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Staying for Kids


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Millisent

Anyone else in the position of staying in a marriage for your kids? I've been married 15 years and my husband is a good man and a good father. I am mostly a stay at home mom, and would not be able to support my children or myself if I left. My plan is to leave once our youngest finishes high school, which will be in 8 years. My husband is aware of this plan, does not want to divorce, but has not really made any efforts to improve our marriage. At this point I really don't see how there is anything he can do. My problem is that I am so lonely. I don't feel I can tell anyone that my marriage is over because I'll either be advised to leave or it will make things awkward when people are around us as a couple. Plus my husband is very private and I feel it's a betrayal of that to discuss our personal business with my friends or family. I've discussed it with him ad nauseam, the discussions lead nowhere. Some days I think I can handle it, other days I feel like 8 years is a LONG time to live without affection and having to keep up appearances. I guess I'm just looking to see how other people handle it.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Is there a reason you can't work to support yourself so you can divorce sooner?

 

Have you two tried marriage counseling?

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somanymistakes

If you're miserable, then staying for the kids will not help them so much as it will give them MASSIVE guilt complexes.

 

Nobody wants to hear "My mom made herself suffer and it was all MY fault"

 

This can build up a lot of resentment.

 

It's one thing if your marriage is just kinda "eh" but not so bad. If you're actively unhappy and lonely, trying to drag this thing out for years and years will make everyone bitter and nasty, and set a bad example for your kids in the future.

 

Depending on where you live, if you've been a stay-at-home mom married for fifteen years, your husband will likely be required to help support you temporarily if you divorce so that you can get back on your feet, not to mention child support. Improving your own income can help as well, of course. Your kids aren't super-young anymore so they don't need you to look after them 24/7.

 

Also, I would strongly advise making some contacts outside of the home. Friends, hobbies, social circles. This will help with the loneliness and potentially give you a better network to draw on to change your life in the future.

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Millisent

We have not been to counseling, it has been discussed and no one pulls the trigger (probably passive aggressive on my part). My staying is not only about supporting myself and the kids. We live in an expensive suburb and we would have to move, my son could handle that, but my daughter has issues that would make this move detrimental to her. I also stay because my parents are elderly, and I know that they are comforted by the belief that my life is in good shape. This is not a light decision on my part, I've done research and I believe that we get along well enough and are good co parents and that there would be more damage in divorce than in us staying. I've known for going on three years that the marriage is over, but I always left the door open for somehow reconnecting as a couple. That hope is slowly dwindling and I just need to find some way to cope in the meantime. I have plenty of friends and an active social life, but no one that I would be willing to discuss my marriage with.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

I suggest "pulling the trigger" on marriage counseling. There's no abuse, addiction, infidelity, etc. here so I think it's possible you guys can reconnect! It is worth a try, isn't it?

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Happy Lemming
...my husband is a good man and a good father.

 

 

My problem is that I am so lonely.

 

So your husband is a good man and a good father, but yet you want to leave him because you are lonely... Sounds like a "you" problem and not your husband's problem. He goes to work everyday to earn a living for the family, while you stay home and yet you want to leave him, because you are lonely. Moreover you dump your issues at his feet "ad nauseam" and expect him to fix it, along with going to work everyday.

 

Why haven't you worked on fixing your loneliness?? Join a book club?? Make some friends with similar hobbies?? Volunteer work??

 

Divorcing and leaving your husband will not fix the fact you are lonely, it will only destroy the family dynamic. If anything, you may become more lonely and shut in after a potential divorce.

 

Life isn't "Rainbows and Unicorns" every day, you have to make your own happiness and find joy in the small things that life brings you.

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Millisent

I don't want to leave him because I'm lonely, I want to leave him because the marriage is over and I want us both to be happy. I've gone so far as to tell him that if he wants to have an affair he has my support because I want him to find joy in life. I have plenty of friends, I work part time while the kids are in school because we made the joint decision that what is best for the kids is for me to be here for them. All I'm looking for is anyone else in a similar situation and how they cope.

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Staying is your choice. You certainly have your reasons to stay.

 

If it was me, I would be focused on building a career, start saving money, and make a plan for how I will support myself and my children as a single person. Your children are older now, there is not the same need to be home. If/when you do divorce, you will need a good source of income. I wouldn’t want to have to rely on my ex-husband to continue to support me financially for the rest of my life.

 

I would cope by planning for my future.

Edited by BaileyB
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mark clemson

I guess what's missing here is - what's so wrong that the marriage must be over? Personalities too different? Arguing constantly? Zero shared interests?

 

I'm not at all saying you're wrong to want to leave - it's just as external observers it's hard to give input on the decision to stay without you giving any real info on what's driving the need to leave.

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Millisent

Our personalities being very different is definitely one factor. We also haven't had sex in well over a year, which I used to think was the main problem but now I see it as more a symptom of the larger issue of incompatibility. My husband cannot be happy, but I also think he's okay with basically being room mates since it's the easier path. Like I've said, I'm not looking for advice about whether I should stay or go, I am staying because it's what is best for my children. I'm just looking to see if others are in a similar situation and how they've coped.

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When I was married I thought long and hard about getting a divorce. I knew I wasn't happy but I couldn't do it to the kids. Couldn't do it to my then wife. We did counseling and counselors told us we were fine. Good even. But I wasn't happy. I made pro/con lists. Decision trees. Looked at alternative forms of marriage (e.g. open). Agonized over the decision on and on and ultimately decided to just suck it up and stay in the marriage. Oddly enough, 24 hours after I had made up my mind my then wife asked me for a divorce. We went through with it and it was absolutely the right thing to do. For me. For her. And definitely for our daughters. She's still one of my best friends and I can say without a doubt that we are much better parents now than we were before.

 

Hey another thing. Consider reading this book: Marriage Confidential: Love in the Post-Romantic Age, by Pamela Haag

 

I found it to be really helpful.

 

Best of luck.

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Hi!

 

Many many many other women and men are in your same position.

 

I feel your pain. Financially supporting two households while the kids are still at home is very hard. This is why so many marriages end once the kids go to college. Know that you are not alone in this.

 

Hope this helps my friend.

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Crazelnut

Build a career over the next couple of years, so you can leave (if you must) and support yourself and the kids. You're the one who wants to divorce, not him. The burden is on you. I'm not really sure what advice you're looking for. Permission to be miserable? Okay, go ahead.

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When I was married I thought long and hard about getting a divorce. Agonized over the decision on and on and ultimately decided to just suck it up and stay in the marriage. Oddly enough, 24 hours after I had made up my mind my then wife asked me for a divorce. We went through with it and it was absolutely the right thing to do. For me. For her. And definitely for our daughters. She's still one of my best friends and I can say without a doubt that we are much better parents now than we were before.

 

I have to say, I think this is insightful.

 

Unhappy homes generally make for unhappy children. You may think that your home is happy - and perhaps it generally is - but kids are insightful and they know when their parents are unhappy. I genuinely believe that children want their parents to be happy. I also don’t believe that they ever want to be the cause of their parents unhappiness...

 

I’m sure, there are lots of things to consider and it sounds like you have considered them all. I’m not going to say that you are wrong for wanting to stay because only you have the full picture. Still, I feel like sometimes we convince ourselves that something is for the best, when really... things would be ok if it happened differently. It may even be better.

 

Best wishes.

 

.

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If you decision is to stay, then why not attempt to make it a happier marriage?

 

I suspect your husband resents you for some reason, maybe he feels trapped, didn't want to marry or something he blames you for. Many times resentment is misdirected or a result of poor communication. Seeing someone could really help, someone who could meditate.

 

As long as a third party isnt involved the marriage can be improved, maybe not to a great marriage but one where both can be content.

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amaysngrace

“Children would rather be from a broken home than live in one.” - Dr. Phil McGraw

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So let me just understand it ,

 

He is a good person , he doesn't abuse you , he is taking full financial responsibility of the family , yet if you had money you would have divorced him .

But you opted to stay to suck happiness from his heart , money from his account , once you no longer need him you will just leave !

 

 

Well unfortunately yes a lot of families are into this too , and reason is greed and selfishness.

 

i am not surprised I have red stories about wives being even betrayed but wife stay because of money ....

 

To tell you the truth , If i was a female in that position , I would prefer to practice the oldest Job in human nature rather than staying ...

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mark clemson

OP, thanks for responding. From what you wrote it sounds like incompatible personalities. Agree that would be tough to try to fix.

 

While I'm not sure about the cause of the issues, I agree with DKT3 in the sense that, if you're determined to stay for 8 more years, it would make sense to try to improve things as best you can over that time. This is simply to make the best of it for everyone, not necessarily to reach reconciliation. 8 years is a LONG time - how you can make them bearable for both you and H? The happier you both are the better it will be for the kids, I think.

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I have to say, I think this is insightful.

 

Unhappy homes generally make for unhappy children. You may think that your home is happy - and perhaps it generally is - but kids are insightful and they know when their parents are unhappy. I genuinely believe that children want their parents to be happy. I also don’t believe that they ever want to be the cause of their parents unhappiness...

.

 

Thanks for saying this. Actually to reminds me of something else to consider OP - children learn through modeling and mimicry. Often it is the parents that hold the most weight in terms of who they mimic. Consider that right now you and your husband are modeling a loveless and sad marriage to your children. Whether you like it or not, they are seeing this as the standard to which to aspire or at least accept for a marriage or relationship.

 

They have no other good frame of reference as to what a relationship should be. Do you want this marriage that you have currently and the resulting sadness it produces in you to be what they aspire to??

 

For me this never was a consideration until I got a divorce. But once I did and once my daughter's saw me around my girlfriend they commented how loving and affectionate we are. It was then I realized that when i was married I was well on my way to raising daughters who didn't know what a warm, romantic relationship was.

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Has one of you become more of a parent figure to the other? I ask because that is a relationship killer/sex killer.

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Consider that right now you and your husband are modeling a loveless and sad marriage to your children. Whether you like it or not, they are seeing this as the standard to which to aspire or at least accept for a marriage or relationship.

 

They have no other good frame of reference as to what a relationship should be. Do you want this marriage that you have currently and the resulting sadness it produces in you to be what they aspire to??

 

For me this never was a consideration until I got a divorce. But once I did and once my daughter's saw me around my girlfriend they commented how loving and affectionate we are. It was then I realized that when i was married I was well on my way to raising daughters who didn't know what a warm, romantic relationship was.

 

My boyfriend says the same thing. When we first started dating, he told me how excited he was that his son was going to have the opportunity to finally see him in a healthy relationship. He said his son had never seen this during his marriage. His comment made me really sad, and then really proud that we could model that for his son. We communicate well together, we help each other, we laugh and play together... his son is watching everything and learning about relationships from us. It’s important.

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If you’re as miserable as you seem, Meryl Streep wouldn’t be a good enough actress to cover it up. I think you’re fooling yourself on several levels...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Are you sure you are staying for the kids and not because you are too scared or unmotivated to just leave? Honestly, you are NOT helping your kids. BTDT. Being in an unloving relationship is horrible for them and will likely have lifelong effects on their relationships in the future. I feel sorry for them. Truly. I say all this from experience. Years of experience being in a similar relationship. Get a job. More than part time. Your kids need a healthy and happy mom and dad WAY more than a couple of hours of loose supervision (they are teenagers - it is not like they are infants and need you 24 hours a day).

 

People doing it 'for the kids' are fooling themselves. They usually do it because divorce / moving / making a living is hard and a scary proposition. Honestly, I don't believe it benefits your kids as much as harms them.

 

Fix it or break it. Limbo sucks. You are in limbo. Either fix your relationship or end it quickly. It will be better for you, your husband, and your kids. It is not your husbands job to 'make you happy'. That comes from within. I feel sorry for both your husband and your kids. Do something - anything - to change your situation.

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