Jump to content

I feel like my growing depression is causing me to neglect my marriage


Recommended Posts

TheRainbow

I have always been the one to do a number on my marriage with cheating, low self-esteem and in my opinion not pulling my way financially.

 

I've been dealing with postpartum depression, which is being treated with medication since December. My daughter was born three months premature. She recently spent a couple of days in the hospital from RSV. She is better, but her immune system is still not great.

 

I had plans to return to work in the next 2 to 3 weeks, but now that isn't going to happen. Her pediatrician recommended she avoid daycares until she is closer to a year because of she prone to being sick because of being premature. So I decided to postpone. The bad news is my position will no longer be available to me.

 

I love my daughter, and I love being a mother, but I feel isolated, miss working and I feel so low and depressed. I miss working and being around other people. It's depressing for a considerable part of my day; the only interaction I am getting is from persons under the age of two.

 

I find myself being short with my husband and haven't been wanting to be intimate. I cook, clean, take care of the kids. My husband and I do make an effort to spend some quality time. But I feel so guilty.

 

He has recommended maybe talking to the psychiatrist again. But I don't want to be medicated anymore. It's a quick fix, to an overall bigger problem. I have talked to my therapist, and she gave me some advice on how to cope, but with an upcoming move, to a new area, and this over growing sadness I feel we have booked an appointment at my urging with a marriage counsellor to discuss this.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry. I can see why you'd be depressed and feel isolated. I guess you are probably nursing and also don't want to be on meds because of that? Because if that isn't a factor, I would think it would be good to be on something to lift you up a little.

 

So I know you really can't return to work now for awhile longer and you will likely not get your job back, but maybe you will get some job when you go back or find another job. Until then, to give yourself a break, have you done some research to find a good babysitter that you could maybe have come in a few hours a couple of times a week to get you out of the house briefly at least?

 

I don't know how postpartum is normally treated, but if you still have it, I don't think you should be refusing treatment for it.

 

You are in a genuinely difficult time of life here. It's not imagined.

 

I don't know if you not wanting to be intimate is partly physical or all this depression and exhaustion. You certainly wouldn't be the first! But just realize this makes men feel very isolated too and angry as well. I hope you'll reconsider taking whatever meds are safe to take and also get yourself a babysitter for a little break. And you might start feeling more human and feel more like being with your husband as well. He can take care of the baby some too and let you get out of the house briefly and get some space or take a nap.

 

Hope things lighten soon.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
BettyDraper

Can you find a group for SAHMs in your area?

Even joining a Facebook group could be helpful.

I also love the babysitter idea.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
TheRainbow

I"m not breastfeeding. I switched to formula when she got home from the hospital. The thing is I'm not physically exhausted so much as I'd say emotionally exhausted. My husband helps out lots, and he is as supportive as he can be.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well being emotionally exhausted is still exhausting. I'm actually glad you're not breastfeeding because it gives you a little more freedom. just sounds like you may still have postpartum depression or some sort of depression. So try not to just be home isolated and get in a rut. Try to work in a quick shower when you can and dressed so that if there is something to get you out of the house even if you have to bring the baby, it will seem less of a chore if you're already showered and dressed.

 

Maybe take the baby and your husband and what's a rent a little cabin somewhere for the weekend or a nice hotel or whatever you're into. Don't just isolate yourself all the time. Make some new memories. do things that used to make you joyful and see if they don't lift you up a little.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
TheRainbow
Well being emotionally exhausted is still exhausting. I'm actually glad you're not breastfeeding because it gives you a little more freedom. just sounds like you may still have postpartum depression or some sort of depression. So try not to just be home isolated and get in a rut. Try to work in a quick shower when you can and dressed so that if there is something to get you out of the house even if you have to bring the baby, it will seem less of a chore if you're already showered and dressed.

 

Maybe take the baby and your husband and what's a rent a little cabin somewhere for the weekend or a nice hotel or whatever you're into. Don't just isolate yourself all the time. Make some new memories. do things that used to make you joyful and see if they don't lift you up a little.

 

I do take my one year old and almost five months old out. But I'm thinking of maybe picking up a hobby even once a week.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Rainbow, you have been through so much this year...

 

Just think about events in life that are considered to be the most stressful - infidelity and a separation/planning for a divorce and then reconciliation, moving and starting a new job, having a baby who was premature and spent months in hospital... When you consider all the major life stressors - you have them all with the exception of the death of a spouse or parent. And, you have dealt with this all while raising two other children including another infant. And, you have dealt with the stress of limiting custody from the other man and interfering/disapproving extended family.

 

Is there any wonder why you are depressed? Physically and hormonally, you haven’t recovered from the pregnancy yet. And physically and emotionally, I don’t know how you have dealt with his much stress. It’s more than any one person could ever manage - and yet, you soldier on.

 

It’s admirable how you have soldiered on with a determination that superwoman would desire to achieve, but at a certain point your body will say - enough.

 

I know you say that you have low self esteem, but if there is one thing that comes to mind when I read your posts these last few months, it’s that your problem may not lay with your low self esteem but rather with the very high expectations that you set for yourself. It is unattainable - for anyone. I want to tell you - give yourself a break. You are doing the best you can and your best, is good enough.

 

I know, you have said before how much you enjoy work and I’m sorry that you are not able to return to work as planned. But, that is only temporary. Try to find some mommy and me groups. Or join a gym that has free childcare. Or hire a nanny who can stay with your children to give you a break - or to let you work part time. There are options. And it will get better. Hugs.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
TheRainbow
Or hire a nanny who can stay with your children to give you a break - or to let you work part time. There are options. And it will get better. Hugs.

 

I have thought of a nanny. The cost unforunately is 20.00 an hour mininum and that would be the same if not more then what I'd be bringing in.

Link to post
Share on other sites
d0nnivain

You have so much going on. I am not a mom so forgive me if I get that stuff wrong.

 

It sounds like you going back to work out of the home is not an option in the short run. So now you have to contribute in other ways. Being a SAHM is no picnic. Knowing the cost of day care, let that at least be your benchmark that you are providing financially, because that is a cost your family is not bearing.

 

Do you have a routine? If not, start one. It will help with the depression too. Movement is key especially when you want to stay in bed & pull the covers over your head.

 

So write out a schedule. Include time to pamper your hubby by at least being up with him to make him breakfast if he'll eat it but put coffee in a thermos for his way out the door, make him lunch etc. This becomes important when looking at the budget you need to balance on one income.

 

Your "job" is the family & the home. Do a good job, like you were getting a pay check for it.

 

Do you have a budget? Where can you cut so you can save & fund a nest egg? Make saving money part of your job. As you watch your funds grow, hopefully that can become a source of pride.

 

Best wishes.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
TheRainbow

Thanks, everyone for the advice. I do have a routine for the most part. I do all my major cleaning in the morning, by mid-afternoon I'm sitting around watching television, going out for a walk with the girls, or wherever. I'm not overwhelmed in that aspect. I know others tell my husband that his needs because I'm the one who was the cheater should come first before mine in all cases. He doesn't act on it, because my wellbeing is important to him as he is important to me

 

I have started to eat better, and going for walks because in another post I mentioned how I was starting to feel inadequate and fat.

Edited by TheRainbow
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
Amethyst68

What about looking for avenues other than work that will give you that interaction with adults you need. Maybe volunteering at your local mother/toddler group, you'll at least get to know some other mothers.

 

Does your local library have story time for kids, things like that. I know they still revolve around your children but it gets you out of the house, you don't need to think about childcare and you are meeting and talking to other adults. Finding a gym with a creche is a fantastic idea too and a great way of getting a little me time.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Dandelioness

How about a part time evening or weekend job, just to get out of the house and meet new people? Yoga?

 

There's a Starbucks near my home and I visit enough times that I've developed several coffee buddies. There's always someone who approaches me, even for a quick minute chat. Maybe something similar in your neighborhood?

 

If you reconsider breastfeeding (you can pump at your convenience) it'll really help with strengthen your baby's immune system. It may shift the stress away from having a chronically sick child by working through the breastmilk supply schedule. Just an idea. I have a 3 month old and fully get the 'post-partum'. Hang in there.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...