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Issue with wife and her friend.


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Stu_not Disco

Can I just run something by the group? It’s not something I can discuss with family and/or friends.

 

Basically quite a few years ago we had a sex toy made to the exact shape of my penis. We still use it to this day. But I have only just found out that she actually got two made up and gave one to her best friend. What’s worse is that her best friend got one of her husband and my wife has one of him.

 

I found out when at a dinner party and after quite a few drinks her best friend alluded to the fact she likes to have sex with “me”. Obviously I had no idea but after some probing it all came out.

 

I’m quite disgusted by this. They think it’s just sex toys and a bit of fun. My wife often uses the toy of him when we are having sex admitting now that she has at times thought if him when using it. She is adamant it is just a fantasy and bares no reality in real life.

 

She has thrown it away now that I have shown my displeasure but I still can’t get out of my mind the times that we used it, especially as part of dp sex and she was thinking of him.

 

Her friend also refuses to get rid of hers and has even hinted that she would like to make it real which has caused a big fight between my wife and her. She’s even angry with me because her friend has indicated she would have sex with me even though I have had no part in this whatsoever.

 

I guess I’m just asking how other people would react. This is not a deal breaker, I have no intention of leaving, but it really gets under my skin.

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I'd be freaked out. It's a little too kinky for my tastes.

 

I think in time I could get passed it IF your wife threw out the toy of the other guy & she got back the one of you from her friend. Giving away something that intimate without telling you feels like a violation of trust to me. If you were all into it, OK, fine but behind your back. . .just no. In your shoes I'd have to steer clear of the friend for a while too. The ick factor is pretty great for me.

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Stu_not Disco
The ick factor is pretty great for me.

 

Yeah, tell me about it. It's not like getting one of John Holmes or something, it's a close friend. It's just messed up.

 

My wife seems to have realised it was wrong and thrown it away but as her friend is now separated from her husband (unrelated to this) she seems to be wanting to take this to the real level. I'm not into that nor is my wife. It has caused issues between them which to be blunt I don't care about given the circumstances. But it has also caused issues with my wife and I with her having a problem with me because her friend wants to take things further. It has nothing to do with me yet I feel like I'm being accused and like I need to somehow justify my actions. Something like a friendly hug was just a friendly hug. Now it seems as though she was flirting rather than being friendly.

 

Honestly, I'm still in a bit of shock. I'm not going anywhere but feel like I've been taken advantage of in some way (in no way trying to diminish anyone who has actually been taken advantage of).

 

My wife has suggested counselling which I will take her up on. We'll see how that goes. I must say I'm not a traditional fan. I think I want more than just a sorry but I'm not sure I can explain or even know what exactly it is I need to get over this.

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Do the counseling. If your wife is on the outs with her friend, all the better. You won't have to deal with that woman. If you do see her & she says anything be very direct to the point of being blunt in your "no."

 

Seriously, I'd say something along the lines of

 

Look. My wife told me what you two did with the toy swapping. She has thrown the one of your husband away & I am still furious with her for giving you the one of me. That was
so
not cool. Just
so
we are clear I would prefer you return it
so
I can destroy it. I am not interested in giving you a sample of the real thing
so
please stop asking. You are crossing way too many lines here & it has to stop, immediately.

 

Best wishes

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I would be very annoyed at this and dis-connect from them. They sound like fantasy swingers...perhaps that's their agenda. Are you in? If not, get out of this sooner the better.

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But it has also caused issues with my wife and I with her having a problem with me because her friend wants to take things further.

 

Your wife's problem is one of her own making. Her having a problem with you because of it is ridiculous and unfair. Also pretty nervy that she thinks you need counseling as a couple - she's the one who needs to get her head straight about this and understand you're the one who should feel violated.

Edited by Finding my way
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BettyDraper

This is disgusting of your wife and her friend.

 

It's clear that your wife has no respect for you.

 

I can't believe that she suggested counseling when she was in the wrong!

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I can't believe that she suggested counseling when she was in the wrong!

 

 

For the OPs sake I was kind of hoping that she suggested counseling to that with the help of the neutral she could find ways to atone for this & that the counselor could help the OP be more open to forgiving her.

 

She really did screw up but maybe it will bring them closer together now that she has seen the error of her ways.

 

Yes, I'm being optimistic.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

I didn't even know this was a thing. I'd feel pretty violated :(.

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mark clemson

Think this is a good illustration of why prior consent is such as import concept in kink (as well as in sex generally). You were never given a chance to voice your feelings on the matter.

 

Your wife and her friend probably shared a few giggles, no harm, no foul in their minds. But NOT in yours and not now that her friend is showing interest in "real".

 

The fact that your wife threw it away shows respect for your feelings (now, after-the-fact) but you had to get upset first. If it was me, I'd reiterate the need for prior consent with anything out of whatever constitutes normal for the two of you.

 

Consider having a face-to-face conversation with the friend to explain how upset you are with her continued use of it. Possibly this will convince her to throw it away. If not, there may not be much you can do, although having the same discussion with her BF or husband might have an impact if your wishes do not.

 

Hope your wife has learned her lesson on prior consent with this. CHECK on those boundaries before trying to cross them...

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Turning point

I agree that the duality of the shared fantasy is pretty kinky and should have sought prior consent.

 

That being said, I think the whole notion of an anatomically correct copy of anyone's launch pad is a pretty lame sales gimmick.

 

The issue is the women's swap fantasy because, when you get right down to it you can apply equally as much imagination at play with ANY toy.

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loversquarrel

I'm not quite sure why your wife should be upset with you as she was the one who chose to "share" you.

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I was just reading last week about a sex doll manufacturer that was recreating the deceased spouse for a grieving partner. The article played up the therapeutic angle but hey, what's to stop someone from ordering a doll that looks like someone famous like Brad Pitt or Claudia Shiffer? Or lets say I have the hots for my best friends wife next door. I get some pictures and order myself up a replica. I told my wife about how amusing it all was but I'm afraid a very martial German stare was all I got out of her so, I dropped it.

 

This leads to the question of replicating sex organs. You actually agreed to that?

 

I find your wife's best friends estrangement from her husband a bit coincidental along with her obvious desire to test drive the real thing. Then there is the rift between your wife and her best friend. There's a lot of unexplained emotions going on.

 

Are you sure your wife's best friend wasn't promised something that is now not going to happen and she's acting out her frustration?

 

Just a feeling

 

Best Wishes

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Good Lord, neither of these women has the brains of a chicken, and this whole thing is just in very poor taste. I usually am on the side of women when it comes to talking to their girlfriends about everything and I realize that bothers most guys, but I defend that.

 

But this is crossing several boundaries here and again just in very poor taste and tacky.

Edited by preraph
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If she tries to blame you for this in any way I'm truly had nothing to do with any of it, that is her gas-lighting you trying to turn the tables on you, and you should climb up her butt about it.

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If I was in your shoes I would start digging for a more coherent explanation and not let my wife rush me into counseling as a distraction.

 

Best Wishes

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If it were me, I'd have some fun: I'd tell wife that I wasn't the actual model of said phallus. It was her dad. :eek::lmao:

 

It is probably a good thing that these Bobbsey twins are having no more adventures. As has been alluded to in an earlier post, neither one of them has inherited anything in the brains department... since she doesn't seem to understand how serious what she has done really is, tell her what if you had an anatomically correct silicon mold of her azz region made as a sex toy, and then you had secretly another one made and gave it to your best male bud as a lark. Now he wants the real thing... if she can't understand how something could be so wrong, then just tell her you want to bang her best friend for real so she can get it out of her system, and they can go back to being bestest friends... :laugh:

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Stu_not Disco
Also pretty nervy that she thinks you need counseling as a couple - she's the one who needs to get her head straight about this and understand you're the one who should feel violated.

 

Yeah, the counseling thing is new to me. She called it couples counseling but my understanding from the way she explained it is that she wanted to go through what happened and why she did it with an independent person with me there to hear it all, and participate if I wish, rather than her just relaying it after the fact.

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Stu_not Disco

It's clear that your wife has no respect for you.

 

I know it looks that way and if you isolate this incident it's hard to argue otherwise but when looking at the whole picture you can make a fair argument that it's out of character and just a mistake, albeit a significant one.

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Stu_not Disco
Consider having a face-to-face conversation with the friend to explain how upset you are with her continued use of it. Possibly this will convince her to throw it away. If not, there may not be much you can do, although having the same discussion with her BF or husband might have an impact if your wishes do not.

 

That conversation has been had with both my wife and I individually and together. Instead of showing some understanding she doubled own and reiterated her desire to be with me. I have a feeling there's something else going on here but have no idea what. She split from he husband a few years ago and he's no longer anywhere near being in the picture.

 

This is the big issue between her and my wife. They have/had been friends since they were 2.

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Stu_not Disco
This leads to the question of replicating sex organs. You actually agreed to that?

 

At the time I was working away from home a lot, 4-6 months of the year. We were young and a little phone sex using said toy... well I'm sure you get the drift.

 

Are you sure your wife's best friend wasn't promised something that is now not going to happen and she's acting out her frustration?

 

Am I sure? No to be honest. But it would be totally out of character and would come as a shock.

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Stu_not Disco
If it were me, I'd have some fun: I'd tell wife that I wasn't the actual model of said phallus. It was her dad. :eek::lmao:

 

Well I'm not going to get that image out of my head for a while.

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you can make a fair argument that it's out of character and just a mistake, albeit a significant one.

 

Guess I feel there's a bit of over-reaction across the board here. Should she have asked you? Hell, yes...

 

But when all is said and done, it's just a dildo. Your wife may simply be telling you - in a very misguided way - she wants to liven things up in your marriage. In the overall scheme of things, I'd be angry but finding a path to get over it quickly, telling her "everyone gets one mulligan, hate to see you use yours so early in life".

 

I seem to be in the minority, but this just seems to me to be an inside joke gone wrong...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Stu_not Disco

We have our first counselor appointment on Monday. Some here have hinted that it might not be a good idea as a couple and that she should do it alone.

 

Should I go or tell her the issues that led to this are all hers and that whilst I offer her my full support I think she should do the counseling alone?

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