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Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 5th April 2019, 6:51 PM   #46
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Originally Posted by zig View Post
The order would go something like this... kids, mom, charities, friends, Facebook then me at the bottom.
That is often what happens when a women feels disconnected from her man, she immerses herself in other activities, if it gets really bad, add alcohol and pills to the mix.
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Old 5th April 2019, 6:57 PM   #47
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This trip is a good idea...but would she be willing to join a book club or a wine tasting club or an art class or a spin class or a cooking class (anything) that will get her out of the house and away from the kids a few hours a week?..........Kids can be tough on marriages. Hang in there and I hope you guys can figure this out.
No, it would make it worse. My wife is addicted to filling up her schedule. She already does all those things. She can't stop.

This trip is just one of many. Again, she's a sahm and my income makes it possible for her to do just about anything she wants. I'll confess most of what she does is still with the kids so it's not always a vacation for her... I understand that.

I know this sounds horrible but I'm beginning to resent my two girls because they are the ones who took away the love of my life. That's the best way to describe what I'm feeling at the moment. I love my children 100% they took away my wife. It's really hard.
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Old 5th April 2019, 7:04 PM   #48
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The issue isn't the text message (that's obvious). I'm concerned that I'm not important to her anymore. The order would go something like this... kids, mom, charities, friends, Facebook then me at the bottom.
Can't help but wonder why you made you initial post about a text message?

You're obviously feeling a lot of (possibly well-earned) resentment, a real relationship killer. No way around dragging this out into the open and dealing with it directly, whether though MC or individual therapy.

Doing nothing and waiting for things to change not a recipe for success...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 5th April 2019, 7:09 PM   #49
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Oh okay, in that case, yes, I can see why you feel like you're at the bottom of her priorities. Have you talked to her about it? What did she say?

Is she willing to go to marriage counseling? It sounds like maybe she is resentful about something (justified or not) and refuses to tell you.
Anytime I've talked about it she tells me that she is all "tapped out" and doesn't have anymore time for me. She has someone (the kids) to attend to all day long and has nothing left for me. (her words exactly)

Last time we had an argument about it she told me she was ok with me getting a mistress on the side. We would still be married and everything would stay the same but that she can't give me anything more. I'm being serious. She actually said that. I was really hurt. I talked to her afterward and tried to make it better and said how that isn't remotely what I want.

So congratulations to my dear wife for being a martyr to her children, friends, activities and Facebook. She spends more time on Facebook in a day than she does with me. I can bet you a million dollars that even though she didn't have time to respond to my test message (what 5 minutes of time?) she spent quadruple that on Facebook sending selfies of her with her friends on her getaway.
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Old 5th April 2019, 7:12 PM   #50
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Can't help but wonder why you made you initial post about a text message?
You're obviously feeling a lot of (possibly well-earned) resentment,
Mr. Lucky
Yes, a few things have really hurt me lately. Each one revolves around how everything in her life is more important than me.
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Old 5th April 2019, 7:22 PM   #51
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No way around dragging this out into the open and dealing with it directly, whether though MC or individual therapy.Mr. Lucky
Yeah man. I've actually been seriously thinking about going to see an individual counselor on my own.
I really doubt my wife would go to marriage counseling because she is too thick headed. She doesn't see any problem at all. She wants to be praised for being a martyr as someone else here said it.
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Old 5th April 2019, 7:28 PM   #52
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My hope about getting her to share a parenting class with you is so that she can see that letting the kids run her schedule is not preparing them for the real world and maybe giving her some perspective. I am pretty sure any parenting class would say you need to take care of yourself and your relationship too. It might be a way to get some of it under control without making her mad. Maybe you can buy sessions and then say you won "free tickets" in some raffle. Hahaha.
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Old 5th April 2019, 8:27 PM   #53
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I thought about the same thing. A parenting class will get us to open up and talk. She'll be able to listen to other people (she won't listen to me). It will instruct us to be better parents and for her to chill out.

The other options are for me to go to personal therapy and figure out what's going on in my head (maybe I'm wrong in all this once I lay it all out for someone else to analyze). Or for us to go to marriage counseling. The first one would be the easiest and least offensive to her.

I do have another option. Her best friend, who I know and trust I can go talk to. I can ask her if my wife is truly unhappy or if I'm making this up in my head. What do you think about that???

To add, I just think it's funny how I just talked with her on the phone (she's on her way home and yes she called me for all those who think I'm smothering her) for like 10 minutes about all kinds of stuff. She said she missed me, I said I missed her, then immediately she had to go because she needed to look at the GPS... so goodbye. It's sounds like coincidence but every single time any type of intimacy stuff comes up she's out???? It can't possibly be coincidence. Not buying it. She hates my guts.

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Old 5th April 2019, 10:31 PM   #54
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I do have another option. Her best friend, who I know and trust I can go talk to. I can ask her if my wife is truly unhappy or if I'm making this up in my head. What do you think about that???
It would be a mistake for so many reasons it's hard to list them all here. She's not a neutral party, may have her own biases, much could be lost in translation and will probably resent at some point being caught in the middle, one or both of you may get mad at her.

If your marriage is important to you, allocate some resources to getting it back on track...

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Old 6th April 2019, 7:50 AM   #55
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She hates my guts.
Well, that's a bit dramatic.

You being the lowest on the totem pole doesn't really jive with her calling you every 30 minutes while you're fishing. Why do you think she does that?

Your complaint about being at the bottom of the list is so, so, so common. It would be nice if she would go to counseling with you because it could really help. I don't know that you'd get a whole lot out of individual counseling for this particular issue. How about just trying to ask her?
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Old 6th April 2019, 8:30 AM   #56
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I do have another option. Her best friend, who I know and trust I can go talk to. I can ask her if my wife is truly unhappy or if I'm making this up in my head. What do you think about that???
Not a good plan. You underestimate the strength of a female friendship. If her wife had confided in her, it is unlikely that her friend will break that confidence to share those feelings with you. Her friend will likely tell your wife about your conversation because her loyalty is to your wife, not to you. And then your wife will want to know why you are going behind her back to talk with her friend and why you are bringing her friend into your marriage... if you have a problem with your wife, it is best to try and speak with her directly.
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Old 6th April 2019, 9:00 AM   #57
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Your complaint about being at the bottom of the list is so, so, so common. It would be nice if she would go to counseling with you because it could really help. I don't know that you'd get a whole lot out of individual counseling for this particular issue. How about just trying to ask her?
Agreed. Itís the bell curve of happiness - it peaks when you are young and again when you are older... but there is a span in the middle where people are so busy working, raising children, caring for aging parents, etc... where itís all about getting through the day. You wife has a lot on her plate as a stay at home mother. Itís not uncommon for the husband to feel left behind, because sometimes he is when she has so many other responsibilities to manage.

I agree with CO, this is not a problem for which you need individual counselling - I would definitely suggest that you talk with your wife about how you can work together to make life a little bit easier, carve out some time for each other, and really prioritize what is important... Marriage. Outselling would be the best place to have these conversations. Ask her when she gets home.
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Old 6th April 2019, 9:47 AM   #58
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Itís the bell curve of happiness - it peaks when you are young and again when you are older... but there is a span in the middle where people are so busy working, raising children, caring for aging parents, etc... where itís all about getting through the day. You wife has a lot on her plate as a stay at home mother. Itís not uncommon for the husband to feel left behind, because sometimes he is when she has so many other responsibilities to manage.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yesssssss......
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Old 6th April 2019, 10:05 AM   #59
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Sorry, that should clearly say ďmarriage counselling...Ē would be a good decision, if she will agree. If she values her family and wants to keep the family you have built together intact, she will make it happen...
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Old 6th April 2019, 11:01 AM   #60
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I saw in one of your previous threads that you met and started dating your wife just 7yrs ago. In 2013 you posted a thread where you had been dating her for a year and that was just 6yrs ago, no mention of kids or pregnancy on that thread. This leads me to believe that your kids are still really little, under the age of 5.

Now I'm not saying you shouldn't be addressing the problems in your marriage but do try to remember that before the kids go off to school they really are a 24/7 job. I still remember when my kids were that little and how much they took up my whole life. When I just had one kid it wasn't bad but the second one really pushed my responsibilities to the limit, having to take care of a baby AND a little kid at the same time, there just isn't a moment when one of them doesn't need something. And my kids were 4yrs apart in age, when they are only a couple of years apart it's even harder. You simply cannot expect to have the same time and attention from your wife that she was able to give you before kids.
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