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I made my husband cry.


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 29th March 2019, 11:58 AM   #16
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A woman who wants what I am now, but hates and despises where I came from; my humble roots disgust her. She is disgusted by my non-English speaking family, the people who made sacrifices for me since I was a child, before I ever met her, the people who got me where I am now in life.

With my current lifestyle now, women want me, but there was a time I stayed with my uncle, they made space for me in their small house so I could attend school- "my brother's son is my own son, we are family, there is always space for family."

I understand where you are coming from, to an extent. I do not hate where my husband comes from. I do not hate my in-laws and I am not trying to change my husband. Lets be real: Can we at least agree that a married couple should be together, building their life without all this extra drama? The moment that my husband married me, I should have become his #1 priority. I'm not asking for his uncle to go back to Costa Rica, I'm asking for him to go somewhere else! Maybe my husband's brother which lives 10 minutes away, alone in a 1 BR with an empty bunk bed? No, my husband's uncle doesn't WANT to. I disagree 100% with what you said about a wife can be replaced, but not family. Are you for real? Our vows to each other was "to death do us part". We ARE family now. My husband and I truly have a strong relationship and neither of us believe in, or have ever even thought of divorce!

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Old 29th March 2019, 12:02 PM   #17
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The majority of people don't even consider divorce when they first marry. As you can see by the millions of divorces that happen their dream failed. Yes both a husband and wife can be replaced but the children will always be family.
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Old 29th March 2019, 12:03 PM   #18
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I just think he ought to help his uncle find another situation and get him out as soon as possible and tell him no next time, but I don't see him doing this. You living in the country is just one more reason why his uncle shouldn't be out there with you -- because there's no opportunity for him and he needs to go find opportunity. No wife should have to put up with having a third wheel in her home that she doesn't want there.
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Old 29th March 2019, 12:11 PM   #19
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The idea of the nuclear family is "normal" in the US, but in other cultures the nuclear family is not normal.
It took me two secs to find out that in Costa Rica the nuclear family is not "normal", large extended families are "normal", so I am not sure why you assumed your husband would follow American ways for life and end up denying his own culture...
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Old 29th March 2019, 12:16 PM   #20
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The majority of people don't even consider divorce when they first marry. As you can see by the millions of divorces that happen their dream failed. Yes both a husband and wife can be replaced but the children will always be family.

And maybe that is why so many marriages fail and end up in divorce. As soon as a couple has either one of a few disagreements, or goes through a phase of unhappiness, they go for divorce. That is not what my husband and I vowed to each other when we got married. We actually plan to renew our vows within the next year or so IN Costa Rica with his family that couldn't be at our wedding here.
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Old 29th March 2019, 12:19 PM   #21
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I just think he ought to help his uncle find another situation and get him out as soon as possible and tell him no next time, but I don't see him doing this. You living in the country is just one more reason why his uncle shouldn't be out there with you -- because there's no opportunity for him and he needs to go find opportunity. No wife should have to put up with having a third wheel in her home that she doesn't want there.

Even my mother-in-law asked my husband what the heck uncle Omar is still doing here? Every year, they say that he'll leave by the end of the year. When my husband built a huge home for his family in Costa Rica, his uncle has his own bedroom in their McMansion. There is absolutely no reason for him to be here. He is just here. Not working. No desire to do anything, just be here. He can't even work because just over a year ago, he ran in front of a car and apparently has back/spine trouble. He does run our home though so I doubt that the pain is as bad as he makes it sound, I feel like he is just dramatic.
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Old 29th March 2019, 12:23 PM   #22
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The idea of the nuclear family is "normal" in the US, but in other cultures the nuclear family is not normal.
It took me two secs to find out that in Costa Rica the nuclear family is not "normal", large extended families are "normal", so I am not sure why you assumed your husband would follow American ways for life and end up denying his own culture...



Because we started our relationship the traditional way: alone. No one ever anticipated that uncle omar would call my husband begging for mercy that he "couldn't take it anymore". I get it, was my husband supposed to say "no" to his uncle? I just don't understand: his uncle is literally the 3rd wheel. Whereever we go, he is there. I call him my husband's tail. Geez, a few months ago my husband and I were in our bedroom and his uncle just opened the door without knocking and my husband set him straight that one time and it hasn't happened again. It's just too much. My husband even says to me himself that he doesn't want this, it's just the way things are now and that he needs to take care of his uncle. Why can't his uncle move in with his single nephew that lives down the road? He lived with him before! He doesn't WANT to. My husband is not his uncle's only choice, but it kinda is because he likes to be babied by him.
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Old 29th March 2019, 12:28 PM   #23
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Your husband built a huge McMansion for his family in Costa Rica, maybe it is time to ask him what his real plans for your future are...
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Old 29th March 2019, 12:28 PM   #24
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Sounds like one of the senior relatives needs to tell him to get out of there or just come get him, but your husband will have to enlist them to help with that. He's there because he knows your husband is a pushover!
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Old 29th March 2019, 12:39 PM   #25
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And maybe that is why so many marriages fail and end up in divorce. As soon as a couple has either one of a few disagreements, or goes through a phase of unhappiness, they go for divorce. That is not what my husband and I vowed to each other when we got married. We actually plan to renew our vows within the next year or so IN Costa Rica with his family that couldn't be at our wedding here.
No. That isn’t how or why most people divorce. No matter what you do in this situation, please stop being so judgmental about something you know little about. It’s these kinds of blanket judgments that keep people in unhealthy or abusive marriages. Most people pour their heart and soul into their marriage, they do everything in their power to make it work, and it completely breaks their hearts when it has to end, despite all efforts. Then they have to deal with judgments such as yours.

Yes, spouses are expendable. That’s a fact. You can say what you want but your husband already spelled it out for you. So, since divorce is never, ever an option for you, then you need to deal with this situation as it is and stop complaining to your husband about it. It’s not going to change. Nagging will end you up in divorce court.

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Old 29th March 2019, 1:49 PM   #26
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I'm going to assume husband is a good guy or you wouldn't have married him. But your husband has a blind spot ... and that blind spot is probably sexism in his home culture.

You're being hit from two directions ... sexism from your husband, who expects you to go along with inviting in someone you don't know ... and sexism from the uncle, who doesn't imagine that he owes you some real gratitude and thanks and kindness for allowing him to live with you.

Let's flip it: imagine you invited one of YOUR friends or relatives to live with you guys for an extended time ... Someone who is NOT friendly to hubby, doesn't much bother to acknowledge hubby's existence and instead only talks to you. Wonder how that would go over with hubby!?

And let's get one thing out of the way. Language is not an insurmountable barrier to expressing warmth and gratitude to people who are hosting you and feeding you. People overcome the language barrier all the time--through smiles and holding doors and cooking food and buying gifts and helping out around the house and so on. Uncle's inability to speak English is NOT an excuse for his rudeness and distance. In fact, the greater part of human warmth and friendliness is expressed not through words ... but in body language and facial expressions.

Uncle disregards your presence because ... he doesn't think your presence needs acknowledging, and your husband has failed big time in not INSISTING that uncle treat you with the greatest of respect and warmth.

Your husband married you ... knowing you were not from his ethnic or national background. Therefore he made an implicit commitment to not live solely according to the traditional norms he grew up with. And if hubby is culturally sophisticated to attract you and impress you, he's culturally sophisticated enough to be aware that the gender roles are different here. And your view on people staying long term with you is as important as his view.

What to do now?

I'm of two minds. One mind is to take some of the practical suggestions and try to work around this problem ... try talking to the in-laws ... try striking up conversations with the uncle ... give hubby time to let go of some of his sexism and some of his old family ties. Do the crazy proactive move of giving uncle a gift ... Sounds desperate ... but you're desperate right now.

The other part of me says stand up and "fight" for acknowledgment.

I'll be blunt. One of my observation about women who've been married awhile ... is that this kind of behavior by your husband and his uncle creates long-simmering, red-hot rage. I mean rage! I've seen that rage in women who thought they didn't have it--until the fire came out. And almost always the rage has to do with having endured situations just like this when they felt their husbands (sometimes long deceased or divorced) ignored them in important decisions.

So don't let this go on too long. If you find yourself really shutting down and getting angry and withdrawing (withdrawing and shutting down are just inward forms of anger and rage) ... consider going to a therapist to make sure you are seeing all options.
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Old 29th March 2019, 2:27 PM   #27
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Possibly I'm stating the obvious, but there is likely a cultural issue here in that possibly in CR it's quite common (and a reasonable expectation) to have extended family living in the same home whereas in the US this is much less common or accepted.

Again maybe obvious, but you're husband is crying, I think, because he realizes that to a certain extent he must choose between wife and Family of Origin. He married an American without realizing some of the cultural assumptions that go along with that. The converse is true as well it seems when you married him.

You've shown patience and tolerance for a situation that you maybe never saw coming when you said I do. Also true commitment to your husband, which hopefully he recognizes and appreciates.

Maybe you've already done all this but I think it's time for him to give back a little by setting a real end date for his uncle's presence and a structured plan for him to move out. Think this needs to be a rational and loving discussion with him about how this happens, how it will make necessary room for future kids, and how the two of you can have a great life together while reasonably accommodating both your cultural perspectives. You should probably have many of the steps ready so he won't have to think of them himself (he may not be able to deal with that).

This is certainly easier said than done. I hope he wouldn't leave a loyal and loving woman such as yourself over this. Suggest you don't force him into that corner but instead show that you have been accommodating, but that the expectation of permanence for something like this isn't fair at this time in your relationship. Maybe when you're in your 50's extended family will be ok. Maybe you and he can retire to a huge house in CR with extended family around. (Think many people actually live like that and there are many benefits as well as drawbacks.)

Maybe. But for now something needs to be done.
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Old 29th March 2019, 2:30 PM   #28
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Your husband built a huge McMansion for his family in Costa Rica, maybe it is time to ask him what his real plans for your future are...

To Elaine's point, which is a valid one - sometimes this stuff does indeed happen (where the spouse's real loyalty is to their FOO).

Not saying this is the case with you, but IF you start getting any wierd vibes or gut feelings, pay attention to them - just in case...
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Old 29th March 2019, 2:31 PM   #29
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Divorce...

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Yeah, I agree with all of the above. Why didn't I have more awareness as he lived this way before? Because when we started dating, we got our own apartment. We lived alone. Things were normal. This all started happening 2 years after we got married. How was I supposed to know that this was going to happen?
.because you knew that he wasn't an orphan, and like most of us who aren't orphans, we have family, siblings, uncles, fathers etc. I think divorcing him isn't a bad option now, you don't have kids with him and you could replace him easily with a new guy.


Better still, replace him with a guy who grew up as an orphan, without a family. You won't have problems with 'non-English speaking, border jumping uncles'.
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Old 29th March 2019, 3:11 PM   #30
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I realize neither of you are right or wrong, but what is wrong is that if he thought that was ever a possibility in the future, he should have had a pre-marital discussion with you and you him, both of you, about what happens when are parents get old? Do we take them in? And that would be a discussion every couple needs to agree on before marrying and one that most people would have. And that would have covered this instance. But what's done is done. I think you need to find a situation where a relative moves him to someplace where it's less intrusive and everyone there is used to that "culture," because you are not and no reason you should be. So he needs to be with people who expect that.

I wouldn't want my household income going to that for very long either, but if you have to keep him, you need to find a house with an apartment with a separate entrance and not give him a key to the main house at ALL. Or your husband, if he really has all this money to spend on someone who won't work and isn't legal to work, needs to just make all the other relatives pitch him to pay for him a room to rent somewhere, a garage apartment, a studio apartment. You might suggest that. If this is the culture, they should ALL pitch in on it.
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