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brittanymarie

Hello, my fiance and I got engaged last October and it’s been really rough. When I try to talk to him about our future and try and make a plan he gets mad and tells me what he wants in life and then the conversation ends. When I mention things that I think would be good for our future family he tells me I’m selfish and should think about what he wants. He doesn’t support my dreams and makes it actually harder for me to seek anything out by always drilling me to do things for him when I’m not working.

 

He wants to move south and live there but travel by himself for two weeks every month to work where we currently live. I don’t want to move away from him and my job.

 

Not it to mention he constantly is saying things like I’m lazy even though I work a full time job. He makes really really good money and I don’t mind contributing to the house but he exhusts my bank account and never thinks about how I make so much less. He makes 2500 a day I make that in two weeks. And yet when he needs something I go buy it but he never does the same. And if he does he wants me to pay him back right away.

 

When we fight he he just tells me if I’m so unhappy just leave but I want to work this out. I said yes because I meant it and I really really want to make this work but I am lost to how to talk to him.

 

We haven’t had sex in months and months. He tells me he only asked me to marry him because he thought I would work harder and he says things like he bets his dead mother is shaking her head asking why he’s still with me.

 

I try my best to do everything that he complains about to make it better but I am so lost what to do next. I am willing to communicate and find a solution to any problem. I’m willing to make safarfices but he just wants me to just not have an opinion and shut my mouth. He just confuses me because sometimes he so lovey and sometimes he hates me. I feel anxious going home after work.

 

Do you think this this is something normal after getting engaged and living together? Or is the only option to leave and start over again? I am 26 and I feel like my time is slipping away to have a family before I’m too old.

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He's the one who is selfish. If you marry him, these behaviors will get worse.

 

Get out now & do not have kids with him.

 

If you need more proof then me, somebody on the internet telling you to run, ask him to go to premarital counseling with you. He won't. If he does go, raise some of these issues with the counselor & watch him lose his mind in anger at you.

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Orokotikki

Leave him! Run! You deserve better, to be treated better!

Never would I have married my wife if she treated me like your husband, and were you one of my sister's I would be begging you, literally, to call this off for your own sake!

 

"He just confuses me..."

The reason "sometimes he so lovey" is to manipulate you into accepting terrible behavior no one should!

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He tells me he only asked me to marry him because he thought I would work harder

 

And you are, trying every day to do all the heavy lifting in the relationship.

 

Tired yet?

 

brittanymarie, your post tells us more about you than it does him. For some reason, you don't seem to think your deserve a partner who's committed to treating you with love, respect and consideration, so you've settled for this dbag. All that does is guarantee a marriage unhappier than your already dysfunctional engagement, not a recipe for success.

 

Kick him to the curb and then sit down with a counselor to understand why you'd accept so little. Seems very much like you deserve more...

 

Mr. Lucky

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As someone who is smack dab in the middle of reality concerning marriage, kids, and many of the other things you addressed I strongly advise against matrimony with this person.

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You need to get out of this relationship as soon as possible. You certainly shouldn't even consider marrying him.

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Hey, this is why you have engagements. This should be the happiest time of your life, but it's not because your fiance is an abusive jerk! Break it off. Do not tie yourself to this man. He has no respect for you and is very self-centered and only wants you to serve him in various capacities. He is never going to let you just follow your path or be yourself. He is abusive! You can't change abusive people. They get worse with age.

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pepperbird

op,

stay with this guy, and you are telling him that the way he treats you is acceptable to you. You may complain, but other than that, there are no real consequences.

Obviously, you are very unhappy. If he treats you this way when you're not even married yet, your marriage will likley be equally bad, if not worse.

Has he ever raised his hand to you in anger? If he has- and even if he hasn't- get out now! It's only going to get harder the longer you stay.

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Brittanymarie, may I ask how old you are and how long you have been dating this man?

 

And can you tell us honestly, what does this relationship bring to your life that is good?

 

When you decide to marry a man, it’s obviously important to be on the same page about important things - like when you will get married, where you will live, whether you want children, money, sex, communication, how you will resolve conflict in your relationship... If you are not in agreement about these things, it will not make for a very healthy or happy marriage.

 

I think if you are honest with yourself you will acknowledge that you are not on the same page about many of these things. That is a BIG red flag. This man will not communicate with you and when you try to negotiate with him, he puts you down and dismisses you. That’s not ok. It’s another BIG red flag. They say, one of the best predictors of a successful marriage is whether both partners are able to “fight fairly” and allow their partner to keep their dignity when they resolve conflict. Again, this man doesn’t do that.

 

If this was my relationship, I would end it this weekend. You deserve more from a man than you are getting...

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Brittanymarie,

 

If you were my daughter, and your fiance said his dead mother would be shaking her head at him, me as your live mother would be shaking my head at him. What he is doing sounds like emotional abuse and you love him and keep trying to make someone happy that is actually satisfied treating you this way because this is his normal.

 

He is this person and this is who you will have to live with. You shouldn't settle for this in life. I know because I've lived it and it doesn't change until you get out and never return.

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heartwhole2

This couldn't be further from normal, or at least from healthy.

 

I wouldn't marry anyone who was constantly accusing me of being bad in any way. What's even worse is that your fiancé is accusing you of doing all the things he's doing, so I guess he's a hypocrite as well as a selfish bully.

 

It may not feel like it, but you have plenty of time to find the right person. And I don't think there's a person here who would tell you to settle for this relationship even if you were 10 or 15 years older. Being married to a verbally abusive, selfish man is a bad plan at any age.

 

This is NOT normal. This is NOT OK. This is abuse. Just because he thinks you should accept this treatment doesn't mean you should. He's obviously not a person whose judgment you should trust about anything.

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He's not going to change and he's telling and showing you- I am what I am, take it or leave it. I'd leave it.

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I try my best to do everything that he complains about to make it better but I am so lost what to do next.

And what does he do to make your life better? Home should be the place you look forward to going, a safe place, a sanctuary.

 

 

I suggest you get your own place. Nothing that you describe speaks to love, or a happy life.

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brittanymarie

I really appreciate everyone’s kinds words. I’m afraid I have known for a while that this relantionship doesn’t bring anything worthy to my life but for some reason find myself always waking up hoping that I can convince him that I am worthy of his attention and respect.

I come from a very rough childhood so I assume that it all goes hand in hand. I read the replies from you all daily to try and remind myself that it’s not normal and no matter how much I try it won’t ever be what I want or need from a relantionship.

I have made a list of goals to try and get my own place ASAP so I can start fresh. I don’t have much support so I am going to try and stay here and try and stay on my goals to leave and not be persuaded over and over like usual to stay. I need to get a place so I have somewhere to go when it is fresh so he doesn’t have time to convince me it’s my own fault.

Sounds so crazy but sadly true.

I just wanted to say thank you all again for thank the time to reply and give me something to keep me grounded in times where I’m not sure what is normal and what isn’t once he starts playing tricks with my head.

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I really appreciate everyone’s kinds words. I’m afraid I have known for a while that this relantionship doesn’t bring anything worthy to my life but for some reason find myself always waking up hoping that I can convince him that I am worthy of his attention and respect.

I come from a very rough childhood so I assume that it all goes hand in hand. I read the replies from you all daily to try and remind myself that it’s not normal and no matter how much I try it won’t ever be what I want or need from a relantionship.

I have made a list of goals to try and get my own place ASAP so I can start fresh. I don’t have much support so I am going to try and stay here and try and stay on my goals to leave and not be persuaded over and over like usual to stay. I need to get a place so I have somewhere to go when it is fresh so he doesn’t have time to convince me it’s my own fault.

Sounds so crazy but sadly true.

I just wanted to say thank you all again for thank the time to reply and give me something to keep me grounded in times where I’m not sure what is normal and what isn’t once he starts playing tricks with my head.

 

Do not be in any doubt, what he is doing is not normal and there is someone out there who will give you the love and respect you deserve, it is certainly not him.

 

As soon as you have a place lined up to move into get him out of your life.

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Save up some money, get a job or get a second job, and you can get on the internet and find a roommate through sites such as roommates.com. or you could just find some place that will rent you a room until you can afford more. It might be nice to live with someone in case he tries to give you some trouble after you leave.

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This guy does not respect you and is using you to have someone to bully. He won't even have sex for goodness sake. You don't need this guy at all. Did you set a wedding date yet? Let me guess, NO.

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loversquarrel

Pretend I'm your dead mother and I'm shaking my head asking you "why are you still with this person?"

 

Seriously though, why are you with a guy who treats you in this manner? Is it the money? Cuz it ain't worth it, in fact I would pay money to get out of something like that.

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