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Issues with sister in law


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Old 28th January 2019, 7:24 PM   #1
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I cannot stand his family

When we got married we moved 10mins walk from his parents house. At the time I was happy to as before we got married I loved his family they are warm people and nice to me. And they still are, but after getting to know them some more and spending SO much time with them Iím really starting to despise them.

Iíve always known that his mom spoilt him and his sister to bits but discovering the extent of it has absolutely disgusted me. His sister is mid 30s and hasnít worked for over 10 years and living on welfare, mooching off her parents. She is too lazy to find a job, yet she smokes cigarettes a pack a day. She used to hang out with me quite a bit while I was on maternity leave, now she still tries to as I only work part time. But Iím really sick of being around her.

They r constantly complaining about no money. The amount of enabling from her mom is mind boggling, she used to drive the sister over to my house everyday so she can hang out with my dog until I said no you canít come everyday anyway. Her mom buys her soft drinks as thatís the only thing she will drink, she refuse to drink water. Those r just some examples.

Also being so close, the constant them popping over or my husband popping over there to help them with something. I also feel it is impossible for my husband to quit smoking with his family around as they all chain smoke.

The only thing that prevented me moving away is because his mom babysits my son two days a week. But now Iím thinking is it worth it? Should me and husband move away from them? We do have our issues too and his family is just one of them.
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Old 28th January 2019, 11:09 PM   #2
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I hope that your son isn't being exposed to secondhand smoke.

I do agree that married couples need their space. However, since you despise your in-laws it would make sense for you to find someone else to babysit your son. In fact, using your MIL for childcare while hating her in your heart is rather disingenuous.
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Old 29th January 2019, 12:27 AM   #3
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In fact, using your MIL for childcare while hating her in your heart is rather disingenuous.
Have to agree, seems like no good deed goes unpunished. lil_missy, if we take your post at face value, you're leaving your son two days a week with someone you despise, and who's parenting skills you find lacking in the extreme.

Seems poor judgement on your part...

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Old 29th January 2019, 12:44 AM   #4
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Hello Missy

I second what others have already said about finding other day care options for your son. Any money saved by leaving him with your MIL is NOT worth the trouble you are experiencing.

George Washington said ďBeware of entangling alliancesĒ and of course he meant in foregin affairs of the nation. I have learned (the hard way) that the same thing applies with families being TOO INVOLVED in the life of a married couple. Especially a newly married couple. I can tell you from personal experience that once you get started headed down this road it is very hard to retreat.

My strong advice is to somehow, someway, talk about this with your husband and work out something so you both limit your interactions and involvement with the family. Moving might be best. Limiting family visits to the typical thing of holidays, occasional visits for dinner, etc will be best. Itís the daily involvement in routine life that is really the biggest problem.

Good luck as you work on this with your husband and I hope he will agree with you.
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Old 29th January 2019, 2:12 AM   #5
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Thanks everyone for your replies,

I donít despise my mother in law but sure as hell donít agree with the way she raised her children including my husband. I think when my son is small (he is only 2) it is ok, but no way am I letting her influence him as he gets older.

Iím not using her because she loves her grandson and says he is her life and I know if we moved away ( actually when, since my husband already agreed to move itís just a matter of time) she wonít be able to see him as much and it will break her heart. I figured it benefits both parties to let her take care of him for 2 days but now I am seeing itís not worth it.

Now Iím trying to move away ASAP without burning the bridge with them all together. Bcuz they will know we are moving coz of me, my husband would be happily stayed where we are.
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Old 29th January 2019, 2:16 AM   #6
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My MIL is also fiercely against childcare and insisted that she takes care of him and also goes skits when I suggest I wanna cut his hair. As if she has a say in these matters, itís my son not hers.
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Old 29th January 2019, 8:20 AM   #7
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Their values are different from yours. But dial down the hate. You can pity them because they have no life stills but let go of the resentment. It's only poisoning you.

Enforce boundaries & don't see them all the time because you disapprove of the choices they make but recognize that the choices are theirs & you don't get to dictate their lives.

When they complain about money, smile & sweetly say "have you thought about getting a job?"
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Old 29th January 2019, 12:14 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by lil_missy View Post
I donít despise my mother in law but sure as hell donít agree with the way she raised her children including my husband. I think when my son is small (he is only 2) it is ok, but no way am I letting her influence him as he gets older.
Read some books on child development, you'll understand many lifelong behaviors are influenced by what we learn when very young. I guarantee that, good or bad, she's having an impact on him...

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Old 3rd February 2019, 7:18 PM   #9
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I'm concerned about your son being exposed to so much cigarette smoke
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Old 5th February 2019, 4:23 PM   #10
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So, if I understand it correctly, your actual beef is with how other people are choosing to live their lives? (Spoil their adult children, smoke, complain about {lack of} money, etc.) But.
How does how his mother chooses to treat her daughter/children impact your own ability or capacity to live your live how you want to live it?
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I’m not using her because she loves her grandson and says he is her life <snip>
Yes, of course you are using her. Because you're being all judgmental and negative against her on one side, while happily taking from her only what benefits you, on the other.
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Old 5th February 2019, 4:34 PM   #11
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My MIL is also fiercely against childcare and insisted that she takes care of him and also goes skits when I suggest I wanna cut his hair. As if she has a say in these matters, it’s my son not hers.
If your MIL didn't have a such strong influence in your parenting decisions, then you wouldn't allow her to bully you into keeping your son.

Her insistence should be meaningless.

You and your husband need to be a united front and stand up to your in-laws. Do not accept any favors from them either.
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Old 5th February 2019, 5:48 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by lil_missy View Post
she used to drive the sister over to my house everyday so she can hang out with my dog

That must be one interesting dog.



Quote:
Originally Posted by lil_missy View Post
I also feel it is impossible for my husband to quit smoking with his family around as they all chain smoke.

If quitting is that important to him, he'll do it on his own. If he's smoking inside the house (and car, and around his son), it's extremely reckless and irresponsible at least as far as the young child being exposed to it, as well as other nonsmokers including you (assuming you don't smoke). It's a sign of even deeper problems.
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Old 6th February 2019, 9:53 PM   #13
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So you donít like how they live but you donít live with them & they seem to actually respect your wishes, as in your sister in law not coming over as much.

No family unit is perfect & you canít blme anyone else on your husband choice to smoke. What is he 15 & canít be his own man? You canít blame anyone on another adultís choices.

Itís fine to disagree wth another familyís ways but remember one day your daughter in law may not like you & want your son to loive bc she doesnít agree with your behavior. Moving is your own adult choice but youíre doing it out of being extremely judgmental & thatís not really a way to be either. We teach kids to do the right thing & not stick their business in otherís households & youíre teaching ďif you donít like something that has nothing to do with you, judge & then write them offĒ...itís not very nice to do. If my father had done that to my momís family we would have never known them & I learned A lot on how not to be & how you can love people but not agree with their lifestyle. What is your goal to teach your child? Drop everyone in life bc they donít live exactly like you? Are they drug addicts, do they beat each other, do they steal? What youíre explaining is underachieving but is that really that horrible?

Your MIL loves her grandchild & I highly doubt 2 days a week is doing major damage. Also if youíre a good enough parent, outside influences really shouldnít matter that much. Itís what a child learns from their parents that mean the most & Iíll let you in on a little secret...thereís things you do that people would say they donít agree with bc thatís life & would you want them to judge you & not want to be around you, if what youíre doing doesnít really affect them?
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Old 18th March 2019, 12:01 AM   #14
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Issues with sister in law

So me and hubby have had our share of marriage problems and our marriage is on the rocks as it is. But now another spanned in the works.
So our son is 2.5 years old, when he was born I had depression and insomnia and really needed someone to help us look after him a night or two a week so I can have a rest. My Mother in law stepped in and came to my help when I needed it, for that I’m very grateful.
But I had my reservations as she is a chain smoker and so is her husband and daughter that lives with her. I didn’t really want my child in that kind of environment but I couldn’t cope at the time. She wants to quit and is very careful to not smoke around him so I let her take care of him and it continued over the past 2 years for 2 days a week as I’ve gone back to work part time.
My son is healthy and doesn’t get sick often, I’m still a lil concerned but couldn’t really say much as my hubby is also a smoker.

Now my mother in law has dropped a bombshell on me that she is going back to work full time and will not be looking after my son for 2 days anymore. She said not to worry my sister in law will look after him instead.

Now the thing is I’ve never had much respect for my sister in law, she’s 33 and never worked more than a year in her life, smokes like chimney and basically mooching of her parents, gets up past noon everyday then laze around the house all day smoking and watching tv.

She is nice enough and pretty good with kids and my son is very fond of her. But my main concern is her smoking and she has never expressed desire to quit or cut down.

So I got very upset with my hubby when he delivered the news, I feel like I do not want her to look after my son, and he and his mother got very offended saying that she is more than capable of looking after him. How? I don’t understand, from my point of view she has not done one thing successfully in her whole entire life. Her mom also said it will be “good for her” which I interpret as a chance for her to actually take responsibility for something for once in her life. But I want the best for my child, he is not a charity case to help a hopeless person have some purpose in life.

So we fought about it really bad and I still haven’t decided what to do, I could send him to child care but that’s very long hours a day away from anyone he knows and I worry for him. But I don’t feel good about leaving him with my sister in law either. Is it wrong for me to feel this way?

This could also be the straw that breaks the camels back, I feel my marriage migh finally end for good over this

Last edited by lil_missy; 18th March 2019 at 12:10 AM..
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Old 18th March 2019, 8:40 AM   #15
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OP...I'm amazed you tolerated the cancer house as long as you have. BTW, why is day care hours away? To you live in northern Canada or something? Are you sure you cannot find anything closer since you didn't seem to picky thus far?
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