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Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 3rd April 2019, 8:39 PM   #16
zig
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I hate to point out that helping around the house, watching kids and washing dishes are all things you should be doing no matter what. It's not a favor to her. It's your house, kids and dishes too.
Yes you are right. It's also her house, kids and dishes too. I work a full time job being the sole income. Her position as she wants it is a sahm.

I don't mean to be disrespectful but if I was a sahd I'd have the house clean and dishes done before my wife came home from work. It's her part of the deal because that's what she want's. There is this thing called daycare if she wanted to go back to her career. She's just not all that happy being a mom is the bottom line and I don't know how to fix that. She runs herself absolutely f&ckin# ragged because she fills up all her time with things she has to do. If I came along and took away half of her responsibilities she would immediately fill it with something else she has to do. She's an addict so to speak and it effects our relationship. I know exactly why she didn't respond to that text message I sent. I was just venting here. She has no time for me because she has too many other things she has to attend to and is completely tapped out. She's told me so, directly in those words. I've become the chump.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 8:54 PM   #17
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^ Oh,I've seen it before. Some people let the kids create their work for them and are just basically on call for the kids. That's nuts and I only have limited sympathy to people who can't call the shots and decide who goes where and say no sometimes. They seem to think they're martyrs and everyone should be respecting them for it, but honestly, they create some of their own problems. So she really needs this vacation, so don't play games with her while she's enjoying it. That's what you can give her to show you love her. Once the kids are all in school, you should suggest she gets a part-time job. If she's not happy as is, it might actually be better for her. When they're young, that's super hard, though. Need to all be in school. Riding the bus.

A guy I know has been married for like 30 years by now, I guess, and his wife hasn't worked a day in all that time. No kids! He does not have money. He works but not anything high enough paying for that and he was out of work for awhile. I can't even imagine why anyone would stay married under those circumstances. I just think it's weird. And no, she's not a trophy wife type. She's crazy looking and always sloppy looking and fat, but she was working when he met her, so there's no reason for her not to. I really scratch my head about that one. Each to his own, I guess.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 9:35 PM   #18
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Some people let the kids create their work for them and are just basically on call for the kids......They seem to think they're martyrs and everyone should be respecting them for it, but honestly, they create some of their own problems.
You just spoke the most eloquent truth I've ever heard. I know it, my friends know it, everyone else knows it except her. We've even talked about it. My dilemma is how to get her to actually see it through her own eyes. The fact that you see it and put it into words gives me great hope.

I hear you on the other advice you gave too. Accepted, heard and appreciated.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 9:36 PM   #19
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If I was a woman I would crap all over you for sending such weak garbage. Time to put your pants on and take back some control in this marriage. A good way to start is to not send any more pathetic texts, if she texts you anything don't answer her. When she gets back it will be time for you to have your trip. What's good for one is good for the other, trust me.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 9:58 PM   #20
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Your question was a lovely one. But the delivery was wrong. It should have been over a nice dinner and wine rather than texting her while she's on a trip. If I were you, I'd write it off to bad timing and start over when she gets back.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 11:08 PM   #21
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Ladies, how would you respond if your husband or b/f sent you a text message that said, "tell me one way I can show my love for you, anything". The context was we just texted how much we missed each other.
Were I on vacation, after the "miss you too" text I'd have blown your question off. Bad timing and not worth a serious response, unless "you can let me enjoy my friends and vacation" is the answer you're looking for...

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Old 4th April 2019, 4:08 AM   #22
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My wife is gone on a girls getaway for a week. Ladies, how would you respond if your husband or b/f sent you a text message that said, "tell me one way I can show my love for you, anything". The context was we just texted how much we missed each other.

Guys what would you expect?
Read the 5 love languages and then figure out which one is the most important to her, then do it. If you have been together for any amount of time, then it shouldn't be hard to figure out.

words of affirmation
acts of service
receiving gifts
quality time
physical touch
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Old 4th April 2019, 6:12 AM   #23
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When she gets back it will be time for you to have your trip. What's good for one is good for the other, trust me.
Yes, and a sure road to divorce...
Tit for tat is a very bad way to conduct a marriage.
It always tends to escalate and before they know it, pure hate is involved...
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Old 4th April 2019, 7:37 AM   #24
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e.

all when I've been working so hard lately helping around the house, watching kids, washing dishes ect ect.
Who was doing these tasks before this?



They're your kids! your house! Your dishes! Doing a bit if housework and childcare should be the bare minimum you do.
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Old 4th April 2019, 7:39 AM   #25
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If I was a woman I would crap all over you for sending such weak garbage. Time to put your pants on and take back some control in this marriage. A good way to start is to not send any more pathetic texts, if she texts you anything don't answer her. When she gets back it will be time for you to have your trip. What's good for one is good for the other, trust me.

This would be extremely childish behavior, not worthy of adults.


This tit for tat will kill a marriage really quickly.
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Old 4th April 2019, 8:42 AM   #26
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Yes, and a sure road to divorce...
Tit for tat is a very bad way to conduct a marriage.
It always tends to escalate and before they know it, pure hate is involved...
Yeah well then maybe that's what needs to happen as that's how life is. It's called fair and equitable balance and if she can't handle it then divorce is what she deserves. Do as I say not as I do is no better than tit for tat.
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Old 4th April 2019, 8:55 AM   #27
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This would be extremely childish behavior, not worthy of adults.


This tit for tat will kill a marriage really quickly.
Lol, it's OK for her but not for him, so typical.

OP, she will treat you as poorly as you let her. Without equality your marriage is doomed, if not by your hand then surely by hers. I wouldn't doubt that she's already showing signs of emotionally checking out.
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Old 4th April 2019, 9:19 AM   #28
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It's a profound Q & it was kind of unfair of you to blindside her with something so deep when she was on a lark. Are you sweet when she is around or just when she's away & her full attention is not on you?
This was my exact first thought.
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Old 4th April 2019, 9:29 AM   #29
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I'll be honest - being a stay at home mom sucks. I did it for a few years and although it was great for my son? It was awful for me and my mental health. There is never an "end" to your day and you can become totally and completely overwhelmed with a million pressures from society (real or imagined) to be a superstar Mom and do ALL the things because you DO have the privilege of being a stay at home Mom.

As for how you can help? Encourage her to step out of her Mom role once in a while. This trip is a good idea...but would she be willing to join a book club or a wine tasting club or an art class or a spin class or a cooking class (anything) that will get her out of the house and away from the kids a few hours a week?

You may find that if she gets a chance to be zig's wife/a woman vs. full time Mom all the time, your sex life, etc. will also improve.

It can be really hard for women, especially, to flip the switch from Mom-mode to wife mode. Nothing appealing about crawling into bed after a day dealing with tantrums, bickering, fighting, wiping boogers, etc. and then having a husband want to have sex. Meanwhile, running background in the Mom brain are ridiculous things like "we need milk, i have to remember to schedule that doctor's appointment, XYZ is needed for school/church next week, did I take that laundry out of the dryer?, etc etc etc

Try to schedule regular date nights with your wife also. Doesn't even have to be out of the house or fancy. Some nights? My husband and I will split a bottle of wine in basement and just hide away after we put our son to bed. And just talk and laugh and such. It does a LOT to keep our connection alive. And we take weekend getaways when we can without our son to just have US time.


Kids can be tough on marriages. Hang in there and I hope you guys can figure this out.
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Old 4th April 2019, 9:37 AM   #30
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Well, check her for half healed 'bruises' when she gets home. That's how I busted an old girlfriend. Tushy bite marks & hand grab marks that weren't mine...
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