Shavone39 Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 Hello, I wasnt sure at first if I should be using this method of airing out my grievances...but I figured I'd give it a try... My marriage truly saddens me. My husband and I have been married for almost 11 years. Our years together dating, engaged and even our first few years of marriage were wonderful. I mean, we had our moments when our faith was tested but we conquered and stayed strong. We have always had a passionate and affectionate relationship....that is until 5 years ago...then things changed. My husband got sick and ended up in the hospital. He was there for about 8 days for a hypertension crisis. It was pretty bad...pretty scary...but I was by his side at every moment. Once again, we conquered it together and stayed strong...but things started changing. The once very affectionate very passionate husband i once had became very isolated and standoffish. He would snap at our boys for the smallest things, spent a lot of time in the basement or living room watching tv, and worked. He stopped paying attention to me, stopped showing me any type of affection, he even stopped wanting to have sex with me. At first I started blaming myself. I was a very plus size woman at that time and thought that he lost his physical attractions to me. I thought that he just lost interest in me cause he was too busy with work...or whatever. Then I realized he was depressed...so i asked him...pleaded with him on many occasions to seek help. He always gave me the i have no time excuse. Things just continued to slump down ever since. Mind you, we both suffered from some emotional issues. I realized a few years ago that i needed to make some major changes in my life or things were gonna get worse. I sought therapy, addressed my issues, even decided to get healthy and lose weight..which I did...a substantial amount. I worked hard on myself to change the things that I knew were affecting my life and my relationships...and i have become a better woman because of it. Fast forward to current times. Through all of that our relationship continues to lack intimacy, affection, communication and just overall showing of love. I have threatened to leave him in the past year because i can no longer continue to feel unwanted and unloved. My husband is a good man and an amazing father by all means...which is why i never had and probably never will go outside of my marriage. But it has been difficult for me knowing that my husband doesnt even hug or kiss me anymore...let alone show intamacy...or even compliment me anymore. I know to some people those things may be minor but i am really feeling affected by the lack of those things. We have been to MC before...but nothing has truly changed. I dont want to continue to argue or fight with him over this. I just want to FEEL LOVE. Can anyone help me out with some guidance? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 I'm sorry you're in this situation. However, this is bigger than his attraction (or loss of) to you. Rather, it's about his current mental state and how this affects all of his life. You say that he snaps at the boys for no reason...but you also say that he's an excellent father. This is a contradiction in terms. Tell us more about his relationship with the boys. Do they still have a good connection? Is he a good role model? Does he spend quality time with them? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 If you’re unhappy in your marriage get a divorce. Life’s too short to live it in misery. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 I’m very sorry, that sounds like a long and lonely road... Has your husband done anything to try and improve his depression? This story reminds me of the three c’s - you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you won’t cure it. Unfortunately, it takes two to have a marriage. Assuming that you have clearly told him how you are feeling, your husband needs to be willing to work toward improving his health and invest in your marriage. His inaction over the years tells you all you need to know. It’s doubtful that anyone could say that you haven’t been a loyal and supportive partner. But at a certain point, and perhaps you are there, the only decision you have to make is whether what he is offering is enough for you... and it doesn’t sound like it is anymore... Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 If you’re unhappy in your marriage get a divorce. Life’s too short to live it in misery. sometimes getting a divorce is akin to jumping out of the fry pan and into the fire 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 Its sounds like resentment. I knew a guy who was hospitalized for what he felt was a life threatening heart issue. Turned out he had tore some back muscles and created a great deal of pain in his chest area. During his day spent in the hospital he didn't feel his wife was very concerned about him, she was in and out of the room and eventually left for work. In his mind he felt abandoned and it turned to resentment which eventually led to them being divorced 8 or 9 years later. His overall behavior towards her declined from that moment. My point is, clearly his behavior changed after the hospital incident, could there have been something you did there that may have created resentment on his part? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shavone39 Posted June 6, 2019 Author Share Posted June 6, 2019 I feel like i need to provide some clarity... When i said he would snap at the boys for no reason...it was just him being a bit more brute with them when it came to giving them directives and when it came to discipline. He is...again...an AMAZING father. He loves those boys and they love him. He provides for their needs and then some. He also guides and teaches them...they could not ask for a better role model. The kids arent the issue...its us Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 sometimes getting a divorce is akin to jumping out of the fry pan and into the fire Sometimes divorce is also a second chance at life because you’ve corrected a mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shavone39 Posted June 6, 2019 Author Share Posted June 6, 2019 I'm sorry you're in this situation. However, this is bigger than his attraction (or loss of) to you. Rather, it's about his current mental state and how this affects all of his life. You say that he snaps at the boys for no reason...but you also say that he's an excellent father. This is a contradiction in terms. Tell us more about his relationship with the boys. Do they still have a good connection? Is he a good role model? Does he spend quality time with them? Its sounds like resentment. I knew a guy who was hospitalized for what he felt was a life threatening heart issue. Turned out he had tore some back muscles and created a great deal of pain in his chest area. During his day spent in the hospital he didn't feel his wife was very concerned about him, she was in and out of the room and eventually left for work. In his mind he felt abandoned and it turned to resentment which eventually led to them being divorced 8 or 9 years later. His overall behavior towards her declined from that moment. My point is, clearly his behavior changed after the hospital incident, could there have been something you did there that may have created resentment on his part? Nope. I was there EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. He even refused to allow the nurse to help his use the bathroom or wash himself...I took care of those things. I slept at the hospital, ate at the hospital, I took off of work the entire time he was there. I had my mom come and stay with our boys while i was there with him. So...not that I can recall... Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 The kids arent the issue...its us you need to for go your happiness for the sake of the children...at least until the are college age, then do whatever you want 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shavone39 Posted June 6, 2019 Author Share Posted June 6, 2019 I’m very sorry, that sounds like a long and lonely road... Has your husband done anything to try and improve his depression? This story reminds me of the three c’s - you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you won’t cure it. Unfortunately, it takes two to have a marriage. Assuming that you have clearly told him how you are feeling, your husband needs to be willing to work toward improving his health and invest in your marriage. His inaction over the years tells you all you need to know. It’s doubtful that anyone could say that you haven’t been a loyal and supportive partner. But at a certain point, and perhaps you are there, the only decision you have to make is whether what he is offering is enough for you... and it doesn’t sound like it is anymore... I wish I can say that it was enough...but I'd be lying to myself. I just wish I knew why he doesnt want to make effort...a true effort...to fixing this problem in our relationship. He doesnt even want to talk about it when i try to bring it up. I cant even tell him how I feel about it anymore because he will shut down and not respond to me or tell me that he doesnt know why he feels like that. Sigh.... Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 I’d flat out ask him why isn’t he attracted to you anymore? And I’d ask him if he still loves you? You can’t both keep avoiding communication. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shavone39 Posted June 6, 2019 Author Share Posted June 6, 2019 you need to for go your happiness for the sake of the children...at least until the are college age, then do whatever you want The boys are 17 and 15 now...so that age is approaching soon... Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 Are the kids not his and from a previous relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shavone39 Posted June 6, 2019 Author Share Posted June 6, 2019 I’d flat out ask him why isn’t he attracted to you anymore? And I’d ask him if he still loves you? You can’t both keep avoiding communication. Absolutely right. I've asked him those questions and ive gotten...yes I still love you....as far as the attraction question....he never gives me a straight answer. He either tells me that its not about that or why do i always ask him that. Its so emotionally confusing Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 Maybe he’s suffering with low testosterone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shavone39 Posted June 6, 2019 Author Share Posted June 6, 2019 Are the kids not his and from a previous relationship? They are from a previous marriage. My husband has raised them since they were toddlers. He has adopted them...they have his last name. So they are his. And that was my husband choice to do that...he even asked the boys permission before we went to court and filed the paperwork. So those boys are his....yes. May not be his sperm but those are his boys. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shavone39 Posted June 6, 2019 Author Share Posted June 6, 2019 Maybe he’s suffering with low testosterone. Ive been wanting to look into that. Im a nurse so i know the Dx behind that but he will not make an appt to see a doctor about it. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 Just because he’s awesome in that way doesn’t mean he’s awesome in everything else. It’s going to take a toll on your self-esteem if he keeps rejecting you this way. It’s really not fair to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shavone39 Posted June 6, 2019 Author Share Posted June 6, 2019 Just because he’s awesome in that way doesn’t mean he’s awesome in everything else. It’s going to take a toll on your self-esteem if he keeps rejecting you this way. It’s really not fair to you. I am slowly realizing that now. To the point where im questioning my looks and personality. Im no Miss America by no means but i do possess some unique physical traits that others find beautiful...im just afraid that ill begin to not see those things in myself. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 (edited) I think for most people LTR love is different from first-few-years love. But it sounds like you've got NO love, which is different. It sounds like he might have (clinical) depression. Has he seen a doctor for his mood? It might possibly be low testosterone as well. Either of those things (as well as many other possibilities) could explain a lot of what you describe. Consider insisting he see a doctor. If there's no treatment for him (or he simply refuses) then, yes divorce would be a consideration. Strongly suggest you AVOID the temptation to have an affair in order to feel "loved" again. These things tend to create major emotional headaches if they're not discovered and if they are discovered they sometimes really ruin people's lives. If you find you must move on, really think about divorcing first to avoid probable major distress! And you don't have to take my word for this either - just do a little reading in the Infidelity and OM/OW sections! Edited June 6, 2019 by mark clemson add last line Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 7, 2019 Share Posted June 7, 2019 Maybe you just need to be more assertive with him if he’s not into giving you answers as to why. Tell him you’re making an appointment to have labs taken because if he can’t explain it then something else might be going on. It’s probably embarrassing for him if it is indeed low T that’s causing all of this. Some men equate that to being a man so he may be as bummed about it as you are but just doesn’t want to talk about it. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 7, 2019 Share Posted June 7, 2019 Maybe you just need to be more assertive with him if he’s not into giving you answers as to why. Tell him you’re making an appointment to have labs taken because if he can’t explain it then something else might be going on. That’s the thing with health care, he needs to consent. She can not force him to go to the doctor. That said, when your kids are on their way assuming that the situation has not changed, the knowledge that you have your bags packed may actually prompt him to do something about his health. Or not. The simple truth is, you only have so much control here. You control one person and I think you know who that person is... Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 7, 2019 Share Posted June 7, 2019 Yea Bailey I get that but she’s a healthcare professional and his wife. I think she could be more convincing than most everyone else would be. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 7, 2019 Share Posted June 7, 2019 He might have depression and also ED. Maybe his heart problems and the solution, one or the other or both, made him where he can't have sex anymore. I used to hear men decades ago complain about high blood pressure medicine affecting them. -- But surely he is smart enough to go revisit his doctor and tell the doctor and see what is going on or try Viagra or something if that is the case. Can you tell if he ever gets an erection? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts