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Resentful or not??


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 15th April 2019, 7:29 AM   #16
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Yes but nothing she is doing or more pertinently not doing, is actively destroying it. His desire for sex is immaterial to the well being of the general family. Hence why his family remains intact after 15 years of no sex.
By filing for divorce, he would be actively splitting it apart.
IMO it's ludicrous to expect anyone to live in a sexless marriage. Unless you're a monk

He should have divorced her 14 years ago before wasting 15 years of life on this stupidity.
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Old 15th April 2019, 7:47 AM   #17
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He should have divorced her 14 years ago before wasting 15 years of life on this stupidity.
Agreed.
The time to bring it all up for consideration and discussion was after 15 days of no sex or repeated refusal with no obvious understandable reason, not after 15 years.
BUT family is important and to some family vs sex = family wins every time, so I kind of get it. It was no waste, no stupidity, just reality
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Old 15th April 2019, 7:50 AM   #18
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Agreed.
The time to bring it all up for consideration and discussion was after 15 days of no sex or repeated refusal with no obvious understandable reason, not after 15 years.
BUT family is important and to some family vs sex = family wins every time, so I kind of get it. It was no waste, no stupidity, just reality
i know many who regret staying but see none who regret leaving
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Old 15th April 2019, 8:04 AM   #19
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i know many who regret staying but see none who regret leaving
Not easy I guess to admit that blowing up a long marriage was a wrong decision.
Better for the ego to stick by that decision...
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Old 15th April 2019, 8:21 AM   #20
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Not easy I guess to admit that blowing up a long marriage was a wrong decision.
Better for the ego to stick by that decision...
Cutting off sex in a marriage blew it up. OP just finally woke up to reality and did the smart thing.

You must be asexual correct? You are in a sexless marriage?

You don't understand men much at all.
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Old 15th April 2019, 12:37 PM   #21
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Yes but nothing she is doing or more pertinently not doing, is actively destroying it. His desire for sex is immaterial to the well being of the general family. Hence why his family remains intact after 15 years of no sex.
By filing for divorce, he would be actively splitting it apart.
Yeah...no. She's been actively destroying the marriage for 15yrs. It's called neglect and I can guarantee if this behavior happened previous to marriage, there would be no marriage. I wouldn't blame a man or a woman for leaving such a horrible situation, in fact I feel bad for people that waste many years of their lives in the hopes that things will change.
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Old 15th April 2019, 1:41 PM   #22
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IMO, a lot of hasty divorces later regretted arise from a lack of communication. The couple can't or won't convey what's really bothering them or what they are will to do to accommodate the other so out of frustration they separate or file for dissolution of the marriage. A lot of people refuse to consider marriage counseling (my wife has) to their detriment.

Talk to your spouse in a kind, loving, respectful, patient way and really listen to him/her and try not to argue excessively, just attempt to understand where he or she is coming from.
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Old 15th April 2019, 2:06 PM   #23
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Your children are adults, you did your job and they are grown.

Life is short. Do you want to spend the rest of your years the way you've spent the last 15? It's natural to want/need sex and intimacy. Denying it, to me, is breaking your marital vows and causes emotional issues for the one being denied.

Don't have an affair. That's a whole other level of misery you don't want to find out about. Try one last time to talk to her and tell her that this is where you are at - considering divorce. It probably won't change anything at this point, but then she can't say she was blindsided.
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Old 15th April 2019, 3:36 PM   #24
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OP just finally woke up to reality and did the smart thing.
The OP at this point in time has done exactly nothing, he is merely pondering.
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Old 15th April 2019, 4:26 PM   #25
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Yes but nothing she is doing or more pertinently not doing, is actively destroying it. His desire for sex is immaterial to the well being of the general family. Hence why his family remains intact after 15 years of no sex.
By filing for divorce, he would be actively splitting it apart.

Elaine, as much as I agree with your prior post just a few up, I have to disagree with this. Maybe not actively, but she most certainly is passively splitting it apart. He's just been more able than some to tolerate this.

OP, I think your role in all this has been to accept this for as long as you have. The time to start addressing it was 14.75 years ago IMO.

The suggestion to take on a mistress, while understandable at some level, is very ill-advised IMO. Divorce before you move on - doing otherwise will almost certainly just make things much more of a headache in the medium and/or long term. Quite possibly it would lead to divorce when discovered.

My advice would be to get very clear in your own head what you will and won't accept from your wife and then take action. It's a little late to be accusatory, but explain that you have gone without your needs being met met for far too long and that that needs to change. IMO you should lay your cards on the table that divorce is an option. Suggest you be prepared to go a bit slow at first with getting reacquainted with intimacy if she is amenable. I suspect unfortunately that she won't be and that you will need to divorce.

Possibly she will give you the option to have a mistress (somewhat different from you giving yourself that option). Everyone is a little different - I suspect it would lead to divorce sooner or later, if/when you actually pursue this, as she would be offended at some level - but I could be wrong.

If you're simply not willing to divorce, believe you will have to continue living with this.

IMO you should also consider speaking to an attorney to find out if you are in a no-fault state and if not, are there any ramifications to her denying you sex for this long and/or to you having a mistress even with "permission".
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Old 16th April 2019, 12:28 AM   #26
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nothing she is doing or more pertinently not doing, is actively destroying it
I have seen posts from both men and women who feel rejected and unloved when their partner ignores them sexually. This is a real problem which is serious.
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Old 16th April 2019, 5:48 AM   #27
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Yes but nothing she is doing or more pertinently not doing, is actively destroying it. His desire for sex is immaterial to the well being of the general family. Hence why his family remains intact after 15 years of no sex.
By filing for divorce, he would be actively splitting it apart.
I disagree. She destroyed it by neglecting a major part of the marriage...sex...you know the part where children come from. She failed to water the garden so to speak and it took 15 yrs to die a slow death.... she neglected and destroyed the marriage first, not him. He did his best in keeping married peacefully in the best interest of the children until they were old enough to deal with a divorce. This is what happens when spouses put other things first in their lives besides their marriage. In this case it was the wife putting the children first...a guaranteed recipe for divorce.

"His desire for sex is immaterial to the well being of the general family" is such an egregious statement it almost funny. I say good luck to any spouse in their marriage that believes that one.
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Old 16th April 2019, 5:50 AM   #28
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OP, make her watch this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20

It's amazing and commendable that you are still there. She needs to know the enormity of the sacrifice you've made to stay with her and conserve your family despite receiving no sex. That is no mean feat and is indicative of an amazing capacity for love. I applaud you.

But it's time. Tell her. Show her what an anomaly you are. She should be appreciating you in a time where people leave for far less. Give her the opportunity to appreciate YOU. And if she can't... then perhaps it is time for difficult decisions.
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Old 16th April 2019, 8:10 AM   #29
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OP, are you sure your wife hasn't had sex in 15 years or just not sex with you in 15 years? For all we know his wife could have a lover on the side. Just because she hasn't had sex with her husband in 15 years does not mean she's lost her sex drive.
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Old 16th April 2019, 8:52 AM   #30
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OP, make her watch this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20
The gist of the video is for the person not wanting sex is to "Just do it" for love and for the good of the marriage.
The one "withholding", has to give in, in the hope that they somehow then enjoy it and all is hunky dory.
But after 15 years of entrenched views and no doubt a lot of fighting about sex, then I doubt the wife here will be in any mood to "give in", that is the issue.
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