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Issues with sister in law


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When we got married we moved 10mins walk from his parents house. At the time I was happy to as before we got married I loved his family they are warm people and nice to me. And they still are, but after getting to know them some more and spending SO much time with them I’m really starting to despise them.

 

I’ve always known that his mom spoilt him and his sister to bits but discovering the extent of it has absolutely disgusted me. His sister is mid 30s and hasn’t worked for over 10 years and living on welfare, mooching off her parents. She is too lazy to find a job, yet she smokes cigarettes a pack a day. She used to hang out with me quite a bit while I was on maternity leave, now she still tries to as I only work part time. But I’m really sick of being around her.

 

They r constantly complaining about no money. The amount of enabling from her mom is mind boggling, she used to drive the sister over to my house everyday so she can hang out with my dog until I said no you can’t come everyday anyway. Her mom buys her soft drinks as that’s the only thing she will drink, she refuse to drink water. Those r just some examples.

 

Also being so close, the constant them popping over or my husband popping over there to help them with something. I also feel it is impossible for my husband to quit smoking with his family around as they all chain smoke.

 

The only thing that prevented me moving away is because his mom babysits my son two days a week. But now I’m thinking is it worth it? Should me and husband move away from them? We do have our issues too and his family is just one of them.

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I hope that your son isn't being exposed to secondhand smoke.

 

I do agree that married couples need their space. However, since you despise your in-laws it would make sense for you to find someone else to babysit your son. In fact, using your MIL for childcare while hating her in your heart is rather disingenuous.

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In fact, using your MIL for childcare while hating her in your heart is rather disingenuous.

 

Have to agree, seems like no good deed goes unpunished. lil_missy, if we take your post at face value, you're leaving your son two days a week with someone you despise, and who's parenting skills you find lacking in the extreme.

 

Seems poor judgement on your part...

 

Mr. Lucky

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The Dude Abides

Hello Missy

 

I second what others have already said about finding other day care options for your son. Any money saved by leaving him with your MIL is NOT worth the trouble you are experiencing.

 

George Washington said “Beware of entangling alliances” and of course he meant in foregin affairs of the nation. I have learned (the hard way) that the same thing applies with families being TOO INVOLVED in the life of a married couple. Especially a newly married couple. I can tell you from personal experience that once you get started headed down this road it is very hard to retreat.

 

My strong advice is to somehow, someway, talk about this with your husband and work out something so you both limit your interactions and involvement with the family. Moving might be best. Limiting family visits to the typical thing of holidays, occasional visits for dinner, etc will be best. It’s the daily involvement in routine life that is really the biggest problem.

 

Good luck as you work on this with your husband and I hope he will agree with you.

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Thanks everyone for your replies,

 

I don’t despise my mother in law but sure as hell don’t agree with the way she raised her children including my husband. I think when my son is small (he is only 2) it is ok, but no way am I letting her influence him as he gets older.

 

I’m not using her because she loves her grandson and says he is her life and I know if we moved away ( actually when, since my husband already agreed to move it’s just a matter of time) she won’t be able to see him as much and it will break her heart. I figured it benefits both parties to let her take care of him for 2 days but now I am seeing it’s not worth it.

 

Now I’m trying to move away ASAP without burning the bridge with them all together. Bcuz they will know we are moving coz of me, my husband would be happily stayed where we are.

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My MIL is also fiercely against childcare and insisted that she takes care of him and also goes skits when I suggest I wanna cut his hair. As if she has a say in these matters, it’s my son not hers.

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Their values are different from yours. But dial down the hate. You can pity them because they have no life stills but let go of the resentment. It's only poisoning you.

 

Enforce boundaries & don't see them all the time because you disapprove of the choices they make but recognize that the choices are theirs & you don't get to dictate their lives.

 

When they complain about money, smile & sweetly say "have you thought about getting a job?"

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I don’t despise my mother in law but sure as hell don’t agree with the way she raised her children including my husband. I think when my son is small (he is only 2) it is ok, but no way am I letting her influence him as he gets older.

 

Read some books on child development, you'll understand many lifelong behaviors are influenced by what we learn when very young. I guarantee that, good or bad, she's having an impact on him...

 

Mr. Lucky

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So, if I understand it correctly, your actual beef is with how other people are choosing to live their lives? (Spoil their adult children, smoke, complain about {lack of} money, etc.) But.

How does how his mother chooses to treat her daughter/children impact your own ability or capacity to live your live how you want to live it?

I’m not using her because she loves her grandson and says he is her life <snip>

Yes, of course you are using her. Because you're being all judgmental and negative against her on one side, while happily taking from her only what benefits you, on the other.

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My MIL is also fiercely against childcare and insisted that she takes care of him and also goes skits when I suggest I wanna cut his hair. As if she has a say in these matters, it’s my son not hers.

 

If your MIL didn't have a such strong influence in your parenting decisions, then you wouldn't allow her to bully you into keeping your son.

 

Her insistence should be meaningless.

 

You and your husband need to be a united front and stand up to your in-laws. Do not accept any favors from them either.

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she used to drive the sister over to my house everyday so she can hang out with my dog

 

 

That must be one interesting dog.

 

 

 

I also feel it is impossible for my husband to quit smoking with his family around as they all chain smoke.

 

 

If quitting is that important to him, he'll do it on his own. If he's smoking inside the house (and car, and around his son), it's extremely reckless and irresponsible at least as far as the young child being exposed to it, as well as other nonsmokers including you (assuming you don't smoke). It's a sign of even deeper problems.

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So you don’t like how they live but you don’t live with them & they seem to actually respect your wishes, as in your sister in law not coming over as much.

 

No family unit is perfect & you can’t blme anyone else on your husband choice to smoke. What is he 15 & can’t be his own man? You can’t blame anyone on another adult’s choices.

 

It’s fine to disagree wth another family’s ways but remember one day your daughter in law may not like you & want your son to loive bc she doesn’t agree with your behavior. Moving is your own adult choice but you’re doing it out of being extremely judgmental & that’s not really a way to be either. We teach kids to do the right thing & not stick their business in other’s households & you’re teaching “if you don’t like something that has nothing to do with you, judge & then write them off”...it’s not very nice to do. If my father had done that to my mom’s family we would have never known them & I learned A lot on how not to be & how you can love people but not agree with their lifestyle. What is your goal to teach your child? Drop everyone in life bc they don’t live exactly like you? Are they drug addicts, do they beat each other, do they steal? What you’re explaining is underachieving but is that really that horrible?

 

Your MIL loves her grandchild & I highly doubt 2 days a week is doing major damage. Also if you’re a good enough parent, outside influences really shouldn’t matter that much. It’s what a child learns from their parents that mean the most & I’ll let you in on a little secret...there’s things you do that people would say they don’t agree with bc that’s life & would you want them to judge you & not want to be around you, if what you’re doing doesn’t really affect them?

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So me and hubby have had our share of marriage problems and our marriage is on the rocks as it is. But now another spanned in the works.

So our son is 2.5 years old, when he was born I had depression and insomnia and really needed someone to help us look after him a night or two a week so I can have a rest. My Mother in law stepped in and came to my help when I needed it, for that I’m very grateful.

But I had my reservations as she is a chain smoker and so is her husband and daughter that lives with her. I didn’t really want my child in that kind of environment but I couldn’t cope at the time. She wants to quit and is very careful to not smoke around him so I let her take care of him and it continued over the past 2 years for 2 days a week as I’ve gone back to work part time.

My son is healthy and doesn’t get sick often, I’m still a lil concerned but couldn’t really say much as my hubby is also a smoker.

 

Now my mother in law has dropped a bombshell on me that she is going back to work full time and will not be looking after my son for 2 days anymore. She said not to worry my sister in law will look after him instead.

 

Now the thing is I’ve never had much respect for my sister in law, she’s 33 and never worked more than a year in her life, smokes like chimney and basically mooching of her parents, gets up past noon everyday then laze around the house all day smoking and watching tv.

 

She is nice enough and pretty good with kids and my son is very fond of her. But my main concern is her smoking and she has never expressed desire to quit or cut down.

 

So I got very upset with my hubby when he delivered the news, I feel like I do not want her to look after my son, and he and his mother got very offended saying that she is more than capable of looking after him. How? I don’t understand, from my point of view she has not done one thing successfully in her whole entire life. Her mom also said it will be “good for her” which I interpret as a chance for her to actually take responsibility for something for once in her life. But I want the best for my child, he is not a charity case to help a hopeless person have some purpose in life.

 

So we fought about it really bad and I still haven’t decided what to do, I could send him to child care but that’s very long hours a day away from anyone he knows and I worry for him. But I don’t feel good about leaving him with my sister in law either. Is it wrong for me to feel this way?

 

This could also be the straw that breaks the camels back, I feel my marriage migh finally end for good over this

Edited by lil_missy
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OP...I'm amazed you tolerated the cancer house as long as you have. BTW, why is day care hours away? To you live in northern Canada or something? Are you sure you cannot find anything closer since you didn't seem to picky thus far?

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You have an awful lot of bad things to say about these people who have taken care of YOUR SON for free all this time. The persons on the receiving end of "charity" here are you and your husband, not your MIL or your SIL. It absolutely astounds me that you think getting your SIL to watch your son for free is a "charity case" to her! :confused:

 

What were your plans for childcare BEFORE you gave birth to your son, if you don't want your in laws to be looking after him and there is no daycare available? If you feel strongly against smoking (and I can understand that, because I do too), why did you marry a smoker and have children with him in the first place? It sounds to me like you are taking no responsibility for the pickle that you and your family are currently in, and instead placing all the blame on your in-laws who have done nothing but help you.

 

How about you decline the SIL's offer of help, but hire a local girl to come over and watch your son a few evenings a week? Or, if you can't find anyone else, you could pay your SIL an hourly fee to do that, with the condition that she watch him inside your house and no smoking while she does so. Yes, I mean pay her, like a job, not expect her to do it for free. That way you have the right to stipulate the conditions.

Edited by Elswyth
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introverted1

OP, have you been paying your MIL for her help, or has she been watching your son for free? If the latter, I don't understand how you can possibly be annoyed that she now needs to earn money. If you feel strongly that you want your MIL to continue to care for your son, then perhaps you should offer to pay her for her services.

 

Bottom line is that it is your responsibility to find suitable care for your child. It's lovely that your in-laws have been helping but, if they are not longer available or suitable, then it's on you to find an alternative.

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This could also be the straw that breaks the camels back, I feel my marriage migh finally end for good over this

 

Don't quite understand how this issue would be the thing that tips the balance in your marriage.

 

It's the joint responsibility of you and your H to find care for your child. He's suggested SIL, based on the history to date, not an unreasonable designation. She doesn't seem to be providing an environment - or demand for pay - much different than your MIL.

 

And you've objected, blamed him and suggested...nothing? All you've done is listed the reasons non of the alternatives are suitable.

 

lil_missy, it's unclear at this point what you want for your son's care...

 

Mr. Lucky

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OP...I'm amazed you tolerated the cancer house as long as you have. BTW, why is day care hours away? To you live in northern Canada or something? Are you sure you cannot find anything closer since you didn't seem to picky thus far?

 

No child care is not hours away. I’ve started to put him in childcare as a trial but he cries all the time and that’s leaving him there for a few hours. But if I leave him there for a whole day that 8am til 6pm by the time we get home from work a thats 10hrs a day I’m worried about how he would cope. So I meant it’s long hours at childcare.

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You have an awful lot of bad things to say about these people who have taken care of YOUR SON for free all this time. The persons on the receiving end of "charity" here are you and your husband, not your MIL or your SIL. It absolutely astounds me that you think getting your SIL to watch your son for free is a "charity case" to her! :confused:

 

What were your plans for childcare BEFORE you gave birth to your son, if you don't want your in laws to be looking after him and there is no daycare available? If you feel strongly against smoking (and I can understand that, because I do too), why did you marry a smoker and have children with him in the first place? It sounds to me like you are taking no responsibility for the pickle that you and your family are currently in, and instead placing all the blame on your in-laws who have done nothing but help you.

 

How about you decline the SIL's offer of help, but hire a local girl to come over and watch your son a few evenings a week? Or, if you can't find anyone else, you could pay your SIL an hourly fee to do that, with the condition that she watch him inside your house and no smoking while she does so. Yes, I mean pay her, like a job, not expect her to do it for free. That way you have the right to stipulate the conditions.

 

It’s quite normal in some cultures for grandparents to look after their grandkids so I didn’t see it as “charity” for us. We didn’t ask her to look after him, MIL was fiercely against childcare and wanted to look after him herself. I do appreciate it like I said. But I am also concerned about the amount of smoking that they do. Is it so wrong that I just want the best care for my son?

As for my SIL, I’m worried that she smokes more than my MIL and she hasn’t really taken any responsibility in her life so far so I’m worried about leaving my son with her for extended amount of time. Sure she plays with him and loves him but there’s a lot more to care of a child, she has not changed a nappy or prepared a meal for him ever before. I know she could learn and could proof to be a good baby sitter but it’s just not certain I’m just not sure. Is it not ok to have concerns?

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OP, have you been paying your MIL for her help, or has she been watching your son for free? If the latter, I don't understand how you can possibly be annoyed that she now needs to earn money. If you feel strongly that you want your MIL to continue to care for your son, then perhaps you should offer to pay her for her services.

 

Bottom line is that it is your responsibility to find suitable care for your child. It's lovely that your in-laws have been helping but, if they are not longer available or suitable, then it's on you to find an alternative.

 

No I’m not annoyed that she has to go earn money now. I didn’t expect it it came outta the blue and I thought she was gonna retire soon. I’m just concerns about the other child care options for my son ( either child care or my SIL )

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It’s quite normal in some cultures for grandparents to look after their grandkids so I didn’t see it as “charity” for us. We didn’t ask her to look after him, MIL was fiercely against childcare and wanted to look after him herself. I do appreciate it like I said. But I am also concerned about the amount of smoking that they do. Is it so wrong that I just want the best care for my son?

As for my SIL, I’m worried that she smokes more than my MIL and she hasn’t really taken any responsibility in her life so far so I’m worried about leaving my son with her for extended amount of time. Sure she plays with him and loves him but there’s a lot more to care of a child, she has not changed a nappy or prepared a meal for him ever before. I know she could learn and could proof to be a good baby sitter but it’s just not certain I’m just not sure. Is it not ok to have concerns?

 

 

I think you are missing the basic point that you and your husband are not entitled to free, quality childcare of your choice. If you can get it, great, be immensely grateful, but it's your responsibility to have a backup plan.

 

 

 

If you don't like the free option you can absolutely decline it and pay for a carer of your choice. But don't sit around complaining about the free option when those people are doing you a favour. Imagine if your dad came over to mow your lawn for free and then your husband started complaining about the quality of his work, while simultaneously not coming up with any other suggestions for how the lawn could get mowed. How would you feel?

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Don't quite understand how this issue would be the thing that tips the balance in your marriage.

 

It's the joint responsibility of you and your H to find care for your child. He's suggested SIL, based on the history to date, not an unreasonable designation. She doesn't seem to be providing an environment - or demand for pay - much different than your MIL.

 

And you've objected, blamed him and suggested...nothing? All you've done is listed the reasons non of the alternatives are suitable.

 

lil_missy, it's unclear at this point what you want for your son's care...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I don’t really know what’s best for my son at this point, it’s either 10 hours a day of childcare which he will hate at first but hopefully adjust. Or my SIL who smokes a lot but he loves.

 

I say it may tip the scales in my marriage only bcuz we’ve been fighting so bad about other stuff and we already broke up for a day last week , so we are already really fragile, and my hubby hates my family and I don’t get along with his. It’s like everything is going against us. We don’t have much money to spare either coz hubby had to pay off a 20k debt recently. Everything is putting so much strain on our marriage. And I guess he feels I don’t appreciate his family and has disrespected his family

Edited by lil_missy
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I think you are missing the basic point that you and your husband are not entitled to free, quality childcare of your choice. If you can get it, great, be immensely grateful, but it's your responsibility to have a backup plan.

 

 

 

If you don't like the free option you can absolutely decline it and pay for a carer of your choice. But don't sit around complaining about the free option when those people are doing you a favour. Imagine if your dad came over to mow your lawn for free and then your husband started complaining about the quality of his work, while simultaneously not coming up with any other suggestions for how the lawn could get mowed. How would you feel?

 

I understand what your saying we are not entitled to anything. I agree.

But I think it’s a bit diff to mowing a lawn as this is about the welfare of my baby boy and what is best for him. I just want the best for him it’s not like I’m demanding this and that for myself .

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I understand what your saying we are not entitled to anything. I agree.

But I think it’s a bit diff to mowing a lawn as this is about the welfare of my baby boy and what is best for him. I just want the best for him it’s not like I’m demanding this and that for myself .

 

Of course you can choose who you want to care for your child. I was referring to the entire tone of your opening post, including the derogatory comments about the SIL who has never done you any harm. If you have used this tone in communication with your husband, it's not surprising that he is upset with you.

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