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Is threatening divorce ever justified?


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4givrnt4gtr

So Ive been married 6 years and by all intents and purposes we are happy. From the get go before we got married I made my boundaries very clear that would end the relationship which included infidelity and any type of abuse. Fast forward to now and we have two dogs and a baby. Recently we had a discussion about how abuse would include the baby and the pups. Basically physical violence not ok at all. At that point my husband tells me he struggles with being patient with the pups and that sometimes he has to walk away when the baby cries too hard.

That gave me pause and I reminded him of my boundaries. He grew quiet but nothing past it.

Well this past week we came to my in-laws and one of my dogs is notorious for being difficult. We are on a huge move right now so we are already stressed. Suddendly my difficult dog began peeing inside the house. Next thing I know my husband has him dragging by the collar, front paws up, basically hanging, my husband is furious. I immediately screamed at him to stop and drop the dog. To never ever do that again. Being that my inlaws were around I left it at that til the night. At night I told him I was worried about his temper specially for the baby and that if I ever got a whiff that he was physical with the baby the marriage would be over. Now he is stonewalling me and refuses to talk. I foundyself apologizing but Im frustrated. As I wrong in saying that I would leave if he hurts our baby? I figured fair warning and all as that is exactly what Inwould do but now Im being treated like I did something wrong.

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You have done nothing wrong, and you are NOT wrong for saying you will leave if he hurts the baby. I would leave because he hurt the dog. What he did was out of order and he is clearly prone to snap. You are absolutely right to be concerned about him with the baby. He has some anger issues that need to be addressed and i think he knows this. Try and convince him to get some counselling or anger management.

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amaysngrace

It’s only bad to threaten if you have no intent to follow through.

 

If he’s not talking to you about it, he’s keeping it inside. That’s going to come out sometime and I doubt it’ll be in a conversation starting with him saying “I’m sorry.”

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Threatening divorce is always wrong. It's the nuclear option.

 

By the time you raise divorce as an option you better be half way out the door. Otherwise it simply erodes the foundation of your marriage.

 

Perhaps you, your husband & the pups need to invest in the services of a good dog trainer. The dog needs guidance not physical punishment.

 

Rather then making your husband feel bad about his stress reactions to the crying baby, teach him techniques to calm himself & the child. I don't have kids. One of the reasons is that I know I don't have the patience to deal with a screaming kid.

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You should definitely threaten divorce if you really mean it. Also there should be no violence toward the child. When our child was very young, I found that putting him on time out was effective. The dog is something different. Don't get a divorce over a dog, if it comes to that - get rid of the dog.

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Don't get a divorce over a dog, if it comes to that - get rid of the dog.

 

You missed the point. This isn't about the dog it's about the abusive behavior that she's concerned would be directed toward the baby.

 

Threatening divorce is pointless and will only escalate conflict. An abusive person isn't going to change their behavior because of a threat hanging over their heads if anything it will stress them more and possibly increase the amount and severity of angry outbursts.

 

There's clearly an untreated anger management problem and it needs to be addressed. You could approach him about it and say "we need to speak to someone about the anger issues, I'm concerned". If he ignores you or refuses counseling then you need to consider more serious options. Such as a separation. If things get heated, or he continues the stonewalling, tell him you need a break from the conflict, pack your bags and your baby and move in with mom or a friend. But don't threaten- just do it. Sometimes it's the wakeup call that's needed to get someone pushed in the right direction.

 

As far as the passive aggressive "silent treatment" that's just wrong and immature on so many levels and a sign of even more problems that don't get better on their own. If anything they get worse over time.

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salparadise
Threatening divorce is always wrong. It's the nuclear option. By the time you raise divorce as an option you better be half way out the door. Otherwise it simply erodes the foundation of your marriage.

 

^ True. Keep doing that and you probably will end up divorced. Then you'll need to engage in the process of convincing yourself how righteous you are, and how evil your ex-h was. It's a self-fulfilling endeavor.

 

My ex used to threaten. She knew it was nuclear, but it was also a quick and easy way to gain the upper hand. I finally had enough, and the next time I said, okay, I'm done. And I actually was.

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The threat simply doesn't result in the intended consequence, for several reasons. First of all your husband can't control his impulsive actions. In the heat of the moment he won't think "oh if I grab the dog by the collar or spank the crying baby she will divorce me. It's completely reflexive and the only fix is to deal with the underlying issues.

 

All that will happen is he will hear "I will divorce you if you don't act in a manner I feel is acceptable" and he will resent you, be even more angry with you and the stress of the ultimatum can actually result in the potential for more violence. Especially if he doesn't agree with you and is rationalizing and justifying his behavior such as "It's only a dog" or "It deserved to be grabbed by the collar it knows better than to piss in the house".

 

He will see it as you putting your own needs and the needs of others over his. It erodes trust. Even if your intentions are solid.

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Violence towards animals is never good sign and the OP is correct to be worried for her dogs, her baby and herself. The fact he is stonewalling her instead of apologising is another bad sign.

I think if he refuses help then it is better to be a single mom, than be sorry she didn't do anything about it at the start. Too many babies every week get killed by "angry" men who cannot control their emotions.

 

Threatening divorce does no good unless she is wiling to follow through, else it is easy to get into a crying wolf situation.

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This dispute is "over the dog." Husband may have mistreated the dog, but hey, no one is perfect. He has not threatened the child. Single motherhood is not a good option to protect a dog, get rid of both dogs if needed. You can talk to him about anger management.

 

BTW I have threated my wife with divorce only once. Early in the marriage she would threaten divorce almost every time we got into an argument. I finally told her that if she continued to threaten me with divorce without filing, I would file for divorce. She has rarely made the threat since then.

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amaysngrace

My exH threatened divorce once. I said it was probably best and that we should go to the courthouse ourselves to file the papers together.

 

He never said it again and instead got reamed by me when I filed alone.

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Well this past week we came to my in-laws and one of my dogs is notorious for being difficult. We are on a huge move right now so we are already stressed. Suddendly my difficult dog began peeing inside the house. Next thing I know my husband has him dragging by the collar, front paws up, basically hanging, my husband is furious.

 

 

Life is stressful, and your dog is peeing in someone else's house. Your husband reacted badly. I don't think threatening divorce over an ill behaved dog is reasonable.

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This is not about a difficult dog this is about an angry guy "hanging" the dog and causing it a whole lot of pain and discomfort if not actual damage to its neck and larynx. Not to mention its emotional well being, is it being a difficult dog because he is abusing it? This is dreadful and ignorant dog management.

If he can do that to a pet he is supposed to care about, then what else is he capable of?

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4givrnt4gtr

Thank you all for the responses. Just to clarify, I have not brought up divorce ever until now and that was in the context of him abusing my daughter, which i don't think is unreasonable.

 

I talked to him after a while and he said he felt sad because anger burst issues is something he has always had and will never go away. To me its surprising because I hardly ever see him angry and definitely not snap in the 7 years we've been together. We talked about anger management classes and he seemed willing to go as soon as we settle down in our new home. He still feels off but at least I know he heard me. He agreed that me not wanting an abusive person around our daughter was reasonable and that it is his responsibility to learn skills to ensure she is safe. We agreed to have an eye out for each other (him for his anger me for my anxiety). He also agreed to let me know when stress was getting to be too much so I could take over.

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PegNosePete
From the get go before we got married I made my boundaries very clear that would end the relationship which included infidelity and any type of abuse.

...

Recently we had a discussion about how abuse would include the baby and the pups. Basically physical violence not ok at all.

...

That gave me pause and I reminded him of my boundaries.

...

if I ever got a whiff that he was physical with the baby the marriage would be over.

...

As I wrong in saying that I would leave if he hurts our baby?

Personally I would find it really annoying that you're constantly telling me the circumstances that you would divorce me. At the get go, fair enough. But you seem to keep repeating it over and over.

 

To me that would tell me that you don't trust me, don't respect me. A wife / husband / life partner is supposed to stick with you through thick and thin. Obviously there are some INSTANT deal breakers but someone who is constantly tell me what those deal breakers are, I would definitely feel they are not fully committed to me.

 

People will do what they will, whether you give them "fair warning" or not. If they do something you consider to be a deal breaker, then you divorce them. You don't need to give "fair warning".

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If I was your husband I would let you handle all the dog issues and the cleanup they cause. I would also have a little thought, in the back of my mind, that maybe you loved the dogs more than me. You said that from the first you gave him your boundaries. Did he give you his boundaries or just accept what you said without comment. I suspect he does have anger issues and needs to learn to control his anger. But I don't think you are helping him by threat of divorce for what you predict might happen in the future. He has an anger problem but I surmise you have a control characteristic. I do wish you well.

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I threaten divorce all the time to keep my wife in line and control her behavior which can get out of control. It is useful to threaten divorce and justified if your like saying hey "if this behavior continues we will have to get a divorce".

 

Like my wife being jealous of my father, or refusing to do choirs around the house, or getting mad at me for helping my father out, or complaining about still living with my father and not living in a place of our own. My father and I will threaten we will throw her out of the house, I will divorce her, and leave her the way I found her... homeless.

 

Before I met my wife she was homeless. Living in a car.

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mark clemson

This may not address your main point, but many children will respond very well to time outs (when young) and taking away privileges (e.g. TV shows, time on your iPhone) when a bit older. Once the kid knows you mean business you are unlikely to have many escalations to the point where you start getting angry.

 

Suggest you discuss this approach with your husband. Hopefully he can channel anger, when it occurs, into an appropriate disciplinary action instead of anything remotely resembling violence.

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Fast forward to now and we have two dogs and a baby.

 

I'm going to preface this by saying, while I've often had pets (dogs included), I'm not an "animal person" to the degree many others are. To me, there's a clear division between dogs and people.

 

So does it make sense to have two dogs, one "notorious for being difficult", when you have a baby and a struggling marriage? The fact you list the two dogs before the baby gives me some pause...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I threaten divorce all the time to keep my wife in line and control her behavior which can get out of control. It is useful to threaten divorce and justified if your like saying hey "if this behavior continues we will have to get a divorce".

 

Like my wife being jealous of my father, or refusing to do choirs around the house, or getting mad at me for helping my father out, or complaining about still living with my father and not living in a place of our own. My father and I will threaten we will throw her out of the house, I will divorce her, and leave her the way I found her... homeless.

 

Before I met my wife she was homeless. Living in a car.

 

That's dreadful. You are controlling your wife & basically treating her like a prisoner. Your wife stays because she doesn't have a meaningful choice. She doesn't stay out of love & it sounds as though you don't even like or respect her. How sad for you both.

 

OP do not do this.

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loversquarrel

So OP we know your husband is having difficulty dealing with two dogs (one poorly behaved) and a baby along with an anxious wife. You two have discussed this and are moving towards working on his issues. Now what about your issues? Threatening divorce is not only controlling and manipulative but it is also abusive in itself.

 

The difference between you and him is one is reactionary and in no doubt exasperated by the current living conditions while the other is malicious and thought out. You did after all state that your husband never had these issues until recently, while you on the other hand have reminded him of impending consequences. You in essence have set him up for failure as you failed to account for "breaking" points and he has clearly hit his. You might end up divorced by his hand if the both of you cant stabilize this environment.

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I hope someone calls CPS on you and gets animal control to get those dogs out of there. You can't fix someone who is violent. You need to take the kids and the dogs and get out of there. If you don't act, you will be just as much at fault as he is.

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