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Am I being overly sensitive or is my marriage in trouble?


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I would appreciate feedback on a recent event and how I should handle it.

 

I have been married for 17+ years and together for 22. We have two children together, 13 and 15, and are a sweet, caring family but my wife and I have gone through a difficult period - job changes, some financial challenges, etc. But in general, we seem to be handling things and overcoming our obstacles together.

 

Last year we were experiencing some real issues and at one point my wife mentioned that she had gotten together with a former male work colleague. She mentioned it to me after the fact and stated that she just wanted to learn details about how he had been abruptly terminated by her company. This made sense to me, but I was struck that this was 7 months since his departure and I was also aware that he had recently gone through a divorce. My wife mentioned that he was caught be surprise by his termination and then spoke more about his personal life as a divorced guy, with a young son and wanting to date younger women who were athletic and didn’t have kids of their own. She seemed disappointed...and maybe a little hurt (my perception) that he wasn’t interested in her. She didn’t say this but it was my read. That was it. She just let it go.

 

Weeks went buy and I reflected on the challenging state of our marriage. We talked about marriage counseling but didn’t take any steps. We would have an occasional date night, but we seemed to be just going through the motions.

 

I started reflecting on her comments about the meeting with her co-worker and how the meeting came to be 7 months after his departure. Had they been in touch, had they been dating, ... One day I found myself sitting next to her computer and I started to type his name into her email client and found several emails between them pop up - like 15. They all had to do with what appeared to be their one get together over a glass of wine in a restaurant and there no follow up emails. However, there was a certain amount of enthusiasm for getting together - personal emails were shared and my wife provided her mobile number. It looked like the beginning of something, but then it appeared to stop.

 

Jump ahead several months and I was buying a few things for my wife for valentines day this year for her and I started thinking about her previous meeting with this guy. The day before valentines day I checked her email and found an email thread between them that had started the previous month with him asking her if she was interested in getting a glass of wine together. She responded several days later apologizing for her delayed response and asking him if he was still interested in getting together, promising to find a day or time to meet. He responded very quickly, “great to hear from you ... I would love to get together with you.”. Again, she was slow to respond but put off the meeting due to work.

 

She is not saying “no” to him, but she is clearly expressing interest in getting together.

 

Our marriage seems to be doing better, but this is clearly a problem that I need to confront. I hate the fact that I’ve checked her email and know about this exchange. I did bring up the fact that she had told me about her meeting with this guy after the fact and seemed disappointed in the things that he shared with her. She stated that it just happened and she was disappointed that he was so shallow.

 

I’ve given her room to figure this out. I haven’t relished admitting to reading her emails or telling her that she can’t date someone if this what she wants to do. If it’s what she wants, then we’re finished ... obviously.

 

I clearly need to bring this to a head so that we can move forward one way or the other, but I do not want to overreact. It appears to be one meeting and in many ways, we seem to be doing much better. I have raised marriage counseling before and she’s been open to it but has never made much effort.

 

Would be interested in thoughts, impressions and any guidance.

 

Thanks, Warwick

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I don’t think you are being overly sensitive.

 

I’m not saying that she has done anything inappropriate, but its not hard to imagine that she has been flirting with the idea. It’s that old saying, “those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.”

 

There are many on this site who will advise you not to say anything, to be vigilant and collect evidence because if you tip her off, she will go underground and you will never know. They may have already done that after the last email, they may be using burner phones or messaging apps... you just don’t know.

 

Myself, I would probably approach it directly. I would insist on marriage counselling, tell her where you stand regarding extramarital relationships with other men, and ask if there is anything she needs to tell you... Then, it’s her decision... she can either get on-board, or I would be done.

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Go online and check your phone bill. Look at the data. Texts/calls. What does it tell you?

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Myself, I would probably approach it directly. I would insist on marriage counselling, tell her where you stand regarding extramarital relationships with other men, and ask if there is anything she needs to tell you... Then, it’s her decision... she can either get on-board, or I would be done.

 

Agree with Bailey, I'm not into playing amateur detective with my marriage on the line. Many troubling aspects here, including her secrecy when none really necessary. Had she said, "I'm getting together with Joe to catch up", no big deal. But she didn't...

 

I'd tell her "Something about your wistful tone in mentioning Joe reinforced in my mind the need to work on our marriage. Have you seen or talked to him since then? I made an appointment for us to start counseling next week". And then see what she does.

 

If she doesn't mention the plans to meet a second time, it would be the first thing I'd discuss in MC...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Since she didn’t tell you - and has been keeping it a secret - yes it’s a problem!!!

 

 

Check your phone bill now!

 

She could have told you before she went - she also could have invited you - the fact that she didn’t is a huge problem. She is interested in him!

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Thanks for the feedback. Very helpful. I know I’ve got an issue to deal with here. I’ve been waiting to see what she does, but it’s taking too much energy and starting to aggravate me.

 

Funny. Just before valentine’s day I suggested we read and follow a book called 8 Dates, a form of self-directed manage counseling. The first chapter is Trust and Commitment and we’re supposed to do it next week. Don’t think it’s going to go too well.

 

Sounds like marriage counseling is a must.

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BTW, I've checked texts and haven't found any but hadn't thought to check the mobile phone records which I'll do when I'm back home tomorrow.

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If there is something amiss the chances of getting the truth by directly asking is close to zero. If there is something going on jumping into MC won't get you much either. People do tend to lie a lot.

 

Do yourself a favor and take 15 minutes to go online and check your phone bill.

 

At least you can either address it or rule it out.

 

Not knowing what you're actually dealing with isn't going to help you much.

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BTW, I've checked texts and haven't found any but hadn't thought to check the mobile phone records which I'll do when I'm back home tomorrow.

 

Good. It's an easy check to make sure you know what you're dealing with.

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I did learn, when I read through her texts, that my wife had a couple of Botox treatments that she never told me about. She had asked me my opinion of them at one point, informing me that a number of her friends had gotten them. I told her that she didn't need then and was aging beautifully and gracefully without them. Guess this my advice wasn't good enough. She turns 50 this year.

 

Beginning to think that the best gift I can give her is her freedom.

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Beginning to think that the best gift I can give her is her freedom.

 

Oh Please! Stop being overly dramatic. Just talk to your wife. Work through the book. Ask her about her relationship with the former coworker. Then LISTEN. If she isn't honest, address that.

 

FWIW, she probably feels like an aging, ugly woman right now. Our society does that to women as we age. She probably isn't looking for an affair; she just needs an ego boost. Yes, it's a problem, but you don't need to burn down the house to kill a mouse.

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No the best gifts you can give her are your time & attention.

 

When was the last time you took her out for a glass of wine? Heck, you didn't even notice she had Botox. She did it in part to get your attention & you didn't even notice. I'm not saying she cheated but if she did you are practically pushing her out the door. That is no excuse for cheating. Breaking up before cheating is always better but there are two sides to this. You can fix it if you make the effort. Rather then throw in the towel, get MC.

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Good advice...and good to get a women's perspective on this.

 

I'm going to take a breather on playing Sherlock Holmes and focus on our upcoming date night. I think this is about an ego boost but I'll be open minded, attentive and will LISTEN.

 

we've actually been spending a lot of quality time together lately which is why this caught me by surprise.

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I think your first impression there that she is disappointed he isn't interested in her is correct. She probably had a work crush and so she followed up after he left the company. I doubt seriously that anything at all physically went on. I just think he appreciated someone cared he left the company, as we all would (and usually people don't care). So he's viewing her as a friend. But now that she knows he's "shallow" for not being interested in her, she's kind of off of him, it sounds like, as if she understands the reality there. Still, this is an issue you two need to do counseling about. Not insurmountable, but reason to worry, certainly. Good luck.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I did learn, when I read through her texts, that my wife had a couple of Botox treatments that she never told me about.

 

Maybe she wanted you to notice how beautiful and youthful she now looks! Typical man, doesn't notice ;). (I kid, I kid...)

 

I think your marriage is at a precipice right now. She's considering cheating, probably for the ego boost like you said. Suck it up and tell her you've read the exchanges....nip it in the bud....go to counseling. Rekindle. There's no reason this has to go any further.

 

Good luck!

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mark clemson

Although it's less than 100% honest, CONSIDER somehow accidentally stumbling across the emails, possibly even right in front of her somehow.

 

This may make it easier to broach the real topic, which clearly needs discussion, without her having the option to complain about your snooping and making that an issue to distract from her actions.

 

In an ideal world, marriages would never need "work" to keep them together. We don't live in an ideal world.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Way back when, I knew my exH was "dabbling" in adult friend finder type sites and was too embarrassed to admit I was snooping to confront him. When he actually DID cheat and I confronted him with what I knew he was furious at me for "not stopping him sooner." It wasn't an issue of "why did you snoop?" It was "why didn't you care enough about our marriage to tell me you knew what I was doing?"

 

Just food for thought.

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Way back when, I knew my exH was "dabbling" in adult friend finder type sites and was too embarrassed to admit I was snooping to confront him. When he actually DID cheat and I confronted him with what I knew he was furious at me for "not stopping him sooner." It wasn't an issue of "why did you snoop?" It was "why didn't you care enough about our marriage to tell me you knew what I was doing?"

 

Just food for thought.

This is a different perspective and interesting advice that I'm going to follow by being direct and bringing up what I know and the concerns that I have and then I'll LISTEN closely to what she has to say.

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whichwayisup

Sounds like she is enjoying an ego feed. She hasn't slept with the guy, right? He is giving her attention and she is loving it....But she isn't acting on it.

 

DO marriage counseling. Both of you need to put in 100 percent effort. Learn to communicate and listen to one another. Bring the other guy issue up in counseling so it's a safe place and she won't feel the need to snap at you. Having the therapist there will help both of you handle things in a healthy way.

 

No more talk of letting her go. You two fell in love and got married. Try to remember the reasons why and reconnect.

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Way back when, I knew my exH was "dabbling" in adult friend finder type sites and was too embarrassed to admit I was snooping to confront him. When he actually DID cheat and I confronted him with what I knew he was furious at me for "not stopping him sooner." It wasn't an issue of "why did you snoop?" It was "why didn't you care enough about our marriage to tell me you knew what I was doing?"

 

Just food for thought.

 

That’s seriously cruel and mean.

 

Talk about someone who isn’t taking responsibility for the way they participate.

 

That’s sickening.

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Mrs._December
Good advice...and good to get a women's perspective on this.

 

I'm going to take a breather on playing Sherlock Holmes and focus on our upcoming date night. I think this is about an ego boost but I'll be open minded, attentive and will LISTEN.

 

we've actually been spending a lot of quality time together lately which is why this caught me by surprise.

And the likely reason she didn't tell you about the Botox is that she didn't do it for YOU. She likely did it to look more attractive because she's got this guy on her mind and wants to look her best. Let's not forget how saddened she was when he supposedly told her that he wants to date younger women. Maybe that's why she didn't tell you about the Botox, so you wouldn't put 2+2 together. It ain't rocket science.

 

A self-help 'marriage counseling' book isn't really going to do much except, of course, make the author rich when you buy it. You need to start doing some serious snooping and stop thinking one date or a self help book is going to solve what she's got going on with her 'friend.'

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I wouldn't say that you read the emails or that you are aware of anything. I would just start being her BOYFRIEND again and quick. Do the little things that boyfriends do when they are trying to "get' the girl. Say the nice compliments, take her out to places you don't normally go (maybe a comedy club, etc). Plan a weekend away just the two of you.

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BTW, this forum is pretty amazing. I've been impressed with the quality of comments and advice. I'm glad that I found it. This is not a subject that I was comfortable speaking to normal everyday friends about.

 

Regarding her botox treatments, she had discussed this with me a few times. Her focus were wrinkles in her forehead that she thought made her look old. She works at a young tech company where the average age is probably 15 years her junior and she's been concerned about her age there. I told her that she looked great and was aging beautifully and gracefully. I've always told her this -- it might be the "aging" part that she is sensitive to. So yes, she may have done this for someone else, but I do think that she was feeling age pressure at work, which I understand. Young tech companies can be particularly brutal to older (over 40) people, particularly women. And the company that she works for now is run by a few young guys that are completely clueless and seem brutal to their employees at times, like when they fired her coworker a few days before xmas in 2017.

 

Ironically, I have been really focused on being a thoughtful partner and loving spouse. Granted, there were times when I first discovered the emails regarding their first and only (to the best of my knowledge and indications) meeting when I would get angry and snappy, but when I saw the exchange this year I decided to focus on showing her as much love and affection as was possible and it seemed to work.

 

Her first meeting with this guy was in June of last year, 2018. Then the email activity stopped completely. This was also the time that she mentioned the meeting to me.

 

The second email thread started in Jan of this year when he reached out to her asking if she was interested in getting together for coffee or a gl of wine. She took 10 days to respond, indicating that she was open to getting together. He responded immediately, that it was "great to hear from you" and would "love to get together". This time she never never responded to him. He then sent a message approx a month later asking her to meet for a gl of wine. She simply replied that she was really busy and wouldn't be able to do it until things calmed down for her. He suggested they target the end of March. Again, she didn't reply.

 

During this whole period I have been focused on being very attentive, loving and thoughtful -- basically the kind of partner that I should always focus on being. So, it's been an interesting journey.

 

Don't get me wrong, at the same time I've checking her emails and wondering what her next step was going to be, which is kind of #%^#ed up.

 

I go back and forth with the timing and decision to admit to playing sherlock holmes on this whole episode. But as good as things seem between us right now, it would be wrong to not address this issue directly.

 

As always, thanks again for the comments and advice.

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The guy is fishing it sounds like. If it were me I'd address it in a cool calm manner.

 

I'd rather do that than perhaps be sorry later. None of us are perfect but if you have to worry about having a bad day and that causing her interest to peak with another it's not a life you want to have.

 

I'm sure your wife isn't perfect either. When she has a bad day do you seek out someone else? See the difference?

 

For the most part women think platonic but men rarley do. Meeting one on one is more of a date. Even if she doesn't think it OM will.

 

Do yourself a big favor and get a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Glass

 

If you have seen, been around infidelity this senario plays out all the time. Good marriages, bad marriages, etc.

 

A good marriage takes work, proper boundaries and above all great communication.

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A lot think that by nicing her or playing the "pick me dance" works. It rarley does.

 

It's impossible to compete with a fantasy. You live together where you deal with day to day living, paying bills, keeping the home, kids, etc.

 

An affair is all good. Just pure fun without any commitment or day to day life. An affair is a break from reality.

 

I'd rather deal with a snooping issue than what could happen. That is a whole other ballgame you don't want any part off.

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