MIL Touching Boundaries, Husband And Travel

[DragonzRoost]

I never thought I would have issues with my MIL and though she is very sweet, I feel she has also crossed a line in my marriage.

 

My Husband received a late notification by his work that he would be traveling to California. He really wants me to go however, I absolutely hate flying because I get severe jet lag and have tried everything to make it better after flights, with no success. I get pretty sick and remain in bed for that day trying to recuperate. I am back and forth between staying at home or staying with my Grandparents.

 

He will be away for 5 weeks and though that is a long time, I feel space can actually make a relationship/marriage stronger, rather than weaker. I've held long distance relationships with no issue, but he has never had a long distance relationship before. He believes that this has nothing to do with traveling or long distance relationships and that us being apart for 5 weeks, is in connection to something else. (Not really sure why its not related to LDR) Dear MIL, seems to think otherwise. (Also she gets married this month) She told my Husband that it could possibly shatter our marriage and that it would not be good for us to be apart that long. Why she felt the need to say something like this to him, boggles my mind and irritates me beyond belief.

 

I have never in my life cheated and neither have given any reason for my Husband to doubt or not trust me. At times he has said "Are you cheating? Were you talking to a boy/guy/someone? What were you doing while I've been gone? Why did you suddenly stop on the computer?" He plays it off as a joke, but I take it as major insecurity. He has been cheated on before, though he doesn't like to admit. I've also had the same thing happen and know exactly how he feels. Regardless, I don't think its fair to not trust me alone. Which is one reason I believe he doesn't want to travel without me.

(Assumption, but that is what it appears as)

 

MIL saying things to him like "It could harm our marriage" pisses me off, mainly because she has no say in our marriage, especially with her own (soon to be) marriage to focus on. I think it is bad enough that he has anxiety and tends to over worry a lot. This just enhances things, rather than help calm his nerves. I have thought about going however, I REALLY don't want to be stuck in a hotel room for a month and I just don't have the same passion about traveling as he does. I can't bring my computer or any electronics for game play to make going through security faster and there wouldn't be much to do. We will be far away from anything active likes bars, restaurants, stores, all the active stuff in California. He is staying up north and far away from the city.

 

My question is.. How do I convince my Husband that being apart for a month isn't going to kill our marriage? How do I get him to trust me, as I do with him? Also since his Mother speaks Chinese, I am also curious how I can get it across to her that saying things like "Its going to shatter our marriage"is not helpful? (Also my Husband really doesn't stand up to his Mother.) She is very sweet and great as a MIL, but I feel she uses this sweet role as a pass for saying stupid ****.

Edited June 14, 2019 by DragonzRoost

[Orokotikki]

Was it a GF or ex-wife who cheated on him?

In the case of being married this can be very traumatic (being cheated on) and is not necessarily simple.

 

Also - has it occurred to you that she may be worried about what her son may get up to? And may be projecting her own personal experience.

[Lotsgoingon]

It's your husband's job to ignore and disregard the dumb s*it his mother days, that's what true adults do.

 

So trying muzzle MIL is not the answer.

 

Seems to me that if you really suffer in traveling, that he needs to step up and respect that. Otherwise, he's willfully putting you through misery.

 

There might be a compromise ... you go visit him for a week ... two weeks and come back ... Sure, you'll feel the jet lag but you won't be totally isolated and miserable for five weeks. But that's just a "compromise" I throw out there--truly I think husband needs to be paying attention to what you need ... God knows in this era, there's phone and there's facetime and skype and you can talk each day and see each other's faces each day and text each other.

 

It's your job to stand up to your husband and speak your truth and not hold your breath in misery for five weeks just to "please" him. It's his job to ignore b.s. his mother says ... and make his own decisions and formulate his own thoughts as a married ADULT. What is he? A teenager? Even teenager disregard parents' nonsense--all the time!

 

You sure this relationship is really working for you?

[DragonzRoost]

Was it a GF or ex-wife who cheated on him?

In the case of being married this can be very traumatic (being cheated on) and is not necessarily simple.

 

Also - has it occurred to you that she may be worried about what her son may get up to? And may be projecting her own personal experience.

 

I don't think he would cheat on me and I believe her projection should be personal and outside of our marriage. I know she might be worried about what could happen to him or what he might be up to, but in relation to our marriage...I just don't think its her business. Concern for her Son yes... Our marriage, no.. I'm not worried about him cheating, because I trust him fully and don't think he would do that to me.

 

I know cheating can be traumatic in a marriage, but there is no sign or issue within our trust that I've given him to think that I were capable of that. I've made that extremely clear to him, that I would never do that to him and will always communicate.

 

The girl that cheated on him was an ex/date that he had been with and she was actively talking to guys, while with him and he discovered that a man was with her, while she was on the phone with him.

[DragonzRoost]

It's your husband's job to ignore and disregard the dumb s*it his mother days, that's what true adults do.

 

So trying muzzle MIL is not the answer.

 

Seems to me that if you really suffer in traveling, that he needs to step up and respect that. Otherwise, he's willfully putting you through misery.

 

There might be a compromise ... you go visit him for a week ... two weeks and come back ... Sure, you'll feel the jet lag but you won't be totally isolated and miserable for five weeks. But that's just a "compromise" I throw out there--truly I think husband needs to be paying attention to what you need ... God knows in this era, there's phone and there's facetime and skype and you can talk each day and see each other's faces each day and text each other.

 

It's your job to stand up to your husband and speak your truth and not hold your breath in misery for five weeks just to "please" him. It's his job to ignore b.s. his mother says ... and make his own decisions and formulate his own thoughts as a married ADULT. What is he? A teenager? Even teenager disregard parents' nonsense--all the time!

 

You sure this relationship is really working for you?

 

 

(Sorry for typos btw)

 

I have questioned our relationship/marriage in the past, but not from being unsatisfied or content. I've questioned it due to him questioning my respect to him in not cheating. I also at time think that his insecurity and past anger has almost pushed me over the edge before. (Leaving) I was very close prior in another thread, to leave the marriage. I feel like it is a far jump being almost 2 hours away from Family, not ever wanting to break his heart (Because I do love him very much) and moving everything. Regardless, I'm not in the place of wanting to leave my marriage now and we have worked on things greatly to stop past behavioral issues and growing stronger. I have no desire to leave and even if I were close to home, I still would find it hard to end things. He expresses that he needs me, as much as I would need him. (Not to go cheesy dip on everyone)

 

He did mention me traveling in the middle of the month, but I just think that its not that long (To me at least) and that traveling is a waste of time that could be used to work or do something important at home. If I travel out, I'm likely to get sick. I have spoken to him about standing up to his Mother and you are right about not putting a muzzle on MIL....now as I think about that....its not a good idea.

Edited June 14, 2019 by DragonzRoost

[Tamfana]

If his trip is going to shatter your marriage he'd better not go. This is his problem and you can't spend your life adapting to his anxiety.

Edited June 14, 2019 by Tamfana

[d0nnivain]

It's a work thing. He can't not go.

 

You can't fly. Do you have enough time off that you could drive, or take some kind of other ground transportation?

 

Your MIL is a meddlesome fool. My husband often gets stuck going away for 6 weeks. I don't like it but we survive. Many families of military people are separated for months. People who work on cruise ships leave their families for 6 -9 months depending on the length of the contract. You will be fine.

[DragonzRoost]

If his trip is going to shatter your marriage he'd better not go. This is his problem and you can't spend your life adapting to his anxiety.

 

That is what I don't seem to understand.. If he believes that our marriage will shatter due to us being apart for a month, then how strong is our marriage to begin with? Its not like we are just starting a new relationship or something. We have been married over 2 years now and are constantly around each other. I feel like a month apart could actually do our marriage some good. I honestly get tired of adapting to his anxiety waves (I have them here and there too, but not as bad) and try my best to be understanding by putting myself in his shoes. Though at times I really do think its ridiculous..

 

 

 

It's a work thing. He can't not go.

 

You can't fly. Do you have enough time off that you could drive, or take some kind of other ground transportation?

 

Your MIL is a meddlesome fool. My husband often gets stuck going away for 6 weeks. I don't like it but we survive. Many families of military people are separated for months. People who work on cruise ships leave their families for 6 -9 months depending on the length of the contract. You will be fine.

 

I think the month will fly by and it won't be as difficult, as he is led to believe. I also think our car wouldn't make it that far with how old it is. I am struck to think that its not so much the time away from each other, as it is that he doesn't trust me. For some odd reason, I get that feeling.. Even if I were to explain how others tend to be away from home for 1-9 months, I feel he would still feel the same because I am alone at home.

 

When I explain to him about staying with my Grandparents he seems comfortable with the idea. If I say that I am thinking of staying at home, he will bring up the stupid **** his Mother said. Explaining that it is not good for our marriage.. I also am expecting him to call every night and ask "So you cheating on me? Who did you talk to? Who are talking to? Another guy? You have someone there?" Something along those lines that he plays off as a joke, but connects to his insecurity of being cheated on. I have asked him to stop this in the past, but it seems to come out here and there. I try to be understanding of it, but to be honest it makes me want to leave.

Edited June 14, 2019 by DragonzRoost

[d0nnivain]

If your husband doesn't trust you then you have bigger problems then being home alone for a few weeks. Address that because it's your real issue. Also your husband should take your side over his mother's side.

[DragonzRoost]

If your husband doesn't trust you then you have bigger problems then being home alone for a few weeks. Address that because it's your real issue. Also your husband should take your side over his mother's side.

 

I'm not sure how to break him of that issue though. I have told him several times to stop doing that and trying to get him into counseling is like pulling bear teeth. He says he will go, but never does in the end.. I do agree that he needs to take my side in the end and not choose to see his Mother as the last word. I asked him if we could talk later tonight, so hopefully he will be understanding.

[Lotsgoingon]

Marriage counseling isn't a substitute for standing up to controlling or abusive or narrow-minded people in our lives. You have to take a stand.

 

Expecting marriage counseling to do this work ... is not reasonable. Hubby will just duck and dodge and b.s. his way in counseling. And you'll hold your tongue as you're holding it now, and you won't resolve the conflict.

 

There's no gentle way to resolve this problem. He will be upset if you take a stand. So what? Is he violent? If so, then yes, you got bigger problems than a trip?

 

At some point, you have to go full out ... ask me about cheating again, and I'm out the door. That's the kind of stand you need to take. You don't want to beg him to stop accusing and suspecting you.

 

Do you have any economic independence? Are you dependent on him financially? I know that makes a difference.

[Mr. Lucky]

Also since his Mother speaks Chinese, I am also curious how I can get it across to her that saying things like "Its going to shatter our marriage"is not helpful? (Also my Husband really doesn't stand up to his Mother.) She is very sweet and great as a MIL, but I feel she uses this sweet role as a pass for saying stupid ****.

 

Going to assume H and MIL are Chinese and you're not.

 

There are some cultural issues at work here. I lived in China for a year and the interactions between mothers and sons, even after marriage, are different than in the Western world. Mothers dispense advice which is certainly considered if not followed. Marrying into a Chinese family usually includes accepting this.

 

I'm surprised this hasn't come up before in your relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[schlumpy]

 

My question is.. How do I convince my Husband that being apart for a month isn't going to kill our marriage? How do I get him to trust me, as I do with him? Also since his Mother speaks Chinese, I am also curious how I can get it across to her that saying things like "Its going to shatter our marriage"is not helpful? (Also my Husband really doesn't stand up to his Mother.) She is very sweet and great as a MIL, but I feel she uses this sweet role as a pass for saying stupid ****.

 

Let me say upfront that I don't find it unreasonable for spouses to worry about infidelity when the next hookup is as close as your phone. That being said I have to support your position. I would not want to live in a hotel room for over a month and not have access to my guitar studies and other things I enjoy in life. There has to be some compromise here.

 

That you both understand what it means to be cheated on is a positive thing. It would tend to make me trust my spouse more in this type of situation but apparently this isn't your husbands position.

 

I guess you can take a stand and take the chance it won't damage your relationship but perhaps you could ease his mind by dropping the night life (BARS) for that month and being more accountable (in that friends and family know where you are)with frequent phone calls and emails along with some special greeting cards. Fly up for a weekend. You could punish your mother-in-law by visiting with her more often while your husband is out of town. Invite your friends over for movies. Read some books you always wanted to read but never had the time for. Just hunker down for five weeks. You get the idea.

 

I would expect the same sacrifice from your husband. Unless he's working he should be available. No sampling the night life - maybe a trip to the museum would be OK. After all, as you stated, it is mostly his problem and you will be providing a solution.

 

I also had difficulties with my wife's parents being too involved in our lives (she is from Germany) and I did resent it which caused damage to our relationship. My only excuse is that she was 18 and I was 21. I deeply regret that now but of course it's too late. Her parents have already passed.

 

Just a thought to consider