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Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 11th March 2019, 11:10 PM   #1
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Using For Comfort

I had a therapy session today.

I remember back to when I first posted here. How in denial I was, and even now I kind of still am. Some here without actually knowing me in person were able to intercept a lot more than I was even able too.

This has been an issue or a reflection I had been discussing for a few weeks now in therapy. Today my therapist asked me if I thought I was attracted to my husband because deep down I knew I could count on him. Right away I answered that it was one of the reasons why I was attracted to him because he was reliable, but then I commented isn't that a good reason for anyone to want to be with someone.

Then she asked me if I thought I was reliable. I sat there and didn't say a word. It took a good few minutes before I could honestly admit I wasn't a reliable partner. It's obvious, but then she asked me if my affair partner was reliable. I told her he wasn't, but that I never really wanted a relationship with him.

That is when she asked me if my husband was reliable, and that I was attracted to that, then why was I having an inappropriate relationship with my affair partner. I said because I was selfish. Then she pushed further and told me to think about why. She said if I find comfort and can rely on my husband why isn't that good enough.

I left the session with so many emotions. Then I came back on here and started reading some of my old posts. Trying to find some insight then it became clear. It has been discussed and suggested here before. My husband has always been there when there is a problem. That it goes beyond being reliable, it is an uneven field. I'm taking from him, and giving nothing back. I can't control his need to want to solve all my problems for me, but I can control how I react.

It's of course only a small part of the many issues I still need to work through. But now that it's crystal clear, its something I can work on. Something I need to overcome; otherwise, I won't' be safe for anyone.
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:57 AM   #2
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Good insight, keep on the path.
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Old 12th March 2019, 11:01 AM   #3
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If you think about it, a lot of times children act out worse with their parents because they know their parents are their "safe space" and are going to love them no matter what.

It is testing boundaries with children because they are just learning how to 'live' in the world and what is/isn't appropriate.

I wonder if in some way, you know that your husband does love you rather unconditionally and that is why you have taken advantage and cheated on him? And I wonder what it is that you are seeking for doing this? Validation that you are loved? Proof? What kind of attention did you miss as a child?

Just some random thoughts.

You are doing great!
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Old 12th March 2019, 11:56 AM   #4
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I have talked about my family in depth. My parents did divorce when I was younger. I was bullied in school, did poorly in school because of a learning disability. But I would say that my parents were good parents. My mom despite me being a little **** was always in my corner. When I rebelled in high school leading to dropping out, dating and moving in with an abusive man, she was there. She did everything in her legal power to help.

I met my husband in a strip club. Everyone is right, at least on a subconscious level I used him from the beginning. I went from an abusive relationship with someone who would do anything for me. At the time I don't think he even realized it. He was out of a long term relationship, who got dragged into a club my co-workers, and we just met. WHy he chose me out of all the women working there I don't know. He tells me because I had a presence about me, but not sure how he could come to that conclusion, but it is what it is.

But I do realize I did use him for comfort from the beginning. I loved being treated with respect, I used him as an excuse to quit my job instead of just quitting. I don't know if that makes sense. But he was the great support for me. And maybe he does love me unconditionally.

The thought that really bothers me, and it should. It should make me feel like absolute crap and I don't know what my husband would feel or think if I admitted it. But I do think for atleast the first few years of our relationship, I didn't love him. I viewed him as an escape from that life. It sick to think about it. But over time, getting pregnant, engaged and eventually marriage, feelings grew for him. This past year, my love for him has been it's greatest. I'm appreciating him for who he is. I'm no longer just taking from him, but giving back. I'm being the wife and the person he should have had all along.

Last edited by TheRainbow; 12th March 2019 at 11:58 AM..
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