You sunk my battle ship

[Tennessee whiskey]

Probably gonna be a little bit of a long read.... First off I've been married for 4 years now with my wife. We met and quickly fell in love and were married shortly after, never really had a problems the normal arguments but nothing serious. She's a stay at home mom and our boys are homeschooled both are here choice as I didn't think homeschooling was a good choice for her. We have 1 child together and she has 3 sons from before her and I, I treat them all like they were my own.

 

Well about a week ago she told me she was depressed and started crying I tried to talk to her which didn't go to far as she said she was tired and went to bed. Next day everything seemed much better after our boys were asleep her and I were intimate that night she did stuff she hasn't done in years (oral sex and she was even on top) which was very exciting and shocking. And right after she told over and said to me to stop being an ******* or else she can go years without sex. Our sex life is not the best honestly her being 32 and only being intimate twice a month on average seems low to me.

 

Then the following day she was depressed again and told me it was cronic depression which I asked if she would like to see a counselor which was shot down rather quickly she is very Facebook

dependent I mean at least 6 hours a day every day first thing she does in the morning then all day and before she falls asleep.. we talked more and I had brought up the fact that she's been buying nice dress clothes and wearing make up and as she put it she's trying to make her self feel better.. which I do find odd as when were together she does none of this only when she goes to town with the boys. She told me about here visit to the local gas station where the clerk hit on her and she told me it was OK because she got 2 free lighter out of it.

 

Don't get me wrong I'm not upset about that because I know you have no say in how people react to you. Which brings me to yesterday, her dad and I work together so I asked if they would be willing to watch our boys so we could try to reconnect which they had no problem with and after work I talked to my wife about us getting out of town and was stopped quickly by her and told she's going to going to go buy a tent and go camping and hiking by herself, which was a complete shock to me as she has never been that type of woman she doesn't like to be alone and is afraid of the dark. Which she replied she needs to get over her fears and would lock the tent that was quickly changed to renting a cabin and hiking and she jokingly said at least it isn't a hotel I will be staying at that she needs time away from me to think ..

 

I did question her about all this as it raised a lot of red flags. My first thought she has met someone online and it sparked her interest and that's why our sex was so different a few nights ago. She keeps saying that I have no trust in her and that's not how a marriage works. We both have been cheated on in past relationships and this feels exactly like what happened with my ex wife. I really feel she is up to no good here but she swears it's not about another guy and she just needs time to think... My gut says otherwise! P.s. we moved to Tennessee about 6moths ago and don't know anyone else here other than her parents who have been here almost a year.

Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[vla1120]

Planning to go "camping" alone is very suspicious to me. Can you access her FB account? If not, I would put a keylogger program on your computer to check her online activity (or look in your browser's history.) I'm sorry you find yourself here and I wish you the best.

[Tennessee whiskey]

As of yesterday she suspended her Facebook account I had logged on after at least 2 years , looking for a reason why this is going down and I noticed I was deleted as her friend and her bio said nothing about being married. I did ask her why and her response was she was probably hacked or something because her mom got deleted a week or so before... I don't buy it one bit and she only uses her cell phone due to not having any other source of Internet which she keeps buy her side at all times even in the bathroom to go pee which now takes at least 10 minutes.

 

I've talked to her about this and get the normal your seeing it totally wrong and I'm not after another man response. And I did forget our most recent conversation which was a few hours ago she had text me and asked why I didn't say good bye or anything when I left for work I responded by telling her I tried to kiss her yesterday at my lunch time a and tell her I loved her which she broke down crying and didn't say anything.. then on our phone conversation I did bring up the fact that I didn't like the choice in music she was playing yesterday which isn't something I normally have to bring up as most of the time she listens to country but it was a newer rap some called me two witch is very inappropriate to put it politely unless you think having a 7 year old singing ride on my d*ck is OK.. she then replied I'm done if your going to criticize my parenting

Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BTDT2012]

Tell her to give you her phone. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know.

[RecentChange]

There is an absolute parade of red flags here.

 

I would demand couples counseling. And refuse to allow the camping alone in the woods farce. I would probably frame it that I was concerned she was a suicide risk - she does have untreated depression.

 

And that IS a thing.... I spend a lot of time out in expansive parks - and some of the trail entrances have “there is help” signs with suicide prevention numbers.

 

But the Facebook stuff she said is totally a lie. And her phone habits really point to one thing.

 

And I say this as someone who has cheated.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Another question would be.....why does she think you're so dumb?

 

I'm sorry you are here. You are not crazy and not just seeing something that is not there. There are not Facebook hackers out there deleting people's friends. Does not happen.

 

I had a friend in college who adopted the musical preferences of whomever she was dating. She eventually married a country guy so she's a country gal for life, but she want through a lot of phases. Trust your gut....even the music choice is a sign....

[Tennessee whiskey]

There is an absolute parade of red flags here.

 

 

She did bring up driving off a cliff yesterday and i said I would take the keys with me and she said she would just jump.. then later in the day she said she would never do that cause she's afraid of dieing.and yes I have brought up the fact that her actions are screaming cheating... She says that I have no trust in our marriage and like I've said this inst the first time I've been down this road before and I feel exactly the same way as I did with my xwife who cheated multiple times

Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I would probably frame it that I was concerned she was a suicide risk - she does have untreated depression.

 

Suicide entered my head as well.

[Veronica73]

I agree with RecentChange 100%. Also, stop asking her if she is seeing somebody else. Investigate. Then if you find out for sure she is having an affair, ask her, in person, while you are looking at each other, if she is having an affair. That’s what I would do. There is something about seeing somebody you love lying straight to your face when you have proof.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

OP, have you checked your wife's phone records online?

[Veronica73]

I didn’t see the part about jumping off a cliff when I posted before. That’s not normal. Combined with the crying a lot, I’d be more concerned with that than the possibility of her cheating.

[pepperbird]

Op,this could be very serious.

 

There isn't time to dither around. You have kids, and if your wife's mental health is in question, her seeking help is a non-negotiable.

[Tennessee whiskey]

Just got back from lunch and didn't even get to eat as I didn't even make it threw the door and she brought up the fact that I talked to her dad this morning as she put it I went crying to her parents. And it turned into a huge argument her saying I'm trying to control everything she does and that she will stay home and be miserable like I want her to be. She then said she will pack up the kids and leave which I said I would see her in court. then I would have no place to stay or no vehicle and as I left she told me not to come back. We live where I work rent free, one of the perks my boss offered. I did tell her she is acting like she is 16 with her don't give a damn attitude.. I did also bring up the her music choice lately and asked her doesn't she think it's inappropriate her reply was who gives a **** as long as they know it's just music.. I don't know how many people have heard the rap song (me two) but it is all about sex. If you bought me try listing to it

[Tennessee whiskey]

Op,this could be very serious.

 

There isn't time to dither around. You have kids, and if your wife's mental health is in question, her seeking help is a non-negotiable.

 

I brought up that I feel she needs help and she told me I'm the one that needs help. I am at a loss of what to do

[vla1120]

I would stop engaging with her about all of this and just check her phone records and browser history. She needs to (or you need to) speak to someone about her suicidal ideations.

[RecentChange]

I would be going to her parents with all of this if she won’t listen to you. Perhaps not so much the possible cheating, but the untreated mental health.

 

She needs and intervention - not confronting her mental health situation can’t be an option any more. She has 4 children, she needs help so she can be there for them.

 

Talking about suicide, even “joking” about it isn’t healthy, isn’t normal, and is a major concern. As is the crying, the staring she is depressed, this is someone screaming for help, even if they deny it.

 

And yes, someone so emotional vulnerable is at risk of an emotional affair - depression and mental illness can cause people to make bad choices in a desperate attempt to “feel” something.

 

She is coming off the rails and I really don’t see this getting better without professional help and some lifestyle changes (stay at home mom with no friends and home schooling is a seriously tough gig - I am pretty sure I would lose my sanity)

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She is coming off the rails

 

Yes, this is what it sounds like to me too.

[mark clemson]

It's unclear whether it's just mental health or both mental health and an affair driving this. Agree/think that there are a LOT of red flags + you need to stop bringing up the affair aspect so that you will be better able to monitor her for that.

 

Agree/think she needs serious monitoring/treatment on the mental health aspect (independent of any affair issue). I think the trick will be getting her to accept this and take some action.

[Marc878]

Check your phone bill online.

 

This didn't just happen.

 

Red flags everywhere

 

Being in denial won't help you much

 

Keep your mouth shut and start digging

[pepperbird]

op,

if this is a mental health issue, you can't leave it up to her to seek help, as like many people with severe depression, she may well fight you tooth and nail.

 

Mentioning self harm or suicide is a big red flag. I would lose the focus on it maybe being an affair for now.

[Mr. Lucky]

she has 3 sons from before her and I, I treat them all like they were my own.

 

Is their Dad in the picture? If so, might be time to have him take them for a while to ease some of the pressure on her. Dangerous situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[loversquarrel]

In my opinion it's a manipulation tactic. I know one thing is for sure op, affair or not I wouldn't be sticking around, do what you can for yourself and your child...time to pull the ripcord!!

Edited May 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whichwayisup]

She did bring up driving off a cliff yesterday and i said I would take the keys with me and she said she would just jump.. then later in the day she said she would never do that cause she's afraid of dieing.and yes I have brought up the fact that her actions are screaming cheating... She says that I have no trust in our marriage and like I've said this inst the first time I've been down this road before and I feel exactly the same way as I did with my xwife who cheated multiple times

 

Since she is threatening to kill herself by driving off a cliff, then she needs help! Even if it means having her committed into a mental facility. Whether or not she's having an affair right now is mute, her depression is affecting everything and this isn't good for the kids.

 

She is gas lighting you and making it seem like you're ganging on up her. She is acting shady and also upset that you mistrust her. Red flags!!

 

Hire a PI.

 

Back to her mental health. She isn't making good decisions. Be strong and make sure she understands that you won't put up with this much longer. That you love her and are willing to get her help, whatever it takes .... BUT, if she is having an affair make it clear to her that she needs to end the A immediately or she can move out and be with him.

[BettyDraper]

Oh dear....please focus on getting your wife some help before looking for evidence of an affair.

[Rotaglia]

This is very scary. Do not fool around. Get your wife some professional help ASAP. Potentially saving her life comes ahead in priority of everything else, including your troubled marriage.