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Female friends and people watching in our partnership


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Dandelioness

My partner and I have been together for roughly 5 years. We recently just had our second child. We are both in our 40s and have been through a lot in our own personal lives.

 

Recently, my partner and I ran into an old acquaintance of his. An ex-fling from 25 years ago (high school). They never dated but her brother, a somewhat friend of his, works nearby our home. I was introduced to her with the understanding that she was his friend's sister that just moved back into our community. He hadn't seen her in years so I was surprised that in our 5-min introduction, she told him she just had a miscarriage with a guy she had only been dating for 5 months. I assumed she just lacked filters. As we walked away, I asked him if they had ever dated, which was when he giggled about their flings as teens. I noticed he was quite giddy after we parted, as he was clearly excited to have run into her. She mentioned about wanting to hang out with him.

 

To me, he didn't say anything positive about her. She has a reputation for being unfaithful to her partner; she has a troubled son whom her parents were looking after at some point; she had suffered mild brain injury from being struck by a car when she was young; and, of course, the flings she'd involve herself in with my now partner and their group of friends. He also spoke of their parents in a negative light.

 

He then said they'd recently been texting each other.. ?? When I questioned further, he couldn't "remember" who initiated the text but said maybe he did. He was so vague about it. He wouldn't tell me how they got each other's number (I'm guessing from the brother), suggesting he's had his number for a long time, and said he just told her he heard she 'was moving back' into our community - meaning, this was a while ago since she's just moved back (I don'tknow how recent). He said he didn't mention anybody else to her but sent her a photo of our girls. So, I wasn't mentioned?

 

He also said he's not sexually interested in her and that she's just an old "friend" .. (that he cant say anything nice about). I questioned him why he reached out to her, after all these years, when he doesn't even respect her (since he hasn't said anything positive about her yet) and he says he doesn't know what to say.

 

At the same time, we've had concerns within our own relationship with regards to loyalty and trust. I am certain he has never cheated on me but I do question the emotional affairs he may be having. He said I don't feel like his partner anymore (we're struggling to get past the trust issues) and since I'm currently co-sleeping with both our daughters, he claims I "moved out" of "his" room.

 

Question: Am I overreacting about him contacting this friend? I don't trust either of them.

 

He says he doesn't consider her as an ex fling, even though they've been sexual together on several occasions. He admits he was excited to see her because it's been years. He doesnt think there's anything wrong with contacting her. He thinks I'm being paranoid and it's sad that I'm so bothered by this.

 

Thoughts/opinions?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Partnership threads merged.
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Well, if he doesn't even respect her or like her as a friend, then he must be attracted to her. Probably sees her as easy.

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Dandelioness

My partner and I have been together for about 5 years. We recently had our second child.

 

My partner is a self-proclaimed "people watcher". He thinks it's harmless and he enjoys watching people of all types. Um, ok.

 

Problem - Often times when we are together, with or without our children, I see him checking out other women. I get there are many attractive women out there so that's not an issue for me. I can appreciate beauty as well. The problem I see is when he tracks women's privates as they move around the room (forgetting I can see him). So, for all the ladies in provocative yoga pants hiked up their butts, has taken my partner's interest.

 

I find this offensive because, no only is it sexual in nature of what he's looking at, but to track them until they are no more visible, is not what a family man should do. Once they leave the building (as an example) he repositions himself so he can continue watching them through the window. Once they're gone, he then rubs my back or arm with affection like that's suppose to lessen the blow for me. Sometimes, if I'm blocking his view, he leans past me to see. Not obvious at all!!

 

I find this completely disrespectful, perverted, and self-fulfilling. He claims he doesn't notice doing this so it must be subconscious. Then he minimizes my examples and calls me insecure when he's just people watching.

 

Question- Am I just being insecure?

 

Thoughts/opinions?

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Dandelioness

In my opinion, she is attractive.

 

And he does like her as a "friend" but cant explain why he hasn't said anything nice about her so far.

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Tell him it's embarrassing and to stop. And not to rub you after he gets a horn on watching some other woman's butt.

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Dandelioness
Tell him it's embarrassing and to stop. And not to rub you after he gets a horn on watching some other woman's butt.

 

I did tell him it's embarrassing. He was offended and said maybe we shouldn't hang out in public together then.. since I'm so insecure.

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Dandelioness

I just want to know, in this scenario, is it ok for him to be texting with her as a friend? Do I have any grounds to be upset? Am I worrying for nothing? Should I grow up and accept their friendship under his word that he will never cheat on me? Even if he doesn't cheat on me with her, is it acceptable for him to reach out to this person "innocently" .. given their history and personality types?

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Look up "gaslighting" on google and read all about it. That's what he's doing to you, and it's very disrespectful. He's trying to turn it around on you when he's the one with the problem. NO one would put up with that amount of swivel-head on their man. Most women would put up with a quick glance, but not what you're describing. He's gross and other people notice. It's not YOU. So read about gaslighting and be ready to call him out next time he blames it on your insecurity. Or skip all that and just dump him.

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Dandelioness
Look up "gaslighting" on google and read all about it. That's what he's doing to you, and it's very disrespectful. He's trying to turn it around on you when he's the one with the problem. NO one would put up with that amount of swivel-head on their man. Most women would put up with a quick glance, but not what you're describing. He's gross and other people notice. It's not YOU. So read about gaslighting and be ready to call him out next time he blames it on your insecurity. Or skip all that and just dump him.

 

Funny you should say that. I'm all too familiar with gaslighting, as both my mother and sister have NPD. I never thought about it with him though. I'll have to reread its definition and how that applies to him.

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Dandelioness

Here is an email I just received from him:

 

"I'm sorry that you feel the way you do. I'm sorry I can't change the way you think about me. I want us to be happy together, I really do.

 

The things that you say you see me do as far as watching women , I cant say I dont because I watch everyone. I dont register anything inappropriate about it because that's not how I think about the people I watch.. I'm sorry that my actions embarrass and offend you but I can tell you that I am not being perverted when I watch people, I'm just observing..to me its no different than watching dogs go by or cars or looking at the different flowers.

 

I will continue to do my best to be a good father and partner as long as you will have me..

 

I want you to feel happy and secure in our family and will do all I can to help you get there..I love you and always will."

 

These are the kind of emails and texts I get from him.. once he's stopped accusing me of having a wild imagination, being paranoid, and crazy. He's also used the fact that I'm hormonal due to having a newborn (post partum) and will do "anything to support me" when talking about his behaviours.

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Tell him blah blah blah then just stop. It's simple enough. Is gas-lighting you by pretending this is your problem, your insecurities, your hormones, when you are sitting there not doing anything wrong and he is straining to watch some woman.

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Dandelioness

I honestly don't know how to respond. He's avoided me all day. He does this sometimes as a form of punishment. He'll take our child with him to his parents house (doors away) and stay there for hours - isolating me while he's surrounded by the people who love him. He's admitted to me about venting to his parents about me, which is another form of isolation.

 

Anytime I address a concerning behaviour, we spend more time talking about his feelings and how he just tries so hard to make me happy. I get a lot of finger pointing and he dodges a lot of my points until I'm too exhausted to continue, essentially not solving any problems.

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Wallysbears

I was about to tell you to relax until you shared his email.

 

 

Leave. Like run now to family somewhere else. He’s not right. This is a man that is going to gaslight and isolate and abuse you.

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Even if he doesn't cheat on me with her, is it acceptable for him to reach out to this person "innocently" .. given their history and personality types?

 

Based on your threads, you simply don't trust him. This isn't about who he texts or looks at, there at much bigger issues here.

 

Is there a reason he's your "partner" and not husband?

 

Mr. Lucky

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Dandelioness

@Mr. Lucky

That's what I've said to him. It's not that I'm jealous of other women, I just don't trust him. He understands why I don't and apologizes for it. So am I in the wrong for finding it concerning he'd contact her like that? He wants to rekindle their "friendship"?

 

He's my partner because I never went through the legal divorce from my previous relationship due to financial reasons and the stress involved. I'm not interested in getting married again, anyway.

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whichwayisup
I just want to know, in this scenario, is it ok for him to be texting with her as a friend? Do I have any grounds to be upset? Am I worrying for nothing? Should I grow up and accept their friendship under his word that he will never cheat on me? Even if he doesn't cheat on me with her, is it acceptable for him to reach out to this person "innocently" .. given their history and personality types?

 

So he is texting with an old friend/fling/sex buddy, someone he doesn't really like or say nice stuff about her? This is either a fun escape for him from being a father and home life and he is looking for an ego feed since she seems to still be into him or he is up to no good. The friendship is pointless! She brings nothing positive into his life.

 

Time for him to grow up and realize that it's not cool to be friends with a casual sex buddy from the past who is notorious to cheating on partners.

 

He has a choice to make.

 

There's nothing you can do to stop him from cheating but you can tell him that if he doesn't end things with her he can move out and be on his own. Be tough! He isn't acting like a loving and committed partner to you.

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Dandelioness
I was about to tell you to relax until you shared his email.

 

 

Leave. Like run now to family somewhere else. He’s not right. This is a man that is going to gaslight and isolate and abuse you.

 

Before I expressed my concerns about his behaviours toward women, I commented how I realized about my moods being up and down lately. I was wanting him to understand where I was coming from. I'm still suffering from postpartum blues (we have a newborn) and that his behaviours were really affecting me. His initial response downplayed everything I said. A few hours later, he sent me this:

 

"I'm sorry .. I can't begin to have any understanding what you have been through with the hormonal rollercoaster you have been on..

 

I'm sorry if I have been less than supportive and understanding..

 

I love you and I will do whatever you need to help you feel better..

 

I am here with you and I will always be here for you.. I love you."

 

 

I felt like I got punched in the gut.

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Dandelioness
So he is texting with an old friend/fling/sex buddy, someone he doesn't really like or say nice stuff about her? This is either a fun escape for him from being a father and home life and he is looking for an ego feed since she seems to still be into him or he is up to no good. The friendship is pointless! She brings nothing positive into his life.

 

He said they were in 9th grade when the flings took place so he didn't actually sleep with her. I believe him, due to their ages (and she must have been in grade 7 or 8). Then he said they weren't close friends and he hasn't seen her in a long time. So, my questions were, why was he so happy to have her return back to our neighborhood then? Why did he reach out and text her - making himself accessible to her? If he doesn't have anything nice to say about her and she's untrustworthy, why does he want to rebuild a friendship with her? He wasn't able to answer these questions. He just said she was an old friend and he was excited to see her because he hadn't seen her in a long time .. I have nothing to feel threatened about.

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Dandelioness

I'm obviously still upset and needing a vent..

 

Here's another thing he said to me today, "I'm sure I have texted other people that I didnt think I needed to tell you about."

 

This was in response to my question about why he didn't tell me he contacted this friend until after we ran into her. I mean, if he's so excited to get reacquainted with an old friend and has nothing to hide, why not share that enthusiasm with me? Why the secrecy?

 

This response made me feel more insecure because he has a very small circle of friends he rarely sees. I know who hw works for. I know he talks to his ex he dated for several years. She's in a relationship and just had another child. That hasn't been a secret. So, anyone else he's implying I know absolutely nothing about. I don't know who they are or where he's met them. He's not into social media. So again, what's the secrecy?

 

Am I over reading this? He said it's pretty sad that I feel this way.. like he's mocking me.

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Scarlett.O'hara

To be completely blunt, yes, it does sound like he is at risk of having an affair.

 

He doesn't seem to have a good reason for all the secret messaging, and his reaction to seeing her again tells you more about what he is feeling than his words do. Even if he is not sexually interested in her right now (which I find hard to believe), if she starts giving him attention he isn't getting from you, that could change very quickly.

 

Looking at it purely from his perspective you can see why he might be looking to a fill a void during those nights alone in "his" room. It might be innocent in his mind, but if things don't change soon, he will likely become susceptible if she starts pushing boundaries, and you said he was already prone to emotional affairs.

 

It sounds like you two are drifting apart, and if you don't find a way to reconnect emotionally and physically soon, your relationship is at risk of infidelity. I understand your desire to co-sleep with your girls, but is there any flexibility with that? Could you schedule some nights or time with just you and him together. Intimate times? Date nights? That sort of thing. I know it is hard with a baby, but if your relationship matters to you, you need to try and protect it.

 

Perhaps, if you are willing to give him a bit more of your attention, he might not have such a issue with giving up his old "friend".

 

Just a suggestion.

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Dandelioness

@Scarlett.O'hara

 

You're right. I'm very angry with him. We had a great relationship until he sabotaged it with lies, betrayal, and disrespect. I love him and care about him in my heart, and in a non-romantic way, we make a great team. We're both very involved with our girls and they are super - a distraction away from the hurt. I don't know how to get past it. When he tries to be affectionate (hugs, kisses) I tense up. I feel resentful that he's wanting me in a vulnerable state because 'he' needs affection, love, sex..

 

We've been to counseling which was a joke. We were given 5 sessions and we opted out of the last one because the counselor wasn't very professional or helpful.

 

The last handful of times we were intimate, prior to the conception of our newborn, he seemed more interested in his own needs and then rolled over. It felt like I was just a vice. He can be quite egocentric in our relationship and very competitive. His empathy is out the window.. so when he sends me these lovey-dovey emails and texts, I cringe. He doesnt sound authentic. What he says and how he acts doesn't match up so I'm constantly in protective mode, romantically.

 

When we get into arguments, I do see the gaslighting (looking back now). He's always the victim. I'm often misunderstanding a situation; reading into things; being insecure; misheard; or have a flawed perception.. according to him. We spend most of our time talking about his feelings and how unfair I've been to him when "all he wants to do is make me happy".. any time I address a concern.

 

He's threatened to end our relationship multiple times as a scare tactic since he really has no intentions and knows I have nowhere to go. It goes on..

 

So yes, a recipe for disaster neither one of us knows what to do. So here I am at 3am posting on an online forum.. no one else to talk to about it.

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Does he watch men's crotches? Pretty sure he does not. He is not "people watching." He is ogling women in a particularly disrespectful way. And that gaslighting and punishing you? Do not put up with it. Go join him at his parents, just to send the message that you won't tolerate it. Next time he does it, get up and walk away. Do it repeatedly until he gets the message.

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toned down language
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loversquarrel
I was about to tell you to relax until you shared his email.

 

 

Leave. Like run now to family somewhere else. He’s not right. This is a man that is going to gaslight and isolate and abuse you.

 

I disagree, we are only viewing one side of the story. How can we know for sure what's going on with him? He visits his parents with their grandchild and it has somehow become a form of isolation?? So if he's given crap about doing so, isn't that isolation? So I guess my wife and i should be categorized as isolationist abusers for bringing the kids to Grammys house. Wow just wow. And if he's talking to family about marital issues I guess that's a big abusive action as well....

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You need to get a lot more blunt with him and stop coupling it with an apology for your own self, and just tell him, This needs to stop, NOW. No one would put up with this.

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He's my partner because I never went through the legal divorce from my previous relationship due to financial reasons and the stress involved.

 

So you're still married to someone else?

 

I'm not interested in getting married again, anyway.

 

What commitment or tie does marriage represent not covered by two kids together?

 

Mr. Lucky

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