rabsaque Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Hi guys i come here were i have found many great advice on the past with another problem. My wife is constantly in the need of controlling everything and this is affecting me because she constantly demands to know everything i do in order to control every situation, this morning she threatens me about something she wants to know about something i and her father are working on is none of her business she is pregnant so we are keeping her out of this situation so she doesn't get stressed out about it, and this won't affect the baby but she is constantly demanding to know what's up because she wants to control the situation, she does this always so this morning she told me before i go to work, in a very menacing way "i want you to tell me what i want to know and you will tell me or else...." She does this always when she knows i'm hiding something and i don't think thats the way to address the situation, i mean my wife is the only person i know who threatens me constantly when she wants something of me and she does is because it works most of the time, but this time i'm seriously thinking on cutting this behavior i'm going to keep the situation a secret mostly because it doesn't affect the current events we are living (we're moving ) she can't do nothing about that her father and i are dealing with the situation and that's everything she needs to know about it. My question is, is it normal being threatened on a regular basis on a relationship? Should i tell her what she wants to know even knowing it won't change anything and it will just make her worried about a situation she has no part or control in? Please give me your 2 cents on the situation, i would really appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 My question is, is it normal being threatened on a regular basis on a relationship? No, but what you are doing is also not normal, so who can blame her? What is the nature of what you are "doing" with her father? Is it something illegal?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rabsaque Posted June 19, 2019 Author Share Posted June 19, 2019 No, but what you are doing is also not normal, so who can blame her? What is the nature of what you are "doing" with her father? Is it something illegal?? Good no is just about money she gets extremely worried about anything that has to do with money basically we needed more money for the moving but i didn't have it so we asked for a loan in order to pay for the new home repairs and she was strongly against it because she is afraid of banks and financial stuff so if we tell her we asked for a loan she will have an anxiety attack over that we have been dealing with her attacks during the whole pregnancy, her anxiety has been of the charts because she doesn't feel in control, everybody is telling her to just let go and enjoy the baby but she refuses to lend control. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Ah, ok. Well, I understand why you'd want to keep her calm, but you're in a marriage with your wife, not your father-in-law. You really should not be keeping big money decisions from her....this sounds like a recipe for disaster. So she's a high strung person and you want to know how to get her not to be so high strung.....good luck with that....is this your first child? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 You shouldn't be making huge financial decisions without your wife's input. You're not being fair to her. She's also pregnant which means that her hormones are causing her to act out of character. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 You are married. You should absolutely be talking to her (BEFORE taking out a loan!!) because if you are unable to pay the loan back SHE will be liable as well. Good grief, who even takes out a big loan while hiding it from their spouse??? And what does the father have to do with the loan, is he co-signing it? If she is so incapable of handling anxiety about finances, why did you (a) marry her, and (b) have a child with her?? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 This is madness. By keeping this from your wife you are merely ramping up her anxiety. She KNOWS something is up and by keeping it from her, you are doing neither your wife or your baby any favours. Tell her the truth. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 You are controlling her. Stop thinking you know what is best for her & give her information. She is an adult & an equal partner in your marriage. She should get a say in your financial decisions. If you treat her like an equal rather then some fragile doll you should grow stronger together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rabsaque Posted June 19, 2019 Author Share Posted June 19, 2019 You are married. You should absolutely be talking to her (BEFORE taking out a loan!!) because if you are unable to pay the loan back SHE will be liable as well. Good grief, who even takes out a big loan while hiding it from their spouse??? And what does the father have to do with the loan, is he co-signing it? If she is so incapable of handling anxiety about finances, why did you (a) marry her, and (b) have a child with her?? Yes he is co-signing it? is not a big one we can pay it rather quickly but she was so strongly against it is ridiculous, everybody has told her that even her mother that she is overreacting and i know this is not overreacting because she acts like that everytime she feels she doesn't have the control over a situation, if she feel she has control over this matter she would ask for the loan herself is just the fact she doesn't trust me she never did she constantly compares me with her "more succesfull" brothers and she constantly is asking me about money even tho i make twice as she makes she is always putting me dow and treating me like garbage over money issues and i hate it thats why i don't talk to her about money i just put it on the table and let her do whathever she wants so she leave me alone. i know its a very destructive behavior, i'm looking a therapist myelf because last time we had counseling she refused to go again afther first season because and i quote her "I can't go there with you anymore because being there i see how weak you really are..." So yes its a realy bad predicament i got myself and my boy into isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 she doesn't trust me she never did Well, the solution is not to give her another reason not to.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rabsaque Posted June 19, 2019 Author Share Posted June 19, 2019 You are controlling her. Stop thinking you know what is best for her & give her information. She is an adult & an equal partner in your marriage. She should get a say in your financial decisions. If you treat her like an equal rather then some fragile doll you should grow stronger together. But i always tell her the truth when she wants to and it always ens up bad for me she always tell me things like "I knew you were going to f** it up" or "what its wrong with you?". And this has destroyed my self-esteem to the point i started lying to her just so she dont hurt me anymore, or at least thats what the therapist told me tho. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 You sound like you are not compatible honestly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 You are married. You should absolutely be talking to her (BEFORE taking out a loan!!) because if you are unable to pay the loan back SHE will be liable as well. Good grief, who even takes out a big loan while hiding it from their spouse??? And what does the father have to do with the loan, is he co-signing it? If she is so incapable of handling anxiety about finances, why did you (a) marry her, and (b) have a child with her?? This. My husband would never take out a loan without telling me-and he's the only income earner! We respect each other too much to do such things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rabsaque Posted June 19, 2019 Author Share Posted June 19, 2019 I guess you don't treat him like garbage on the regular, you two are very lucky i don't know that kind of relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 I am not surprised if this is an example of how you handle things... Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 So again, why did you get this woman pregnant recently? You realize that a child bonds you for LIFE, right? (It's not that you can't get divorced, but you'll need to fight for custody and then co-parent.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 You shouldn't keep things from your wife. Nor should you tolerate her constant abuse. You should look into IC, it is a good idea. Wishing you the best in this difficult time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BrennaR Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Hi guys i come here were i have found many great advice on the past with another problem. My wife is constantly in the need of controlling everything and this is affecting me because she constantly demands to know everything i do in order to control every situation, this morning she threatens me about something she wants to know about something i and her father are working on is none of her business she is pregnant so we are keeping her out of this situation so she doesn't get stressed out about it, and this won't affect the baby but she is constantly demanding to know what's up because she wants to control the situation, she does this always so this morning she told me before i go to work, in a very menacing way "i want you to tell me what i want to know and you will tell me or else...." She does this always when she knows i'm hiding something and i don't think thats the way to address the situation, i mean my wife is the only person i know who threatens me constantly when she wants something of me and she does is because it works most of the time, but this time i'm seriously thinking on cutting this behavior i'm going to keep the situation a secret mostly because it doesn't affect the current events we are living (we're moving ) she can't do nothing about that her father and i are dealing with the situation and that's everything she needs to know about it. My question is, is it normal being threatened on a regular basis on a relationship? Should i tell her what she wants to know even knowing it won't change anything and it will just make her worried about a situation she has no part or control in? Please give me your 2 cents on the situation, i would really appreciate it. She is threatening, but you are the one that's controlling. I hope you can see the difference. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 But i always tell her the truth when she wants to and it always ens up bad for me she always tell me things like "I knew you were going to f** it up" or "what its wrong with you?". And this has destroyed my self-esteem to the point i started lying to her just so she dont hurt me anymore, or at least thats what the therapist told me tho. She shouldn't put you down but address that by getting her to stop insulting you not hiding things from her that affect her financial future too. You do need to work with the therapist to build your self esteem but you & your wife could use some MC before this baby comes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 I can't think of any reason you and her dad should keep a secret from her. Seems condescending. I see why she's mad. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 It seems that the reason you don't want to tell her is not because of the stress it brings into her life but the stress it brings into your own. I find that understandable. Who needs more grief. I would not want my partner second guessing my every move especially when I'm trying to do the best I can for both of us with the resources available unless she had some valuable insight to offer. From what you state, she just offers you criticism and interference just so she can feel a part of the decision. This is hard but she is your wife and therefore entitled to all information that may affect her life and marriage. That's just the bottom line. It's what we sign on for when we make vows to our spouse and sometimes it is inconvenient to keep those vows. My approach would be to attempt to moderate your wife's anxiety induced interference by requiring that she offer a viable alternative to whatever she is criticizing. Get her involved right from the beginning so if the project fails she can eat some of the blame for setting up the conditions. Perhaps it could be accomplished within the context of a family meeting. Make her a part of the solution. Best wishes to your family 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 20, 2019 Share Posted June 20, 2019 But i always tell her the truth when she wants to and it always ens up bad for me she always tell me things like "I knew you were going to f** it up" or "what its wrong with you?". And this has destroyed my self-esteem to the point i started lying to her just so she dont hurt me anymore, or at least thats what the therapist told me tho. You two need to get to marriage counseling and learn some communication and listening skills so you both can rid of unhealthy habits. You both have control issues and she suffers from anxiety, so you lying to her just makes it worse. You two need to learn to respect one another and set boundaries up so you won't speak to one another with resentment and disappointment. There are lines one just doesn't cross and swearing/putting down a spouse is not a good thing.. Link to post Share on other sites
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