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Am I being overly sensitive or is my marriage in trouble?


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Old 7th April 2019, 2:28 PM   #16
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Although it's less than 100% honest, CONSIDER somehow accidentally stumbling across the emails, possibly even right in front of her somehow.

This may make it easier to broach the real topic, which clearly needs discussion, without her having the option to complain about your snooping and making that an issue to distract from her actions.

In an ideal world, marriages would never need "work" to keep them together. We don't live in an ideal world.
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Old 7th April 2019, 2:47 PM   #17
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Way back when, I knew my exH was "dabbling" in adult friend finder type sites and was too embarrassed to admit I was snooping to confront him. When he actually DID cheat and I confronted him with what I knew he was furious at me for "not stopping him sooner." It wasn't an issue of "why did you snoop?" It was "why didn't you care enough about our marriage to tell me you knew what I was doing?"

Just food for thought.
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Old 7th April 2019, 11:19 PM   #18
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Way back when, I knew my exH was "dabbling" in adult friend finder type sites and was too embarrassed to admit I was snooping to confront him. When he actually DID cheat and I confronted him with what I knew he was furious at me for "not stopping him sooner." It wasn't an issue of "why did you snoop?" It was "why didn't you care enough about our marriage to tell me you knew what I was doing?"

Just food for thought.
This is a different perspective and interesting advice that I'm going to follow by being direct and bringing up what I know and the concerns that I have and then I'll LISTEN closely to what she has to say.
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Old 8th April 2019, 2:09 AM   #19
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Sounds like she is enjoying an ego feed. She hasn't slept with the guy, right? He is giving her attention and she is loving it....But she isn't acting on it.

DO marriage counseling. Both of you need to put in 100 percent effort. Learn to communicate and listen to one another. Bring the other guy issue up in counseling so it's a safe place and she won't feel the need to snap at you. Having the therapist there will help both of you handle things in a healthy way.

No more talk of letting her go. You two fell in love and got married. Try to remember the reasons why and reconnect.
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Old 8th April 2019, 3:05 AM   #20
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Way back when, I knew my exH was "dabbling" in adult friend finder type sites and was too embarrassed to admit I was snooping to confront him. When he actually DID cheat and I confronted him with what I knew he was furious at me for "not stopping him sooner." It wasn't an issue of "why did you snoop?" It was "why didn't you care enough about our marriage to tell me you knew what I was doing?"

Just food for thought.
Thatís seriously cruel and mean.

Talk about someone who isnít taking responsibility for the way they participate.

Thatís sickening.
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Old 8th April 2019, 9:29 AM   #21
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Good advice...and good to get a women's perspective on this.

I'm going to take a breather on playing Sherlock Holmes and focus on our upcoming date night. I think this is about an ego boost but I'll be open minded, attentive and will LISTEN.

we've actually been spending a lot of quality time together lately which is why this caught me by surprise.
And the likely reason she didn't tell you about the Botox is that she didn't do it for YOU. She likely did it to look more attractive because she's got this guy on her mind and wants to look her best. Let's not forget how saddened she was when he supposedly told her that he wants to date younger women. Maybe that's why she didn't tell you about the Botox, so you wouldn't put 2+2 together. It ain't rocket science.

A self-help 'marriage counseling' book isn't really going to do much except, of course, make the author rich when you buy it. You need to start doing some serious snooping and stop thinking one date or a self help book is going to solve what she's got going on with her 'friend.'
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Old 8th April 2019, 11:10 AM   #22
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I wouldn't say that you read the emails or that you are aware of anything. I would just start being her BOYFRIEND again and quick. Do the little things that boyfriends do when they are trying to "get' the girl. Say the nice compliments, take her out to places you don't normally go (maybe a comedy club, etc). Plan a weekend away just the two of you.
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Old 8th April 2019, 1:31 PM   #23
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BTW, this forum is pretty amazing. I've been impressed with the quality of comments and advice. I'm glad that I found it. This is not a subject that I was comfortable speaking to normal everyday friends about.

Regarding her botox treatments, she had discussed this with me a few times. Her focus were wrinkles in her forehead that she thought made her look old. She works at a young tech company where the average age is probably 15 years her junior and she's been concerned about her age there. I told her that she looked great and was aging beautifully and gracefully. I've always told her this -- it might be the "aging" part that she is sensitive to. So yes, she may have done this for someone else, but I do think that she was feeling age pressure at work, which I understand. Young tech companies can be particularly brutal to older (over 40) people, particularly women. And the company that she works for now is run by a few young guys that are completely clueless and seem brutal to their employees at times, like when they fired her coworker a few days before xmas in 2017.

Ironically, I have been really focused on being a thoughtful partner and loving spouse. Granted, there were times when I first discovered the emails regarding their first and only (to the best of my knowledge and indications) meeting when I would get angry and snappy, but when I saw the exchange this year I decided to focus on showing her as much love and affection as was possible and it seemed to work.

Her first meeting with this guy was in June of last year, 2018. Then the email activity stopped completely. This was also the time that she mentioned the meeting to me.

The second email thread started in Jan of this year when he reached out to her asking if she was interested in getting together for coffee or a gl of wine. She took 10 days to respond, indicating that she was open to getting together. He responded immediately, that it was "great to hear from you" and would "love to get together". This time she never never responded to him. He then sent a message approx a month later asking her to meet for a gl of wine. She simply replied that she was really busy and wouldn't be able to do it until things calmed down for her. He suggested they target the end of March. Again, she didn't reply.

During this whole period I have been focused on being very attentive, loving and thoughtful -- basically the kind of partner that I should always focus on being. So, it's been an interesting journey.

Don't get me wrong, at the same time I've checking her emails and wondering what her next step was going to be, which is kind of #%^#ed up.

I go back and forth with the timing and decision to admit to playing sherlock holmes on this whole episode. But as good as things seem between us right now, it would be wrong to not address this issue directly.

As always, thanks again for the comments and advice.

Last edited by warwick; 8th April 2019 at 1:34 PM..
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Old 8th April 2019, 2:55 PM   #24
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The guy is fishing it sounds like. If it were me I'd address it in a cool calm manner.

I'd rather do that than perhaps be sorry later. None of us are perfect but if you have to worry about having a bad day and that causing her interest to peak with another it's not a life you want to have.

I'm sure your wife isn't perfect either. When she has a bad day do you seek out someone else? See the difference?

For the most part women think platonic but men rarley do. Meeting one on one is more of a date. Even if she doesn't think it OM will.

Do yourself a big favor and get a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Glass

If you have seen, been around infidelity this senario plays out all the time. Good marriages, bad marriages, etc.

A good marriage takes work, proper boundaries and above all great communication.
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Old 8th April 2019, 3:01 PM   #25
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A lot think that by nicing her or playing the "pick me dance" works. It rarley does.

It's impossible to compete with a fantasy. You live together where you deal with day to day living, paying bills, keeping the home, kids, etc.

An affair is all good. Just pure fun without any commitment or day to day life. An affair is a break from reality.

I'd rather deal with a snooping issue than what could happen. That is a whole other ballgame you don't want any part off.
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Old 8th April 2019, 3:30 PM   #26
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Yet she didnít tell you ahead of time she was meeting another man?

Noooooo, no explanation can help the fact that she didnít offer you that info.

Serious lack of trust has been broken.


And you have no way of knowing for sure they havenít been communicating by other means rather than mainly by email.

I donít trust her.
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Old 8th April 2019, 3:50 PM   #27
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Yet she didnít tell you ahead of time she was meeting another man?

Noooooo, no explanation can help the fact that she didnít offer you that info.

Serious lack of trust has been broken.


And you have no way of knowing for sure they havenít been communicating by other means rather than mainly by email.

I donít trust her.
You are correct. This is the crux of the issue and needs to be addressed and corrected going forward for me to regain any level of trust in the relationship.

And yes, there is no certainty that this relationship is accurately assessed by the emails alone, though I've looked at texts, and haven't found any between them, and do not "think" that she uses any other forms of communication products ... but there are many and she is relatively tech savvy. And some point you've got to deal with the information that you have and attempt to deal directly.
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Old 8th April 2019, 3:59 PM   #28
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Her actions have put you in a perplexing place.

While that put you where you are at this time. You are the only one that can keep yourself there.

While it is wise to contemplate how to deal effectively with it kicking the can down the road too long won't be in your best interests.
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Old 9th April 2019, 7:03 PM   #29
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I raised this whole issue with my wife last night on a walk. She was very calm and listened. I was direct and honest about the whole thing, including reading her emails. She asked several questions.

She explained that she didn't think too much of the meeting at the time. She was mainly interested in learning about what led to his termination and what he was doing now -- from a business networking perspective. She also pointed out that she didn't know that he was going through a divorce until she got together with him in a brief meeting of 45 min on her way to picking up our daughter from a friend's place. She said that they discussed work and business for 15 min or so and then he started talking about his personal life and wanting to date a young woman with no kids and an avid athlete --- the perfect woman. This put her off.

She said that nothing came of the meeting and there was no follow-up until earlier this year when he reached out to her again asking to get together. She said that she waited a long time before responding and asked what he was doing, curious to know whether he had landed at a new company where he might be of help to her. He didn't reply on this point and she simply didn't respond further and she pushed him off when he followed up again.

We discussed how this whole event became something bigger and reflected on the challenges we were dealing with last year. I listened to everything she said and believe she is being honest with me. We also discussed how marriage counseling could help with our communications and agreed to pursue it.

I feel good about where it got to even if it's a little anti-climatic based on what the various scenarios that could have played out.

Thanks for everyone's help on this. It's a great forum and was very helpful.
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Old 9th April 2019, 7:08 PM   #30
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I’m glad that you talked, and everything has worked out. I’m really impressed with how you have both handled the situation. I certainly hope that what she told you was the truth... if nothing else, it will help you to clarify expectations and boundaries for future reference...

You have no reason not to believe her, but I would be watchful and continue with your plan for marriage counselling. I wish you all the best.
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