My marriage makes me miserable

[ShotgunRider]

Hello friends,

 

First, let me apologize for 2 things: First, my English, which isn't my native language, so i'll try my best to be understood. Second, the length of the post. I feel the best thing to do is to give as much details as possible, so anyone reading this could come to as much clear view of my story. Since i'm not able to think rational anymore, your advice's is very important for me.

 

I'm 34 years old and 18 Months ago i met a 31 years old single mother who soon became my wife. I started dating her as a rebound relationship (not the wisest thing to do- i know) after my heart was broken when i broke up to my ex-girlfriend when i found out she is cheating on me for a long time. I was devastated and my wife came right on time. She gave me unconditional love, and as time passed by, i started to love her as well, although i never loved her a crazy 'Romeo-and-Juliet' kind of love...

 

After 4 months she got pregnant even tho she used birth control pills. I demanded her to get abortion, because i wasn't ready for a child after only 4 months. She insisted on keeping the baby and when my family knew about the soon-coming-baby they pressured me heavily to get married (they are religious and i'm not), needless to say, my wife contributed by adding her own pressure. So we got married 6 months after we met. I know it was my decision and no one pulled a gun to my head, but sometimes pressure can cloud your judgment of the situation ("You gonna marry her anyway... It's best for the child... it's a sin..." etc etc) For both of us it was the first marriage.

 

Up until that point everything went pretty smooth, we enjoyed each other's company and shared some good nights, but still i was afraid of what the future might hold, because i didn't really knew that woman. we saw each other once a week for 4 months (we live in different cities) so basically, to sum up all the time we were together - my estimation is 48 hours total, when most of this time we went to the see a movie or something else.

 

So i found myself getting married to this girl i barely knew and which is soon to be my first kid's mother. My family was so happy when i "decided" to get married so they helped funding the wedding and the furniture for the new apartment, even tho i didn't really wanted them to get involved- i just couldn't stop them.

 

After the wedding we moved together. Me, my wife and her 11 years old daughter. The first two months was shocking for me. I found out that beside the love we share for each other (which, again, isn't "crazy in love" kind of love...), we have nothing in common, so we grew apart from each other. Although she is a good woman and a good mother to my newborn son, i felt like i married a random girl on the street. But i was too ashamed to walk away when she was still pregnant. and to add to the mix the fact that i'll let my family down after they invested so much (they hold the fantasy that we are married happily ever after... but the reality is that 'happiness' is a science fiction for me for nearly a year) and i know for sure my mother will be broken if i ever leave... So i decided, since i'm already married, to give it a chance for a few months, at least after my child will be born. So it's been nearly a year now and nothing changed- things even got worse. I'll mention a few things that i have to live with for almost a year:

 

- Like i said, we really don't share much together (except for some hobbies- like TV, music, going out...). She makes jokes on my hobbies and my introvert character whenever she can: "you prefer to go hiking in nature instead of going to the mall, you are such a boring person", "you prefer to read a book and not go with your friends to drink beer, you are so boring..." "You love animals too much, you are so weird..." etc

We don't communicate on any level beside generic conversations. In 18 months i never succeeded to get her into a deep-emotional conversation (I like to have a deeper conversations with my partner, like talking about life, philosophy, love and basically deeper things than just "how was your day?"). Her language is very dull and poor (often cursing) and all she does all day is talking to her sisters and gossip on another people.

 

- We argue all the time (like, everyday) even tho i always knew myself as a calm person, I grew up to be someone i dislike. My temper is higher than ever because she is angry all the time. I get the feeling she is energized by those arguments, that her life is more exciting with it, otherwise i can't explain why she start a fight about the tiniest thing.

 

- We barely share emotional and physical contact anymore. The truth is i don't feel attracted to her anymore. She gain tons of weight when she was pregnant and never returned to her old body. She don't care for herself like she used too (make-up, clean clothes, hair etc...). I'm sorry if it's sound too shallow, but i can't help to feel this way- i barely feel aroused by her. Whenever we make sex like once in 2 weeks (because she is complaining...) I close my eyes and just hope it will end soon. We also don't kiss anymore- Before I quit smoking i didn't mind her ashtray taste, but now i can't stand her breath.

 

Another 2 important aspects i would like to share:

 

- Her family: When i met my wife she was living in poverty. I am not rich, but i used to live in high class most of my life, so i told her that in under no circumstances i will move to her tiny 2 bedroom-messy-falling apart-in a crime neighborhood house. We move to a big apartment and she is pleased with it. but the thing is, we decided to split the weekends between our parents. so 4 days a month i have to tolerate her family and to live in a rat-unclean-messy house (sometimes they don't even have enough food or toilet paper).

Now, Her family (Parents +7 sisters), are a nice people, i loved them and they love me, but staying in their house is absolutely boring. I have nothing in common with those people (I don't want to sound like i am patronizing, I just state the situation as it is), They can't hold a conversation without shouting and screaming (to the point when sometimes i put my hands on my ears), they always fight and argue.

Their language is poor (often cursing each other) And the house is always full with people. I don't mind the company of people sometimes, but as an introvert it's too much for me.

As my wife once told me when i went downstairs to be with my phone and to relax from all the mess (she was angry about me at first- now she got used to it) : "We are a white trash family so deal with it..."

So you got the picture...

 

- Another important aspect, which makes my life even more miserable, and could easily be a post of it's own, is my 11 years old delivered-from-hell step daughter. Like with her mom, i didn't really got to know her until we moved together. Turns out she is a mix of all the wrong genes from her mother and her 'white trash' family (sorry for being rude here) and her drug dealer real father (he is in prison and refuse to be with any contact with her since she was born). Seriously, she is one of the worst kid i have ever met and she is everything i don't want my child to be. (and i met a lot of bad kids because my super-market is located in a low income bad neighborhood).

She is so spoiled, she does nothing in the house, She watches TV all day and play with her phone and she barely go to school. I used to live in a clean and comfortable house all my life, But it's impossible with her. Whenever i ask her to clean after her or to shut down the TV (or anything) after she finished with it- She screams at me and go cry to her mother (Yes, you guessed right- the mother is backing her up, saying i'm too harsh with her). She always complain about EVERYTHING like a baby "Mom i'm hungry, mom it's to cold, mom come and sit with me till i'll fall asleep" etc...

she does nothing by herself. She don't have any friends (I wonder why) and she is the most annoying thing i have ever met. She does things on purpose just to get on my nerves (like playing music too loud when i go to sleep, coming to our bedroom at night and so on... she is very irresponsible and i told my wife i don't want her anywhere near the baby (she killed two hamsters in one months. She lost 2 Ipads in 1 day trip, she breaks everything she touch...) she hold no respect for others belongings.

Ohh and her language is even worse than her mother, she like to curse whenever she can .Her mom is a Shakespeare comparing to her.

This spoiled-liar-narcissist little brat loves nothing but herself. All she cares about is her TV, posting semi nude pictures on Instagram, eating junk food and making our life miserable. Even her last line of defense- her mother, once told me: "in some way i gave up on her- i can't contain her anymore".

I know that she is a poor child with the wrong circumstances to be born into, and that she grew up without a father or a normal family, but, trust me, i've tried everything i can to change her, but nothing works, and i gave up when i realized her mother doesn't even support my efforts.

 

 

Now back to my wife... a few more things worth to mention:

 

- Whenever she goes out of the house and i'm alone i feel so relief and just happy to be single again for a few hours. Whenever she tells me she is coming home in a few minutes i think to myself "why it has to end so soon :("

 

- A few days ago when my wife thought i was asleep, she talked to her sister and i got the chance to listen to her conversation. She told her "I don't know if i love him anymore". During the whole conversation she didn't even says one good thing about me, after all i did for her. She told her sister i'm a bitch, that she is pretty sure i'll cheat on her in the future (she got cheated by her ex before so she thinks all the men will cheat eventually). All in all... she talked with a lot of disrespect about me, and again, makes jokes about my hobbies and my personality

 

- Every day, i find myself in fantasy of another life without her. What it would be like to be single again and free from all of this mess? Or better, what it would be like to meet my soul match. Maybe there's a better future out there for me that i'm missing out just by staying with my wife.

What it would be like to just take a plane to a new country and start over...

 

But, i live in reality. I know that 'the one' isn't waiting for me out there (maybe). That Romeo and Juliet kind of love is a Hollywood fiction. And maybe i just need to say thank god for what i have (because i do still love her and i'm pretty sure she still got feelings for me) and just try harder?

 

Now i don't say i'm an angel. I make mistakes like everyone else. And i don't say my wife is a bad person. I just feel we don't match.

So here it is, now that you know the sad picture of my life in the past 12 months, i would like to listen to your advice.

Should we break up and go back to sanity although it would be hard in the first few months? Is only love is enough to hold a relationship?

Should i stay for my kid? I am so afraid he'll grew up to be like his sister. I want him to get a good education and to grow up to be a good person, which is impossible if he'll be exposed to his sister and my wife's family. I don't want him to become something i can't recognize. But again, is it good for him to have a depressed and miserable father?

 

Thank you for reading and advising.

Edited June 17, 2019 by ShotgunRider
Spelling correction

[LivingWaterPlease]

Whatever you do, do not have another child! Use protection. Even if she says she's using protection, you should also do it.

 

You don't know that this marriage will last and another child will make things more difficult. Even if the marriage lasts it is in no condition to add another child to it.

 

After all you wrote about her I was a little surprised to read near the end of your post that you still love her.

[Mr. Lucky]

Warning ShotgunRider, tough love coming.

 

You got her pregnant and you married her, two voluntary acts setting this whole thing in motion. And yet it seems very easy for you to blame everyone else for everything.

 

If you really want to impact the life of this child you've brought into this world, you'll have to be an every-day presence. Up to you to figure out what that means and how you'll do it.

 

Yes, your situation is a mess. But it's a mess you've made, and one only you will fix.

 

Welcome to LoveShack...

 

Mr. Lucky

[heartwhole2]

This does seem to be an untenable situation.

 

You can't force another person to get an abortion or to get married. Start to reframe your actions as choices you have made and are responsible for. It's not a shock to anyone that sex can lead to pregnancies which can lead to children.

 

You are in an unhappy marriage because both of you have a lot of poor self-awareness and coping strategies. Counseling should help you work on yourself (the only person you can control) so that you can figure out the best way forward. Can this marriage become healthy? Or is the best answer to divorce and coparent your child as well as you can?

 

Either way, focus on growing yourself into the most mature and responsible person you can. Understand that you are a grown man who can ignore the wishes of his family if he thinks another path is best. If the marriage was a hasty mistake, then you are free to divorce, but make sure you own that you went into all of this with your eyes open. Don't let the divorce talks come from a place of anger but from a place of wanting what is best for all involved.

[Beendaredonedat]

we saw each other once a week for 4 months (we live in different cities)

Are you sure the new baby is yours?

 

You hardly know her, you were hardly together and she has a daughter from another man.

 

Get a paternity test done first, then if the child is actually yours, either divorce after getting child support in place or go to marriage counselling to help you over your remorse if you are going to stay.

 

Just don't do nothing and stay and suffer in the status quo.

[Flame Aura]

You made a mistake in not using protection. You then made another mistake in getting married hoping it will fix everything. Not stopping there when you realised this is not the life you want, you made a mistake again by letting this whole mess carry on for another year.

 

Do not make another mistake!!!!

 

End this marriage, tell her to move out with her kid, stay in contact so you can be a part of your own child's life.

 

Any other action will ensure you stay unhappy. Up to you if you want to waste your one and only short life on this Earth being unhappy.

[d0nnivain]

I think you & your wife need to have a long heart to heart. Send the 11 year old to the grandparents & sit down with your wife.

 

Tell her that you are unhappy in the marriage & you know she is too. Explain that you heard her on the phone predicting that she may cheat in the future. Discuss ways that this may be able to be remedied.

 

You are going to have to be more gracious about how you view & deal with her family. Calling people white trash, even if they are, is not helpful or productive. She will have to stop calling you boring. You will both have to learn to compromise: she will go hiking with you & you will go to the mall with her. You also need to talk about boundaries & rules for the 11 year old. She must be taught respect & responsibility. She should be doing chores & her TV watching probably needs to be regulated. Sounds like she could benefit from some family hikes. Your wife can't take the kid's side because that is giving the child too much power.

 

I think there may be a path through this but you will both have to work. If your wife doesn't want to try or resents the rules you need to establish for her daughter, the path through may run through a divorce court. Similarly if you have had enough & don't care to put in the effort (not that I'd blame you), just end things. If your family balks, show them this post. I can't imagine your family wants you to stay somewhere where you are being so disrespected. Whatever you do, don't have more kids.

[schlumpy]

I don’t know how long you are willing to wait. The transformation of your family into a form that is acceptable to everyone involved could take a long time and before you can effect any change you will have to find your own footing. Right now, you are being blown off-center by forces that you can’t control.

 

First you need to carve out time for yourself.

 

My father did this by claiming an hour of time when he got home from work to read the paper and watch the news. That was his time and he let us know it. We got the message and respected his wishes and thus respected him. Then he would take a deep breath and sort out our mundane problems. I suggest you do something similar. It should allow you to deal with things from a center of strength and emotional stability. Help you see what is lasting and important as opposed to what is temporary.

 

When it comes to your family try to respond to them only when they are not violating your code of ethics. If your stepdaughter is being profane with every other word, don’t answer her until she can put together a decent sentence that meets your approval and then smile and respond enthusiastically. Your biggest hurdle to change is that I don’t think your family thinks there is anything wrong. So it’s easy for them to isolate and dismiss what you have to say. You are going to have to wok hard to condition them to your way of thinking. So far they’ve been winning.

 

These are just a couple of ideas to get you on a path to sanity. You really need full-blown family counseling, but it would be just your luck that the counselor would turn out to be an ex-army drill sergeant.

 

Best Wishes

[niji]

But, i live in reality. I know that 'the one' isn't waiting for me out there (maybe). That Romeo and Juliet kind of love is a Hollywood fiction. And maybe i just need to say thank god for what i have (because i do still love her and i'm pretty sure she still got feelings for me) and just try harder?

 

Now i don't say i'm an angel. I make mistakes like everyone else. And i don't say my wife is a bad person. I just feel we don't match.

 

 

Hollywood fiction aside, there are plenty of people out there who marry people compatiblewith them. As you've identified, incompatibility is the #1 problem in your marriage. You married someone you really didn't know, like you said.

 

 

Difficult lesson to swallow, but the next time you date, DO NOT date someone so incompatible. I'm an introvert. I would never date an extreme extrovert whose life revolves around parties. My husband is the same. We love staying at home, enjoying each other's presence even if we're just doing our own activities. We don't care for parties and crowded places. There are of course plenty of differences in our interests, but at our core, we are both: introverted, logic over emotions (which leads to the same financial goals, despite me being a lot less savvy about money than my husband), fairly responsible (taking care of parents is a must, only have as many children as we can afford to raise). Please, please look for people who have the core principles as you do, before you have sex next time (or make double sure that protection is working...)

 

 

 

I have 0 care about sex as a moral principle (personally I'm a lot more conservative, but could care less about how others choose to have sex), but I think sex has SO MANY more consequences when most people just brush it off as "use protection and you'll be fine". What if protection fails (note 99% effective when used appropriately )? What if sex makes you become emotionally attached to an utterly garbage a**hole? (women are very often the victims of this oxytocin bonding sh*t nature invented) Did you know condoms work very well for most STDs, but herpes (among some other STDs, don't take my words for it - consult the CDC) can still spread despite condoms? I know as a woman I don't have to deal with raging male hormones, but I feel like it's so much easier not to have sex, than having to deal with so many consequences. Again, logic taking over.

 

 

But I digress. In your situation, I would really consider a divorce. Such a stark contrast of personality would make life really, really miserable. Your family doesn't share that misery; you're the only one who has to deal with your wife and stepdaughter. You are still young, especially as a male, and have plenty of time to find a much more compatible partner. DO NOT suffer just because it may "disappoint" other people. Live your own life.

 

 

PS: possibly try to convince your wife to give up your son's custody, if you think you raising him will be better for him. That is another concern. If your wife is truly as you described, do you really think him growing up with such a mother will help him become the kind of person you hope he would be?

[NuevoYorko]

Why do you have to spend all weekends at your or her parents' house?

[Mr. Lucky]

I know as a woman I don't have to deal with raging male hormones, but I feel like it's so much easier not to have sex, than having to deal with so many consequences.

 

PS: possibly try to convince your wife to give up your son's custody, if you think you raising him will be better for him.

 

So don't have sex and wrestle custody away from the mother that refused to consider abortion in the first place.

 

Not sure that qualifies as real-world advice...

 

Mr. Lucky

[niji]

So don't have sex and wrestle custody away from the mother that refused to consider abortion in the first place.

 

Not sure that qualifies as real-world advice...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Hey it was a good try Some males are very careful about where their sperms get deposited. You can see why.

 

Anyway, that's for the next time. As of now, focusing on his *what I think should be* divorce is the most important thing. AND to echo others, make double sure she's not pregnant with another kid. He could try counseling and all that, but spending a lifetime with someone so incompatible? That's gonna be a long long life...

 

Also, kids pick up on a lot more than you think. Don't remain in a miserable marriage - it'll make your son think that's something people just put up with.

[preraph]

I didn't read all that, but I read enough.

 

First, you are not mature enough to be married since you are still doing what your parents tell you to do. And your parents are idiots for pressuring you into marrying a stranger. Very bad decision.

 

Get a divorce, share custody, and move on with your life. Tell your parents it wasn't your idea to begin with and to shut up. This is your life, not theirs. They already had their own lives to live as they wanted. They don't get to make you live yours like they want too.

[pepperbird]

op...this is another tough love style post. proceed at your own peril.

 

 

I read your post, and it sounded like it was written by a teenager. It's full of blame for everyone else, yet short on taking personal responsibility. That ls a a real problem because what you feel you can't control, you can't change.

 

 

You can't change what has already happened, but it sounds to me like you and your wife can change the future if you are both willing to be adult about the situation. need to sit down and be honest with one another about your marriage and where you see it going. Before you do this, however, I would speak to a lawyer and find out about your rights and responsibilities are.

 

I would also stop the negative comments about your wife and family. They are half of what your child is, and if you insult them, you insult your child.

[fishlips]

If your wife's daughter kills animals then she's a danger to your baby. Seemingly her mother isn't concerned, so it's up to you to protect your son. I would file for divorce and try to get custody. It's only a matter of time before the situation gets even worse.

[SpiceCat]

The thing that stood out the most to me is you saying that you are single when you leave the house. YOU ARE NOT! CUT THAT RIGHT OUT!

 

Your marriage sucks..there's really no fixing it honestly. Also..report the daughter to the police..that's future serial killer behavior.

[d0nnivain]

Also..report the daughter to the police..that's future serial killer behavior.

 

Do not report the daughter to the police. She's a spoiled pre-teen. She's not strangling cats in the backyard. She is a child who has not broken the law.

 

OP if you try to involve the cops here, you will be prosecuted for something called malicious abuse of process & filing a false police report Being a bratty kid is not a crime.

[SpiceCat]

Do not report the daughter to the police. She's a spoiled pre-teen. She's not strangling cats in the backyard. She is a child who has not broken the law.

 

OP if you try to involve the cops here, you will be prosecuted for something called malicious abuse of process & filing a false police report Being a bratty kid is not a crime.

 

I saw another poster reference the daughter killing small animals. That is indeed a crime in most places and absolutely should be reported. If that was untrue or an exaggeration then I agree with this.

[Mr. Lucky]

I saw another poster reference the daughter killing small animals.

 

The OP said the young girl "killed two hamsters in a month" in discussing her irresponsibility. So I'm going to guess it was from neglect rather than animal cruelty, colored by the OP's distaste for the step-daughter in general.

 

Not a police matter...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SpiceCat]

The OP said the young girl "killed two hamsters in a month" in discussing her irresponsibility. So I'm going to guess it was from neglect rather than animal cruelty, colored by the OP's distaste for the step-daughter in general.

 

Not a police matter...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Ah..thanks for the clarification.