Ittz Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 Hey all... Need advice on whether I should marry this guy. 8 months ago I was introduced to him by a friend -he is her cousin and lives in India- I live in the UK so we spoke on the phone everyday and went on holiday together last December when we met each other for the first time. We really liked each other and developed an instant attraction...we both have feelings for each other now. Problem now is that I went India with my parents last month so that his family and my family could meet and finalise the wedding...that didn’t really turn out too well... The main problem is the guy’s mom. She basically wants me to leave the UK and move to India and live with the guy and his family. She is saying that is what Indian tradition is....I mean I don’t know if she is crazy or what but I’ve never seen anyone ever do that in international marriages when one spouse is British.... Me and him had already decided that he would come to the UK and we would live here ...now his mom is finding it difficult to accept that and keeps emotionally blackmailing him saying I will miss you and you won’t get to see your siblings grow up etc ....this is making him feel sad too and he is now saying I will visit my mom for a couple of months each year ...maybe more than once in a year....that is worrying me because how are we supposed to have a stable married life here in the UK when he is going to concentrate on visiting his mom back home so much? His mom always wants things her way and is very stubborn ...I don’t know how things will be after we get married and he comes here in the UK....I do have feelings for him but how would I even deal with this I don’t understand. He is a bit of a mommy’s boy so according to him his mom can do no wrong ...so explaining anything to him is useless... I’m so confused if I should marry him or not...other than his mom being the problem he himself is a great guy and very decent too...he is everything I want in a man and I do feel blessed to have found him...is it worth letting go of him just because of his mom? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 It's not going to work out. And it's WAY too early for you to be marrying anyway. You barely know each other! You have family problems. He's going to end up doing what his mother says, because that's the culture. She'll lean on him until he does. It's too soon to marry. Tell him it's way too soon to marry and that IF he ever moves to UK and you have a chance to date properly for at least a year and see if you even still get along, THEN you can talk about marrying and staying in the UK. I guarantee you, he will not have the nerve to up and move to the UK and is just hoping he can get you married and then tell you what you must do, and then you're trapped. Stop. You don't know each other and you have insurmountable conflicts with family. If he wants to prove himself, he can move to UK unmarried first and date you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 25, 2019 Share Posted March 25, 2019 And it's WAY too early for you to be marrying anyway. You barely know each other! Exactly. Ittz, arranged marriages are the norm in your friend's country, so I can see why he'd want to do this. But why would you want to marry someone you met online 8 months ago and have spent very little time with? Is it that hard to find suitable partners in the UK? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 25, 2019 Share Posted March 25, 2019 Going from LDR to marriage seems crazy to me but it may be more normal where you are from. One of the things they emphasized in my premarital counseling is that both the bride & the groom need to separate from their families of origin & realize that the new spouse is now the most important person. If your SO can't or won't do that you will never have a happy, healthy marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted March 26, 2019 Share Posted March 26, 2019 One of the things they emphasized in my premarital counseling is that both the bride & the groom need to separate from their families of origin & realize that the new spouse is now the most important person. Oh, so true!!! Answer these questions and you will answer your own.... You have an opportunity that lots of others do not: You have a choice of countries to live and raise a family. What country has the most opportunities for you, your spouse and your children? Mom is making the demand to live in India, what will be her next demand? Can you meet all her demands for as long as she will lives? Or should I say for as long as your BF's memory of his mom lives? Is it really worth giving up "YOU" to meet her demands? You want to marry him, not his mom...... Find someone else that can make his own choices. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted March 27, 2019 Share Posted March 27, 2019 I think you need to know him better, and understand his culture. Why the rush to marry. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 27, 2019 Share Posted March 27, 2019 Don't do it. You would be crazy to give up a life in the UK to live in India, especially as a woman. 8 months is very early to marry in modern culture, especially in the UK. You are still in the honeymoon phase, and what you are seeing now is the first revelations of his true nature (which usually doesn't show up during honeymoon phase). I'd strongly recommend postponing the wedding for a year and waiting. You can still carry on dating him if you want to, but observe how he handles conflict with his mother, and continue to talk about what your plans together are. You may well find that you may decide not to go ahead with him, given more time together. Personally I think it would be best for you to ditch this guy and date locally, but that's up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts