Unemployed husband

[Rosebleu]

Hello everyone,

Im writing because I need advice.

My husband and I have relocated to my hometown with our 2 year old child. Prior to this we lived in Europe (closer to his country but not in his country) in a very expensive city. Though we were happy, he had a stable engineering job and I had a management job there, it was just too expensive of a city, we discovered our son has hemophilia (I discovered Im a carrier) and my husband had gambled away 30,000€. (My in laws helped us repay the debt). We resolved the issues I took care of finances from there on and monitored his spending (not because I wanted to) and he stopped gambling.

 

Due to this excruciatingly difficult time and in an effort to start a fresh life- A year later to the dismay of his parents who love their grandchild, we decided to move cross atlantic to my hometown. I was offered a job double the salary and my parents had an apartment they were renting that they offered for us to stay in (paying rent but at a lower rate).

 

All has been fine but my husband has not found a job. Engineers here need to have experience with a certain form of reactor (nuclear) and though he had been an engineer for ten years his experience is not necessarily being recognized.

He has had only one interview since moving here (he came in november)

He spends days and nights on the computer reading about tony robbins or how people went from nothing to being rich. It takes him days to update or change his resume and I am a really fast working, impatient person so I cannot watch this. He is very detail oriented so I understand why he takes such a long time to do things but I dont think anything will happen for him at this pace.

He doesnt seem to be "fighting" for work and seems to be easy going about it because Im working, rent is cheap so according to him we are "not desperate".

But I am. Im exhausted at work and stressed knowing im the only bread winner here.

I wake up every day, get myself and my son ready and lately my son has been having tantrums when he and I are alone so sometimes I feel like Im about to have a breakdown.

 

I have money put away for retirement so ive offered to use that money towards an MBA for him. A few years ago he wanted to get one and he is extremely bright so i think its a good idea as it will expand his career horizons and give him an opportunity to do something else. He refuses. Yelling at me that i want a quick fix and everyone is so young in MBA courses (hes 35).

 

There is a town 2 hrs by car from where we live that is lookig for nuclear engineers so last night he was very down about everything and so i told him to go to get his foot in the door but he said leave me alone give him time to decide what to do..

Yet he complains that he isnt doing anything!

 

I dont know what to do. His father called him yesterday saying how disappointed he is that he hasnt found a job and i want to tell my in laws why but they are essentially furious w me and blame me that he has moved away. His brothers are also older than him and successful so i feel like calling them so maybe theyd get through to him but idk about involving others. Let me just note I do NOT nag him about finding a job at all. In the beginning like december I made comments like why is it taking you 5 days to rewrite a resume. And he got so mad at me. I could tell.maybe he needed a break from working, so I laid off.

I just see him on the computer day and night. His.morning routine lasts like 1.5 hours from barely being able to.wake up to his lemon drink..the bathroom.. breakfast.. like to me this is not efficiency.

 

I have even told him.id happily go back to europe if he wants and he gets mad at me for that too!

Please let me note also he has been at the same job from graduation until last year so he has never really searched for jobs before.

 

Im at a loss of what to do.

Im thinking of getting him a career coach but for obvious reasons (money) i am refraining.

 

I am not in any way a gold digger but I do appreciate a traditional man who would do anything to provide for his family. Also we wanted another child and at this rate it seems unlikely itll happen!

 

Sigh..please help give me advice.

Thanks in advance.

Edited May 22, 2019 by Rosebleu

[d0nnivain]

You uprooted him to another country & neither of you thought about how he'd get work. He's been kicked in the teeth repeatedly & had his manhood decimated because he can't find a job. A man's self esteem is tied heavily to what he does for work & the size of his paycheck. Be sensitive to that.

 

Now you are pushing him to go 2 hours away to get a job. That prospect is daunting because his self esteem is non-existent right now. The fact that he's reading Tony Robbins is a positive sign. He's doing something to find his way back.

 

Being encouraging is wonderful but part of this has to be at his pace. If he got the job 2 hours away would you be able to move closer so his commute wasn't as terrible, even if it increased yours?

 

Is he attending local Gamblers Anonymous meetings? Having to be bailed out by his parents, living off your parents in the subsidized apartment & having you be the sole breadwinner have to be demoralizing & that may be making him crave the excitement from the gambling.

[Rosebleu]

He was gambling as a quick fix to our financial state. It wasnt thrilling because things were being handed to him

Also I have applied for a job near his location 2 hrs away and have an interview so I would gladly go with him.

Im doing whatever i can. I did not uproot him Id have stayed in europe but with our situation it seemed very difficult. He was unhappy and wanted to start over here for opportunity. We were.both told there was ample opp for him since he is multilingual.

[d0nnivain]

Then just keep plugging away. Is he treating the search for a new job as a FT job? Talk to him about that but make sure you still make him feel like a man, if you know what I mean.

[thefooloftheyear]

I'll never understand why people just wait around hoping to find the job in their specific field and do nothing(work) unless that job comes along...I dunno, me? I would be out there driving a delivery truck or whatever, even if part time, until the job I wanted became available..

 

If both work, who watches the kid, though?

 

TFY

[Rosebleu]

Thank you! Im the same!!

He goes to daycare near my work he is almost 3 yo.

[littleblackheart]

The first few months after a big move are the hardest; you all (the 3 of you) need to readjust to a different life. It can be very stressful, especially if, like him, you have lost all your bearings.

 

It's still only been 6 months. I know it sounds like a lot but in the scheme if things, it's really not.

 

Did you already have a job on arrival?

 

Regardless, it may be a case of showing a bit more patience and hoping he can find a way to train in nuclear engineering or just to feel more settled in himself.

[d0nnivain]

What is it that you want from him? His background is in nuclear engineering. Do you really expect him to take a minimum wage job just to have employment? I suspect the issue is not his qualifications or experience (10 years should be enough) but his nationality. What is his immigration status? Depending on the country you are from there maybe a bias or security issues in that highly regulated field.

[Redhead14]

I wake up every day, get myself and my son ready a

 

You need to get him to participate fully with everything else if he isn't working or seriously searching for a job. The least he can do is get your son ready so that you can focus on you for a little bit in the morning. There is no reason he can't get the child dressed and fed and ready to go to daycare!!!! And, I don't care if it's close to your job, he can drive the kid to school too. In fact, I don't know why the child is in daycare if his father is home. If the child is acting up too much in the morning, either don't send him to school or let Dad finish the process and take him to school later. You need to let him know how this is weighing on you before you do have a real meltdown. You aren't doing anyone any favors by pushing yourself like this.

 

When he doesn't have interviews, he should be cooking dinner, doing the laundry, shopping etc.

 

If nothing else, he should be taking any job he can get, even if it's at burger king while he is searching for his preferred position. That money can be put away also for the future, college, etc.

 

This needs to be a team effort. If he refuses to be more active in the running the home and/or more active in a job search, I'd leave him.

[littleblackheart]

You need to get him to .....

 

I agree with your post but I'd be wary of the delivery. I wouldn't get him to do anything, personally. Unless it comes from him, it'll be done grudgingly and will create resentment. Adding pressure to stress is not ideal.

[Rosebleu]

What is it that you want from him? His background is in nuclear engineering. Do you really expect him to take a minimum wage job just to have employment? I suspect the issue is not his qualifications or experience (10 years should be enough) but his nationality. What is his immigration status? Depending on the country you are from there maybe a bias or security issues in that highly regulated field.

 

He has permanent residency here and there are plenty of people from France working in his field here (France is where we were)

I think any work experience can be valuable but of course I understand it would be difficult to do anything else.

[Rosebleu]

You need to get him to participate fully with everything else if he isn't working or seriously searching for a job. The least he can do is get your son ready so that you can focus on you for a little bit in the morning. There is no reason he can't get the child dressed and fed and ready to go to daycare!!!! And, I don't care if it's close to your job, he can drive the kid to school too. In fact, I don't know why the child is in daycare if his father is home. If the child is acting up too much in the morning, either don't send him to school or let Dad finish the process and take him to school later. You need to let him know how this is weighing on you before you do have a real meltdown. You aren't doing anyone any favors by pushing yourself like this.

 

When he doesn't have interviews, he should be cooking dinner, doing the laundry, shopping etc.

 

If nothing else, he should be taking any job he can get, even if it's at burger king while he is searching for his preferred position. That money can be put away also for the future, college, etc.

 

This needs to be a team effort. If he refuses to be more active in the running the home and/or more active in a job search, I'd leave him.

It isnt like he isnt helping. He does but its true I do the big grocery shopping and pick and drop off our son. Our son is extremely active and so daycare is great for him but we only have one car so I need to be the one that takes him.

I agree any money is good :S

[Redhead14]

It isnt like he isnt helping. He does but its true I do the big grocery shopping and pick and drop off our son. Our son is extremely active and so daycare is great for him but we only have one car so I need to be the one that takes him.

I agree any money is good :S

 

 

He can drive you to work and the kid to school and then go searching for a job and grocery shopping and, and, and . . .

[thefooloftheyear]

I don't know where in the US you guys are but labor is so tight right now, that there is a fair amount of money to be made in a lot of jobs that require little to no experience in that particular field..

 

I'm sorry, but it doesn't speak well of his capabilities as a man...This thinking that work is somehow "beneath" him is crazy...I technically never need to work another day in my life and haven't had to for a while, but if I had to, I would think nothing of picking up a shovel or broom and making a dollar if faced with that prospect....He should be even more humble about this, knowing his history of blowing a pile of money on gambling debt, to the point where he had to be bailed out by family members...

 

He has a kid, he should have the impetus to get off his ass...Eventually the right job will come along, and he could even tell the place he works of his plan and most would be fine with him taking time off to go on interviews or take kid to Dr or whatever...If this isn't what he wants to do, then I am with Red here, he should be a proper SAHD and do all of what that entails..

 

TFY

[Rosebleu]

I don't know where in the US you guys are but labor is so tight right now, that there is a fair amount of money to be made in a lot of jobs that require little to no experience in that particular field..

 

I'm sorry, but it doesn't speak well of his capabilities as a man...This thinking that work is somehow "beneath" him is crazy...I technically never need to work another day in my life and haven't had to for a while, but if I had to, I would think nothing of picking up a shovel or broom and making a dollar if faced with that prospect....He should be even more humble about this, knowing his history of blowing a pile of money on gambling debt, to the point where he had to be bailed out by family members...

 

He has a kid, he should have the impetus to get off his ass...Eventually the right job will come along, and he could even tell the place he works of his plan and most would be fine with him taking time off to go on interviews or take kid to Dr or whatever...If this isn't what he wants to do, then I am with Red here, he should be a proper SAHD and do all of what that entails..

 

TFY

 

Thats what I mean. I know it is difficult moving countries and English is not his first language though he is fluent but I feel like getting himself out there just to meet people and be outside will be best for him. I know hes an engineer and there is a certain bit of pride but you always learn something from what you do.

He even is hesitant on applying for a job like that. He feels like when u apply u automatically have the job. I just cant understand it. If it were me Id be out there doing whatever I could.

[Redhead14]

If it were me Id be out there doing whatever I could.

 

Indirectly, it is you, and you are doing whatever you can. Require that of him. What he does (or isn't doing) affects YOUR life and your CHILD's life. That child is likely acting up because he senses all the tension and stress in his mother.

 

If your husband is not an active part of the solution, he is just another problem.

[JuneL]

Perhaps he can do some part-time Uber gigs while looking for a job? He can then drive you and your kiddo to and from work/daycare.

[thefooloftheyear]

t but I feel like getting himself out there just to meet people and be outside will be best for him. I know hes an engineer and there is a certain bit of pride but you always learn something from what you do.

.

 

 

 

I took me a while to realize this fact, and this is not something they generally teach at universities. etc..

 

Most of what happens in people's lives, either personally or professionally, often is directly tied to how you network yourself..its the old "its not what you know, but who you know" scenario...I am generally horrible at this, as I tend to like being by myself as opposed to interacting with others but I force myself to go outside of my comfort zone because I realize it's vital..

 

Just getting out and interacting with others, even in a totally unrelated field can often open doors for people..I am wondering though, if maybe he is suffering some kind of depression..?? That may explain a lot of whats going on and he may have to address that in order to get on the right path..

 

I wish you well..

 

TFY

[d0nnivain]

I agree. Get him signed up for a conference or two where he can network.

[Foxhall]

I read some article that says employment in nuclear engineering will be growing rapidly in the next five years,

 

 

perhaps some career advice how to best position himself for these opportunities that will come up.

 

 

Could he work remotely as an advisor/consultant for a European based employer?

 

 

In the meantime could he generate some income by offering French lessons to people?

 

 

by the way the mind of a gambler is an active one, they need to be occupied/stimulated,

[preraph]

I have a feeling he could at least be interning to learn the specific engineering while he's doing nothing anyway and then he'd know how. Or he could take any old job to help out.

[spiderowl]

So he gambled away a lot of money and he (and you) had to borrow from parents. That must have been really hard for you. Now you have moved elsewhere to get him away from bad influences and the gambling issue and he is not able to get a job. You are practically doing everything yourself. I know you want this relationship to work but things sound pretty ropey to me.

 

I would have dumped my husband if he'd gambled away that kind of money. Leaving you to earn the money is unfair of him. Yes he would face issues in another country with different requirements where he is not known by people in the industry. That could make it difficult for him. The problem is this could go on for a long time. You are already feeling the stress. Believe me, I've been there. A guy who comes to rely on you to provide an income and bail him out if there is a money issue, is not one you want to keep around.

 

Sorry to sound harsh but your feelings matter too!

[snowcones]

Male slackers exist. Even educated ones. They usually find a cooperative woman to live up under. You are not a cooperative woman, so you'll probably split up eventually.

 

If he's watching Tony Robbins, it's most likely that he doesn't want to go back to a regular job. He also sounds depressed.

Edited May 25, 2019 by snowcones

[snowcones]

Perhaps he can do some part-time Uber gigs while looking for a job? He can then drive you and your kiddo to and from work/daycare.

 

 

I was gonna say this. Recently while on an Uber ride I met a PhD data scientist who was my driver. He said he was driving full-time for Uber because he didn't want to go back to previous work and he liked driving Uber just fine for now. He had been doing it for 2 years and it paid his bills. I would guess that he is in a state of still trying to figure things out and come up with something else to do, which could take a while to figure out a new satisfactory plan. It helps to speed that process up when you have bills to pay and responsbilities to tend to, but when you have someone else paying your bills (spouse, mom&dad, etc), you might take your sweet time.

[Dandelioness]

It sounds like there were problems before you moved and if it wasn't dealt with, it'll follow you wherever you go. I don't think moving away was the solution.

 

I'm also wondering, did you both do any employment research before uprooting your family? I find it odd neither of you knew he didn't have the desired qualifications prior to this big move. You have a young child with you.