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Trouble brewing?


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Old 30th March 2019, 2:30 AM   #16
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I kinda get where you're coming from. I was married to a woman similar to yours and I had to tread a fine line of being emotionally available but also not legitimising every silly thought that popped into her head by apologising or trying to work it out when there was nothing legitimate to warrant her paranoia. In the end, her woe is me shtick was too much and I wasn't interested in pandering.
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Old 24th April 2019, 7:58 AM   #17
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Its been a week or two since my last post and its been a bit of a ride to say the least.

3 weeks ago our boiler sprung a leak and needed replacing, I think this together with the lack of work I am experiencing at the moment and a few other niggles caused my wife to shut down and she suffered a breakdown.

It took a few days to recognise the symptoms and get her to a doctor and a few more days for the drugs to take effect but she is well on the way to recovery now.

However whilst she was ill she kept mentioning the fact that I would be upset if I found out that she had had an affair, not suspicions that I had an affair but rather that she had. When she started feeling better I asked her ab out this, she said she knew what she was saying she didn't understand why she was saying as she's never had an affair.

Part of the breakdown was due to he feelings of inadequacy in almost every aspect of her life, partnering me, child rearing, work and her general over view of herself. No matter how much I reassure her she is loved and doing a good job she just feels crap about everything.

Hopefully she will now take up the counselling she is being offered to try and get better!
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Old 24th April 2019, 11:51 AM   #18
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3 weeks ago our boiler sprung a leak and needed replacing, I think this together with the lack of work I am experiencing at the moment and a few other niggles caused my wife to shut down and she suffered a breakdown.
Unless you're the master of understatement, none of the above explains a mental breakdown.

Could your wife be abusing prescription or street drugs? I'd guess there's more to the story...

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Old 24th April 2019, 7:33 PM   #19
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Unless you're the master of understatement, none of the above explains a mental breakdown.

Could your wife be abusing prescription or street drugs? I'd guess there's more to the story...

Mr. Lucky
I totally agree.

Or perhaps, she has a secret that she has been hiding from you and she is actually having an affair, which explains her extreme sensitivity to the subject and feelings of inadequacy/guilt as a wife and mother.
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Old 25th April 2019, 10:17 AM   #20
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There is a HUGE reason for her insecurities which I will NOT divulge here (or anywhere else for that matter) this happened in her formative years and she carries these scars with her always.

She is neither abusing prescription nor illicit drugs, I know this for sure.

She is nothing but honest with me, and I believe her. My first wife was a classic liar and was caught out time and time again by me so I know the signs of duplicity and connivance which liars use.

She is the youngest of 4, all the other are male the oldest (my age) basically still lives at home and has his parents do everything for him, the second is a classic middle child - everybody gets more attention than him, and the youngest male is so laid back he's basically pussy whipped by his other half.

Just over 7 years ago a huge fight erupted with the second son her parents and somehow we got dragged into it and two brothers will now have nothing to do with us, this breaks her heart and she has many sleepless nights thinking about this and why it happened. We weren't involved in the fight in any way but have suffered the fall out - my attitude is '**** them' we don't need them in our lives but she is on FakeBook and sees all the happy posts all the time and it upsets her.

She takes everything to heart, I asked her to top up my cup with more water when she was making tea - she took it as a criticism that she cant make tea, her mother come up behind her when she was peeling potatoes and cut them up smaller, rather than telling her mum to stop she said nothing but cried later as she thought her mum was being critical. Everything she does she second guesses peoples comments.

I tell her that what happened wasn't her fault but she see it differently and this affects her whole personality and outlook on life.
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Old 25th April 2019, 1:30 PM   #21
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Hi Whatsname, with everything that you have written about your wife, it is obvious that she is suffering from some serious neurosis. She needs to be under the care of a good, highly qualified psychiatrist who would have to delve deep into her psyche to determine what is causing her to suffer like this. This is something serious that is beyond her capability or yours,, for that matter, to handle by yourselves. If you truly love your wife then get her to a psychiatrist asap. This is just my opinion. Others may have a different view. Best wishes.
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Old 25th April 2019, 6:33 PM   #22
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OP, I fear the worst has happened here, I believe your wife when she said she had an affair, spontaneous utterances should be believed. I would have thought she was pretty close to cheating on you due to her treatment of you and the face she tends to go out dressed to the nines at bars til the wee hours of the morning. I think you should believe her confession and start to consider your wife may be BPD.
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Old 25th April 2019, 7:21 PM   #23
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I can well imagine what has happened to her in the past that would contribute to her extreme sensitivity, insecurity, and for lack of a better word, people pleasing behavior.

Still, you must realize that this kind of anxiety is FAR from what would be considered normal behavior for an adult woman. I do hope that she goes for counselling, if she has this much anxiety it must be absolutely crippling for her...
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Old 25th April 2019, 8:32 PM   #24
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There is a HUGE reason for her insecurities which I will NOT divulge here (or anywhere else for that matter) this happened in her formative years and she carries these scars with her always.

I tell her that what happened wasn't her fault but she see it differently and this affects her whole personality and outlook on life.
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...consider your wife may be BPD.
It's not that perceiving differently affects her personality... it's the other way around; her personality is predisposed to the self-loathing and extreme feelings of inadequacy. It's a fundamental deficit of identity and self-worth. I suspect that trauma in her formative years is the root of her issues.

I wouldn't jump to any conclusions as to whether she's had an affair. She may have been saying that to get a reaction, to see if you'd come unhinged... which would be something of an affirmation that you care. I do think that getting dressed up and going out to the bars and inviting male attention is a way of seeking validation. She doesn't believe in her intrinsic value as a person, so she's seeking validation through sexualization and inviting male attention.

These behaviors and extreme insecurities are consistent with BPD. They sound very much like my ex-wife (with the exception of overt sexualization as a means of validation). I was thinking as I read your descriptions that it sounds all too familiar. I definitely believe that she should be under psychiatric care, and I think she should take the MMPI-2 which will almost certainly identify the issues.

Regardless of whether she gets an official diagnosis, you would benefit from reading a book entitled "Stop Walking on Eggshells." How you deal with her is critical. You need to be affirming and set appropriate boundaries at the same time. The right kind of professional services will be key to her learning to manage her thoughts and feelings. I wish you both the best.
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Last edited by salparadise; 25th April 2019 at 8:34 PM..
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Old 2nd May 2019, 10:01 AM   #25
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I wouldn't jump to any conclusions as to whether she's had an affair.
I haven't a single thought about her having an affair, a close friend of hers had one for 18 months before her marriage ended and blamed the husband for the marriage breakdown, my wife was less than impressed by the infidelity and thinks the same as me, end any relationship before starting another.

We have seen a psychiatrist this week, her meds have been changed a bit and a plan to review her in 4 weeks and then arrange therapy and courses to help with the anxiety and self awareness and respect, hopefully we can have some joint counselling too so she can get a better understanding of my feeling for her and I can perhaps learn to communicate them better to make us both happier. We were told that once you've suffered a psychosis then the chances of more are increased.

The financial woes will take a little longer to straighten out but things are changing there slowly too so finger crossed.

She is willing, at the moment to take on the therapy and help being offered and as long as this lasts I think she will start to get a lot better and hopefully begin to make a good recovery and stay well for the foreseeable future.

I just need her to stop worrying that what happens to other peoples relationships will not necessarily happen to us!
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