partner hates oral

[jerry59]

my partner does not like oral sex. i am very good at giving oral sex, so i know it is not me. how do i convince her that oral sex is a fantastic part of married life? my frustration on this matter is terrible. giving oral is very important to me, because i think it is very erotic and hot.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Hmmm. In your shoes I'd try to find something else that she *does* like and get good at this.

[whichwayisup]

Well, I understand your frustrations as my husband isn't too fond of oral sex. He does let me give him head, but he won't go down on me. Only three times in the past 5 of the 12 years we've been together has he done that.

 

You have two choices, work around it, and just go on doing what you're doing minus the oral sex...Accept it and just hope one day she will be comfy enough to let you go down on her. The other choice is, keep on pushing, she'll get pissed off at you and then you'll feel even more frustrated and hurt. Trust me on this one...

 

Lick her everywhere BUT that one area. Tease her, but don't say a word. Try that for a couple of weeks, my best bet is she'll be grabbing your head between her legs.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[jerry59]

3 times in the last five years is where i'm at, too.

my frustration about this is horrible.

[whichwayisup]

Okay, well telling her over and over again how much you want this isn't working.

 

Is there another reason why she may not like oral? Could it be past relationships? Or something from her childhood? Some sort of abuse? I ask this because I asked my H these things and his answer was pure honesty. "I just don't like it." Plain and simple.

 

Trust me, this is an extremely sore spot with me. I won't let this ruin our marriage, our life together ever. But there are times that I miss it so much...I hear of these men on LS who love to please their wives, in detail. It makes me sad to know I'M missing out on that part of my sexual relationship with my husband.

 

My past partners were incredible and it was something I deeply loved.

 

I don't know what else to say accept for a while, try to put it out of your head. Unfortunately there is no other way right now unless you are willling to end things with her...And I don't think you want to do that, do you...

[pearlsasinger]

Do you know what it is about oral that she doesn't like?

 

I know there was a time in my life I wasn't really into having a guy go down on me. I wasn't completely comfortable getting it yet and I just didn't think the guy was going to get me off that way. I was too sensitive in a way that it almost hurt so I would make him stop. Gradually, that changed after I found someone I was really comfortable with. Now I can't believe I ever didn't enjoy it.

 

Anyway, i guess different strokes for different folks...I think whichwayisup gives good advice.

[jerry59]

exactly! she says that she doesn't like it, and that she's too sensitive. i understand all that, but it leaves me incredibly frustrated. and yes, all my previous partners loved it when i gave them oral. and i loved it too. seems totally unfair!

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by pearlsasinger

Do you know what it is about oral that she doesn't like?

 

I know there was a time in my life I wasn't really into having a guy go down on me. I wasn't completely comfortable getting it yet and I just didn't think the guy was going to get me off that way. I was too sensitive in a way that it almost hurt so I would make him stop. Gradually, that changed after I found someone I was really comfortable with. Now I can't believe I ever didn't enjoy it.

 

Anyway, i guess different strokes for different folks...I think whichwayisup gives good advice.

 

Thank you for that.

 

It's not easy and there are times I think "why should I give you head once in while if you won't do it for me?" He doesn't ask for it, I just do it because I enjoy making him feel good. And it gets me going too.

 

Jerry, it is unfair but you have to accept things as they are otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy.

 

Does she let you touch her up there with your fingers? Sorry to be so personal...

It's just that if this is a comfort level thing, you need to take it very slow. Make her feel wonderful, sexy and desirable in bed. Make her feel good about her body and tell her you love every part of her. Maybe in time that could help you out.

[jerry59]

Make her feel wonderful, sexy and desirable in bed. Make her feel good about her body .

 

of course, that is part of the problem. my significant other's negative body image is a serious problem. little i can ever say about how good she looks makes any difference, because later in the day, or the next day, it's the same thing. she doesn't mind doing me at all. but i want more. and i hate being frustrated.

[whichwayisup]

She needs to gain self confidence and no matter HOW much you tell her how beautiful she is, that won't change until she sees herself in that light.

 

Does she have childhood issues that has made her feel this way? Maybe her mom didn't show her enough love, or her father discounted her. Maybe past things that happened to her in highschool or a bad relationship has made her self image low.

 

Suggest therapy? Would she be willing to go talk to someone? Just a suggestion...

 

Anyway, try not to feel so frustrated by this. I know it's hard for you(sorry for the pun! ) right now.

Give things a break - GO out and have fun together, forget about oral sex for a while.

[jerry59]

Good advice, of course.

We are seeing a therapist, and I should bring this up. I think I will.

[jerry59]

Good advice, of course.

We are seeing a therapist, and I should bring this up. I think I will.

[Horse]

I don't think it is unfair. Some women just don't like it. What if she really liked sticking dildos in her past lovers arses and they liked it too. Would you let her stick a dildo in your arse?

 

I think it sucks for you, but I don't think it unfair for her not to let you do something that she doesn't like.

 

 

If this is related to some issue that she can get sorted in therapy... then great. Otherwise it is something that you are just going to have to deal with.

 

 

I would think this is something that would have caused problems early in the relationship. Why is this an issue after more than 5 years together?

[Walk]

I just wanted to say.. I'm uncomfortable with men giving me oral. In the past I always just said no. Guy would try for 2 minutes, I'd make him stop. The reason I didn't like it might be reasons others don't.

 

I never feel "clean", and I'm uncomfortable with having someone's nose down there. Especially if I've been sweating all day, or lazy in showering.

 

I think it's got to be a pain in the ass for the guy, and I don't understand WHY he would find any enjoyment out of it. It makes no sense to me. (I'll give oral to a guy and love doing it, but why a man would want to on me seems weird. I don't know why.)

 

I'm concerned I won't come that way, and he'll have wasted his time and get frustrated because of it. I'm pretty touch and go on that stuff.

 

Frankly, it's never been a big turn on for me. No fantasy's related to it. No desire to have it.

 

So, what's helped me. (If these may be her problems) Reassurance! Tell her you LOVE it. That nothing will make you happier. Show her how happy it makes you to do this. You can't do it FOR her. You have to do it because you enjoy it. Keep proving that you accept her body, with all it's imperfections and flaws. She knows she doesn't look like Jennifer Aniston. She doesn't doesn't believe she's beautiful. She'll be more apt to accept a compliment of her beauty when it sounds like you are actually looking at her. Like I love the way your stomach kind of sticks out, I wish it did that more. (maybe I'm just crazy, but my b/f said this a couple times and I stopped being so self-conscious about my belly) or "I'm love the shape of your hips, I'd even be happy if they had more padding on them." Make up your own. I just know that when someone say's "your beautiful" I automatically discount it as a lie. I don't feel I am, and I think they are just saying it. Doesn't matter if they mean it or not.

 

So hopefully over time... and I mean months, not days. She'll probably become more and more comfortable with oral. She might never be as into it as much as you would like her too, but if it is somthing you enjoy doing, then accept the fact that some (maybe most) of the reason she does it is to make you happy. Never EVER hold this against her. Ever. That's about the cruellest most in-human thing you could ever do to her. To make her feel as if she's not pleasing you by not wanting to do something she's uncomfortable with.

 

okay. That's my two cents.

[Jolene]

Your comment that you are very good at oral, so you know it's not you is your perspective, but not necessarily her reality.

 

She already told you she finds the experience uncomfortable due to the sensitivity factor. So why can't you slow down, be softer, gentler and nicer in order to suit her needs? Is this an ego issue for you?

 

Ever heard of a "trophy orgasm"? This is when the guy goes down on you and is so eager to get you off because he is thinking of how eager that will make you want to do the same for him in return.

 

I used to hate giving oral, and was pretty indifferent to receiving it. I have a fabulous partner now, so it's not an issue, but I can certainly relate to what you are telling me.

 

First of all, when I was younger and used to meet a lot of immature men, I was of the opinion that they were only doing it because they felt they "had to", much like the reason I was reciprocating back to them. I guess I was doing a good job, but I was never too impressed with receiving, because it was such a bad job and a waste of time. Mainly because of the lack of experience on both sides and immaturity psychologically.

 

Now, I meet mature men (I am 35). I am getting married to a man who is 38. We are so good in the sack together at every level that I sometimes feel like I am in never never land. I love him so much and you want to believe I am all over doing for him and him for me...it is so great. What makes it even better is that I can see and feel that he is sooooooo into it! He tells me, groans and makes lots of noise but never hurts me. He knows how to be just rough enough without freaking me out, you know!? Ummmm....I do have to admit that there were a few months in the beginning where he was too rough, but one day I just lovingly said, "can you slow it down, I'm just so sensitive today that it hurts a bit like that." Ever since, he is perfect.

 

Abuse may or may not have anything to do with it. Even body image can be overcome. She really needs to believe that you are so into her. Are you? Really? If she is the problem and cannot overcome her own low self esteem, she will bring you down and that is all. Keep trying, but you might have to make a decision....without hurting her emotionally. Like, don't keep having s*x with her until you find someone else who rocks your socks off! So if you know you won't be happy, go and get happy!

[jerry59]

>If she is the problem and cannot overcome her own low self esteem, she will bring you down and that is all.

 

Thank you for your thoughts. I am concerned that this might be the case. Can you explain more? How do I know? I am terribly confused about all of this.

[Jolene]

Jerry,

 

Does she have orgasms during intercourse? If so, then you need to find a way to slow it down and be more gentle and patient patient patient with oral. It's only the men who really cared for me and really really wanted me to feel good that were any good at it. Women typically are more psychological when it comes to s*x.

 

If on the other hand, nothing you ever do makes her happy, she is just not ready to believe in herself and let loose. Some girls have a weird subliminal feeling that they don't deserve to be loved, and it all spills over. Do you want to deal with that? When she is ready to be open and honest, you will find out what is going on for sure. Get her to really speak.

 

Or....buy her a vibrator and see what happens. But don't let it become a replacement for you, ha ha ha!

[jerry59]

Jolene,

Yes, she does.

We are in MC, but I think she should be in IC.

Thank you for your posts.

[whichwayisup]

I'm glad that you two are doing MC, and you're right, she does need some one on one therapy. Maybe bring it up during MC?? Just a suggestion. It will help her with these issues and self esteem.

[Presario]

You suggest therapy. You also say that she must be reassured that she's great. But by suggesting therapy you say "there is something wrong with you, woman. go and see a doctor". Is this going to help?

 

My wife isn't fond of receiving oral. She has never given me any, and she says she won't. That's it. I accept this.

[JamesM]

I am in a se* drought right now, but in the past my wife loved oral. I do remember though that if I focused too much on giving it, she felt like I wanted to give it just because it gave me pleasure.

 

Maybe if you concentrate in pleasing her the way she wants to be pleased, she will be encouraged to try new things. For example, if she thought that you should get great pleasure from getting your nipples sucked, but you had to keep telling her no, this didn't do for you what it did for her, how would it make you feel if she kept at it and at it? "Maybe you should see a counsellor to see why you don't like getting your nipples sucked? I get great pleasure from it, you should too. And it makes me feel good when I do it to you."

 

I can really appreciate where you are coming from, because that is my favorite part of s*x (and it has been over a year since I "got" to do it), but I think maybe focusing on her desires may change your lovemaking.

 

I am not intending to criticise your abilities...I truly have been in a similar situation.

[lilmoma1973]

 

Wow can't believe a woman would enjoy oral !!! I love it and it is very erotic and exotic to see your man is sheer pleasure and about to explode.. As for me love the tounge action lots !!! I am so sorry you haven't been getting it.. Make her feel good about her body image and it might change for you... Hope she changes her mind ....