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If u and your spouse think u have a happy strong marriage...


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Cyndyrr327

What does it look like? I know nothing is perfect all the time, but on a monthly basis what does it look like? Not things that involve kids, what do u do for each other (and maybe they are things that u don’t really like to do) that u know are things that are needed for the other one to be happy? How often is there affection whether it’s a kiss, slap on the butt, notes, cute texts, etc. do u tell the other one what u need? How often do u have to remind them?

 

And anything else I’ve left out?

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We don't have kids but we have dinner together most nights. We have a ritual where we talk at the kitchen table if we need to have a serious discussion about something -- money, family, etc. We regularly go on dates. Last Friday we had dinner at a romantic place on a nearby lake; Saturday we went to a local carnival, Sunday we went to a neighborhood picnic / BBQ. This Saturday we have tickets to a headliner comedian. We greet each other & part from one another with a kiss & an I love you. We function as a team, thinking would this be good for both of us. We have pet names for each other that we use often but out of others' ear shot.

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Michelle ma Belle

My brother and his wife have, what I think, is the most ideal marriage I've ever seen.

 

It wasn't always perfect, especially in the beginning, but they managed to get through the rough patches and figure out how to make it work.

 

They've been married 26 years next month. Their secret? They make each other their #1 priority. He does for her and she does for him. They are literally each other's best friend and prefer each other's company over anyone including other family.

 

I think the key to any happy long-term relationship, regardless if you're married or not, is to never stop dating. It's too easy to get comfortable and complacent after a while. The best relationships are the ones who wake up each day with the goal of making their partner feel loved, desired and appreciated. How that looks is up to each couple for themselves.

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heartwhole2

I think this all part of your daily life when you have a happy and strong marriage.

 

If there's something that you need, saying so shouldn't be a big deal because you know the other person wants you to be happy. And when the other person forgets to do something you asked, your response shouldn't be, "See, he's so inconsiderate and he never listens to me!" It should be, "Ah, he's busy, I'll remind him if it bothers me again, and he'll be cool with that because he knows it's not a big deal." (Unless of course he's really an insensitive jerk . . . then you need to address that before you can both give each other the benefit of the doubt.)

 

So much of a happy marriage is seeing things from your partner's perspective and giving them the benefit of the doubt. Like I will drink half an iced tea and save the rest for the next day. My husband will see a half-drunk iced tea and think, "Oh, I'll help clear out the refrigerator by drinking this unwanted iced tea." I open the fridge in the morning and think, "Wah! Where is my iced tea?" In a healthy marriage you can just say, "Hey hon, I know you're just clearing out the fridge but if it's the last iced tea please know I'm planning to drink it the next day and then I have nothing to drink." And then he's all apologetic and I'm all, "But how could you have known? No big deal." :love:

 

Before my husband had an affair we did have more resentments that would build up. You need to be able to recognize when you are unhappy about something and then take a step back and evaluate it objectively. And you need to communicate this stuff with your partner and be open to their feedback and preferences. You need to laugh off the little misunderstandings and listen carefully when your partner shares the big ones. And you need to pay attention to the ways your partner is telling you that they love you. Their love languages are probably different than yours. Pay attention to the message and not so much the delivery.

 

The answer to your questions is "every day." Every day we do things for each other that aren't necessarily what we would do if we were only responsible for ourselves. Every day we are affectionate and cute with each other. Every day we say things the other person might be missing about what we want or need, if that's how often they come up.

 

Getting to this place after my husband hurt me so badly wasn't easy. I viewed it like a game of tennis. Each time we hit the ball back to the other we were keeping the game going. He sent me videos of songs that made him think of me/us in those early days. I sent him poems that made me think of him, often expressing how complicated real love could be. And we had to learn how to communicate differently since he had so rarely expressed himself before. All of a sudden having his resentments dumped on me could be overwhelming, but we learned how to do it while viewing the other person as a partner, not an adversary. And that in turn made those resentments a lot more minor and infrequent.

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They've been married 26 years next month. Their secret? They make each other their #1 priority. He does for her and she does for him. They are literally each other's best friend and prefer each other's company over anyone including other family.

 

I know a couple like this, they married in '89 and are still going...the kids are grown and on their own, now they are having fun

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We've been together for 10+ years.

 

There's affection every day. Even if one of us is traveling (and therefore there can't be physical affection), we'll always try to call.

 

I don't often do things that I dislike "for him". Personally, I think that's a key component of a compatible relationship - if you need a lot of things that your partner dislikes doing, you're probably incompatible. Probably the only thing I can think of that happens frequently is leaving him alone to man-cave when he's had a difficult day at work - my instinct is to cuddle and comfort him, but he's told me that what he really needs is time to veg out. On a more occasional basis, I usually dislike shopping for birthday etc presents, but he puts so much effort into mine that it motivates me to do the same for him.

 

There ARE things that I regularly do that I dislike, but that's not "for him", it's just chores that are part of being an adult. Nobody really likes doing the dishes or sorting out the spoilt milk or cleaning out the vents, but it's not something that you're doing "for your partner" either, you're doing it because you live there IMO.

 

I rarely "remind" H much about things that I'd like him to do for me - he really does observe and do them himself. For less personal and more practical stuff, of course there's the occasional "It's trash day tomorrow", but I don't think that's what you're talking about, OP?

 

So much of a happy marriage is seeing things from your partner's perspective and giving them the benefit of the doubt. Like I will drink half an iced tea and save the rest for the next day. My husband will see a half-drunk iced tea and think, "Oh, I'll help clear out the refrigerator by drinking this unwanted iced tea." I open the fridge in the morning and think, "Wah! Where is my iced tea?" In a healthy marriage you can just say, "Hey hon, I know you're just clearing out the fridge but if it's the last iced tea please know I'm planning to drink it the next day and then I have nothing to drink." And then he's all apologetic and I'm all, "But how could you have known? No big deal." :love:

 

Oh, you guys are so sweet! Usually I'd just say, "Hey! Leave my iced tea alone next time!" and tickle him, and he starts tickling me back... :lmao:

Edited by Elswyth
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What does it look like?

 

You're going to get as many different answers as there are posters here. My wife and I are very different people, she likes to stay home, scrapbook, garden, watch TV, hang with the family. I like to play sports, go places and do things, access technology, do things with the family.

 

To put it simply, we support each other in what we like to do and enjoy the overlap. To do this successfully, you need communication, humility, trust and respect for the differences.

 

No one size fits all...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Reading the answers from couples that don't have kids makes me jealous. When the kids came it brought a whole new challenge to our relationship. But there is something awesome about having kids too.... I just wish there was a way to have your cake and eat it too.

Edited by zig
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Reading the answers from couples that don't have kids makes me jealous. When the kids came it brought a whole new challenge to our relationship. But there is something awesome about having kids too.... I just wish there was a way to have your cake and eat it too.

 

 

Trust me, lots of us wish that too, including those of us who are currently choosing to be childfree. If I could press a button and have a 25-yo fully-independent offspring of mine magically show up without me needing to lift a finger... you better believe I'd have 3 of them by now. :laugh:

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BettyDraper

My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for 9 years this October.

 

We prioritize romantic time as a couple but this is easy because we don't have children.

 

We speak each other's love languages. My husband's love language is Acts of Service so I make sure that he has a lovely dinner to enjoy every evening. If he's ill, I take care of him as much as possible. My love language is Gifts so my husband will surprise me with little tokens such as cards, bottles of wine, flowers etc. We also go out on date nights and travel when we can.

 

We communicate in a clear and respectful manner; we discuss our disagreements until issues are resolved.

 

We share the same values and beliefs about important topics such as boundary setting with family, finances, and living a healthy lifestyle.

 

We are a very affectionate and passionate couple. We always hold hands when we're out together.

We say "I love you" a few times a day. We love to cuddle and kiss.

Sex is sublime...we have sex 3-4 times a week which is frequent for long term couples.

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...we have sex 3-4 times a week which is frequent for long term couples.

 

that's pretty good for being married 9 yrs

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Another thing I noticed -- we say please & thank you to each other. Even for small things. Appreciation goes a long way.

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BettyDraper
Reading the answers from couples that don't have kids makes me jealous. When the kids came it brought a whole new challenge to our relationship. But there is something awesome about having kids too.... I just wish there was a way to have your cake and eat it too.

 

The only way to have your cake and eat it too is having staff raise your children. Unfortunately, that option is not available for most people.

 

I have heard the jealous comment from more than one parent. They wish they could travel and spend lots of time as a couple like my husband and I can. I just remind them that they have beautiful children. There is more than one way to be happy in life. That said, I have observed the very negative effect that children have on parents' romantic relationship.

 

I briefly considered becoming a mother but when I thought about the stress and expense of parenting, I opted to remain childfree and I am very glad that I made that decision.

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I actually find it hard to answer the OPs comment when removing children from the equation. Part of being giving as a partner involves being involved with the kids and not leaving it all to the other. Being there for each other can mean both parents staying home with Netflix and wine when there's no sitter rather than one being grudgingly left at home. In the early days of parenting, hubby would come home and I'd be exhausted from caring for baby. He'd take over and I'd get some blessed peace in the kitchen. Working together with the kids is so important.

 

As for the other things, we've been together for eons. We don't communicate our needs because we don't have to. We already know what they are and incorporate them in our lives.

 

We don't argue. In the 25+ years together, I have raised my voice once and he never has. Instead, we discuss, listen to each other's POV and find solutions.

 

Sexually, there's a bit of dysfunction happening on both sides. But we still snuggle and cuddle and hug and kiss. Love notes have never been a thing - we show with actions.

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BettyDraper
I actually find it hard to answer the OPs comment when removing children from the equation. Part of being giving as a partner involves being involved with the kids and not leaving it all to the other. Being there for each other can mean both parents staying home with Netflix and wine when there's no sitter rather than one being grudgingly left at home. In the early days of parenting, hubby would come home and I'd be exhausted from caring for baby. He'd take over and I'd get some blessed peace in the kitchen. Working together with the kids is so important.

 

As for the other things, we've been together for eons. We don't communicate our needs because we don't have to. We already know what they are and incorporate them in our lives.

 

We don't argue. In the 25+ years together, I have raised my voice once and he never has. Instead, we discuss, listen to each other's POV and find solutions.

 

Sexually, there's a bit of dysfunction happening on both sides. But we still snuggle and cuddle and hug and kiss. Love notes have never been a thing - we show with actions.

 

It's great that your husband is so helpful. I usually hear mothers complain that their husbands leave them to do all of the housework and childrearing. This is often the case whether moms work outside the home or not.

 

I once had a naive friend tell me that it will be easy to be home with a newborn. I laughed and told her that she clearly has no experience with children whatsoever. The most grueling job I ever had was working as a nanny.

 

What is the cause of sexual dysfunction in your marriage?

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I am a stay at home mom/carer so I do do most of the housework. But I can be messy, so he tidies. And while I do cook the evening meal, he helps me clear up afterwards. I guess we each contribute as we can.

 

I hear you on the childraising thing. I actually liked my kids far better when they could communicate ;)

 

Dysfunction is in the form of menopause hormone drop from me (HRT and even testosterone didn't help) and from him, there's ED and a mild case of Peyrone's disease. I check in with him sometimes to make sure he's not feeling neglected but I think his desire has pretty much tanked too. He says this is just our new way to be. And I'm so grateful that we also match on this.

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I think compatibility is over rated. In most people's minds it means liking the same things. What is that about?

 

My wife and I have virtually nothing in common and its great. Our separate interest have expanded our worlds. Different race, different regions hell we were born on different continents. Our two common interests are our kids and each other.

 

Our marriage is and always has been far from perfect, but we communicate well, empathize with each other and usually think of the other first.

 

Every Wednesday she throws on a nice dress and I take her out to a nice restaurant. Every Thursday we take a walk, during this walk we voice any concerns or issues we have with the other or marriage. We follow this up with a walk on Sunday to respond to the others concerns or issues.

 

Affection is all the time, I'm a very hands on guy (hands on her body), sex is frequent maybe not as much as she would like, she has a higher sex drive.

 

It works for us, we've had some major bumps along the way, but we have been together since we were 16 and 17 years old almost 30 years now. It just works for us.

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Yeah nah. I think compatibility in terms of morals and ethics and approach to life is crucial. They don't have to be identical, but similar enough to not cause large rifts. I'm so glad that you and your wife have found what works for you, but I'd not be able to continue in a relationship which was 'far from perfect'. (I'd describe ours as 95% great)

 

I completely agree that a couple doesn't have to have the same interests. I suspect people who feel this way are unable to talk outside their own field of interest. A social skill impairment if you will.

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I think compatibility is over rated. In most people's minds it means liking the same things. What is that about?

 

My wife and I have virtually nothing in common and its great. Our separate interest have expanded our worlds. Different race, different regions hell we were born on different continents.

 

Ummm, being the same race or born in the same place is absolutely not a requirement for compatibility, lol!! When we talk about compatibility, I assure you that we aren't saying you should date someone of the same race.... :eek:

 

Similar interests can be part of compatibility, but compatibility is MUCH bigger than that. To me, compatibility means intellectual compatibility (you get each other), emotional compatibility (your love languages coincide reasonably well), sexual compatibility, and a similar worldview. You want mostly the same things out of a relationship and you have compatible opinions on how to make that happen.

 

As for similar interests in and of themselves - mostly, that's really just a personal preference IMO. Also, it's worth noting that having some common interests isn't mutually exclusive with also having some separate interests.

 

Personally, I think it's fantastic that H and I share some common interests. It isn't the biggest part of what keeps us together, but it helps - it's nice to have more options for quality time together. We do also have interests that the other person doesn't share, obviously.

 

we communicate well, empathize with each other and usually think of the other first.

Yes, this is also part of it for us - but again, not mutually exclusive. It all contributes to part of the whole.

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Destiny Couple

Great question!

 

My wife have made a conscious effort to maintain and look for ways to improve and sustain our marriage and overall quality of our relationship.

 

The biggest thing for us is the acknowledgement. We try to make sure we greet each other in the morning and at night, like with a hug and kiss, and try to talk whenever we can in the mornings and at night. They have to be subjects that are not related to work or anything that is related to stress.

 

Another big thing we do is to have lunch once a week and we pick where we go to eat.

 

In the evenings, we try to spend some time together, and not just staring at our phones either. We try to watch something together or if the weather is fine we may go for a walk.

 

We also have the long term goals of planning holidays once a year and rewarding ourselves when we accomplish our goals. They could be work related, or house related goals. It is important to plan together and look forward to doing things together.

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major_merrick
They've been married 26 years next month. Their secret? They make each other their #1 priority. He does for her and she does for him. They are literally each other's best friend and prefer each other's company over anyone including other family.

 

 

That's the secret. Your partner(s) come first. Before the kids. Definitely before inlaws and extended family. Kids grow up and leave you, but your partner shouldn't.

 

That means time away from everybody else. That means healthy work-life balance. It means continually dating and staying friends, sharing activities outside the home.

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Lotsgoingon

Here's a divorced, single guy's perspective on the day-to-day life of a good marriage. This is partly based on the bad marriage I was in ... and on observations of friends' marriages, family members' marriages and so on.

 

I think it's important that the spouses like each other. When my father died, it finally hit me ... not only did he love me ... He genuinely liked me. I was resistant to this insight because he and I are so different. He was gruff, a WW2 vet ... could save a nickel on a penny ... totally organized. I'm touchy-feeling, more outgoing, more disorganized and so on ... And yet ... at the end of his life, he wanted me around all the time. He let me into his intimate space, let me arrange doctor's appointments, took my advice. He LIKED me. My mother had been saying this for years, but I didn't get what she was saying.

 

I sense that in good marriages the partners don't just love each other but truly like each other, take pleasure in each other's company day to day. They listen and laugh at each other's funny stories, encourage the other to pursue interests and hobbies, to develop their talents and so on.

 

They give the other a neck massage after a tough day. Look out for the comforts of the other person. Encourage each other to go out with friends and do the things they enjoy doing that don't involve the other partner. Good partners recognize each other's strengths and acknowledge these strengths and gifts aloud. They can point out the other's foibles in an affectionate, playful way with no loaded passive aggressiveness.

 

I'm a hugger ... and a good marriage for me will involve frequent hugging and touching ... tender touching. I have friends who are in sexless marriages, and what I've learned is that yes, sex is good ... But ... what is really lacking in some of these marriages is that the couples don't cuddle, don't rub each other's necks, don't affectionately hug. These couples have no TLC.

 

There is a famous marriage researcher, John Gottman, who has some great insights into happy couples.

https://www.gottman.com/about/research/couples/

Edited by Lotsgoingon
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We're coming up on 20 years. We each have kids from our starter marriages, and for a few years had them with us part-time - and still survived! (The kids did too.)

 

We are kind to each other, in the ways the other likes, and we focus on positive and supportive things, and daily tell each other we love each other (not by rote, as some couples seem to do esp. on the phone, but with sincerity - because it's true!).

 

It helps that we are extremely compatible: in personality types, values, beliefs, attitudes, most interests, and most activities. We can easily agree on how to buy, design and decorate a house, plan a vacation (or just dinner), or set boundaries for a problematical adult child. We're best friends, but don't mind each other having close friends, even of the opposite sex. We figure it out, because we want each other to be happy and fulfilled.

 

We spend a lot of quality time together, enjoy physical contact, and (still) have sex almost daily. We'll probably improve on that when I retire next month, and move across country on our next adventure. Together.

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Lotsgoingon

The quote of the day, of the week!

 

We spend a lot of quality time together, enjoy physical contact, and (still) have sex almost daily. We'll probably improve on that when I retire next month.

 

And I love this:

We're best friends, but don't mind each other having close friends, even of the opposite sex. We figure it out, because we want each other to be happy and fulfilled.

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