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Am I being overly sensitive or is my marriage in trouble?


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 9th April 2019, 7:33 PM   #31
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Well-handled, and good call on doing it during a walk too. It would have kept your heads clear and also avoided body language that could have given off vibes of offence and defence.
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Old 9th April 2019, 7:45 PM   #32
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I came away from our talk feeling much better about our relationship and ability to handle things like this.

I make the point of saying, next time let me know before you decide to meet with a divorced guy. She acknowledged this and simply pointed out that she didn't know that he was going through a divorce until she met with him. He was married when they worked together and was terminated by their company. She then told me about the meeting and mentioned that he was divorced or going through a divorce. Which, upon reflection, I realized was the case.

She asked me about reading her emails but seemed to understand, given the circumstances.

Overall, she was very cool about the whole thing and seemed to understand that I only did it because I was concerned and really care about us. I even told her about using an online forum for feedback on the matter and she asked if I was going to update everyone about the outcome.

She might have been a little amused by the whole thing. I'm relieved that it's off my shoulders. Trust is key. You can't know everything. People need a little space. I learned a lot from the whole event.

Thanks for everyone's help. I look forward to helping others on this forum and am glad not put so much energy into this any longer ... or until the next issue, should and when it arises.
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Old 9th April 2019, 11:36 PM   #33
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Glad it turned out well. There can be a little bit of marital McCarthyism on this site, some posters see an OM lurking under every bed. Good thing you had the open lines of communication, not every couple does...

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Old 10th April 2019, 12:49 PM   #34
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I get it. For every potential OM in a relationship there's a OW lurking in the shadows It comes with the territory of managing these long term relationships I guess.

It wasn't lost on me that when I told my wife at the beginning of our walk that I had something that I wanted to talk to her about, one of her first questions was, "did you have an affair?". WOW!

We clearly need have some active communication to do.
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Old 4th July 2019, 11:56 AM   #35
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What's the best way to reset and rekindle a long term marriage and relationship ?

My wife and I are doing much better, but I would really like to take things to the next level, above what we established as the status quo over the years as we've been through some hard times - including both financial and health issues. Fortunately we are in a much better place now. Looking back, I believe our marriage was on the verge of being over and I want to take the steps to raise the bar.

My goal is to commit to focusing more on the things that make my wife feel loved and appreciated by having regularly scheduled dates, planning romantic get-aways and getting our actual house in order -- all of which we are making good progress with. We took a trip to Napa last month for her birthday and are planning to go to Europe with the kids next summer to visit our friends who are in the process of moving to London.

Any additional ideas would be appreciated.

With this said, I recently upgraded our wireless plan to unlimited due to our kids consuming too much data. When I was going through our plan I noticed several texts on my wife's phone at night to a number that I didn't recognize. When I googled it I learned that it is the number for a guy that is a coworker from a company she worked at 4 years ago. They were always good friends, so I don't think too much of it. When I checked the text/call records I found several more text messages from over a year ago, but there were a lot more, including a group of 12 messages that took place after 12:30am one morning. This definitely caught my eye.

This is a guy that she worked with closely in a pretty intense situation. They seemed to have each other's back during this period, which included some business travel, including int'l I never suspected anything, but did watch it. My concern is that their relationship may have become a more emotional relationship when we were going through our tough period a year+ ago.

My question is, does this even matter now? I tend to think I should just focus on the future and our efforts to build a better relationship, though I'm tempted to take a look at last week's exchange that took place when my wife was on the east coast with our kids for a trip to visit family.

Any thoughts or feedback appreciated ....THX.
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Old 4th July 2019, 2:51 PM   #36
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Now we get to the heart of things... Seriously, I get the vibe that your wife isn't physically cheating on you, but she likes to dabble in sketchy behaviors. I think she gets her excitement from forming these clandestine relationships, but she knows where her bread is being buttered, and she probably feels that she can keep control over things. You are being kept out of the loop because that is what makes it so exciting - that no matter what, you are going to be there to give her a soft landing. If I'm right, then the reason she was so calm the first time you confronted her was because she had already gone over things in her mind and had formed a plan to mollify you and keep things stable for her. She stuck to the script. It worked. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do that will improve things. Being nice to her is just going to embolden her. Confronting her will just get you more of what she gave you the first time around. All you can do is to keep a watchful eye out for discrepant events, and be prepared to act on a plan you have formulated which she has no control over, and to save your relationship, you must be prepared to loose it... sorry I don't have anything more positive for you. Good luck.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 5th July 2019 at 7:14 AM.. Reason: quote removed
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Old 4th July 2019, 7:33 PM   #37
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Exactly. Unfortunately I think your assessment is an accurate one. I'm not trying to kid myself here. There's clearly a problem here. I'm just trying to balance myself a little bit so I stay reasonably positive and don't fly off the handle to give us the best chance to consider potential solutions. This doesn't mean that I won't ultimately fly off the handle or come to the decision that the marriage is too broken to save.

It looks like there was a year there where they weren't texting, but who knows what else was going on.

I do think that she reached a point around Feb of 2018 when she thought our marriage was over. Actually, I don't think this, she told me this. We had an argument after dinner and a few drinks and she, "**** you, i'm done with you." It was shocking to me at the time but quite clear. She later said that she didn't mean it, then later tried to change what she said, but I heard her clearly.

There's a good chance that she simply started acting as if the marriage was over. It certainly looks like most of this texting activity took place a year ago.

But one way or the either I need to address this. It's no way to live.
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Old 4th July 2019, 8:32 PM   #38
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Is this former coworker the same one as in your previous thread (now merged with this new one) that she had a glass of wine with?
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Old 4th July 2019, 8:39 PM   #39
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No, this is a different guy. She worked with this guy 4-5 years ago and they became pretty good friends. He's married, or was last i heard, and has a son.

The guy she met for the drink June of 2018 worked with her at her current company but was terminated. I do not believe there has been any direct contact between them since then, which seemed confirmed when we randomly ran into him one day. He was going through a divorce when they met.
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Old 4th July 2019, 9:17 PM   #40
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Quote:
Originally Posted by warwick View Post
But one way or the either I need to address this. It's no way to live.
I think you're conflating two different things - the staleness in your marriage and the need to stay connected and network to advance one's career.

Staring with the latter, my wife was in sales before she took a sabbatical and has stayed in touch with a number of ex-coworkers and associates, both male and female. It's just part of the game in many fields today.

As far as you marriage goes, think you're on the right track. Focus on being a good partner, prioritize her needs and keep the communication open. Not sure this is as dire as some painting it...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 5th July 2019, 7:47 AM   #41
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Trust but Verify
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Old 5th July 2019, 10:08 AM   #42
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It's one thing to lightly flirt with men in her job environment and quite another to become emotionally invested (and yet another to have a PA). That said, you are the one married to her and who decides what your boundaries and comfort levels are.

I agree that she's unlikely to level with you about much if any of this - too much risk and she doesn't get to have whatever her fun is any more.

It does sounds like she had temporarily checked out of the marriage or at least considered it (the bleep you I'm done conversation). Clearly she changed her mind about that.

I would think that the spouse's view of a friendship overrides the friendship. In other words, if you say you're uncomfortable with a specific friendship, she should be willing to lose that specific friend (since it's just a friend). However, it's very hard to really know what may or may not be going on in a work situation.

Consider having an earnest conversation about how you feel. Be sure to maintain dignity/be strong while expressing your feelings and concerns. If you have this conversation, I think you want to be quite cautious - you want her on your side, not defensive, if at all possible. You want to rock the boat just enough to get it back on course, but not too much IMO. So a bit tricky to do.
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Old 5th July 2019, 11:57 AM   #43
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This is very good advice. Thank you.

It is indeed a tricky question and a balancing act. Iíve been with my wife for 23 years and married for almost 18. It was only the last year that I have had to deal with this crap. And it sucks. It canít continue and have us stay healthy and together. We need a reset and a clear discussion regarding trust, commitment and boundaries for our personal behavior. We went through a difficult period and she may have concluded that we werenít going to make it, but health and money issues were overcome and now we need to reset the bar regarding respect and commitment. I think we have enough going for us to do this, but I am not taking this for granted.

I know for a fact that I canít accept this lack of trust as a new norm. Iím going to gather a few more key facts and then have this discussion with her. She returns home today after 11 days on the east coast with our two kids, so this probably wonít happen until early next week. I hate to say it, but I feel the need to look at the text exchange with this former coworker to determine whatís going on here. But I hate doing this crap! Itís no way to live.

Thanks again!!
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Old 5th July 2019, 12:10 PM   #44
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And to be clear, I do not have a problem with my wife having a friendship with a male coworker, current or former. But I do have a problem with her having a text exchange with him after midnight that involves 9 texts going back and forth. There could be a valid reason for this but find it doubtful.

I also have a problem with her pursuing a drink with a former coworker who is going through a divorce and with whom she seemed to have very little connection with during their work time together. And only mentioning the meeting after the fact.

One of my concerns here is that none of this would have come out if she hadnít mentioned that one meeting after the fact. It set all this discovery in motion, so my concern is that she concludes that she shouldnít share things with me, but this would be a bad and unhealthy conclusion and precedent.
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Old 5th July 2019, 12:33 PM   #45
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Do a little research on the guy. Look at his Facebook, instagram......any social media he might be on. Maybe youíll get lucky and see something he was doing the night of the texting. When you have an opportunity, check your wifeís phone. See what was so important that text exchanges occurred so late at night.
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