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Living separately, encouragement appreciated.


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 11th April 2019, 2:24 AM   #1
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Living separately, encouragement appreciated.

Hello everyone, this is a bit of a rant about my current situation as I don't have anyone really to talk to about this.

I've been with my wife for a total of 7 years now, married for 2. We got together at 21, and moved in together after 4 months. At that point life hit us pretty hard as we were both broke university students living off loans and minimum wage.

We both made a lot of sacrifices to get to where we are. She quit school as it was making her depressed and we couldn't afford for both of us to graduate. I worked my butt off because it was about both of our futures and she was relying on me. We now own a modular home in a trailer park, and I now make enough money so we don't have to worry about money.

Through most of our relationship it wasn't fun. Lots of work, stress and sacrifice. We went through a lot together and learned to rely and love each other deeply. What we planned was to work hard and get established so we can have fun after and not be worried about our finances.

Once we were financially stable, and before we started changing our dynamic to do more together, She started working at a coffee shop for fun and to make friends. Once she started there she slowly stopped being as close and intimate with me. She started texting all her work friends all the time and hanging out with them more. I started to feel resentful towards her, as first the sex stopped, then kissing, then hand holding. I tried to re-ignite the spark on her end by taking her out on dates, being romantic, surprising her with gifts or flowers, but nothing worked.

She told me she wished she was still sexually attracted to me but for some reason she wasn't and she didn't know why. She said she thinks I am physically attractive and nothing changed about me, so it must be something wrong with her. I started to feel really resentful and upset, as I felt like she wasn't really making me a priority anymore. We started arguing more, and after a few months we both agreed I should move out and live separately as absence makes the heart grow fonder. Moving day we both cried our eyes out and it was one of the harder days of my life.

We've been living separately for a month now. She isn't living by herself in our home, but one of her much older male coworkers is living as a roommate that is going through a family crisis. If it were my way, she would be living alone, but I sacrificed my feelings so that she felt more secure financially, as she can charge him rent. She doesn't want to ask me for money all the time as she doesn't want to feel like a gold digger, fair enough.

She told me she feels like she's having a bit of a quarter life crisis and she is trying to make up for lost time having fun with friends. One of her friends from work was quitting, so the group of them all went to a pub last weekend. She told me 4/7 of them drank way too much. She said one of her friends puked in our yard, and friends of hers from work that are a new couple had drunk sex in our bathroom, but it was a really fun night for her. She told me she even drank a little.
When we first got together, we set a boundary in our relationship in the beginning no alcohol (she had alcoholic ex who was physically abusive, i had an alcoholic father in and out of rehab during my childhood). So when she told me I was hurt and upset. One for her violating a boundary, and the other for her drunk friends disrespecting our house. She said her view on alcohol has changed recently. She said she will rarely ever drink, and she only had two ounces of alcohol, but it was a way to let loose a little and make friends with people. She said she's responsible with it and it will and has not affected me at all and will continue to make sure of that. I told her I want her to be happy and I don't want to make her feel like she can't be herself, that I trust her with it, but I absolutely hate alcohol and we can't agree on it right now.

Right now I am feeling sad. I wish we could be enjoying our hard work together. I want to go on road trips, do new things together, have fun spontaneous date nights and just enjoy being together, but it feels like shes doing all of that with her friends instead, and has made me out to be the anti-fun husband that doesn't want to do anything as is overly judgmental. It is easy for our conversations to turn into an argument these days.

I am currently living in a furnished bedroom suite 10 minutes from my home. There's not enough space here for my old hobbies, but I'm trying not to feel like a victim, and focus on other activities. I'm reading a couple books per week, eating healthier food, go for a new hike every weekend, and am joining up with a boxing gym next week. I'm trying to relinquish control of the situation and just go along for the ride and trust her. Things feel like a mess right now, and of course I am hoping her attraction for me returns and we can continue with our lives together. I am trying to put my faith in God that he will do what's best for both of us.

Thank you for reading
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Old 11th April 2019, 3:26 AM   #2
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We've been living separately for a month now. She isn't living by herself in our home, but one of her much older male coworkers is living as a roommate that is going through a family crisis. If it were my way, she would be living alone, but I sacrificed my feelings so that she felt more secure financially, as she can charge him rent. She doesn't want to ask me for money all the time as she doesn't want to feel like a gold digger, fair enough.
Dude.

She isn't have a "quarter-life crisis" - she's having an affair.
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Old 11th April 2019, 8:14 AM   #3
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Dude.

She isn't have a "quarter-life crisis" - she's having an affair.
Agree. The family crisis is probably that he's cheating on his wife.
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Old 11th April 2019, 8:27 AM   #4
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Dude.

She isn't have a "quarter-life crisis" - she's having an affair.

I'm not one to jump on the cheating band wagon but yeah.. sounds like she is cheating, lack of sexual desire for him combined with her living with a guy.. wow!!
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Old 11th April 2019, 8:37 AM   #5
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Man, this really drove home how blind we can be when the situation is our own. The stuff about physical attraction made me think she was cheating and then you basically confirmed it without realizing it when you willingly moved out so she could move another man into a home you paid for.
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Old 11th April 2019, 9:04 AM   #6
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She has made a lot of rash poorly thought out decisions in her life: moving in with a man after knowing him 4 months; dropping out of school 'cause it made her depressed; not working after she dropped out. She is having a quarter life crisis in the sense that she thinks she was robbed of all the dumb stuff collegians do. Having worked as a waitress in a coffee shop knowing that if she just stuck out college for a little while longer she could have had a better career where she could support herself, it's all closing & in & she's acting out.

You unfortunately are the one getting hurt in all of this. That guy living in your house is also sleeping in your bed with your wife while you pay for all of it. You need to stop that right now. Get both of them out of there & you live there & do your hobbies while you talk to a divorce lawyer & figure out how much it's going to cost you to get out of this marriage. Don't be surprised that she's going to want a LOT because she helped put you through school so she has some claim on your degree & your future earnings.

What a mess.
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Old 11th April 2019, 9:17 AM   #7
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100% another person is involved. She is most likely engaging i sexual activity with another. If you let her walk all over you right now, you will always be the 2nd choice and your relationship will never recover. Now, regardless of what caused her to cheat,

1. It is not your fault.
2. IMHO, the only chance you have in ever recovering your relationship, you must file for divorce immediately.
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Old 11th April 2019, 9:32 AM   #8
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sorry

I'm sorry you find your self in this position. Your wife is immature. While you are married to her, she is NOT in a position to be married right now - and really never has been. She dropped out and is living with another man - roommate or not. That does NOT build closeness. You are still young and have alot of life ahead of you. Your current wife is a train wreck. I'm sorry but the sooner you divorce her the sooner you can move on. I was going to write that I'd tell her she has 24 hours to either decide to be your wife or not and move back in but on second thought the ship has sailed. Just be done with her as painful as that is. Do NOT have sex with her (you'll have to pay for a kid for 18 years that may not even be yours), do NOT incur any debt with her (and she could buy a car today that you'd owe 1/2 of), get out as absolutely quickly as possible.
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Old 11th April 2019, 9:50 AM   #9
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Wanna confirm what everyone is saying? Tell her you want to move back into your home. You really think itís a coincidence that someone moved in after you agreed to leave? Jeez, did she even ask if it was OK to have another man move into your home? Wake up, my guy.
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Old 11th April 2019, 10:04 AM   #10
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OP, I've never thrown this term around before, but she is "cuckolding" you and playing you big time. Her behavior is not a reflection on you, but rather shows her poor character.

Yes. She is, and has been cheating on you for a while now.

If you really want to know the truth, it would be easy to verify.

You should move back into your home immediately, and ask her to leave.


Reading back over some of your older threads.. is this the same woman you spoke of in your previous threads back in 2011?

Last edited by El Duendecillo; 11th April 2019 at 10:09 AM.. Reason: Skimmed OP's older threads
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Old 11th April 2019, 11:05 AM   #11
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Hello, and thank you for your replies.

I have always gone all in on my wife in our relationship since we got together, neither of us believe in divorce.

I willingly agreed to let this guy move in with her, as I have met him personally and have helped him out a few times. He is 60 years old with a physical disability and that needs a temporary place to stay for a few months. He works at the coffee shop part time and then lives on disability. He is the oldest of her group of 6 friends ranging from 19-60. The only reason I was more against him moving in was because I wanted her to feel me gone and miss me rather then be distracted by one of her friends.

I brought up with her that it looks bad if we just say another guy moved in after I moved out. She told her family about our situation and they are really pressuring her to figure things out. She told me if I do not trust her, then I can look at it logically as she has a lot more to lose then i do by cheating.

Aside from her not wanting to cheat as she still loves me, if she were to cheat and we do end up breaking up we have signed that she is not entitled to any of my income, and we would just sell the house and split the profit.

I can break up with her at any time and there were points we've both come close. I believe either way this will play out for better or worse in a few months. I feel like I have more to lose breaking up with her because our relationship has really enhanced my life overall. I would rather my heart get stomped and know the truth, then break up with her prematurely and wonder if I made the right decision. If our relationship does not work out, I know there are other women out there and it won't be hard for me to find someone new.

And please, do not look through my posts 8 years ago and think there is any relevance. It is not the same woman. I was hoping to receive support and that feels kind of like a witch hunt.
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Old 11th April 2019, 11:46 AM   #12
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Donovant - I am sorry to hear about your situation but I really don't see a good chance for it to improve. If you and your wife do not believe in divorce, then both of you should be working hard to preserve the marriage, and your wife is pulling it apart. I do not believe that separation is ever a good plan to save a marriage. I am sorry if everyone seems to be piling on, but in your case there does not seem to be a viable solution to save the marriage. I have read that sometimes filing for divorce will bring the wayward party to their senses.

Also, when you and your wife met, what interests did you have in common other than an aversion to alcohol and people who drink it to excess? That is not enough to build a relationship.
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Old 11th April 2019, 12:03 PM   #13
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Aside from her not wanting to cheat as she still loves me, if she were to cheat and we do end up breaking up we have signed that she is not entitled to any of my income, and we would just sell the house and split the profit.
Was this legally recorded as a prenup? Not sure where you live, but you might consult with an attorney to understand if the paper you have overrides local divorce law.

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She started working at a coffee shop for fun and to make friends. Once she started there she slowly stopped being as close and intimate with me. She started texting all her work friends all the time and hanging out with them more. I started to feel resentful towards her, as first the sex stopped, then kissing, then hand holding. I tried to re-ignite the spark on her end by taking her out on dates, being romantic, surprising her with gifts or flowers, but nothing worked.
Been in the hospitality business all my life, and it's one of those high stress/adrenaline fields promoting a bond with your fellow workers. If she's good at her job, she's likely getting positive feedback and validation she doesn't receive through your relationship. Something to think about...

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Old 11th April 2019, 2:12 PM   #14
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You can't save your marriage if your wife is going to live with another man. I would get a good divorce lawyer and protect yourself. Just because the man is 60 doesn't mean she isn't having an affair with him. He is probably her sugar daddy.

What are you getting out of this? If she were willing to work with you, there would be hope, but she has checked out and doesn't seem interested in getting back together.
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Old 11th April 2019, 2:23 PM   #15
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I think the question you have to ask yourself is "How exactly is living apart helping our marriage?" I understand that absence can make the heart grow fonder, but I don't think it's an effective way to actually solve relationship problems. How can you work on a problem together if you're not even together to try to work on it?

Your follow-up post makes me think she's possibly not cheating (though please don't rule it out just because of his age and what she TELLS you she would or wouldn't do), though I do think it's hit her that you two got together when you were barely adults. Some people start to look ahead and realize they can see the hypothetical finish line of life, and that scares the heck out of them. Obviously she's not concerned with her mortality, but with no college education and no real job prospects, coupled with her spending her entire twenties with the same man, I'll bet she's had rushes of "Is this all life is going to be?"

Obviously that's not really fair to you, as it sounds like her departing college was her decision and not something you pushed for. I don't know if she has clinical depression, but if not, her response to being in college and now how she's handling this situation with you shows that she's maybe a bit naive when it comes to facing adversity. You say you've both made sacrifices, but what sacrifices has she made? It sounds like she's gotten to do what she wishes and now she's realizing that often taking the path of least resistance doesn't always make for the most fulfilling life.

At any rate, if it's been a month, she should know what's what. It isn't fair to leave you twisting in the wind for this long while she sounds like she's out there enjoying her life. I know you want to be a good husband and supportive partner, but foregoing your own boundaries on a regular basis will not just leave you unsatisfied, it's also going to diminish her respect for you.
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