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should I feel offended or not?


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Old 2nd April 2019, 4:14 PM   #1
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should I feel offended or not?

I recently lost 45 pounds, cut my hair and have just been generally taking better care of my looks. I’ve always worn make up and dressed up and did my hair but being overweight has been an issue for a few years due to PCOS . However, with the recent weight loss my husband has been all over me. Wanting to make out and be intimate everywhere. We’ve been together going on 16 years but married close to 2 now. He used to do this to me years ago and stopped but now he’s just been crazy about me.

Since being married, I’ve felt like he doesn’t really care about being affectionate/cuddly or anything. He’s never wanted to shower with me until recently (though he used to when we were teenagers of course) I’m 31 and he’s 32. He’s always had a non chalant attitude and never seemed too affectionate towards me the past few years. I know the weight loss probably has something to do with the change in him. It makes me sad because I feel like he didn’t care for me or was attracted to me before my make over. I noticed that whenever I wear make up, he goes crazy for me. This weekend we were watching TV and during commercial breaks he wouldn’t stop touching and kissing me which was nice but I’m not used to it at all so it threw me off..then I realized I was wearing make up. And then when it’s not on, he kinda ignores me. Like today.. we got into a little riff when I asked him to pass me some tissue for my allergies, he only gave me a tiny piece and I asked for more and then he got mad “ you only need one!! next time get it yourself!!” And I walked out of the room and haven’t laid next to him since. I feel like if I had make up on, he would’ve been nicer to me.

I had a miscarriage 3 weeks ago and suffered from health issues since January so I feel super sensitive lately. Not sure how to feel right now... kinda hurt and in my feelings.

Last edited by dollparts; 2nd April 2019 at 4:17 PM..
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Old 2nd April 2019, 5:04 PM   #2
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I'm so sorry for your loss. The death of a child makes people react differently.

After all this time I doubt it is only the make up. I think the tissue thing was probably about something else. We're always short with the ones we love.

Try to appreciate the return of the affection. Try to parley that into a deeper spiritual connection.
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Old 2nd April 2019, 5:39 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by dollparts View Post
I recently lost 45 pounds, cut my hair and have just been generally taking better care of my looks.
First off, congratulations on your weight loss.

I guess I'm confused. Isn't revitalizing your marriage and reigniting the passion one of the hoped for results when you put in the hard work to achieve a "make over"?

Would you somehow be happier if he was ignoring you?

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Old 2nd April 2019, 6:03 PM   #4
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Well, I hate to say it but I suspect it's more about your weight loss than anything, and I know that doesn't make you feel good. It wouldn't me either, but men are so visual. At least he stayed put, so you may as well enjoy the attention while you can and let him. Maybe makeup is signalling him some way that you're open to sex. Who knows. I would say if you think it hinges on that, wear it when you want sex and don't when you don't! I don't like that he's getting hissy about having to reach for a second Kleenex. I can only imagine all the things you do for him without complaining.

I'm sorry about your miscarriage. You probably need a little recovery time since it's hard to focus on other things and think straight for awhile until you process that. He should know that, honestly. Maybe he thinks giving you more attention is what you'd want. I do not think anything you've told us sounds like overreacting on your part, though.
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Old 2nd April 2019, 9:13 PM   #5
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When my wife gained weigh it did not affect , in any way, my attraction to her. Also makeup doesn't make the woman. My wife uses very little but she is still the woman I love and desire and she knows how to push all of my buttons. The way your husband treats you does not show love especially after a miscarriage. To be honest, your husband is acting like something of an ass. Someone needs to give him a good "facts of life" talk about how to treat a wife. I had to give my son such a talk. I made it plain to him that if he wasn't good to his wife and give her what she needs in their relationship, then he could be assured there was some man somewhere that would gladly take his place. Tell your husband the rule I go by in my marriage. ---I try to be the husband I would want if I was a woman.--- I do wish you well.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 11:51 AM   #6
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OP, IMHO you shouldn't be offended about his reignited interest in you. I would be mad about the tissue yelling episode because it just shows a general lack of respect, but with weight loss and his attraction, you should be thrilled. Men are very visual creatures and I would still love my wife the same if she was 50 lbs overweight, but I would probably have sex less.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 12:13 PM   #7
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I could be your husband, I totally get where he's coming from.

To some guys, maybe lots of guys, we do not equate sex with emotions and intimacy, it's more of a physical act and we need to be, and feel, attracted to the person, whether it's a one night stand or our partner of many years.

Just because you'd screw him even if he was 400 lbs or missing an arm or leg doesn't mean he feels the same way and it's not something you're going to change and it's not something to be offended about- because it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and like I said it's not all that unusual.

So be happy about your weight loss, and looking better and his new found attraction and enjoy the better health and his affections.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 7:48 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by oldlion View Post
When my wife gained weigh it did not affect , in any way, my attraction to her. Also makeup doesn't make the woman. My wife uses very little but she is still the woman I love and desire and she knows how to push all of my buttons. The way your husband treats you does not show love especially after a miscarriage. To be honest, your husband is acting like something of an ass. Someone needs to give him a good "facts of life" talk about how to treat a wife. I had to give my son such a talk. I made it plain to him that if he wasn't good to his wife and give her what she needs in their relationship, then he could be assured there was some man somewhere that would gladly take his place. Tell your husband the rule I go by in my marriage. ---I try to be the husband I would want if I was a woman.--- I do wish you well.
While I commend your steadfast attraction to your wife, I doubt that your approach to your wife's weight gain is common among most men.
Most men prefer thinner women.

OP, my husband became more attracted to me after I stopped smoking weed, started taking care of myself, and lost 20 pounds. He was always affectionate and sexual but the changes I made in my lifestyle added a great deal of passion to our marriage. I wasn't offended by the change because my husband's reaction made complete sense. Not only was he more attracted to me but I'm sure he respected me far more for doing something that was not easy.

With respect to your recent miscarriage, I'm wondering if part of the reason your husband is more affectionate and sexual is to show you love in his way. Your makeover might not be the only impetus for your husband's increased physical overtures. Does he often speak to you in a disrespectful manner? If so, that needs to be addressed as an entirely separate issue.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 9:53 PM   #9
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Stop complaining and enjoy the new you and the fact that your husband does should show you that your hard work paid off. I'm not sure about the tissue issue but somehow I feel there may be something behind it, maybe the miscarriage has hit him hard as well, men sometimes act out in strange ways when things are bothering them.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 9:59 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Normm View Post
I could be your husband, I totally get where he's coming from.

To some guys, maybe lots of guys, we do not equate sex with emotions and intimacy, it's more of a physical act and we need to be, and feel, attracted to the person, whether it's a one night stand or our partner of many years.

Just because you'd screw him even if he was 400 lbs or missing an arm or leg doesn't mean he feels the same way and it's not something you're going to change and it's not something to be offended about- because it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and like I said it's not all that unusual.

So be happy about your weight loss, and looking better and his new found attraction and enjoy the better health and his affections.
I think this is a really good explanation.

As long as you don't feel like the ONLY thing he likes/loves about you is your physical body/physical attraction. Because that feels like total **** as a woman with a brain! My exH was like this and it sucked. I always longed to be appreciated for my personality, intelligence, etc., (in ADDITION to physical attraction) and he could never get there. He's just not capable.
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