is enough to keep me from moving in with a guy. Seriously, I read something somewhere about people who cover their house of photos with living children. Like why? They're still alive. Why have a shrine? Having photos on walls and tables everywhere in the house just looks junky.

 

Seriously, I'd tell him to pick his favorites and give him a number and tell him it looks like an old hoarder lady's house and you're not having it.

 

She doesn't want them on the wall cluttering up her already decorated walls and they're already all over the place. He's the one going too far here. You know, most people these days just look at them on their phone. My friend with a family doesn't have photos of her kids all over the place at all. That's something old people with no life do.

 

Wow..this is so judgmental and rude..I generally like your posts - why so nasty this time?

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