A goal of marriage?

[Sunlight72]

Hi all.

 

So, since I was a teenager I've dreamed of being married.

 

Married at 21 - she didn't want to be married, but initially didn't want to lose me, so eventually she said yes and we married. Lasted 18 months, when she announced she realized she was a lesbian. I thought it was a phase (har, har) and we could work it out. har , har. I was young and believed in love above all. I couldn't believe she was serious. I admitted defeat and granted her a divorce 3 years later. Big country song.

 

Married at 30 - she gave me a tight deadline, so I thought she really wanted marriage. After almost 3 years she bailed, after refusing counseling, etc.

 

After this, I had a trainwreck relationship. Really bad. Then I put in 18 months of really dedicated, difficult effort into self-examination, self-improvement, and relationship skill building, and did much, much better in the future 2 long term relationships.

 

Looking back, I was quite lucky in that both divorces ended without children or any big monetary pain. I didn't think after the last divorce I would be willing to marry again, but...

 

Engaged until about 3 months ago - within weeks of dating, she said she wanted marriage and a child or two. I proposed 7 months in, and after considering for a month she said yes. At month 11 she realized marriage might actually happen, and didn't want to be part of a permanent commitment (or not to me), and she broke it off. I put a lot of effort & love into this, and really saw this as my future life in a challenging and good way. Probably tried 'too hard' to make it happen, but I'm not sure she ultimately really wants to be 1/2 of any marriage.

 

So I realize this section of Loveshack is mainly people who have real problems in marriage, and not any average cross-sample of marriage. I also realize I am still reeling from this broken engagement which was a whole-hearted effort on my part, so I expect a big part of my heart is still grasping for something lost there, and I don't have a rational picture of anything yet.

 

Considering all that though - I'm interested for perspectives here. Is marriage a goal I should be open to at 47 years old? From posts here, and plenty of stories all over, it's a dangerous proposition with 'little' odds of contentment and success...

 

Maybe more useful - those of you who feel you have a successful marriage or have an inside impression of friends/relatives with successful marriages -

did you (or they) want to be married, and then at some point find someone to marry?

Or -

never really think about marriage, and then ended up with someone who eventually was too good to live without and got them to drop their single fortitude and change their mind about it all and get married?

 

I'm feeling loss and lost. And not sure if I should just not hope for a good marriage this lifetime and plan to date around without a long term 'goal' or what...

 

Thanks for any feedback.

 

If it matters, I've been dating to get my mind off my ex-fiancé, but still think better of the caliber of my ex than any of the new ones. So I don't feel I'm wallowing or closed off from women, but not feeling optimistic there's magic in the future either.

Edited May 6, 2019 by Sunlight72

[preraph]

I'll leave most of the responses to the happily married folks, but just wanted to say you seem like a really great guy and you've proven that you can have long-term relationships. I see no reason you can't still pursue a relationship with marriage in mind at 46. I would probably advised you stayed with the person a couple of years before proposing though. Be sure you're both all in.

[Woggle]

Just live your life without a goal of marriage and a good one might come along. That is what worked for me.

[d0nnivain]

Having a goal of marriage is fine. Achieving that goal quickly is bad. Date somebody for at least a year before you even start to think about whether you could be married to them. If after a few weeks initially it's OK to break up with somebody you already know you could not be married to. Once you pass the year mark of being together talk about the concept of marriage, what it means to you, what it looks like. If you survive that long, at around the 2 year mark get engaged & be engaged for a least 1 year so you can plan deliberately. You should not live together until you have been together for at least one year either.

 

Part of your problem is you rush. Getting to the alter is easy. Making a marriage work is hard.

[FMW]

I think having the hope to someday marry for life is a good thing as long as you don't automatically apply that hope to every relationship you get into. As others have said, don't rush things, and I would add to make sure your eyes are open to any warning signs and don't ignore them.

[Mr. Lucky]

did you (or they) want to be married, and then at some point find someone to marry?

 

I never wanted specifically to be married, but I knew I wanted to be with the right someone, kids included. And marriage seemed the best way to accomplish this.

 

I have friends who are single at your age and seem perfectly content, either living fairly alone (from a female companionship standpoint) or actively playing the field. But you have to know yourself well enough to decide if this is what you ultimately want.

 

If, like me, you're happier in a relationship then one must manage the tricky balance of an open mind with a guarded heart. d0nnivain's advice is solid and pretty much matches the timeline I followed with my wife, we got engaged 3 years in and married a year later. 30+ years later, still happily together...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Veronica73]

I’m sorry your relationship didn’t workout Sunlight. You seem like a really good guy and a good partner. I’ll try to write more about the marriage stuff later.

[Wallysbears]

Why do you put such weight on "marriage" vs. a healthy relationship? To you, what is the difference?

[Happy Lemming]

I'm going to go in a different direction... a bit more pragmatic, if you will.

 

You stated that you made it through your first two divorces fairly unscathed (financially). What makes you think you will be as lucky the third time around??

 

At 47, its time to do some retirement planning and think about some long term stable investments. Get rid of all debt, build your retirement accounts up and start preparing for the day when you can no longer work. Adding a potential liability (of an ex-wife) into the mix could throw any type of planning into a tail spin.

 

You gave marriage a try (twice), it didn't work. What makes you think 3rd time's a charm??

 

I'm not saying don't date. Date all you want, just don't get married. We don't always get what we want out of life. At some point, we have to salvage what we have left and prepare for our golden years.

 

Just my two cents.

[BaileyB]

When I was younger, I just assumed that I would get married and have children... but, the right person really didn’t come along.

 

Now, I’ve been blessed in that I have a wonderful man in my life... but now, I could actually care less if we ever get married. Go figure.

[thefooloftheyear]

I dunno, man....

 

How many times does a dog have to bite you before you leave it alone?

 

You seem like a good guy from your post history, just seems like you ran into some unfortunate circumstance...

 

Just let it go and keep it light...There are many people I know(esp at middle age) that have great relationships and aren't married..

 

Be well.

 

TFY

[BettyDraper]

Having a goal of marriage is fine. Achieving that goal quickly is bad. Date somebody for at least a year before you even start to think about whether you could be married to them. If after a few weeks initially it's OK to break up with somebody you already know you could not be married to. Once you pass the year mark of being together talk about the concept of marriage, what it means to you, what it looks like. If you survive that long, at around the 2 year mark get engaged & be engaged for a least 1 year so you can plan deliberately. You should not live together until you have been together for at least one year either.

 

Part of your problem is you rush. Getting to the alter is easy. Making a marriage work is hard.

 

All of this! No reason to rush. Rushed relationships rarely work out.

[BettyDraper]

I'm going to go in a different direction... a bit more pragmatic, if you will.

 

You stated that you made it through your first two divorces fairly unscathed (financially). What makes you think you will be as lucky the third time around??

 

At 47, its time to do some retirement planning and think about some long term stable investments. Get rid of all debt, build your retirement accounts up and start preparing for the day when you can no longer work. Adding a potential liability (of an ex-wife) into the mix could throw any type of planning into a tail spin.

 

You gave marriage a try (twice), it didn't work. What makes you think 3rd time's a charm??

 

I'm not saying don't date. Date all you want, just don't get married. We don't always get what we want out of life. At some point, we have to salvage what we have left and prepare for our golden years.

 

Just my two cents.

 

Great financial advice.

 

Not everyone is meant to be married and that's perfectly fine.

[snowcones]

As a teenager I never thought about marriage. It just never crossed my mind. In fact, I didn't think about marriage until I met my ex-husband and he was the one who brought it up. Had I not got lucky and met a man who was marriage-minded, I probably would have gone my whole life not caring about marriage. Anyway, he was the one who planted the thought in my mind for the first time and we married and I'm so glad we did. He introduced me to the wonderful world of marriage and there are things about it that I really miss. And at the same time, things that I don't miss. Maybe you are experiencing a bit of this paradox too? As a bachelorette, most of the time I feel like I never want to get married again, until I meet someone that I really like.... then I want to get married again. Once I meet someone I really like, then I start getting those feelings again and it kinda takes over. The romantic in me only comes out with someone I love, but fortunately that happens rarely!

 

I feel so much safer being single.

[Sunlight72]

Thanks all for the feedback; I am reading and considering the thoughts.

I appreciate the positive comments, very nice of you all, really.

Why do you put such weight on "marriage" vs. a healthy relationship? To you, what is the difference?

Good question Wallysbears - I've thought about this, and returned to the computer a few times now to compose my thoughts...

 

To me the difference is that with the publicly stated celebration and commitment of marriage it is clear the couple wants to build the rest of their lives together. I want to build that life, consciously, by choice - not just a situation that sort of keeps going...

 

I have had my own business for 19 years now, and I could just cash out, sell my house, and move to France and never do this business again. It would literally just evaporate if I walked away. I want something more meaningful and structured in my lifetime.

 

Trying to get down to the root of this, I guess there's a deep part of me that wants to prove myself capable and honorable.

 

When you look at anyone's family tree, it does not include "girlfriend of uncle Sunlight". Also, you don't become 'part of' your partners family without being married. I want to build and reënforce those bonds with a woman's family & friends as well. I don't want to be a question mark or secret - I want to be proud of someone and have her be proud of me.

[preraph]

You want tangibility and sustainability. Not transience.

[Sunlight72]

I dunno, man....

 

How many times does a dog have to bite you before you leave it alone?

Yeeuuuup. I've thought of this over the years.

 

You seem like a good guy from your post history, just seems like you ran into some unfortunate circumstance...

Thanks TFY, I appreciate that.

 

Just let it go and keep it light...There are many people I know(esp at middle age) that have great relationships and aren't married...

Yea, that's where I was at before I met my ex-fiancée. Maybe I'll meet someone else and be content without marriage again after a while.

[Sunlight72]

...just wanted to say you seem like a really great guy and you've proven that you can have long-term relationships....

I really appreciate this preraph, thank you.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You do seem like a great person with a good head on his shoulders, and all of your reasons make good sense to me.

 

Also, if you decide to retire to France, take me with you.

[Sunlight72]

Ha ha ha, OK C.O.

I hope you like beach towns and mild weather...

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm sorry about your breakup. I'm recently single again myself. But now, I have a much more stable view of singledom than I used to: if a relationship isn't right, it's best to let it dissolve rather than force something that's only going to cause more pain and stress in the long run.

 

Marriage is a noble goal, one that I share for the same basic reason: a real commitment to building a strong, happy future with a loving partner. I was married once, too young. I've had opportunities since, but didn't want to take the leap again unless I felt very confident it was right, and that hasn't happened yet.

 

At 42, I've just truly turned my focus to getting myself into position for retirement planning, and from my initial research, it seems that in the majority of cases, married couples fare better than those "shacking up".

 

I agree you seem like a great guy and it's only a matter of time until you find the right woman for a lifelong commitment.

[curlygirl40]

I've always found it an odd thing when people say they gave a goal of getting married. Because that goal doesn't necessarily consider the fact that someone else, and their variables, will be taken into account.

 

It's not like 'I have a goal to run a marathon in 2021', something you have control over so to speak.

 

But that being said, I am with you 100% on being married someday. It is something that I think I would like as well for a lot of the reasons you mentioned. I am 49 so we're close to the same age.

 

I think your goal should be, as someone else mentioned, to be in a healthy partnership. And to not marry again until you're in a relationship with someone for at least 2 years so you know for sure this is 'the one'. I think it takes at least 1.5 years until people show their real selves and not just the best person they want to show you.

 

Good for you for doing the self work, that's huge. Be confident in who you are and what you have to offer, and set a goal to always be yourself and to be honest about who you are to the people that you meet. The right person will come along and will appreciate that, and then you'll get your happily ever after through just being your best self. Marriage will then just be a natural next step

 

Best of luck to you

[basil67]

I had the same thought as curlygirl. A goal which can't happen without someone else's participation can't ever be rock solid. Rather than have a "goal" perhaps "being open to" is a better proposition. It also gives less pressure and will make you less likely to rush in.

 

Re the family tree, if girlfriend has a child with you, she'll end up in the family tree

[Ruby Slippers]

I think it makes perfect sense to have marriage as a goal. I might expand to say "find a man who makes a great marriage partner for me".

 

I'm a big believer in the power of intention. It wasn't till I got very clear in my thoughts, words, and actions about the goal of finding a great man who could be a great husband that I started meeting men with the same corresponding vision. Clarity and focus are very powerful.

[Woggle]

To me finding a great relationship should be more of a goal than marriage. If you don't have a great relationship then marriage can be terrible. Honestly the only reason I am married is because it is important to my wife. I would be fine with or without that piece of a paper because to me that is all it is without action to back up those vows. It meant a lot to her which is why I did it.