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Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage


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Old 11th March 2019, 9:16 AM   #61
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My thoughts on this are that, after 20 or 30 years of marriage, maybe you do need a temporary break from one another so that you can come back refreshed. Why not pretend you’re a single guy who can’t get dates and deal with it for awhile? Maybe your wife will start to miss you.

My other thought is that, yes, there likely is resentment or disrespect toward you regarding your job. It’s very difficult for women to feel they’re carrying the weight year after year. Most of us aren’t designed for that.
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Old 11th March 2019, 9:18 AM   #62
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So even though I'm technically not a Betrayed Spouse (BS), it may be that it's time to adopt the 180s.

But how do I stop saying "I love you," especially when she says it first? That seems impossibly cold. After all, I do love her. I'm upset and disappointed, to put it mildly, but I do love her. Since neither of us has acknowledged an affair she deserves the benefit of the doubt that is not, in fact, having one, right? Why go there if we aren't there?

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Old 11th March 2019, 9:24 AM   #63
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My thoughts on this are that, after 20 or 30 years of marriage, maybe you do need a temporary break from one another so that you can come back refreshed. Why not pretend youíre a single guy who canít get dates and deal with it for awhile? Maybe your wife will start to miss you.
Perhaps but we have a 12-year-old transgender daughter-becoming-a-son at home who really needs my presence. There is no physical abuse whatsoever. I enjoy living in our home and renting an apartment would be really expensive. Plus I have heard that moving out before it is legally necessary could jeopardize custody because my leaving could be construed as abandonment. Plus I really don't want to separate unless there is no other option.

I think the best scenario is to undertake some variation on the 180s.
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Old 11th March 2019, 9:31 AM   #64
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Do I have to drop my pet names for her:
  1. Sweetheart?
  2. Darling?
  3. Honey?
It would be needlessly passive-aggressive to drop the endearments, wouldn't it?
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Old 11th March 2019, 9:39 AM   #65
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I don't need to take a break; I need her to give me a break!

All I really need at this point is a common goal revitalizing our marriage as a fully intimate romantic partnership. I'm happy to give it time and effort. I know it will not be easy but I do think it will be worthwhile.

I survived a year and a half with no sex whatsoever. It almost killed me, but it didn't. What's another year and a half it means we have a stronger marriage going forward:
  1. Mutual vulnerability
  2. Emotional sharing
  3. Mutual accountability
  4. Shared goals
We already have so many worthy things in common. Our values align nicely. We enjoy many of the same things. I'm intensely fond of my wife. She's brilliant, funny, and knock-dead gorgeous. There's gotta be a way to make this work!

I can accept that she checked out. It happens. I'm not pleased that it happened but over the course of 23 years it's not the worst thing in the world. I'd just like her to check back in. Forgiveness is not required.
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Old 11th March 2019, 9:40 AM   #66
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Do I have to drop my pet names for her:
  1. Sweetheart?
  2. Darling?
  3. Honey?
It would be needlessly passive-aggressive to drop the endearments, wouldn't it?
Oh dear... you have a long way to go, don't you?
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Old 11th March 2019, 9:59 AM   #67
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Perhaps but we have a 12-year-old transgender daughter-becoming-a-son at home who really needs my presence. There is no physical abuse whatsoever. I enjoy living in our home and renting an apartment would be really expensive. Plus I have heard that moving out before it is legally necessary could jeopardize custody because my leaving could be construed as abandonment. Plus I really don't want to separate unless there is no other option.

I think the best scenario is to undertake some variation on the 180s.
No. I wasnít implying at all that the two of you separate. I merely meant that you cool it with sex for now. Not that you have much choice in the matter but just leave the whole thing alone for now. Thatís all I was saying. Continue as usual, just take s break from that particular thing that has probably become routine. Youíve been together a long time. Itís to be expected that things may go flat for awhile.

And, please, donít be silly. If she says she loves you and you feel inclined to say it back, then do so. Also, I think itís ridiculous to immediately conclude that sheís having an affair. I know you didnít draw that conclusion but I hope you donít let that idea deep into your marriage this point.
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Old 11th March 2019, 10:04 AM   #68
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Do I have to drop my pet names for her:
  1. Sweetheart?
  2. Darling?
  3. Honey?
It would be needlessly passive-aggressive to drop the endearments, wouldn't it?
No, I wouldnít drop that if I were you. But donít gush over her, either. Show her the great man that you are, the stable one that she can lean on. You seem awesome and she needs to be reminded of that. The two of you seem very different - sheís business-minded and youíre the artsy type. You probably balance one another out in many ways but those differences can also create tension. Overall, I think you guys have a good thing going. I say just chill for awhile. Do that 180 thing, whatever that is.
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Old 11th March 2019, 10:08 AM   #69
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No, I wouldnít drop that if I were you. But donít gush over her, either. Show her the great man that you are, the stable one that she can lean on.
Okay.
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You seem awesome and she needs to be reminded of that.
In Yiddish, we call that being a mensch, a good human being.
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The two of you seem very different - sheís business-minded and youíre the artsy type. You probably balance one another out in many ways but those differences can also create tension. Overall, I think you guys have a good thing going. I say just chill for awhile.
I like that she's different from me. That's what cool about her. I am not looking to change her essence. I would just like a few behavioral adjustments.
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Do that 180 thing, whatever that is.
The 180s are listed here.
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Old 11th March 2019, 10:10 AM   #70
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No. I wasnít implying at all that the two of you separate. I merely meant that you cool it with sex for now.
We haven't had sex in eighteen months, three weeks, four days, seven hours, forty-one minutes, and thirty-one seconds. But who's counting?
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Old 11th March 2019, 10:26 AM   #71
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You're not going to like my reply, but I'm going to be blunt - you sound desperate and it's highly unappealing.

Maybe you should consider getting a job and for once, being in a position of equality rather than continually begging for her love and needing her to support you. Just from what I'm reading, I would be so hugely turned off by the financial situation but then when you couple that with your extreme desperation and neediness, it would be impossible for me to stay in that situation and I think that's kind of how your wife might be feeling. But I think that's why your wife still shows you affection - because you're so horrifically needy and affection really isn't that hard to give.

It's not that much of a personal sacrifice for her to kiss you or hold your hand or go out to dinner with you, but more intimate things like sharing her body are simply off the table. It's so obvious that she's merely placating you with the affection because you crave it from her and for her, it makes things just much more peaceful and pleasant at home.
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Old 11th March 2019, 10:30 AM   #72
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We haven't had sex in eighteen months, three weeks, four days, seven hours, forty-one minutes, and thirty-one seconds. But who's counting?
Oh, wow. Thatís a long time. Hormones do have a huge effect on a personís libido but she may just be bored with being pressured for sex. Not meaning that you pressure her, per se, but that marriage in and of itself is a pressure for sex. She has apparently checked out of the whole thing. Not sure what to tell you. I suppose just acting disinterested in her in that regard might be the best move at this stage.
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Old 11th March 2019, 10:31 AM   #73
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You're not going to like my reply, but I'm going to be blunt - you sound desperate and it's highly unappealing.
Gee. Thanks. That's swell. For your information, I am moving away from desperation and toward resolve and dignity.

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Maybe you should consider getting a job and for once, being in a position of equality rather than continually begging for her love and needing her to support you. Just from what I'm reading, I would be so hugely turned off by the financial situation but then when you couple that with your extreme desperation and neediness, it would be impossible for me to stay in that situation and I think that's kind of how your wife might be feeling. But I think that's why your wife still shows you affection - because you're so horrifically needy and affection really isn't that hard to give.
I have tried to ask my wife is she objects to our shared choices concerning work and she won't open up about that topic.

Quote:
It's not that much of a personal sacrifice for her to kiss you or hold your hand or go out to dinner with you, but more intimate things like sharing her body are simply off the table. It's so obvious that she's merely placating you with the affection because you crave it from her and for her, it makes things just much more peaceful and pleasant at home.
She clearly enjoys the affection and I am not inclined to withhold it. It just feels a little weird under the circumstances. I can handle that.
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Old 11th March 2019, 10:32 AM   #74
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You're not going to like my reply, but I'm going to be blunt - you sound desperate and it's highly unappealing.

Maybe you should consider getting a job and for once, being in a position of equality rather than continually begging for her love and needing her to support you. Just from what I'm reading, I would be so hugely turned off by the financial situation but then when you couple that with your extreme desperation and neediness, it would be impossible for me to stay in that situation and I think that's kind of how your wife might be feeling. But I think that's why your wife still shows you affection - because you're so horrifically needy and affection really isn't that hard to give.

It's not that much of a personal sacrifice for her to kiss you or hold your hand or go out to dinner with you, but more intimate things like sharing her body are simply off the table. It's so obvious that she's merely placating you with the affection because you crave it from her and for her, it makes things just much more peaceful and pleasant at home.

I agree... but why is she still with him? Because he is needy? Really? I guess she doesn't want to compromise her lifestyle by having to sell their house, raising their kids on her own, basically destroying everything they have built together. This is selfish. No sex for 18 months? I am at month n. 14 and it's no fun. This is cruel. She should have the decency to let him go. Because this is heading in one direction only...
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Old 11th March 2019, 10:35 AM   #75
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I get the distinct impression that some people disapprove of stay-at-home-dads (SAHDs) but seldom question (SAHMs). You know what they call that? Sexism.

Our choices as a couple may be good or bad on the merits, but I refuse to be penalized merely for being male.
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