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Living separately, encouragement appreciated.


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Hello everyone, this is a bit of a rant about my current situation as I don't have anyone really to talk to about this.

 

I've been with my wife for a total of 7 years now, married for 2. We got together at 21, and moved in together after 4 months. At that point life hit us pretty hard as we were both broke university students living off loans and minimum wage.

 

We both made a lot of sacrifices to get to where we are. She quit school as it was making her depressed and we couldn't afford for both of us to graduate. I worked my butt off because it was about both of our futures and she was relying on me. We now own a modular home in a trailer park, and I now make enough money so we don't have to worry about money.

 

Through most of our relationship it wasn't fun. Lots of work, stress and sacrifice. We went through a lot together and learned to rely and love each other deeply. What we planned was to work hard and get established so we can have fun after and not be worried about our finances.

 

Once we were financially stable, and before we started changing our dynamic to do more together, She started working at a coffee shop for fun and to make friends. Once she started there she slowly stopped being as close and intimate with me. She started texting all her work friends all the time and hanging out with them more. I started to feel resentful towards her, as first the sex stopped, then kissing, then hand holding. I tried to re-ignite the spark on her end by taking her out on dates, being romantic, surprising her with gifts or flowers, but nothing worked.

 

She told me she wished she was still sexually attracted to me but for some reason she wasn't and she didn't know why. She said she thinks I am physically attractive and nothing changed about me, so it must be something wrong with her. I started to feel really resentful and upset, as I felt like she wasn't really making me a priority anymore. We started arguing more, and after a few months we both agreed I should move out and live separately as absence makes the heart grow fonder. Moving day we both cried our eyes out and it was one of the harder days of my life.

 

We've been living separately for a month now. She isn't living by herself in our home, but one of her much older male coworkers is living as a roommate that is going through a family crisis. If it were my way, she would be living alone, but I sacrificed my feelings so that she felt more secure financially, as she can charge him rent. She doesn't want to ask me for money all the time as she doesn't want to feel like a gold digger, fair enough.

 

She told me she feels like she's having a bit of a quarter life crisis and she is trying to make up for lost time having fun with friends. One of her friends from work was quitting, so the group of them all went to a pub last weekend. She told me 4/7 of them drank way too much. She said one of her friends puked in our yard, and friends of hers from work that are a new couple had drunk sex in our bathroom, but it was a really fun night for her. She told me she even drank a little.

When we first got together, we set a boundary in our relationship in the beginning no alcohol (she had alcoholic ex who was physically abusive, i had an alcoholic father in and out of rehab during my childhood). So when she told me I was hurt and upset. One for her violating a boundary, and the other for her drunk friends disrespecting our house. She said her view on alcohol has changed recently. She said she will rarely ever drink, and she only had two ounces of alcohol, but it was a way to let loose a little and make friends with people. She said she's responsible with it and it will and has not affected me at all and will continue to make sure of that. I told her I want her to be happy and I don't want to make her feel like she can't be herself, that I trust her with it, but I absolutely hate alcohol and we can't agree on it right now.

 

Right now I am feeling sad. I wish we could be enjoying our hard work together. I want to go on road trips, do new things together, have fun spontaneous date nights and just enjoy being together, but it feels like shes doing all of that with her friends instead, and has made me out to be the anti-fun husband that doesn't want to do anything as is overly judgmental. It is easy for our conversations to turn into an argument these days.

 

I am currently living in a furnished bedroom suite 10 minutes from my home. There's not enough space here for my old hobbies, but I'm trying not to feel like a victim, and focus on other activities. I'm reading a couple books per week, eating healthier food, go for a new hike every weekend, and am joining up with a boxing gym next week. I'm trying to relinquish control of the situation and just go along for the ride and trust her. Things feel like a mess right now, and of course I am hoping her attraction for me returns and we can continue with our lives together. I am trying to put my faith in God that he will do what's best for both of us.

 

Thank you for reading

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ExpatInItaly
We've been living separately for a month now. She isn't living by herself in our home, but one of her much older male coworkers is living as a roommate that is going through a family crisis. If it were my way, she would be living alone, but I sacrificed my feelings so that she felt more secure financially, as she can charge him rent. She doesn't want to ask me for money all the time as she doesn't want to feel like a gold digger, fair enough.

 

Dude.

 

She isn't have a "quarter-life crisis" - she's having an affair.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Dude.

 

She isn't have a "quarter-life crisis" - she's having an affair.

 

Agree. The family crisis is probably that he's cheating on his wife.

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Dude.

 

She isn't have a "quarter-life crisis" - she's having an affair.

 

 

I'm not one to jump on the cheating band wagon but yeah.. sounds like she is cheating, lack of sexual desire for him combined with her living with a guy.. wow!!

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Man, this really drove home how blind we can be when the situation is our own. The stuff about physical attraction made me think she was cheating and then you basically confirmed it without realizing it when you willingly moved out so she could move another man into a home you paid for.

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She has made a lot of rash poorly thought out decisions in her life: moving in with a man after knowing him 4 months; dropping out of school 'cause it made her depressed; not working after she dropped out. She is having a quarter life crisis in the sense that she thinks she was robbed of all the dumb stuff collegians do. Having worked as a waitress in a coffee shop knowing that if she just stuck out college for a little while longer she could have had a better career where she could support herself, it's all closing & in & she's acting out.

 

You unfortunately are the one getting hurt in all of this. That guy living in your house is also sleeping in your bed with your wife while you pay for all of it. You need to stop that right now. Get both of them out of there & you live there & do your hobbies while you talk to a divorce lawyer & figure out how much it's going to cost you to get out of this marriage. Don't be surprised that she's going to want a LOT because she helped put you through school so she has some claim on your degree & your future earnings.

 

What a mess.

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100% another person is involved. She is most likely engaging i sexual activity with another. If you let her walk all over you right now, you will always be the 2nd choice and your relationship will never recover. Now, regardless of what caused her to cheat,

 

1. It is not your fault.

2. IMHO, the only chance you have in ever recovering your relationship, you must file for divorce immediately.

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I'm sorry you find your self in this position. Your wife is immature. While you are married to her, she is NOT in a position to be married right now - and really never has been. She dropped out and is living with another man - roommate or not. That does NOT build closeness. You are still young and have alot of life ahead of you. Your current wife is a train wreck. I'm sorry but the sooner you divorce her the sooner you can move on. I was going to write that I'd tell her she has 24 hours to either decide to be your wife or not and move back in but on second thought the ship has sailed. Just be done with her as painful as that is. Do NOT have sex with her (you'll have to pay for a kid for 18 years that may not even be yours), do NOT incur any debt with her (and she could buy a car today that you'd owe 1/2 of), get out as absolutely quickly as possible.

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Wanna confirm what everyone is saying? Tell her you want to move back into your home. You really think it’s a coincidence that someone moved in after you agreed to leave? Jeez, did she even ask if it was OK to have another man move into your home? Wake up, my guy.

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El Duendecillo

OP, I've never thrown this term around before, but she is "cuckolding" you and playing you big time. Her behavior is not a reflection on you, but rather shows her poor character.

 

Yes. She is, and has been cheating on you for a while now.

 

If you really want to know the truth, it would be easy to verify.

 

You should move back into your home immediately, and ask her to leave.

 

 

Reading back over some of your older threads.. is this the same woman you spoke of in your previous threads back in 2011?

Edited by El Duendecillo
Skimmed OP's older threads
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Hello, and thank you for your replies.

 

I have always gone all in on my wife in our relationship since we got together, neither of us believe in divorce.

 

I willingly agreed to let this guy move in with her, as I have met him personally and have helped him out a few times. He is 60 years old with a physical disability and that needs a temporary place to stay for a few months. He works at the coffee shop part time and then lives on disability. He is the oldest of her group of 6 friends ranging from 19-60. The only reason I was more against him moving in was because I wanted her to feel me gone and miss me rather then be distracted by one of her friends.

 

I brought up with her that it looks bad if we just say another guy moved in after I moved out. She told her family about our situation and they are really pressuring her to figure things out. She told me if I do not trust her, then I can look at it logically as she has a lot more to lose then i do by cheating.

 

Aside from her not wanting to cheat as she still loves me, if she were to cheat and we do end up breaking up we have signed that she is not entitled to any of my income, and we would just sell the house and split the profit.

 

I can break up with her at any time and there were points we've both come close. I believe either way this will play out for better or worse in a few months. I feel like I have more to lose breaking up with her because our relationship has really enhanced my life overall. I would rather my heart get stomped and know the truth, then break up with her prematurely and wonder if I made the right decision. If our relationship does not work out, I know there are other women out there and it won't be hard for me to find someone new.

 

And please, do not look through my posts 8 years ago and think there is any relevance. It is not the same woman. I was hoping to receive support and that feels kind of like a witch hunt.

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Donovant - I am sorry to hear about your situation but I really don't see a good chance for it to improve. If you and your wife do not believe in divorce, then both of you should be working hard to preserve the marriage, and your wife is pulling it apart. I do not believe that separation is ever a good plan to save a marriage. I am sorry if everyone seems to be piling on, but in your case there does not seem to be a viable solution to save the marriage. I have read that sometimes filing for divorce will bring the wayward party to their senses.

 

Also, when you and your wife met, what interests did you have in common other than an aversion to alcohol and people who drink it to excess? That is not enough to build a relationship.

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Aside from her not wanting to cheat as she still loves me, if she were to cheat and we do end up breaking up we have signed that she is not entitled to any of my income, and we would just sell the house and split the profit.

 

Was this legally recorded as a prenup? Not sure where you live, but you might consult with an attorney to understand if the paper you have overrides local divorce law.

 

She started working at a coffee shop for fun and to make friends. Once she started there she slowly stopped being as close and intimate with me. She started texting all her work friends all the time and hanging out with them more. I started to feel resentful towards her, as first the sex stopped, then kissing, then hand holding. I tried to re-ignite the spark on her end by taking her out on dates, being romantic, surprising her with gifts or flowers, but nothing worked.

 

Been in the hospitality business all my life, and it's one of those high stress/adrenaline fields promoting a bond with your fellow workers. If she's good at her job, she's likely getting positive feedback and validation she doesn't receive through your relationship. Something to think about...

 

Mr. Lucky

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You can't save your marriage if your wife is going to live with another man. I would get a good divorce lawyer and protect yourself. Just because the man is 60 doesn't mean she isn't having an affair with him. He is probably her sugar daddy.

 

What are you getting out of this? If she were willing to work with you, there would be hope, but she has checked out and doesn't seem interested in getting back together.

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I think the question you have to ask yourself is "How exactly is living apart helping our marriage?" I understand that absence can make the heart grow fonder, but I don't think it's an effective way to actually solve relationship problems. How can you work on a problem together if you're not even together to try to work on it?

 

Your follow-up post makes me think she's possibly not cheating (though please don't rule it out just because of his age and what she TELLS you she would or wouldn't do), though I do think it's hit her that you two got together when you were barely adults. Some people start to look ahead and realize they can see the hypothetical finish line of life, and that scares the heck out of them. Obviously she's not concerned with her mortality, but with no college education and no real job prospects, coupled with her spending her entire twenties with the same man, I'll bet she's had rushes of "Is this all life is going to be?"

 

Obviously that's not really fair to you, as it sounds like her departing college was her decision and not something you pushed for. I don't know if she has clinical depression, but if not, her response to being in college and now how she's handling this situation with you shows that she's maybe a bit naive when it comes to facing adversity. You say you've both made sacrifices, but what sacrifices has she made? It sounds like she's gotten to do what she wishes and now she's realizing that often taking the path of least resistance doesn't always make for the most fulfilling life.

 

At any rate, if it's been a month, she should know what's what. It isn't fair to leave you twisting in the wind for this long while she sounds like she's out there enjoying her life. I know you want to be a good husband and supportive partner, but foregoing your own boundaries on a regular basis will not just leave you unsatisfied, it's also going to diminish her respect for you.

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I willingly agreed to let this guy move in with her, as I have met him personally and have helped him out a few times. He is 60 years old with a physical disability and that needs a temporary place to stay for a few months. He works at the coffee shop part time and then lives on disability. He is the oldest of her group of 6 friends ranging from 19-60. The only reason I was more against him moving in was because I wanted her to feel me gone and miss me rather then be distracted by one of her friends.

 

You're separated and don't live there but he can?

 

Aside from her not wanting to cheat as she still loves me, if she were to cheat and we do end up breaking up we have signed that she is not entitled to any of my income, and we would just sell the house and split the profit.

 

She loves you but is distant, no intimacy, etc, etc? Sounds like your projecting your feelings onto her. Her actions say different. Words don't mean much

 

Sounds like she's put you in limbo and for now you're content on keeping yourself there.

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Been in the hospitality business all my life, and it's one of those high stress/adrenaline fields promoting a bond with your fellow workers. If she's good at her job, she's likely getting positive feedback and validation she doesn't receive through your relationship. Something to think about...

 

working in a coffee shop is a high stress job?

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And please, do not look through my posts 8 years ago and think there is any relevance. It is not the same woman. I was hoping to receive support and that feels kind of like a witch hunt.

 

D, my intent, and I'm sure other's as well, is not to make you feel persecuted. I think you deserve to be told in a man to man way that I think your wife is involved with someone else...not neccesarily the 60 yr old disabled guy. IWhat you have described is not what a spouse should be going through. With that said, women do not love men they do not respect, and based on the actions you describe, it sounds like she is treating you like a doormat, hence not respecting you.

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You have to move back in & you two have to work together if this is going to be fixed. You living else where just teaches her she can live without you.

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I know you don’t believe she is cheating but she is showing every sign of cheating.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Moving a disabled "older" person in seems like a pretty good cover for cheating if you ask me. Why are you putting up with this?

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Hello again and thank you all for your replies. I appreciate everyone's input and perspective, and I do my best to read all of your comments with an open mind.

 

It's hard to fill in all the details of our relationship over a forum, but she shows me through her actions that she is trying to get our relationship to work again. So far, If i ever need to talk to her, she is available no questions asked. If i ever want to see her, she drops what she's doing to get together with me, no complaints, whether she feels like it will be a positive or negative experience. We've talked about our relationship a lot, maybe too much, and I know were both getting sick of it but we still do if either one of us is struggling.

 

I have had more problems with this situation obviously, who wouldn't right? I didn't want to move out initially, but it got to the point where the lack of intimacy started to seep into other areas of our relationship, and I started to feel resentful towards her. She could tell I was getting frustrated with her. I would ask her how hard is it to hold my hand, or kiss me once in awhile? She used to do it all the time. She tried initiating sex with me a few times before I moved out, as she didn't want me to leave and wanted these problems to go away, but she was dry and I could tell she wasn't into it. She was trying to fix things but that just made things more uncomfortable and me feel more rejected. She would then get defensive and feel like she would be on egg shells around me. Then we just started arguing all the time, and it became exhausting.

 

Moving out was a last resort for us, as we couldn't fix our problems still living together. With the rate of our arguments, we felt like we were letting this problem destroy everything that was good about our relationship.

 

She feels the lack of intimacy is from her losing her individuality in our relationship. I am the "successful" partner, and she had no friends, no job, little family, and an unfinished education. She didn't feel so much like we were two individuals in a relationship, but that she was an extension of me and that's it. I tell her we are a team and they aren't just my accomplishments, as she has given me a great deal of love and emotional + practical support for my career, but she told me she needs to feel that she can be her own person with her own identity. When she first started working at the coffee shop, when people would ask about her life she would talk about me a lot, but when people asked about her, she didn't really know what to say.

 

Boundaries and respect for me were brought up. She tells me she respects no one more than me. As for actions to back that up, never blowing me off, not asking for any money thus far, and coming to our relationship decisions mutually could be related to that. In this situation I struggle with that line myself. Some days I feel like a cuck, other days I feel like I'm a strong husband that is willing to do what most people won't to save his marriage. Some days I feel happy, other days I feel like my life is spiraling out of control. I'm trying my best to be patient with her and myself, and to think positively.

 

The major goal of living separately was to have more fun with each other again. We planned on going on more dates and getting together and doing fun things together, and letting things happen naturally just like when we first fell in love. Living apart would act on the limited availability and would hopefully add to re-igniting the spark. We did a lot of things "wrong" when we first got together, so we wanted to rebuild on a better foundation. So far the first month that hasn't happened, but it's been more arguing, planning & communicating what one needs from the other during this time. We thought we planned it out before I left, but emotions come up when we actually go through with it.

 

Another reason I agreed to let her friend stay with her is that I didn't want her to stay with me solely for financial security. Her friend is no sugar daddy as someone called it, as he works part time for minimum wage and collects disability, but with him living there and paying some expenses she doesn't feel like a gold digger asking me for money all the time. Although I would have preferred her to live by herself, if she did she wouldn't be able to afford things on her own, and I want her to feel like shes doing things herself, and that she can be her own person.

 

I am trying to distance myself from our relationship, as if I am over analyzing it everyday I'm just going to stress myself out. So far when I've gotten too stressed, I have gone to her for emotional support. She has been good with it, but at this point, she only gets to see me at my weakest, so I need a place to vent and a third party that isn't personally involved with us so that she can see more of the positive side of me.

 

With that said, I appreciate everyone's feedback and thank you for reading and taking the time to respond.

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El Duendecillo

OP, it's hard to gauge from the information that you are providing, whether you are in denial, or just projecting your own feelings to soften your wife's behavior. I mean you no disrespect by saying that.

 

A few huge Red Flags:

 

1. She cut you off romantically before you moved out, and withheld all intimacy from you.

 

2. She starts working, and falls in with a new group of friends.

 

3. She hangs, and goes out with these friends.

 

4. She invites these friends into your home, where 2 has drunken sex in your bathroom.

 

5. She has this man (regardless of age or physical disability) move in as a roommate.

 

A loving wife that truly respected her husband would not want to live apart until she rediscovers her love for him again. That is what marriage counseling is for. She knows that this separation is not what you wanted, yet she let you move out anyway. These are not the actions of a woman that respects her husband. In fact, the complete opposite sound true.

 

What are you looking for here exactly? I can tell you that were I in your position, I would be moving back home tonight. If she has a problem with that, then she should leave, and I'd be seeing an attorney tomorrow morning.

 

Whether you want to accept it or not, she is showing all of the signs of having an affair. On the odd chance that she's not, how long will it be before she hooks up with someone now that you are living elsewhere?

 

I'm sorry man, and I may be totally wrong here. But something just does not seem right with your wife's behavior. At a minimum, you may want to do some digging to rule out there isn't another man in the picture. Otherwise you may find yourself in this limbo until you are blindsided later.

Edited by El Duendecillo
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mark clemson

I'm very glad to hear she's (apparently) not cheating. You have little idea how rare that is around here when someone describes what you did. It's possible, but there's no direct evidence (some circumstantial though).

 

However:

 

She tried initiating sex with me a few times before I moved out, as she didn't want me to leave and wanted these problems to go away, but she was dry and I could tell she wasn't into it. She was trying to fix things but that just made things more uncomfortable and me feel more rejected. She would then get defensive and feel like she would be on egg shells around me. Then we just started arguing all the time, and it became exhausting.

 

How long do you want to let that continue?

 

Some days I feel like a cuck, other days I feel like I'm a strong husband that is willing to do what most people won't to save his marriage. Some days I feel happy, other days I feel like my life is spiraling out of control. I'm trying my best to be patient with her and myself, and to think positively.

How long do you want to let that continue?

 

So far the first month that hasn't happened, but it's been more arguing, planning & communicating what one needs from the other during this time. We thought we planned it out before I left, but emotions come up when we actually go through with it.

 

I am trying to distance myself from our relationship, as if I am over analyzing it everyday I'm just going to stress myself out.

And how long do you want to let that continue?

 

I didn't have a quote, but also how long do you want to let the "girls gone wild" stuff continue in your home with you not present?

 

You can give it more than a month, but you should realize that what you're trying isn't working. This might change, but I think it's not very likely to. Hope I'm wrong.

 

I think you should see an MC. I think you should realize that divorce may end up being the most sensible option in your case.

 

With that said, I appreciate everyone's feedback and thank you for reading and taking the time to respond.

It probably wasn't what you wanted to hear, but let's face it, your situation is not looking good ATM. FWIW, I'm sorry that you are in it.
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