LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships

Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

Like Tree750Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10th March 2019, 6:49 PM   #46
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 9,762
Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Some woman poster, I forget who, a long time ago said something which seemed to ring true.
I paraphrase
Women don't tend to NEED sex like men do but if a woman is getting a lot of sex, (likely good sex), she tends to want more and more, but if sex is sparse (or bad) then it is a very small leap for her to dispense with sex all together.
I would most definitely agree with this.
__________________
If they love you, you will know. If they don't, you will wonder all the time if they do...
BaileyB is offline  
Old 10th March 2019, 6:50 PM   #47
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 9,762
Quote:
Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
You know how sex drive is driven by hormones? (why children don't want sex) Menopause happens when women's hormones stop being produced. No hormones = diminished sex drive. All those stopped hormones also lead to vaginal dryness, atrophy and other unpleasant side effects.

I can't speak for other women, so I will simply tell my story. First up, I've been needing HRT for 10 years. If I'd been 50 when I started, then at 56 I'd still be in the worst of it. Many moons ago when I lost my sex drive with my ex-h, I was still super horny for other men and could easily orgasm on my own. These days, my drive is so low that I'm unable to orgasm even with an awesome vibrator for assistance.

Yes, there are some women who continue with a good sex life after menopause. I would imagine those in a new relationship who's adrenaline has kicked in would still do really well. And good luck to them. But we're not all the same.

Last thing is that it makes no biological sense for a woman to retain her sex drive after menopause, as the purpose of a sex drive is to have children
Thanks basil. Good information.

My understanding is that many women enter perimenopause in their early to mid-40’s. Depending on when this woman started, she may be in the worst of it or actually done with it. While I don’t discount the effects of menopause on the body, sex drive, etc... I have to wonder if there is more happening here. But of course, we can wonder but we will never be able to say for sure...

Last edited by BaileyB; 10th March 2019 at 6:54 PM..
BaileyB is offline  
Old 10th March 2019, 8:36 PM   #48
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 621
Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah.


Bull.


She's getting it somewhere else.
doyathinkso is offline  
Old 11th March 2019, 12:17 AM   #49
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 818
Quote:
Originally Posted by doyathinkso View Post
Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah.


Bull.


She's getting it somewhere else.
Suppose you're right. Let's say my wife has indeed been cheating on me. I'd like to know so I can decide how to respond. I could choose to file for divorce or I could decide to work on repairing the marriage.

However, if she doesn't tell me there is not much I can do to address the cheating issue unless I were to stumble upon some incriminating information ... which is not likely because I don't snoop on my wife's e-mail or phone.

Honestly, I seriously doubt she's having an affair. I mean, anything is possible I suppose ... but it just doesn't seem like something she would do. Now, if she turned out to be bisexual and a lesbian, that would also be upsetting but easier to accept because that's something nobody can do much about.

I would just like to know what I'm dealing with so I can address it but she really isn't giving me that opportunity. It's frustrating. I tried getting her to talk to me about why she might be unhappy in the relationship and (as usual) she said she didn't have the bandwidth to deal with that.
Rotaglia is offline  
Old 11th March 2019, 1:37 AM   #50
S2B
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 5,365
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rotaglia View Post
Suppose you're right. Let's say my wife has indeed been cheating on me. I'd like to know so I can decide how to respond. I could choose to file for divorce or I could decide to work on repairing the marriage.

However, if she doesn't tell me there is not much I can do to address the cheating issue unless I were to stumble upon some incriminating information ... which is not likely because I don't snoop on my wife's e-mail or phone.

Honestly, I seriously doubt she's having an affair. I mean, anything is possible I suppose ... but it just doesn't seem like something she would do. Now, if she turned out to be bisexual and a lesbian, that would also be upsetting but easier to accept because that's something nobody can do much about.

I would just like to know what I'm dealing with so I can address it but she really isn't giving me that opportunity. It's frustrating. I tried getting her to talk to me about why she might be unhappy in the relationship and (as usual) she said she didn't have the bandwidth to deal with that.
I donít think you want to know what sheís really got going on... if you did youíd start looking for info/evidence.

It is like youíve put your head in the sand.

When she says she doesnít have the bandwidth to deal with it - thatís disrespectful of you and the marriage.

Do you feel your lesser earning of income puts you in a position of not having the ability to lead within the marriage?

Why not make an appointment with a counselor and tell her when the time/day is?

Do you feel there is an inbalance of power in the marriage?
S2B is offline  
Old 11th March 2019, 1:42 AM   #51
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 818
Quote:
Originally Posted by S2B View Post
I donít think you want to know what sheís really got going on... if you did youíd start looking for info/evidence.
I want to know. I just don't think launching an investigation makes sense right now.

Quote:
When she says she doesnít have the bandwidth to deal with it - thatís disrespectful of you and the marriage.
I feel that way, too.

Quote:
Do you feel your lesser earning of income puts you in a position of not having the ability to lead within the marriage?
Perhaps but I think it has more to do with our personalities and the relationship dynamics.

Quote:
Why not make an appointment with a counselor and tell her when the time/day is?
Not a bad idea.

Quote:
Do you feel there is an inbalance of power in the marriage?
Everyone's marriage has an imbalance of power. It's never exactly 50/50.
Rotaglia is offline  
Old 11th March 2019, 1:48 AM   #52
S2B
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 5,365
So when is a good time to start looking into it?

If youíre waiting for evidence to drop into your lap - you could be waiting forever.

When things seem off - thatís a perfect reason to find out why things have changed!

Especially since she wonít discuss it! Thatís not nice that she brushes it off - when she knows itís important to you!

When two people marry - they make an agreement to consider someone elseís feelings, wants and desires.

She changed the commitment without asking you!

Iíd sit her down and tell her you are not ok with her changing the marriage without considering your feelings!
S2B is offline  
Old 11th March 2019, 5:20 AM   #53
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 608
Alright, I don't think any of the feedback here is about the real issue. I'm just going to be super blunt with you. This will sound mean but I'm not trying to be mean, I'm giving you my point of view straight up.

It's not menopause, it's not that she's bisexual, it's not that she's autistic.

She's checked out, she's done. She's lost attraction to you somewhere along the way. Now she just feels guilty because of your history together, but she doesn't sound like she wants this marriage. She might love you but she doesn't sound IN love with you. She may not want to divide her assets up (the way many breadwinning men don't want to) nor throw out a man she views as being incapable of supporting himself sufficiently onto the streets.

You think that going from t-shirt and undies to a pair of pajamas and a robe is more dignified to a CEO who likely overworks herself? No. It's not enough. And depending on her industry, she might be surrounded with lots of men during the day who exude masculine energy, only to come home to a husband who needed a big wake up call to get fully dressed.

She gets angry at your wooing attempts because it comes across as a thinly veiled ask for sex, after months of "browbeating." And she doesn't want to give it. The spark is gone for her and it looks like she doesn't want to be the bad guy who pulls the plug, which is why she has no problem telling you that she understands if you want to leave her and pursue a woman who will have sex with you. I have a hard time believing a physically healthy woman who was actively in love with you and a monogamous type would ever say that.

Frankly, I would be pissed if a guy was blaming marital issues that caused me to lose attraction to him on my hormones. She may not be vocal about what those issues are but I'm sure they are there. She may find them too hurtful to verbalize. From what you stated, you have had long stretches of depression requiring hospitalization, you've gained weight, you're financially dependent on her, she's overworked herself, etc. -- all these things may have built up over years to where she is resentful or doesn't feel the passion anymore. She may no longer perceive you as the partner that she wants. She sounds totally checked out to me on an emotional level and it's gotten to the point where she doesn't want to be physical anymore.

That may be why she's resistant to marital therapy, too, because she doesn't want to say what the true issue is or she has no actual interest in rebuilding the relationship.


These are the real issues in my mind--not her being menopausal, bisexual, lesbian, autistic, an alien, whatever. Come on, man. If you have any shot in hell at repairing this relationship, you've got to stop focusing on the sex and her body chemistry and start looking at the ways the dynamic has changed between the two of you and what she might need from you as a more fully engaged partner.

But I think it may be too late, tbh.
healing light is offline  
Old 11th March 2019, 5:28 AM   #54
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 818
Quote:
Originally Posted by healing light View Post
She's checked out, she's done. She's lost attraction to you somewhere along the way. Now she just feels guilty because of your history together, but she doesn't sound like she wants this marriage. She might love you but she doesn't sound IN love with you.
Right, that's pretty much exactly the thing of which I am afraid.

Quote:
She may no longer perceive you as the partner that she wants. She sounds totally checked out to me on an emotional level and it's gotten to the point where she doesn't want to be physical anymore.
Yes, I agree that's very possible. But if that's the case, why won't she name the problem so it can be addressed? I am willing to do the hard work necessary. Why isn't she also willing?

Quote:
That may be why she's resistant to marital therapy, too, because she doesn't want to say what the true issue is or she has no actual interest in rebuilding the relationship.
Well, that puts us both in a pretty difficult spot, I would say.

Quote:
you've got to stop focusing on the sex
The sex is not the central issue but rather a manifestation of that central issue. BTW, a sexual freezeout by either partner for a year and a half is far from a trivial issue.

Quote:
what she might need from you as a more fully engaged partner.
What about the "fully engaged partner" that I deserve? Where did she go? And I have not been disengaged for a single minute of this relationship (except for when I was involuntarily in the throes of a major depression over which I had no control).

Last edited by Rotaglia; 11th March 2019 at 5:36 AM..
Rotaglia is offline  
Old 11th March 2019, 5:38 AM   #55
Established Member
 
giotto's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 2,680
Quote:
Originally Posted by healing light View Post
Alright, I don't think any of the feedback here is about the real issue. I'm just going to be super blunt with you. This will sound mean but I'm not trying to be mean, I'm giving you my point of view straight up.

It's not menopause, it's not that she's bisexual, it's not that she's autistic.

She's checked out, she's done. She's lost attraction to you somewhere along the way. Now she just feels guilty because of your history together, but she doesn't sound like she wants this marriage. She might love you but she doesn't sound IN love with you. She may not want to divide her assets up (the way many breadwinning men don't want to) nor throw out a man she views as being incapable of supporting himself sufficiently onto the streets.

You think that going from t-shirt and undies to a pair of pajamas and a robe is more dignified to a CEO who likely overworks herself? No. It's not enough. And depending on her industry, she might be surrounded with lots of men during the day who exude masculine energy, only to come home to a husband who needed a big wake up call to get fully dressed.

She gets angry at your wooing attempts because it comes across as a thinly veiled ask for sex, after months of "browbeating." And she doesn't want to give it. The spark is gone for her and it looks like she doesn't want to be the bad guy who pulls the plug, which is why she has no problem telling you that she understands if you want to leave her and pursue a woman who will have sex with you. I have a hard time believing a physically healthy woman who was actively in love with you and a monogamous type would ever say that.

Frankly, I would be pissed if a guy was blaming marital issues that caused me to lose attraction to him on my hormones. She may not be vocal about what those issues are but I'm sure they are there. She may find them too hurtful to verbalize. From what you stated, you have had long stretches of depression requiring hospitalization, you've gained weight, you're financially dependent on her, she's overworked herself, etc. -- all these things may have built up over years to where she is resentful or doesn't feel the passion anymore. She may no longer perceive you as the partner that she wants. She sounds totally checked out to me on an emotional level and it's gotten to the point where she doesn't want to be physical anymore.

That may be why she's resistant to marital therapy, too, because she doesn't want to say what the true issue is or she has no actual interest in rebuilding the relationship.


These are the real issues in my mind--not her being menopausal, bisexual, lesbian, autistic, an alien, whatever. Come on, man. If you have any shot in hell at repairing this relationship, you've got to stop focusing on the sex and her body chemistry and start looking at the ways the dynamic has changed between the two of you and what she might need from you as a more fully engaged partner.

But I think it may be too late, tbh.

I have to agree with this... ^^^ I'm in the same situation. Your wife has lost attraction to you. She's checked out. She likes you and she cares about you, but you are not sexually attractive to her as a man anymore. She wants to be on her own. You haven't had sex for ages. Now, you can try and woo her back, but it won't work. Like me, unless you want a life of celibacy, you have one only option: divorce. Or you could just separate. You will come to terms with this. Yes, it's difficult, but it's the reality. Personally, I'm still angry and I haven't recovered yet. I'm still thinking: how could you that to me after all these years. But the reality is that these things happen. My wife couldn't care less now. She's checked out. And she is having a nice time not having to put up with me... And I have given up trying. It's over.

Last edited by giotto; 11th March 2019 at 5:41 AM..
giotto is offline  
Old 11th March 2019, 6:43 AM   #56
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 18,497
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rotaglia View Post
But if that's the case, why won't she name the problem so it can be addressed? I am willing to do the hard work necessary. Why isn't she also willing?
Because if healing light is right in her well thought out assessment and she probably is, then it is because your wife is DONE.
Have you never been in a relationship where you didn't hate the other person, but you saw no future, where you were no longer interested in fixing anything, where you really wanted out but were staying through force of habit, or you didn't want to hurt the other person, or you were unsure where your bread was best buttered?

Marriage has made this a bit more complicated than a bf/gf arrangement and she sticks around, but the feelings regarding the futility of the situation are no doubt the same.

Sex went out the window as a "roommate relationship" is more applicable to the situation you find yourselves in.

(btw - forget the pyjamas and robe. Not sexy, few guys can rock that look.
A bit child like too, to be wearing them around the house. You are not a sick kid. They are bedroom attire, keep them in there.)
elaine567 is offline  
Old 11th March 2019, 7:40 AM   #57
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 9,762
I would bet money on the suggestion from healing light. It seems much more plausible that this is the case than she is cheating. It’s not menopause, she is not cheating, she is not bisexual...

She is comfortable in her marriage, she may “love” you but she is not “in love” anymore... And as such, she doesn’t feel the need to have sex and resents your constant attempts to impose on her.

I’m sorry. It’s a pretty typical story on this board...
BaileyB is offline  
Old 11th March 2019, 8:58 AM   #58
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 818
Adultery
Until she either confesses to adultery or I find out about it, there is no sense in making that an issue.

Checked Out
I agree that my wife has checked out of the marriage and refuses to check back in. That puts me in a difficult position.

Strategy
I could stop pursuing her and work on myself exclusively. I could embrace the 180s strategy. The only trouble is she still wants to hug, kiss, say "I love you," cuddle while in bed, and go on dates. I don't want to fail to reciprocate those things but I'm not particularly enthusiastic about them under the circumstances. I hate making small talk when I feel like we are much closer to divorce than we are to restoration.

Sex
If by some miracle my wife were to offer to have sex tonight, the wiser course for me would be to politely decline. It would kill me, but that's the smarter thing to do. I don't trust her with my heart as this moment.

Goal
My goal is not to save our friendship. I don't want to be best buds. I don't care to be the world's most helpful co-parent or roommate. I want to restore romantic and emotional intimacy in the relationship first and foremost and worry about the sex piece later.

A Sign
It would just be nice if I could get a sign from the woman in my life that such a scenario has a reasonable probability of success. Otherwise it's just a waiting game until one of us files for divorce.
Rotaglia is offline  
Old 11th March 2019, 9:00 AM   #59
Established Member
 
Mrs._December's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 566
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rotaglia View Post
Currently I have a career as a musician that I enjoy but I do not make nearly as much money as my wife does so yes, I'm financially dependent on her HOWEVER I have always believed this was a conscious choice we had made together (because it is). The lack of a "regular" job meant I could spend time with our kids, take them to appointments and social events, activities, etc. and also, quite crucially, spending the hundreds of hours I invested in making sure my beloved mother-in-law (yes, I really do adore her) stopped driving due to dementia and moved to assisted living. I always deflected the thanks I would receive for this because, as I would say, "it's just my job"—we designed our life this way.
Regardless of all the justifications you make for why your wife has to support the family instead of you, it better explains your sheer desperation to insure that you stay together no matter what. Whether you made the choice 'together' for her to support the family or not, the fact remains that you depend on her financially so you need this marriage to stay intact.



I'm sorry, but I agree with Healing Light 1000%:

Quote:
She's checked out, she's done. She's lost attraction to you somewhere along the way. Now she just feels guilty because of your history together, but she doesn't sound like she wants this marriage. She might love you but she doesn't sound IN love with you. She may not want to divide her assets up (the way many breadwinning men don't want to) nor throw out a man she views as being incapable of supporting himself sufficiently onto the streets.

Sadly OP, you're simply not in a position of power. Like Healing Light said, I agree that your wife sees you as some kind of a dependent she's responsible for and that's why you're still together, even though she's emotionally and physically disengaged.

Last edited by Mrs._December; 11th March 2019 at 9:10 AM..
Mrs._December is offline  
Old 11th March 2019, 9:14 AM   #60
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 818
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs._December View Post
Sadly OP, you're simply not in a position of power. Like Healing Light said, I agree that your wife sees you as some kind of a dependent she's responsible for and that's why you're still together, even though she's emotionally and physically disengaged.
Sure looks that way.
Damn it. :-(
Rotaglia is offline  
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Doesn't want sex... Doesn't know why. Bigmess2 Dating 13 13th July 2014 2:58 AM
Wife is having doubts about our marriage.... exasperated Separation and Divorce 69 3rd June 2009 4:07 PM
doesn't want boyfriend now or doesn't want me? golfer99 Dating 5 20th November 2007 11:21 AM
he doesn't want to stay, doesn't want to go mattea Dating 7 21st May 2007 11:35 PM
Husband doesn't want a divorce...but doesn't want to be together ready2moveon26 Separation and Divorce 9 7th September 2004 9:06 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 5:53 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.