Just can't get it right

[zig]

The more I try the more I feel like my relationship is going backwards. As I've discussed here before I decided months ago to really step things up as a husband and a dad. Perfect? No, but really making a strong effort and succeeding in many ways.

 

But I feel like no matter how much I do it doesn't seem to matter. One wrong thing I say or do and it's like the whole last week of perfection is down the drain. Where as years ago it's like it was expected that I would be crappy so any time I would do good it was appreciated. Does that make sense?

 

For instance, I do the dishes, laundry, put the kids to bed etc. very often. I offered to take the kids for the whole weekend yesterday so my wife can have some time off because she's always saying that she never gets a break. She had plans to see a family member that she just saw anyway but she wanted to take the kids too. Some way or another we ended up having a huge argument last night. She left to go stay in a hotel for the night (but ended up coming home a few hours later). That's never happened before. It wasn't an argument that was non-typical when we have a blow up every now and then. But it's the first time she left.

 

It's like the more I give the more she has to be in control of me or something. The more I try to be a perfect husband the more she expects. I just can't get it right. I bought her a really nice gift the other day but she said I only did it to get something in return like sex. I didn't. But if I don't buy her a gift or do something nice she'll tell me I'm not romanticizing her enough.

 

I'd like to point out how she always complains about not having a break from the kids. But she fills up her schedule in a way that doesn't allow her time by herself. Like this weekend. If I offer next weekend it would be the same thing. And the weekend after that. She's doing it to herself but turning it around and blaming me for it.

 

What makes it difficult is my job doesn't have a set schedule. I get days off on the spur of the moment. That makes planning difficult. We both hate that but we are single income and live off my salary very comfortably. She wanted kids but doesn't seem to "love" it like other women I know. She literally takes a weekend or weeks vacation every month (with the kids) I rarely go because of my job. She's a sahm who can go do anything she wants but still doesn't seem to be happy. It's frustrating. I know many women who would love to be able to stay at home with the kids but I know it's not for everyone either.

[preraph]

She feels trapped at home with the kids as a lot of SAHMs do and for good reason. You ARE trapped. Leaving the house with kids is a big project, actually, so it's easier to stay in.

 

That said, you have a point about her creating part of her own problem. She should take a break from them when she can instead of dragging them to grandma's, which she could do any other time. That's just stupid. If she wants a break, she should leave them with you and go do something, even if it's just lock herself in her bedroom and sleep with instructions that you make sure the kids don't come in there. Sounds like she's just strung out and emotionally amped up.

 

Ask her, I've tried to help, but it isn't working. What can I do, and be specific?

And then listen. Don't say a word. And then if it's within your power, do it.

[Els]

Is there a reason she can't go to work and leave the kids in daycare, if she's unhappy with being a SAHM? Have you broached this possibility with her? Maybe if you had a second income then you'd have more flexibility with your job, too.

 

 

 

Lots of SAHMs are unhappy, IMO. It's human nature to want to have some adult company and time to yourself sometimes, regardless of gender. There are very, very, very few women who are genuinely cut out to be happy, healthy SAHMs.

 

 

Also, is it possible that you just have high expectations of your marriage that are unrealistic when your kids are young? A married woman (with grown kids and a happy marriage) once told me: "If you have kids, you have to dial your expectations waaaaaay down when the kids are young." She's probably right.

[heartwhole2]

You've got yourselves locked in a negative cycle. This is how I felt before and during my husband's affair. (I'm not saying your wife is having an affair, but she seems to be using confirmation bias to view everything you do through a negative lens.) It seemed like no matter how generous or kind I was, he would take it like I didn't mean it. I would literally say, "I'm asking because I really want to know" or whatever. I would try to calmly point out that he was irrationally painting me as a bad guy when I was just a normal human who couldn't read minds and was sometimes distracted by her own stuff.

 

I would go to MC with a goal of learning how to communicate better so you don't keep having those blow up fights. And I'd so some exercises to remember what you love about each other.

 

Marriages need over 80% of the interactions to be positive to be successful. If you can't even give her a gift and get a positive reaction, then you are not going to have a happy home.

 

After I discovered the affair everything changed, of course. He had to shape up or ship out. But before that I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt when he was testy or mean. OK, so this isn't about me, he's just got something stressing him out, I'll keep it positive. You need to find that line between being the bigger person who allows a virtuous cycle to take hold and allowing someone to disrespect and mistreat you. Yes to the former, no to the latter.

[d0nnivain]

Have you asked her what she wants? She has to be part of the fix because if she's not then she is just part of the problem

[zig]

That said, you have a point about her creating part of her own problem. She should take a break from them when she can instead of dragging them to grandma's, which she could do any other time.

 

I'm relieved you see it the same way. She gets some time to herself like when I come home from work or if I don't have work that morning I always let her sleep in as long as she wants and I take the kids. BUT, as you pointed out she needs actual time away, like a day or weekend getaway.

 

Is there a reason she can't go to work and leave the kids in daycare, if she's unhappy with being a SAHM? Have you broached this possibility with her? Maybe if you had a second income then you'd have more flexibility with your job, too.

 

Yes, Pride. I have suggested daycare many times but she feels it's her obligation to take care of the kids. I think she would feel like less of a mom and also that people, like her parents would question her decision. She's one of the type that needs to feel like a martyr for her kids. She actually wanted to homeschool too (when kids are school age). I shot that down big time and told her absolutely not. To me it's insanity to actually dive headfirst into something that you currently can't handle.

 

Also, is it possible that you just have high expectations of your marriage that are unrealistic when your kids are young? A married woman (with grown kids and a happy marriage) once told me: "If you have kids, you have to dial your expectations waaaaaay down when the kids are young." She's probably right.

I like that advice. I've done that, but maybe I need to even more.

 

Have you asked her what she wants? She has to be part of the fix because if she's not then she is just part of the problem

 

Maybe I just assume too much without actually asking and listening to her.

Edited June 7, 2019 by zig

[zig]

confirmation bias to view everything you do through a negative lens.) It seemed like no matter how generous or kind I was, he would take it like I didn't mean it.

 

I've felt that way. It sucks. Even the gift that I gave her, which she loved has turned out to be very painful to me. She wants to give it back to me because she thinks I only gave it to her for reasons other than "I just love her"

 

Honestly, it might seem small but I think it's the single most hurtful thing that has happened to me in our marriage. It really cut me deep.

[elaine567]

I offered to take the kids for the whole weekend yesterday so my wife can have some time off because she's always saying that she never gets a break. She had plans to see a family member that she just saw anyway but she wanted to take the kids too.

 

Maybe she needs you to step up in other ways, ie do the stuff she cannot do or does not have time to do as opposed to steaming in and taking over "her job". Taking the kids away to see a family member she may not see as "work", whereas she may have other stuff piling up at home that she feels you could do to really help her.

Yard work, stuff that needs heavy lifting, some DIY project, mending stuff etc. etc.

Men taking the kids away for a jolly, is often not seen as real "help".

Also women do like to be taken along on fun family trips, they can feel excluded and isolated if left at home, even if the intention is to give them a break...

[zig]

she may have other stuff piling up at home that she feels you could do to really help her.

Yard work, stuff that needs heavy lifting, some DIY project, mending stuff etc. etc.

I already do all those things. I've always been the one who did 100% of the stereotypical "man" stuff. The things I've started to help out with recently have been the stereotypical "wife" stuff. As much as I can that is.... I still work full time so I'm not at home all day every day.

 

Men taking the kids away for a jolly, is often not seen as real "help".

Also women do like to be taken along on fun family trips, they can feel excluded and isolated if left at home, even if the intention is to give them a break...

She's point blank said to me how she would love to have the house to herself for a whole weekend. I'm going to try my best to do it next weekend again but odds are she will have plans that are more important than her sanity and our marriage.

[elaine567]

I guess you need to book that weekend in advance.

you sound like a great man but maybe now she is taking advantage of you. Are you getting any time to visit your friends and family or doing stuff you enjoy?

[zig]

but maybe now she is taking advantage of you. Are you getting any time to visit your friends and family or doing stuff you enjoy?

 

The only way I feel I'm taken advantage of is our discrepancy of spending money. She spends a lot more than I do.

 

As far as doing stuff I enjoy, that's not much of an issue. I'm more of a homebody anyway. When I do want to go out and do stuff she never gives me grief about it and she always makes time for my family although her family takes precedence for the most part I understand that's just how it is.

[BaileyB]

Pride. I have suggested daycare many times but she feels it's her obligation to take care of the kids. I think she would feel like less of a mom and also that people, like her parents would question her decision. She's one of the type that needs to feel like a martyr for her kids. She actually wanted to homeschool too (when kids are school age). I shot that down big time and told her absolutely not.

 

Ah, the martyr mother... I had a friend once who once complained to me that her husband didn’t do enough to care for their child and then told me that he was not allowed to put their baby to bed because “he didn’t know how to do it right...”

 

It seems to me that you have a communication issue that could probably be helped by marriage counselling...

[fishlips]

Is your wife depressed? Maybe she needs to go to a psychiatrist or counselor. It sounds like maybe there are things that you just can't help her with.

 

If she won't go, then maybe you need to suggest a separation for a while. She might appreciate you if she is faced with losing a good thing. I know it sucks to be around someone who is negative all the time.

[Destiny Couple]

Sorry to hear of your troubles.

 

It seems there could be some underlying issues with her current life as a SAHM and because of the life changes, she may be having a hard time dealing with it. She may seem like she is not been understood, not your fault, and is tending to forget what you do for her and is in a negative spin.

 

Assuming this not a transition period, have you talked about it with her and tried to make some goals together. Is she missing her old life with you? Is she missing you? Is she missing you? Does she feel like this if her life for good?

 

I think she is not wanting you to be the end of all her complaints and non appreciation, the best thing to do would be to understand her better and sit down and work it through and both of you are been heard without judgement. One can be the talker, one the listener and say back what the other is feeling and get confirmation of this before thinking of a solution together.

 

May I ask it has been better in the past; what do you think has happened?

[mrs rubble]

I've felt that way. It sucks. Even the gift that I gave her, which she loved has turned out to be very painful to me. She wants to give it back to me because she thinks I only gave it to her for reasons other than "I just love her"

 

Honestly, it might seem small but I think it's the single most hurtful thing that has happened to me in our marriage. It really cut me deep.

 

Have you told her this?

Have you told her how her negativity is affecting you?

I think you need to express your feelings more to her.

I also think that she could benefit from a part time job to get her out of the house.