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Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 2nd April 2019, 3:28 PM   #1
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I want to explore with other people

Before I got married I promised myself that I wouldn't even date someone who didn't share my views on being involved with other people. I learnt about myself over the years that being in a traditional monogamous relationship doesn't work for me. But life happened and I fell in love with someone who has very traditional views and we ended up getting married.

In every other way we are perfect together and are very much in love, but the more I try to suppress what I want, the more it affects me and the marriage. I thought I could change and in time I could adapt, but I feel like there's a big part of me missing. She was clear from the start about what she wanted and I accepted that, but I have many days where I feel like I can't carry on forever in this traditional marriage.

I don't know what to do? We will never share the same beliefs on this. Is it another marriage doomed to ultimately fail?
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Old 2nd April 2019, 3:36 PM   #2
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Just get divorced.
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Old 2nd April 2019, 3:38 PM   #3
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When you married knowing she was traditional, you made her a promise that you would be OK with monogamy. It's unfair for you to expect her to change now. Either find a way to be OK with it, or your marriage is doomed.
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Old 2nd April 2019, 3:39 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Chris2982 View Post
Before I got married I promised myself that I wouldn't even date someone who didn't share my views on being involved with other people. I learnt about myself over the years that being in a traditional monogamous relationship doesn't work for me. But life happened and I fell in love with someone who has very traditional views and we ended up getting married.

In every other way we are perfect together and are very much in love, but the more I try to suppress what I want, the more it affects me and the marriage. I thought I could change and in time I could adapt, but I feel like there's a big part of me missing. She was clear from the start about what she wanted and I accepted that, but I have many days where I feel like I can't carry on forever in this traditional marriage.

I don't know what to do? We will never share the same beliefs on this. Is it another marriage doomed to ultimately fail?
You should look up the thread (a few months old) by another married guy who has had this need to keep exploring other women and has gotten into a series of affairs without his wife’s knowledge.

Why can’t you just get a divorce?
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Old 2nd April 2019, 3:50 PM   #5
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Agree with all the posters above - divorce before you try to move on. We see on this board all the time that affairs turn into a huge emotional nightmare even if they're not discovered. If/when they are discovered they ruin people's lives. Really: don't do it.

If you must (and I'm by no means recommending this) you could explain/announce your serious intent to your wife and see what she says. You could then try to get her accustomed to the idea through a series of baby steps. She'll probably simply want to divorce though either before or after you go through with this, if her views are very strong.

I've never done polyamory, but my understanding is there really needs to be genuine interest from both people or it's very likely to fail. (And it often fails even if there is genuine interest from both apparently.)
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Old 2nd April 2019, 4:01 PM   #6
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Have you thought about this:

In case your wife has changed her mind and is on board with an open marriage, would you be okay with her exploring other men?
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Old 2nd April 2019, 5:21 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris2982 View Post
Before I got married I promised myself that I wouldn't even date someone who didn't share my views on being involved with other people ...But life happened and I fell in love with someone who has very traditional views and we ended up getting married.

I don't know what to do? We will never share the same beliefs on this. Is it another marriage doomed to ultimately fail?
Its all rather unfair to your poor wife. You didn't marry a woman open to you exploring stuff with other women, or someone with similar views to yourself. No, you deliberately married a traditional woman.

Why? I guess because although YOU wish to explore other avenues, I guess you would rather SHE stay true to you...
So now you want to rip her world apart, but hope she loves you enough so that she will put up with almost anything from you...
Do not put a monogamous woman through that hell on earth.
Divorce her and then you can explore other women to your heart's content...
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Old 2nd April 2019, 5:26 PM   #8
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^^^^^I agree with Elaine. You wanted a traditional woman and ask yourself if you would be comfortable knowing other men are exploring her body while you explore others. Yeah, I didn't think so.
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Old 2nd April 2019, 5:34 PM   #9
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Why canít you just get a divorce?
Because he's a cake-eater in training. He wants the traditional advantages of home and hearth while he sows his presumptive wild oats. All without understanding an open marriage would give his wife access to the buffet while he competed for the crumbs.

Chris2982, going to assume you had your fingers crossed during the marriage ceremony?

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Old 2nd April 2019, 5:54 PM   #10
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I agree with the others. You married a traditional woman out of pure selfishness knowing she would never step out on you he way you want to step out on her.

You want to "explore" - buy a telescope, go on safari. Treat your wife with dignity and divorce her if you can't honor your marriage.
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Old 2nd April 2019, 5:55 PM   #11
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OP:
Are you super rich and /or super powerful? If yes, you might be able to find a woman who is willing to play that role of a wife for you.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 5:45 AM   #12
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Have you ever been honest with your wife about your desire to explore other women?

Or has she always been under impression that you are monogamous?
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Old 3rd April 2019, 8:28 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris2982 View Post
Before I got married I promised myself that I wouldn't even date someone who didn't share my views on being involved with other people. I learnt about myself over the years that being in a traditional monogamous relationship doesn't work for me. But life happened and I fell in love with someone who has very traditional views and we ended up getting married.

In every other way we are perfect together and are very much in love, but the more I try to suppress what I want, the more it affects me and the marriage. I thought I could change and in time I could adapt, but I feel like there's a big part of me missing. She was clear from the start about what she wanted and I accepted that, but I have many days where I feel like I can't carry on forever in this traditional marriage.

I don't know what to do? We will never share the same beliefs on this. Is it another marriage doomed to ultimately fail?

Yes. Just get a divorce.


Quote:
Originally Posted by JuneL View Post
OP:
Are you super rich and /or super powerful? If yes, you might be able to find a woman who is willing to play that role of a wife for you.

Yes, this. If you have enough money, you can find women (even a wife) who will go along with you having multiple women. Your current wife may not be one though.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 9:01 AM   #14
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Yes, this. If you have enough money, you can find women (even a wife) who will go along with you having multiple women. Your current wife may not be one though.
A gold digger will stick with you as long as you are providing the lifestyle, she will absorb affairs and other women as her love is for your money not you.
But common or garden traditional women marry for love and some (not all) will also put up with affairs and other women as their love is unconditional.
She will tie herself in knots, end up in therapy or self medicate with pills or alcohol... all in an attempt to be OK with other women...
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Old 3rd April 2019, 12:27 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris2982 View Post
Before I got married I promised myself that I wouldn't even date someone who didn't share my views on being involved with other people. I learnt about myself over the years that being in a traditional monogamous relationship doesn't work for me. But life happened and I fell in love with someone who has very traditional views and we ended up getting married.

I expect you're looking for sympathy, but sir, you aren't going to get any for me.

Marrying her was such a selfish move! You liked all he benefits of being with her and lied to her because you wanted those benefits. You let her believe you could be monogamous, and I don't believe for one second you really thought you could do it.
Now, you're on here hoping someone will give you the green light to cheat on your wife.
I have an idea. Why not man up and divorce her? That way, you won't cheat, she won't be hurt by your actions and you can both move on to find someone who is better suited to your individual natures.
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