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Would this make you jealous? Too far?


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 10th March 2019, 8:35 PM   #1
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Would this make you jealous? Too far?

My fiance of 4 years hired an assistant about 8 months ago. I wasn't thrilled in the beginning because I heard him telling her his life story DURING THE INTERVIEW including how he conceived his third child with his first wife and how he took care of her -- with child support etc etc.

I was in the adjoining office and I was sick to my stomach. At that time he told me I was CRAZY for being jealous and I needed to get a grip. He said he likes to talk and if I had a problem too bad. At that time he told me he already hired her and if I had a problem that it was my problem and insisted that he would pick her over me. Again I felt insecure about my fears so I let it go....

Since then I haven't gone to meet her. I leave it alone. I am consistently quiet yet positive when he talks about how amazing she is.... he thinks she is very competent.

She is 26, married with 1 child and another on the way.

Last month she pulled my fiance aside and told him that she and her husband were trying for another child and wanted to let him know. I didn't say anythig but I thought it was weird.

Then yesterday, I saw that he texted something work related and she replied back with a pic of herself -- someone flirty in a cowboy hat...and said "i'm a real cowgirl".

I didn't say much...I wasn't happy. I was fairly quiet and he noticed. He finally said he's sick of our problems and relationship ...etc.

(I should also say that I overheard his 24 year old daughter joking with her bf that if the assistant's baby was HIS (my fiance) she would be proud....

He said that i'm acting weird and he wondered if I'm open to finding a new relationship ...and all kinds of other horrible things.'

BUT When I told him I saw his assistant's text I got concerned. He said that I need to stop...it was fine.... that I'm taking it out of context.

He told me if I ever caused problems with this assistant -- that he would leave me.

I said you would LEAVE ME over HER? He said yes, because it would be stupid crap and that I would prove to endanger his business and money.

What would you say to this?

Then on a semi related note - today he started having shortness of breathe and told me he thought he was having a heart attack. This happens frequently now. I started to try and ask him after a few minutes of his rocking back and forth if he was okay and he BLEW up and said that no one can get better with my constant questions...and that I am really annoying.

Then he told me that the reason he is "dying" is that this life and stress is causing it and he hopes i"m happy. After about 10 min of this drama he got up and went and worked out.... After he left I went to the corner store to get a bottle of wine to calm down. He tracked me on my phone, called me and asked why I was getting wine and told me I have a REAL problem...

Last edited by rolarola; 10th March 2019 at 8:39 PM..
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Old 10th March 2019, 11:03 PM   #2
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Then on a semi related note - today he started having shortness of breathe and told me he thought he was having a heart attack. This happens frequently now. I started to try and ask him after a few minutes of his rocking back and forth if he was okay and he BLEW up and said that no one can get better with my constant questions...and that I am really annoying.

Then he told me that the reason he is "dying" is that this life and stress is causing it and he hopes i"m happy.
Take out life insurance. He doesn't even need to sign the policy. If he dies then at least you get the last laugh. This guy sounds like an A-hole.
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Old 10th March 2019, 11:15 PM   #3
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you need to leave this clown
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Old 10th March 2019, 11:21 PM   #4
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The day that my husband told me he would leave me for another woman would be the day that I packed him a bag and sent him out the door and straight into her arms...

If she wants him, she could have him.
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Old 10th March 2019, 11:24 PM   #5
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You deserve better so do NOT marry him!

He is having stress and anxiety (he isn't dying or having a heart attack) as he knows what he's doing is wrong and is making you crazy *gaslighting* you. (google gaslighting and compare it to how he is acting towards you)

End your engagement, seems he is waiting for you to pull the plug as he doesn't have the courage to.

He was totally unprofessional from day one opening up about his personal life like that with her.
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Old 10th March 2019, 11:24 PM   #6
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Don't drink wine to self medicate.
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Old 11th March 2019, 12:14 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by rolarola View Post
He told me if I ever caused problems with this assistant -- that he would leave me.

I said you would LEAVE ME over HER? He said yes, because it would be stupid crap and that I would prove to endanger his business and money.

What would you say to this?
I'd say, "OK, goodbye".

He's actually done you a favor, leaving very little doubt about where you stand. He didn't hesitate, equivocate or obfuscate, just came straight out and told you you don't matter.

rolarola, at least from here, seems pretty clear...

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Old 11th March 2019, 11:00 AM   #8
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You can do better. 4 years is a long time, but a in the grand scheme of things a small price to pay to learn the lesson of observing someone's behavior is more accurate gauge of character than listening to their words. Don't make the lesson more costly than it need be.
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Old 11th March 2019, 11:20 AM   #9
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this story sounds strangely familiar under a different poster name.

merged thread:

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/tra...-dad-cheats-me

plenty of good advice there.
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Old 11th March 2019, 12:01 PM   #10
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this story sounds strangely familiar under a different poster name.
Agreed. The whole "overheard the conversation from another room" scenario rang a faint bell. Nice catch...

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Old 11th March 2019, 12:51 PM   #11
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If this is the same poster hope to God she escapes that terrible relationship...
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Old 11th March 2019, 1:02 PM   #12
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Well, he really starts off getting too personal with women at work, that's for sure. It wouldn't be unusual, once hired, after you work with someone a few months, to start learning about their marriage, kids, etc.


Look, all I can tell you is I'm 66 and I've repeatedly seen men who are bosses in charge of hiring hire mostly young 20-something hot looking women and using the workplace as their brothel when they can get any nod from any of them.

That said, she is letting HIM know she and her HUSBAND are trying to get pregnant, which isn't really a big turn-on. At all. They're too chummy in text and I don't see why they need to text about anything nonbusiness related more than a couple times a year, and certainly it is a concern if they just text personal stuff back and forth for no reason. Because men don't usually want to be "just friends" with women. That's why. She may be feeling like being "just friends" with him is a great career move, but what's his excuse?
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Old 11th March 2019, 1:15 PM   #13
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I wouldn't be jealous. I'd have left already. This guy is toxic and he sounds abusive. The mere fact that you have to ask this question suggests you are already losing your sense of what's normal.

Have you been "engaged" for 4 years? Who does that? It's time to revoke that lease and save yourself. In fact, if you leave now you can avoid all the drama when his behavior with the new assistant starts to blow-up her household as well.

He's dysfunctional and using you as an emotional punching bag. Being jealous seems insignificant at best.

Last edited by Turning point; 11th March 2019 at 1:18 PM..
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Old 19th March 2019, 10:13 PM   #14
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Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us. It is understandable the way what you feel. It is understandable that you feel betrayed for your partner. Did he give you signs of having more interests for this assistant more than a job relationship? It seems that he may felt trusted by her to share his personal life. Love is to make a decision, not a feeling. Like friendship love is a commitment of two not three persons. When two come together in a relationship, it takes commitment and understanding of each other with mutual respect and trust. It is understandable that you expect sincerity from his part; however I think that you have all the answers to this situation. I encourage you to evaluate this situation with your boyfriend and then if you see that is not going to work, move on. Sending you hugs and I will keep you in my prayers, my friend.
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Old 21st March 2019, 5:55 PM   #15
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Yes it would bother me. Too much personal information being exchanged in a work environment and now selfies? Not to mention his reaction towards your concerns? You have a right to feel this way, dump his ass.
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