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Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage


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Old 9th March 2019, 12:09 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by giotto View Post
My wife says she enjoys being with me, but she doesn't want the sexual part. She would understand if I left. We'll see what happens, but I don't have any hope, really. She shifted the blame on me, obviously, saying I used to get angry, I complained all the time. It's been fine for the last 10 years, so it's been a bit of a bombshell... I thought we had managed to resolve the differences.
I'm sorry you are confronting that situation. The feeling of rejection is hard to take, I'm sure.

For my part, I just don't see options for sex with someone other my wife as ones that are emotionally and morally suitable for me.
  • Open marriage? No thanks.
  • Cheating? Heck no.
  • Going to a pro? Definitely not.
  • Get a divorce and then date again? Perhaps but far from my preferred option.
  • Reboot my marriage? Yes, please. I'm willing to put in some difficult work if that is what it takes. Sacrifices may have to be made, but yes, yes, yes. 100%.
By the way, is there a chance my wife could be a lesbian or bisexual? I am not saying that to be flippant. I would find that news much easier to take than the current narrative. It might even be easier to stay married under that scenario.

Last edited by Rotaglia; 9th March 2019 at 12:11 PM..
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Old 9th March 2019, 4:11 PM   #17
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Another possibility is that my wife could be autistic (like our son); she is very, very intelligent but has difficulty with empathy and has some social anxiety. That could explain her intimacy issues and why being alone instead of married might appeal to her.

I am not judging her here; I am merely attempting to identify what might be contributing to her struggle.

Not for nothing but she is also a ravishing blonde with the dreamiest blue eyes I ever saw. I find her utterly beautiful. Not sure what prompted me to say that.

Last edited by Rotaglia; 9th March 2019 at 4:37 PM..
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Old 9th March 2019, 5:02 PM   #18
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Damn it, I think I have a crush on my wife.
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Old 9th March 2019, 8:28 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by Rotaglia View Post
Damn it, I think I have a crush on my wife.
Is it possible you may have difficulty relating to your wife in ways that don't leave her feeling sexually objectified?


Not to be flippant, but there are a whole host of ways in which our communication style and behavioral tendencies can be reminiscent of the oldest, and most peculiar male habit of handing a woman flowers and then asking: "can we have sex now?"
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Old 9th March 2019, 9:30 PM   #20
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Is it possible you may have difficulty relating to your wife in ways that don't leave her feeling sexually objectified?
Anything is possible. What in my postings makes you think that is what's going on? As to whether my wife “feels sexually objectified,” you would have to ask her. I could ask her myself, but why would that be necessary?
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Not to be flippant, but there are a whole host of ways in which our communication style and behavioral tendencies can be reminiscent of the oldest, and most peculiar male habit of handing a woman flowers and then asking: "can we have sex now?"
I am not sure where you get that from. I'm not saying this couldn't be the case but I wonder what prompts that line of thinking.

BTW, what I might say in a post to LoveShack can be entirely different from what I might say aloud to my spouse. Isn't that kind of the point of this kind of forum?

Last edited by Rotaglia; 9th March 2019 at 9:34 PM..
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Old 10th March 2019, 1:23 AM   #21
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Time to 'date' your wife and woo her again. Make her feel loved and special without the pressure of sex. Do massages, cuddle and be silly. Remember why you two got married years ago.

She needs to have a full physical to make sure all is okay down there too.

Talk and listen to one another, be honest but kind about how to go about reconnecting and making your marriage great again.
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Old 10th March 2019, 1:39 AM   #22
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Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

My wife (56) and I (49) have been married 22 years and have two wonderful kids. About a year and a half ago my wife abruptly stopped having sex with me and offered no explanation whatsoever (I later figured out that menopause could be a factor) and resisted my attempts to talk about it with her and to seek solutions. I suggested very low-level sexual activity as a scaffold for rebuilding our sex life and she was pretty much non-committal and did not follow up.

Finally, after I probed and pressed her for a while (what she called "browbeating" but I saw as simply wanting to know what the heck was going on), she confessed that she was harboring doubts about our relationship. I was horrified. Although I suspected that she might unhappy, I never imagined it would be that acute. So I began trying to talk to her about why she might be unhappy and what might be done to address that unhappiness but the discussion pretty much broke down at that point.

I realize that menopause and a midlife identity crisis can be factors in this kind of thinking and she also has a stressful, all-consuming job. I simply would like the opportunity to show compassion for a woman I love dearly and care for deeply. I find it frustrating that there appears to be little I can do.

I briefly did the unwise but understandable thing of trying to win her over with romantic gestures. When that didn't work, I tried pleading and begging (I know, not a great plan but I was running out of ideas).

I also stressed to her that while sex is very important to me and to our relationship, that ultimately she is more important to me than sex. She responded by saying that I deserved to be with someone more loving than she and to have a sex life. I was flabbergasted. I explained that I wasn't interested in being with some other woman, that all I wanted was to be with her, to reconnect emotionally and rebuild our sex life, however much time and effort would be required to achieve that goal.

The good news is we still talk a lot about non-relationship stuff. We are on the same page about parenting, money, politics, family. I'm still deeply in love with her. She's beautiful, smart, intensely likable, fun, a superb mother, etc. I just wish we could have sex every now and then for G-d's sake. I customarily tell her all the time how pretty/hot/sexy/beautiful she is. Now I'm wondering if that is, oddly, not helpful to the marriage in its current state.

I have tried to be sensitive to her needs and to be ready to listen. I know she feels guilty about considering divorce but honestly I am not interested in stoking that guilt. She says I'm a "wonderful husband" but I find that pretty baffling since she apparently isn't sure she wants to be married to me (or maybe not to anybody). So what is the deal here?

Now that the anguish has subsided somewhat for me I'd love to know what's at issue so that solutions can be explored. Is she bored? Stressed out? Does she need more "me time" (answer most likely yes)? More time with her friends? Could there be unexplored factors, like she is autistic (which would make empathy and togetherness more challenging) or maybe even a lesbian or bisexual (I think I could deal with those things, or at least they would be easier to accept).

So my current posture is to stop pressing her for answers, work on myself (play guitar, exercise, focus on the kids, enjoy friends), and be my wife's best ally and a good listener and wait for her to bring up the relationship. Perhaps that's the best strategy.

I really miss sex, but I miss the emotional closeness that comes with it even more. That and I'm just really, really horny and quite frustrated.
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Old 10th March 2019, 1:43 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
Time to 'date' your wife and woo her again. Make her feel loved and special without the pressure of sex. Do massages, cuddle and be silly. Remember why you two got married years ago.

She needs to have a full physical to make sure all is okay down there too.

Talk and listen to one another, be honest but kind about how to go about reconnecting and making your marriage great again.
Yeah, I that sounds like a decent plan. I'm a little wary of her since she apparently was recently pondering divorce and she abruptly stopped having sex with me eighteen months ago without explanation. But sure, I can do all of things you suggest. The massages will no doubt make me horny, though. *sigh*

Wanting to have sex with my wife is not "pressure." I have always made it very clear that sex is 100% optional. She does not "owe" me sex. On the other hand, I would really appreciate a sensible plan to rebuild our sex life brick-by-brick, gradually and at a pace with which she is comfortable. She makes vague promises but does not really follow up.

But before we get down to having sex again, I could really go for a good make-out session right about now with my wife! Y'know, rolling around on the floor or on the bed just snogging and cuddling and chatting. That sounds ... divine to me.

Last edited by Rotaglia; 10th March 2019 at 2:00 AM..
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Old 10th March 2019, 1:45 AM   #24
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My suggestion would be marriage counseling. Insist on it if necessary. Think you need someone to work with the two of you in depth.
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Old 10th March 2019, 1:52 AM   #25
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My suggestion would be marriage counseling. Insist on it if necessary. Think you need someone to work with the two of you in depth.
I suggested that. She said that marriage counseling is bad because it facilitates an easier divorce. "Oh," I said. "So you don't want a divorce?"

"I don't know. And if you can't handle that 'I don't know,' we can pursue separation."

I was gobsmacked. "Honey, that's kind of nuts." I replied. "Everyone has doubts from time to time but why let it affect our relationship negatively?"
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Old 10th March 2019, 2:22 AM   #26
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I would suggest you figure out a way to get her into MC.

I'm male. There's a very good chance one or more of the excellent women posting on this forum will give you a response that gives you more insight into where your wife may be coming from.

I also think that for many men sex is a need. I think it's not fair to you to remain in a marriage where your needs aren't being met. However, that's a male perspective on the sex aspect. I think some female views are needed to balance that out.

I'd reiterate that MC will still be helpful IMO as I think a trained person working closely with the two of you has the best chance of bringing this to a resolution that's satisfying to both of you. I don't see the logic of MC "facilitating divorce"; to me that sounds nonsensical. I hope your wife can accept MC as an alternative to separation or at least to try it before separating. If she really won't do that there may not be much hope.

Some posters may mention that your wife may be in an affair. I don't get that impression, but it's certainly not outside the realm of possibility.

Last edited by mark clemson; 10th March 2019 at 2:26 AM.. Reason: grammar :-)
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Old 10th March 2019, 2:30 AM   #27
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If your wife doesn't want to have sex with you, I think you ought to respect her wishes and let her be.

Likewise if you still want to enjoy sex at all. Given that your wife has unilaterally decided to stop having sex with you for a long time. You should feel free, to have sex with whoever wants to have sex with you.

That said if you're okay with not having sex, for more than a year and evermore interminably. I encourage you to press on with your wife, and learn to embrace the celibacy which you have chosen.

Good luck.
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Old 10th March 2019, 2:52 AM   #28
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Thatís really mean and cruel of her. Seems like she isnít considering your feelings at all. Thatís not what marriage is about!

Is she in love with you? Iíd ask her! Wait for a one word answer... yes or no.

Is she having an affair? It looks like she is. Start checking.


Does she work? Could she support herself?
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Old 10th March 2019, 3:24 AM   #29
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But before we get down to having sex again, I could really go for a good make-out session right about now with my wife! Y'know, rolling around on the floor or on the bed just snogging and cuddling and chatting. That sounds ... divine to me.
That sounds like something she might enjoy, as well. You can talk about current events - anything that doesn't involve your marriage or the kids, etc. You are bringing up memories for me. Some of my best were sitting in bed at night with my husband and playing cards, talking about history or current events, etc. (If only he hadn't threatened to buy a gun and shoot me. *Sigh*)

Hang in there.
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Old 10th March 2019, 5:40 AM   #30
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Sex is an important part of any marriage.

What she's telling you is you don't matter all that much.

In return you are telling her you'll take whatever she dishes out.

Why?

If you don't value yourself I doubt she will.
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