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Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 29th March 2019, 8:02 PM   #31
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Prior to my husband and I dating/getting married, my husband lived with his brother and his uncle for 10 years.

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I come home with groceries, and his uncle comes out of his room to put everything away.

Why are you offended by him wanting to help? It must also be difficult fo the uncle living with someone who openly despises him.
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Old 29th March 2019, 8:17 PM   #32
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He's invaded her home! She doesn't want an extra person living there complicating everything, monopolizing her husband, eating her food, and remember he's there 24/7 because he's not working and not trying to! She wasn't ready to be a mother, FFS.
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Old 30th March 2019, 12:16 AM   #33
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He's invaded her home! She doesn't want an extra person living there complicating everything, monopolizing her husband, eating her food, and remember he's there 24/7 because he's not working and not trying to! She wasn't ready to be a mother, FFS.
THANK YOU 🙏🏻😊👏🏻👏🏻
Iím definitely getting some insight here and even a better understanding with a lot of great comments... but some have been so harsh and mean. Geesh.
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Old 30th March 2019, 12:24 PM   #34
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He's invaded her home!

He was invited in by her husband. Looking at the situation from the other person's point of view can bring about a measure of compassion.


The OP's husband comes from a culture where multi-generational living is the norm, not the exception. He should have explained that before they married. And it doesn't sound like the uncle doesn't want to work; more like he he no longer has the ability to do the manual labor tha he did as a younger man.
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Old 30th March 2019, 6:06 PM   #35
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I know you want him gone, and I don't blame you, but is there a way that you can embrace his presences? Instead of him making dinner for your husband at 2pm, have him make dinner for both you and your husband at 5, or whatever time you see fit. Make him the butler, cook and maid, of the house, as a condition of his stay. Let him work for you , rather than against you. If you can get this to work, it could create a lot f free time for both you and your husband. Do enough of this and maybe, he'll want to go back.

So instead of addressing the cause (him living with you), try to address all of the effect individually, as best you can.
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Old 30th March 2019, 6:45 PM   #36
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He was invited in by her husband. Looking at the situation from the other person's point of view can bring about a measure of compassion.


The OP's husband comes from a culture where multi-generational living is the norm, not the exception. He should have explained that before they married. And it doesn't sound like the uncle doesn't want to work; more like he he no longer has the ability to do the manual labor tha he did as a younger man.
Yes, he should have made sure she knew that, because pretty sure she would have said, Well, sure honey, if it's no longer than a couple of weeks.
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Old 31st March 2019, 10:48 AM   #37
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Be more respectful of your husband and his family, even if they don't speak English like you do. His uncle has done nothing wrong
His uncle has done plenty wrong! He's an illegal alien in the United States whose broken the law. The OP states that his uncle 'jumped the border' with her husband, so her husband's status is questionable as well.

The guy has had 10 freakin illegal YEARS here to learn the damned language and he hasn't, so don't blame the OP because she's frustrated that she's supporting and housing someone who REFUSES to learn how to communicate with her. He's got ALL DAY LONG to learn English and yet he refuses.

Personally, I couldn't care less what his culture dictates about their families. The guy is here illegally and should be glad the OP hasn't turned him over to ICE.

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Solipsistic - it's everybody's fault, your husband's fault, his uncle's fault, but not yours, and that same solipsism will be validated by other women on this forum.
The guy is here illegally expecting everyone else to carry him and has all the time in the world to learn some English, yet chooses NOT to. That blatant disrespect toward the OP - while expecting to live in HER home while she helps support him - cancels out your argument about HER having fault in a situation that's literally being crammed down her throat.

Personally OP, I'd be gone. And the first call I'd be making from my new place would be to the nearest ICE facility in New Jersey.
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Old 31st March 2019, 9:31 PM   #38
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No children? Just a lease on an apartment?

I think you have a real opportunity here to dodge a bigger bullet than the one that's already injured you. Run! Don't walk to the nearest exit and don't look back.

If it's not the uncle it will be the next poor slouch in the family tree. This is not about "family being important" it's a bout toxic relationships and being enmeshed beyond all reasonable sense.
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Old 1st April 2019, 8:32 PM   #39
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The Uncle is has completely interrupted the lives of this newly wed couple and is doing so as an illegal alien which could pose a problem to OP if ICE ever found out she was harboring him. However the majority of the blame here belongs to the husband. Of course the Uncle is going to latch onto whatever food/shelter source he can find. In his culture, the OP is of little significance and considering the husband isn't stressing any respect be shown to OP, the Uncle has no reason to give it. Common courtesy isn't the norm with certain cultures. The Uncle hasn't even tried to learn the language of the person who is allowing him to stay in her home...shows you how little he cares

The husband is the main guilty party here though. He's allowing this man to intrude on their lives as a married couple. He is the one who took him in and allows him to stay without paying rent, without working and contributing very little to the household. I can't imagine being married to someone who cared that little about my feelings and has no sense of boundaries. The husband sounds like its his way or the highway and this kind of dynamic will continue because that's what OP signed up for when she married him. I highly doubt the husband took OP's thoughts and wants into consideration their entire relationship and then suddenly just stopped and let the Uncle in, no. This was a long standing dynamic.

OP, this is how your husband rolls. You chose to enter into a marital union with someone who is culturally opposite from you and who doesn't care how you feel. If I were you, I'd be livid that this illegal alien is living in my house, doesn't show my any respect for me, doesn't work AND my own husband is allowing it to happen which is the worst part about it. But then again, I wouldn't have married someone like this in the first place.

I don't really see how this can be fixed. Not only the Uncle situation but the general difference in cultures, lack of respect and boundaries. If I could offer constructive advice I would but I honestly think you and your husband just aren't compatible. The cultural differences and your husband completely lacking in respect and/or concern for you, are what they are... Fundamental differences.

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Old 1st April 2019, 8:57 PM   #40
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In reality, it's highly unlikely ICE would do anything even if you begged them. They're focused on violent criminals and sometimes that involves also getting involved with those who are harboring them and obstructing them. But you can't just call the Deport Police, unfortunately. However, if he gets picked up for something else and has any outstanding warrants, something might happen, but since he's not working or doesn't sound like driving(?) not much chance of that.

She loves her husband and doesn't want to end it, but he should put time limits on these couch potatoes he's letting in.
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Old 2nd April 2019, 2:05 PM   #41
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The guy has had 10 freakin illegal YEARS here to learn the damned language and he hasn't, so don't blame the OP because she's frustrated that she's supporting and housing someone who REFUSES to learn how to communicate with her. He's got ALL DAY LONG to learn English and yet he refuses.
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The Uncle is has completely interrupted the lives of this newly wed couple and is doing so as an illegal alien which could pose a problem to OP if ICE ever found out she was harboring him.
Both statements understandable as long as you agree with their Western world, North American point of view. The reality is immigrants from the husband's background don't see family and the responsibility for relatives in the same way. No right or wrong, just different.

jaclynxox89, I'd guess you have a choice to make. Staying married means accepting a different set of cultural norms...

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Old 2nd April 2019, 3:19 PM   #42
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No right or wrong, just different.

jaclynxox89, I'd guess you have a choice to make. Staying married means accepting a different set of cultural norms...
Exactly.

If you want your marriage to last you have to find a way to make peace with the uncle's presence. He's blood. You are not. If you force the issue, you will ruin your marriage.

I see the uncle trying a little -- making dinner & working with your husband during the busy season. You have to find a way to tolerate his presence.
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Old 2nd April 2019, 5:59 PM   #43
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Agree the uncle is blood and he is blood that your husband stayed for 10 years with.
There is a big bond there and sure this is not the life you envisioned but this is the life you have and as you refuse to give up on your marriage then you are going to have to find a way to accept the way things are.

If you wanted a traditional North American nuclear family, then it was best not to marry a Costa Rican...

If this man moved in with me I would be just as upset but I do at the same time feel heart sorry for him... Poor guy having to walk on eggshells in case he
upsets you...
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Old 2nd April 2019, 6:16 PM   #44
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I wouldn't put up with this for longer than two weeks. He's making dinner in the middle of the day and not letting her know what's up or anything. Probably getting in her way of her routine in the kitchen more than anything else.

I still think the best idea is all his relatives need to pitch money in to pay for him a room. And by the way, if he's all that helpful, why aren't any of his relatives or maybe his own kids letting him stay with them?

I bet he's already worn out his welcome with them.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 3:35 PM   #45
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jaclynxox89, I'd guess you have a choice to make. Staying married means accepting a different set of cultural norms...

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I will never leave my husband because overall, our bond and relationship is so strong.
These two quotes say it all. OP, if your statement is true and your husband knows it, then there is no hope he will ever change. Why would he?

You have to decide if my quote of you really is true. If not, then there is hope that your H will change but you have to be ready to leave and actually leave if he does not change.

If your quote really is true, then stop complaining and immerse yourself in his culture and way of life.

There is no wrong answer here, except to keep complaining and not make a decision to change things, one way or the other.
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