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Marrying a widower - can't stand his family's behaviour


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blueeyesblue

My boyfriend and future husband (wedding due in autumn) is a 38 year old widower. His late wife passed away seven years ago (cancer) at the age of 30, after a six year marriage; we've been together for three. He has always been very open about it and has always made me feel special and "the one". He doesn't mention her unless it comes up in the conversation for some reason, which doesn't happen much. It's a natural thing for both of us. I have always respected it. I have gone to the cemetery with him when we visited the town where they used to live. We were invited to her sister (his sister in law)'s wedding, I have met her parents, everyone was nice and I thought it was great that they still kept in touch and got along so well.

 

It's HIS family that is the problem to me. His mother and sister, to be more specific. Now, I understand they loved her, I understand they think about her and miss her. But it's like they are obsessed with her. When I first went to his house, I realised they still kept pics of her around the house - and pics of the both of them, not really caring that I was there, pregnant with his child (who's now a 18 month baby girl). One day his mother came up to me with their wedding photos and started showing them to me out of nowhere. I don't think she did it to upset me, she just has no notion whatsoever. A few days later she was telling me again all about her wedding dress. And at least 3 or 4 times a year (specially when it would have been his late wife's birthday and the anniversary of her death) they fill their facebook/instagram/you name it timeline with pictures of her, with pictures of her grave (this to me is a big WTF), and pictures of them both - my future husband and her - and make a big deal out of it. They say how much they miss her, how she was lovely and an angel on earth, they show off their tacky tattoos with her name...I know, I know. I don't mean to sound insensitive but I just can't take this crap anymore. I went from being understanding to ...not caring, to be honest. This is not normal to me, this is sick. I think it's a huge lack of respect for my husband, who is constantly reminded of her. I mean, not even her family is putting on this morbid show for everyone to see. Yet they do it all the time. His mother, his sister, his aunt, his/her friends - I have some on my facebook too, since I've met them - and it has become too much for me.

 

I don't mean to sound insensitive, though I probably do. It's very hard to be in my shoes because I can easily be seen as having no respect for his late wife's memory - it's not that at all. I understand she was special, I understand they cherish the memories they have, but I do think they should keep it more private. Social media is not the place for that kind of stuff. Grave pictures? Come on. Always adding that she was such a lovely and irreplaceable human being. I do think that it is a huge lack of respect for me, for my husband, for my daughter...for the life we've built together, the three of us.

 

There is this obvious concept behind it all that no one will ever measure up. They're not really people whose opinions and greatly important to me (based on their general personalities and behaviour). We have nothing in common. But a little respect would be nice. I mean, even when we mention our wedding which we're planning, his mother will say "oh she did this and that". I feel like screaming "I don't care what on earth she did or what flowers she chose. I'm not her. We're two entirely different people. What worked for her won't work for me. Keep your mouth shut".

 

I have voiced this feelings to my husband after many upsetting situations and he said I was right and that it was really hard for him to live with that because it's like he's doomed by his family. He says he can't do anything. I kind of disagree. I do think he should have a word with them, but he says they're only gonna be upset and think it came from me. Still, I do think he should have a word with them. I think it's messed up that I have to live with his. Their pics should not be up when I go to his house. I'm fine with HER parents having their picture at their house. But not with HIS parents having their pics around the house. It's an entirely different thing.

 

It looks like I'm gonna have to deal with this for the rest of my life. If I can't change it, I should probably just accept "it is what it is" and enjoy life with my husband which is a great person, we're happy together, and not pay attention to that. But I guess I'm writing this because this is really getting to me in a way I never thought it would. I feel fed up. I feel disrespected. I feel kind of disappointed my future husband won't do anything about it.

 

Advice?

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You jumped head first into this, got pregnant after only 9 months and now you realise the lot of the second wife with a family that is still grieving the loss of the "wonderful" first wife, is not great.

When people die very young, then the grieving can be very intense and here his family knew her for at least six years, no doubt went through the cancer with her and they are also grieving what could have been.

 

They hardly know you, they probably feel you have bulldozed your way in, they may feel you trapped him by getting pregnant quickly and now you want them to forget about her...

 

Being the second wife can be difficult, even worse here as the "perfect" first wife died very young, not really a lot you can do about that but respect needs to be earned and moaning to your husband about how his family need to respect you and your child is not going to help.

You are putting him into a very difficult position, neither he nor you can dictate the pics people display in their own house, nor what they post on social media. He may tell you he doesn't like his family remembering her in this way but maybe he does... who knows?

 

I guess you have never been married before and want your wedding to be special and unique but when you intend to marry someone who has already been married and is a widower, then there are always going to be comparisons made and the dead are very difficult to compete against and "win", sorry to say.

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blueeyesblue

Judgemental much?

She had been dead for 5 years when I got pregnant. I'm over 35. I trapped noone, nor have I "bulldozed" my way in. And I do not want them to "forget" about her. You got it all wrong - plus you're judging. I don't see the point in "got pregnant just 9 months after...". We're grown ups. That's irrelevant.

 

I don't have a problem with different opinions - but I won't have you judging.

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Chill on elaine, OP. She's pointing out that his family may feel htat way. It's legit. THEY may think of this as bulldozing or trapping.

 

The key to solving your problem is your fiance. HE needs to understand your concerns and address them with his family. What does he say about it?

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Veronica73

When his mother goes on about what she did at her wedding, can’t you have a conversation and tell her in a nice way that you’re not her, and how it makes you feel when she talks about her in that way?

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CautiouslyOptimistic

I don't think it's odd for them to keep pictures of her out in their home. You could try to look at this as a positive.....they have a big capacity to love someone who is not of their flesh and blood.

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blueeyesblue
I don't think it's odd for them to keep pictures of her out in their home. You could try to look at this as a positive.....they have a big capacity to love someone who is not of their flesh and blood.

 

I don't have a problem with them having a picture of her at the house. I have a problem with pics of them together, hugging, etc. They kept one in the room where we spent the night. It's the whole thing in general, I was trying to explain that I'm perfectly fine with them loving her and remembering, but they're posting things about her all the time, pictures of good times she had with my actual boyfriend. It's been seven years and I think it's actually very disrespectful and rude - specially to him.

 

It's a very awkward situation. It's hard to explain how I feel without looking bad or unconsiderate. It's a very delicate situation. I respect them, however, and feel like I deserve some respect too.

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blueeyesblue
When his mother goes on about what she did at her wedding, can’t you have a conversation and tell her in a nice way that you’re not her, and how it makes you feel when she talks about her in that way?

 

I suppose I could, but I don't think she'd get it. I don't think I could do it without coming across as jealous or insensitive.

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somanymistakes

They cared about this woman, and because she is dead she will always be perfect and treasured for them. Don't try to force them to stop revering her, it'll make you look like a bitch.

 

It would be creepy if they were trying to force you to build shrines to her in YOUR home, but let them memorialise her how they want to in their OWN homes. And their social media accounts are also their spaces. You don't have the right to tell them what to do in those spaces. You can ask them not to direct that stuff at you, and you can choose to spend less time with them or mute them on SM so you don't see it as much.

 

 

edit: yeah, ahving pictures of them together in a room where they expected you to sleep is going too far, because that's pushing it on you. that's worth asking them to knock it off and consider your feelings.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I suppose I could, but I don't think she'd get it. I don't think I could do it without coming across as jealous or insensitive.

 

I think you could phrase it in a way that makes you appear vulnerable, and not like a wicked witch :).

 

I think your fiance should have a talk with them and ask that, at the very least, the pic of them hugging should be removed from the room in which you stay. That's fair I think. As far as social media.....I'd just try to find a way to live with that. You can "hide" people from your feed, or just stay off social media around the times that are sensitive for them.

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The Outlaw

I don't feel it's meant as a sign of disrespect to you or your future husband, so as much as it annoys you, don't take it that way. But that kind of thing isn't easy to get over. He may have already said a word to them about it, and it could have easily fallen upon deaf ears, therefore, he just ignores it the best he can.

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blueeyesblue, I completely understand what you're saying, and I am sure in your shoes I would feel the same way.

 

Work on building your own bonds with his family and create your own special place in their lives. You are the mother of their grandchild and that provides an opportunity to open some emotional doors Make sure and make them feel an important part of her life. Give them a specially framed picture of your fiance and you and your child.

 

In time things will hopefully ease.

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lana-banana

His relatives got tattoos of her name? That alone seems completely nuts to me. I don't think you'll ever win with these folks, but stick to your guns and make sure your husband-to-be backs you up. Do you have family or friends who can help play interference, or at least communicate your side of things?

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I was trying to explain that I'm perfectly fine with them loving her and remembering, but they're posting things about her all the time, pictures of good times she had with my actual boyfriend. It's been seven years and I think it's actually very disrespectful and rude - specially to him.

 

But you're not fine with it, because you're objecting to the very things they do as part of "loving her and remembering".

 

blueeyesblue, sounds like you have a great relationship with your husband-to-be. So why does this one issue bother you so much?

 

Mr. Lucky

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blueeyesblue

 

Work on building your own bonds with his family and create your own special place in their lives. You are the mother of their grandchild and that provides an opportunity to open some emotional doors Make sure and make them feel an important part of her life. Give them a specially framed picture of your fiance and you and your child.

 

.

 

I have sent them pics of their grandchild/niece but there's not a single one on their walls. I also sent a pic of the three of us at her baptism (which they did attend), but it just went to the drawer. I'm not saying it's on purpose, but...

 

I didn't sent them pictures so that they would frame them and replace her pictures with ours. But I notice they're nowhere to be seen.

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blueeyesblue
But you're not fine with it, because you're objecting to the very things they do as part of "loving her and remembering".

 

blueeyesblue, sounds like you have a great relationship with your husband-to-be. So why does this one issue bother you so much?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

What I'm not fine with is posting a picture of them or their wedding, which was 10 years ago, or a picture of her grave (this to be is horrid). It's been 7 years and they do it very often, to this day, when he has obviously moved on and is with someone else. Yes, we do have a great relationship, me and my husband to be. Guess this obsession of his family with her really got to me and I needed to vent. :(

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blueeyesblue
His relatives got tattoos of her name? That alone seems completely nuts to me. I don't think you'll ever win with these folks, but stick to your guns and make sure your husband-to-be backs you up. Do you have family or friends who can help play interference, or at least communicate your side of things?

 

Yep. They have tattoos of her name (his sister does, his cousin does), his sister named her daughter after her...it's like she's everywhere. They post the tattoos, they post quotes that go like "my guardian angel is better than yours", "my sister from another mister", along with pictures of her grave, God, I think this is awful. How can they not think that he's going to see it and might get hurt? How can they not see that this is something that should be kept private?

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Well it does sound like they have an unnatural attachment to her that goes beyond keeping a loved one's memory alive. Unfortunately it sounds like there's not much you can do about it.

 

I find it very bizarre to have multiple pictures of a dead daughter-in-law out on display while a grandchild's pictures are stashed away somewhere.

 

It sounds like this is one of those things you are going to have to learn to navigate around. Hopefully the understandable resentment you feel won't affect your relationship with your fiance. That would be my worry.

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Did they have kids together? If so, of course, they're going to show the kids they still remember their mom. They're certainly not going to totally ignore the anniversaries if the kids are looking on. It would be thoughtless, and the kids' feeling are more important than yours, frankly.

 

If there were no kids, then they could be more sensitive to your feelings, but sounds like she was family to them, so you're just going to have to deal with it.

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BettyDraper

While I understand the pain of losing a young loved one in a tragic manner, I feel that your in-laws displays of grief are over the top. They also seem disrespectful because they bring up their deceased in-law's wedding and put a picture of your fiance and his late wife in the room that you're sleeping in. They are sending subtle messages that you will never be as good as your fiance's late wife. That's awful.

 

You can always unfollow them on Facebook if you don't want to see what they post; unfortunately you cannot control what others put on their social media.

 

I'm glad that your fiance understands how you feel. However, he should stand up for you regardless of the reaction he might receive.

Some of your future in-law's behavior is rude.

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I find it very bizarre to have multiple pictures of a dead daughter-in-law out on display while a grandchild's pictures are stashed away somewhere.

I guess they just don't see the relationship their son/brother/cousin has with the OP as "legit". The child is thus not in their eyes a "real" grand child.

 

Did the dead DIL have any children?

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They are sending subtle messages that you will never be as good as your fiance's late wife.

 

Subtle?????

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amaysngrace

That grave thing is bizarre. My sister and I planted flowers at our mom’s site and it looked gorgeous but neither one of us whipped out our phones to get pictures.

 

No offense OP but they sound like trailer trash.

 

I’m surprised they don’t have pictures up from the funeral. :sick:

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Lotsgoingon
I suppose I could, but I don't think she'd get it. I don't think I could do it without coming across as jealous or insensitive.

 

Forget about this ... this is depressive, self-demoralizing thinking.

 

Yes, I could ask for a chocolate ice cream cone and the person in the ice cream store could think I'm greedy and a glutton. I could tell a woman I really like her, and she might think I'm desperate.

 

So what?

 

The point of communicating is to try to establish a line of connection. Communication isn't one moment. You try your best, so what if they think you're insensitive? They're already treating you like dirt! It can't get any worse. Even if they think you insensitive, they might back off and treat you with more respect.

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