No drive for a sex life plus more

[LoveEK]

I have been struggling the past little while with my husband and his drive toward having a good sex life. Sex wise it has been ok, we typically do it once a week maybe twice which I've gotten used to. If that's how he is then I will accept it. I have been trying to get him to open up in other ways as well.... little things but in the past 5 years I've been with him I can count on one hand how many times we've showered together, he would rather have the lights off when were making love in bed and I attempted to try to get him to go into a sex store with me but he seemed very uninterested.

 

Our sex life has pretty much always been the same. We were in a long distance relationship when we started dating so I didn't notice his lack of drive as we went a week or two weeks without seeing each other. He was still very sexually forward at the beginning up until about 6 - 9 months into our relationship. He would constantly tell me how sexy I was, that he couldn't wait to "be" with me when he saw me, we would sext in a sense while we were apart. Now when I bring up anything sex related he will giggle it off or change the subject without adding anything in, he will put it off and he has rejected me many times.

 

For the longest time, I felt as though he hasn't been all that interested in me or that I don't turn him on anymore, he has a physically demanding job but so do lots of other men in this world. I've made a suggestion to go to the doctor to make sure everything is okay. He has said for a while now he would but he still hasn't. I'm at the point now where I feel like I have to tippy toe around our sex life because the feeling of rejection, his lack of wanting to try new things or not being good enough, blows.

 

The thing that has made things a lot more difficult now is I've caught Tinder on his phone now on 3 separate occasions. The first time, when we first started dating so I had just assumed that he just hadn't deleted it yet. The second was about 9 months ago. This was about a month after he had gotten a new phone. The app was placed in a very random folder. He claims that it downloaded back onto his new phone. That time, I did go on the app to see if there was any activity which there wasn't of course but the whole thing seemed fishy. However, I did let it go. Then recently, I was on our desktop computer doing some work and a notification popped up saying "Tinder; verify email address". This was the same night he had gone out of town for a week. He says he has no idea where the email came from but I did download the app myself which showed me that to get that email he would of had to go to the settings and send it to himself. Again, innocent until proven guilty.

 

I love this man very much. There are some amazing sides to him but I am worried that there is more going on that I have no clue about. I want our marriage to work, I want to better our sex life and I want us to be happy.

 

Any opinions or advise would be appreciated but try not to be ignorant about it please.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Assuming you are a woman, could he have an interest in men perhaps?

[LoveEK]

Assuming you are a woman, could he have an interest in men perhaps?

 

Not in the slightest. I've caught him watching porn before and it's the least gay porn I've seen.

[BaileyB]

Can I ask how long you’ve been married and if you have any children?

 

Innocent until proven guilty, sure. But if I find the tinder app hidden in a random folder on my husbands phone on three separate occasions, I have to wonder if my response would be pack your bags now and ask questions later...

 

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

For the longest time, I felt as though he hasn't been all that interested in me or that I don't turn him on anymore

 

It does certainly seem that way . I mean, I'd say maybe he has problems with sex drive in general, but if he's on Tinder.....it may be you he has lost feelings for .

[LoveEK]

Can I ask how long you’ve been married and if you have any children?

 

Innocent until proven guilty, sure. But if I find the tinder app hidden in a random folder on my husbands phone on three separate occasions, I have to wonder if my response would be pack your bags now and ask questions later...

 

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

We've been married a year, together for almost 5 and we had one child which is mine from a previous relationship.

 

He didn't have the Tinder hidden the first time it was just with his other apps, and the third time I didnt physically see the app on his phone but why would get that email.

[BaileyB]

Have you seen any other suspicious behaviour - have you looked at phone records, does he keep close watch or hide his phone from you, or is he where he says he will be when he says he is going to be there...

[LoveEK]

Have you seen any other suspicious behaviour - have you looked at phone records, does he keep close watch or hide his phone from you, or is he where he says he will be when he says he is going to be there...

 

I'm not really sure how to check phone records. There has been a couple times in the last few years where he been a little suspicious. There was one time I'll never forget a few years back we were at our friends house. He randomly said he needed to somewhere and would be right back. When he got back I ask him where he went and he said his boss called him to do something quickly. He left his phone unattended and there was no call from his boss. Part of me thinks he could be a very very good liar so I haven't caught much suspicious behavior. He is in the bathroom for long long periods of time, like 30 to 45 minutes sometimes and often multiple times a night. I've also heard him before just standing in the bathroom on his phone for long periods of time before he goes to shower or use the toilet.

 

The thing with the him losing interest thing is I've asked him many times if that's the case and he said if he wasn't he would be straight up with me because he hates it when people aren't straight up or they beat around the bush.

[BaileyB]

Do you think he is actually on the phone with someone when he is in the bathroom or is it possible that he has a porn habit?

 

The thing with the him losing interest thing is I've asked him many times if that's the case and he said if he wasn't he would be straight up with me because he hates it when people aren't straight up or they beat around the bush.

 

Well, that doesn’t seem to be true, does it. I mean, he’s not exactly being straight up when he is hiding in the bathroom with his phone for long period of time, several times a night... who does that?

Edited May 15, 2019 by BaileyB

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Do you think he is actually on the phone with someone when he is in the bathroom or is it possible that he has a porn habit?

 

Or a drug habit?

 

Regarding checking phone records..... Do you share a phone plan? All you have to do is sign up for online billing or whatever (create a user name and password if you have your account number), and you can view all incoming and outcoming phone calls and texts (numbers only, not the actual content) for all phone numbers registered to the account.

[Mr. Lucky]

The thing that has made things a lot more difficult now is I've caught Tinder on his phone now on 3 separate occasions.

 

He is in the bathroom for long long periods of time, like 30 to 45 minutes sometimes and often multiple times a night.

 

30 to 45 minutes - multiple times a night? In the bathroom? Don't know it there's a fire, but that's certainly a lot of smoke.

 

Time to go into sleuth mode. I'd put a voice activated recorder (you can buy them online) in his car. There's questions here and I don't think, with a child involved, you can afford to be without answers...

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

Your husband started doing all this sneaking around with his phone way back in October. Did you follow the advice to start probing to find out what's going on?

[elaine567]

Time to go into sleuth mode. I'd put a voice activated recorder (you can buy them online) in his car.

Or in the bathroom...

[mark clemson]

You need to dig. All of this adds up to something weird. Possibly he's just addicted or too into porn and/or masturbation. Tinder would actually kind of fit into that too, unfortunately.

 

I will say that if it's something other than a medical issue it's totally a shame to see a woman such as you who is big on sex go to waste.

[imsosad]

Is he very good at lying, or areyou very good at believing?

I can not think of any reason Tinder would send a verification mail, unless he was trying to sign in to his account. I doubt they send out randon verification requests.

Spending hours in the bathroom has one very plausible explaination: he's doing something (texting, porn,gambling) that he can't do around you.

You sound a little in denial. Don't ignore your gut, it's better to know what's going on than walking around with a constant sense of dread.

[snowcones]

Look at his profile. Does it say he’s single?

[loversquarrel]

I still get junk mail from match and I haven't been a member for years. I wasn't even a member for more than a week or two. I'd be more suspicious of the bathroom time with the phone. I'd check text history and browser history if you can. You still have sex once or twice a week? I would tend to think if it was a porn addiction he would be more into trying out new stuff with you. I think he's texting someone though.

[spiderowl]

I'd guess that something you would not countenance is what turns him on, maybe something weird or even violent. It is probably something he would not dare to ask you to do.

 

Do you share a computer? I would be tempted to look at his browsing history. If he is spending all that time in the bathroom on his phone though, then the phone has the answer.

 

Has he got any favourite films or books that you do not like? Has he ever talked about people doing things sexually that are unacceptable to you - perhaps sounding you out?

 

Just wondered.

[preraph]

He was looking at Tinder while he was out of town, assuming he really was out of town. The app didn't recognize his computer; hence, the email. So he's on it, definitely. He's still shopping.

[Mr. Lucky]

OP, I think the "plus more" in your title is more relevant than any of your relationship issues. He's definitely doing something he prefers to keep from you, and you're at a standstill until you understand why.

 

That should be your focus...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Destiny Couple]

I'll get straight to the point.

 

May I please ask if he is looking to spend time alone at home more often than before?

 

Or, has he indicated that he is not interested in sex because he says he is tired or not in the mood?

 

Looking at your thread, a couple of things stand out. He has lost his sex drive and now it seems that he seems shy about his sex drive.

 

I am wondering if there could be a porn addiction going on here. I know of people that share similar stories and porn addiction was the catalyst to the drop in sex drive and acting all weird about having sex.

 

Porn is a dangerous thing to a relationship and may indicate some vulnerabilities or issues in your husband's life and he wanting an escape. Porn acts like an escape but the affect is far reaching and destructive since it inhibits sex drive, leads to further physical intimacy issues and even affairs.

 

The other thing I would like to ask is if you have talked about this and what has his response been?

 

There may be some change in his life that is requiring him to have a release; it may be just the job. But would love to hear your feedback on this.

[Cyndyrr327]

When u are able I would put the ‘find your friends ‘ app on his phone is a folder where he won’t notice. How old is he? If over 45 and you are having sex 1-2x a week I doubt he’s cheating but he does seem to be hiding something that he feels u wouldn’t be on board with.