I am afraid now, read

[michael.simpson99]

Hello

So basically 10 months ago i found this girl and i felt really in love with her, we were seeing each other for 2-3 months then she grew to my heart a lot...she had dumped previous boyfriend because of me and this guy she was 5 years with, i know it is very big flag...but i was stupid enough and get into this relationship...she said that she didn't love him etc etc and that she is really in love with me and so on so she went with me...however each time we have some fight she mentions him, she keeps their pics and sends to them when she is angry so she is using him as something to threaten me and to give me back, she is really really spoiled. I have big problems with her, and i don't know what to do.

 

She always wants stuff the way she wants, she is not satisfied, even when she is she says i am not trying it is my fault and so on... She can be really gentle and like a angel but also like this too.

Also i moved to another country for work, and i told her i will bring her in 20-30days, this happened now and when she came, she didn't like food, drink. people, buses, since i don't have car, money, style , me etc etc and she is making me all sort of problems and she wants to go home now, she is really really acting like a baby...She closes the door, she says she will kill herself, she even started hurting me kicking me, crying, calling her parents saying how i am bad how i this how i that...Maybe some of you will even say yes man are all like this, so i am lying...etc BUt i am in serious problem here.

We don't have too much money so we can come back, she says she hates me and she wants me to destroy me, and she wants new boyfriend she wants to humiliate me and all bad stuff about me.

Then she calms down for 2-3 days or more then she do this again etc.

 

For example, we have boss here that is also good friend of mine, i known him for 4 years now and this guy since i work online mostly is calling me on meeting in 2-3 days per week and she hates him, she says no, i don't like him i want to spend time with you not him etc etc, she is even prepared in this moments to ruin my business and money etc etc , she has something in her head like she is acting crazy or narcissistic etc etc...

 

Also she is jelaous of my mother, she hates her too. She doesn't want me to contact her to have any contact with her , she even said that i have incest with her etc...I don't know what to say about that really. And she has great connection with her mother, brother but not father, since they are divorsed etc...

 

 

Now i don't know what to do, stupid thing would be to leave her so she can fly back home, she doesn't know language etc and she says that i must go with her since we are in this together and then we will split ways...Second thing is to stay here and fight and make money and they go home but i can't take this anymore.

I will break my border and i will do something to her and go to prison etc... I am really afraid...

Even though all this, i still have some feelings for her and i love her as person too and also as gf since i think i am very good guy for emotions but this breaks my heart, all this stuff.

Sorry for longer text, thank you.

[Orokotikki]

Give her a plane ticket and call her a taxi.

It will be a priceless life lesson for her. And you will be getting off relatively cheap!

 

You owe her nothing, anything you might have owed her you have paid back in spades by putting up with this so far.

 

This is important for you too, to become a self-respecting man who doesn't tolerate this - important for your future.

[preraph]

She's an immature little twit. She's already making your life miserable and that's only going to get more miserable with time. Use your head. She isn't a match for anyone.

[d0nnivain]

She's a nightmare. Normal adults don't act like this.

 

Send her home.

 

You say you love her but you better love yourself more. If she makes good on her threat to kill herself because you are foreigners wherever you are, you could find yourself the prime suspect in a murder investigation. even though you will be innocent it will still be bad for you.

 

In the future do not move woman you have only known for a few months to a different country with you.

[Mr. Lucky]

she wants to go home now, she is really really acting like a baby...She closes the door, she says she will kill herself, she even started hurting me kicking me, crying, calling her parents saying how i am bad how i this how i that...

 

Just like the genie in Aladdin, you can make her wishes come true. Heck, don't just buy her a ticket, help her pack and drive her to the airport.

 

Good riddance....

 

Mr. Lucky

[Downtown]

She has something in her head like she is acting crazy or narcissistic.

Michael, perhaps so. You are not describing "crazy" or "narcissism," however. Rather, you're describing red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

The behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, suicide threats, controlling demands, temper tantrums, great fear of abandonment (irrational jealousy), paranoia, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Instead, I'm suggesting you consider whether she is exhibiting a strong pattern of BPD symptoms (i.e., is a "pwBPD").

 

She is really really acting like a baby.

No, if your description is accurate, she is acting like a 4 year old. If she is a pwBPD, her emotional development likely was frozen at the level of a young child 4 years of age. The current theory is that this likely occurred due to heredity and/or a childhood trauma (e.g., abuse or abandonment) occurring before age 5.

 

If your GF is a pwBPD, she is capable of loving you very intensely but it is the very immature type of love you see in young children. This means she will occasionally flip -- in only ten seconds -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing or hating you). And a few hours or days later, she can flip back again just as quickly. These rapid flips arise from a childish behavior called "black-white thinking."

 

Like a young child, a pwBPD is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). This means she has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships.

 

She thus will subconsciously split off the conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of her conscious mind. With young children, this "splitting" is evident when the child will adore Daddy while he's bringing out the toys but, in only ten seconds, will flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away.

 

Importantly, this behavior does not mean that the child has stopped loving Daddy. Rather, it means that her conscious mind is temporarily out of touch with those loving feelings.

 

Similarly, a pwBPD will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" ("with me") or "all bad" ("against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action.

 

This B-W thinking also will be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Because her close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have any really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away).

 

She says she hates me and she wants to destroy me... Then she calms down for 2-3 days or more, then she do this again.

As noted above, this behavior is called "splitting" or "black-white thinking." If your GF is a pwBPD, she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that will TRIGGER a release of anger that is already there.

 

This is why a pwBPD can burst into a rage in only ten seconds. Moreover, pwBPD have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

She even started hurting me kicking me.

The repeated physical battering of a partner or spouse is strongly associated with having strong traits of a personality disorder, particularly BPD. This is why "Intense, inappropriate anger" is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. Indeed, the terms "anger," "dangerous behavior," and "unstable" appear in 4 of the 9 symptoms for BPD. See 9 Traits at BPDdemystified.

 

Numerous empirical studies have found the physical abuse of a spouse or partner to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers.

 

She can be really gentle and like a angel

Most pwBPD are considerate and caring with most people they meet. Their problem is not being BAD but, instead, being UNSTABLE. They typically exhibit the warmth, exuberance, vulnerability, and purity of expressions that otherwise are seen only in young children.

 

As any parent can tell you, young children are VERY EASY to fall in love with. It thus is not surprising that two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

 

Indeed, it is this childlike behavior that makes most pwBPD very hard to walk away from. Because you are essentially in a parent/child relationship, leaving is so painful because it feels like you're abandoning a young child who -- despite her frequent temper tantrums -- must dearly love and need you.

 

I can't take this anymore... I am really afraid.

If you actually have been living with a pwBPD, consider yourself lucky that you are only feeling "really afraid." A large share of the abused partners of pwBPD become so utterly confused that they feel like they are going insane.

 

Because pwBPD typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. Therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the pwBPD themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

I don't know what to do.

I suggest that, if you are unwilling to immediately walk away from this toxic relationship, you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you're dealing with.

 

Of course, learning to spot BPD warning signs will not enable you to diagnose her issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe and persistent as to constitute a full-blown disorder.

 

Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., remaining in a toxic relationship or running into the arms of another woman just like her. Learning the red flags also can help you decide when professional guidance is needed.

 

I therefore also suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. I suspect they will. If those descriptions ring many bells and raise questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

[mark clemson]

Well, I don't know which species of trainwreck she is, but she certainly is one. And she's started turning your life into a trainwreck too. See how that works?

 

Agreeing with all the posts above that the sooner this person is out of your life the bettter. So yes, IMO buy her the plane ticket and fly back home with her if that is what you have to do. IMO whatever else you do, don't stay with her.

[GammaLeonis]

Yo man.

 

Sounds like bad news. Disengage before your life gets further rekt’d.

 

I have dealt with crazy and now I’m tied to one. Don’t repeat our mistakes.