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Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage


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Old 14th March 2019, 11:15 PM   #241
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Well that’s for sure = even if the lady gardens dry up she could be OFFERING other options for you - such as bj’s and hand jobs.
I have suggested all kinds of things short of intercourse to keep the sexual bond alive between us: me going down on her (an activity I rather enjoy and she used to also), her going down on me (she gave that up about five years ago—such a bummer, I really miss that), handjobs, etc., etc., etc. When that didn't work I asked her if there was anything at all we could share sexually and she got angry and left the bedroom to sleep downstairs. I was so upset by her response that I could barely sleep and I eventually asked her to come back to bed because I was lonely. Not a great move on my part tactically but I was emotional in the moment and I hated feeling so utterly rejected.
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Menopause doesn’t make her lips and hands stop working.
Tell her that.
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But she doesn’t even want to consider how you must feel and that’s what is odd.
It's irregular and infuriating. She's never been as comfortable talking explicitly about sex but she has an obligation to her husband to talk this issue out and she is still stonewalling, crying, or getting so triggered that she storms out.

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She checked out from being attracted to you.
After 22 years of marriage, to some degree attraction is a choice, not some magic force that overtakes you.

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Have you looked for affair evidence yet?
I'm away from home right now.
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Old 14th March 2019, 11:18 PM   #242
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At one point I had to ask her (as sensitively and kindly as possible) if there could have been some sort of sexual abuse or rape in her past that would explain her antipathy toward sex in the present. She said she didn't think so. If this were the reason and I knew about it, that would radically change the whole picture. I would *completely* understand a victim of sexual abuse to be reluctant to have sex; however, that didn't stop her for 20 years with me, so why sudden halt?
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Old 14th March 2019, 11:22 PM   #243
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Just finished reading this thread. Whew, that took a while. Anyway, OP, seems like you've come here for support as well as advice, so let me offer you the former. Personally, I don't think you're weak, and if people look down on you for being a SAHD, then, yeah, they're sexisttheir problem, not yours. You seem like a good guy who's been dealing with his troubled marriage through kindness, sensitivity, and humor (and excellent grammar ). That's strength, not weakness, IMHO. Good luck to you.
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Old 14th March 2019, 11:29 PM   #244
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I finally confronted her (as gently and as kindly as I could) and she tearfully stated that I should go and find another woman who could give me the love and sex I deserve.

Let's cut each other a bit of slack, shall we?

Slack agreed, yes. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
She has told you what she wants Rotaglia. It's time to let her go.
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Old 14th March 2019, 11:36 PM   #245
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Just finished reading this thread. Whew, that took a while. Anyway, OP, seems like you've come here for support as well as advice, so let me offer you the former. Personally, I don't think you're weak, and if people look down on you for being a SAHD, then, yeah, they're sexisttheir problem, not yours. You seem like a good guy who's been dealing with his troubled marriage through kindness, sensitivity, and humor (and excellent grammar ). That's strength, not weakness, IMHO. Good luck to you.
I really appreciate that. Thank you so much! Our language is under assault and attention to grammar and usage is its best defense.

It's been a really strange experience.
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Old 15th March 2019, 12:54 AM   #246
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Dang, when you’re out of town - that should be an ideal time for a PI to check on what she’s doing while you’re away.

When will you be home? Do you have any friends who could tail her actions?
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Old 15th March 2019, 4:33 AM   #247
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I get it, I have not spent years on this forum being told that almost daily for nothing, but many other women do not "get it".

I guess, to his wife, the OP is being stupid and childish, and he needs to let it go. It is hardly worth discussing in her mind, as she is not going to be persuaded to restart the sex, whatever he does.
She doesn't want to do it, full stop, it is not open for discussion. She may have been providing "duty sex" for years... before she came to her final decision.
To some women sex is for young people, not grandparents... she is probably relieved she is old enough to not have to do it any more. The pressure is off... Menopause for some women can be a joy as far as sex is concerned, as they are justified in turning it off; it may not be seen as a curse.

To her the marriage and their kids and their love and life together is important, not sex.
"22 years! and a stupid thing like sex is seen by him as important enough to divorce over - you must be kidding..."

^^^ That is the attitude and many men will just accept it too...
I get it completely. The OP's wife has every right to withdraw sex from the marriage, but she should have the decency to discuss it in depth with her husband. Then she can give him choices. My wife did this and I appreciate it. I'm not happy because sex is a form of communication for me and without it there is no proper marriage, relationship, connection. But it is the way it is.

I get it that at 55 some women don't desire sex and they are done with it. But in a marriage there are two people, so some sort of agreement - or disagreement - should be reached. Personally, I felt incredibly rejected and it's taking me quite a long time to get over it, but I respect my wife's wishes. It will have consequences, though. The disintegration of our marriage. So be it!
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Old 15th March 2019, 8:23 AM   #248
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Dang, when you’re out of town - that should be an ideal time for a PI to check on what she’s doing while you’re away.

When will you be home? Do you have any friends who could tail her actions?
Although proving adultery and/or desertion will help me obtain a divorce in my state, it is unlikely to help me get a better alimony award, so spending money on a PI may not be worthwhile except inasmuch as it might prompt my wife to break off her affair (in the unlikely case that she is having ine) and try to mend fences with me.
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Old 15th March 2019, 8:29 AM   #249
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If marriage is a full bathtub of water, cancelling our sex life with no discussion and no search for compromise or solutions is akin to pulling out the plug.
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Old 15th March 2019, 8:52 AM   #250
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If marriage is a full bathtub of water, cancelling our sex life with no discussion and no search for compromise or solutions is akin to pulling out the plug.

From your POV, from her POV not so much... a ripple in the water.
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Old 15th March 2019, 9:17 AM   #251
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Think of it this way, Rotaglia. Up until now, you’ve viewed this as your wife removing all sexual contact without any input from you. From her perspective, perhaps she believes you are insisting on continuing sexual relations well past her prime without any input from her.

Men can continue having sex and spreading their seed well into their 90’s. Women’s reproductive systems have an expiration date and so does their overall desire for sexual contact (in many cases - I mean, this is an age old problem in many marriages.) If it is important for you to still have sex like a rabbit, you’re going to need to trade your wife in for a younger model. Point blank. Otherwise, you weigh the value of your 22 years together and decide if the companionship and (perhaps) occasional intimacy is enough to meet your insatiable needs.
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Old 15th March 2019, 10:25 AM   #252
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Although proving adultery and/or desertion will help me obtain a divorce in my state, it is unlikely to help me get a better alimony award, so spending money on a PI may not be worthwhile except inasmuch as it might prompt my wife to break off her affair (in the unlikely case that she is having ine) and try to mend fences with me.
Do you live in a fault state or no fault state?
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Old 15th March 2019, 10:40 AM   #253
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Do you live in a fault state or no fault state?
I thought all states are no fault now.

OP, I like the new model suggestion. Start looking....there are many available to choose from.
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Old 15th March 2019, 12:39 PM   #254
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Although proving adultery and/or desertion will help me obtain a divorce in my state, it is unlikely to help me get a better alimony award, so spending money on a PI may not be worthwhile except inasmuch as it might prompt my wife to break off her affair (in the unlikely case that she is having ine) and try to mend fences with me.
I would want to know just for my own knowledge. Nothing to do with legal stuff. Because her cutting you off without discussion is bad enough. But if she cut you off because she’s having an affair - that would be unforgivable. You need to know which one it is.
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Old 15th March 2019, 12:54 PM   #255
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I think it’s possible that if you don’t find out or rule out an affair you will be left wondering years from now.

Why are you waiting? You need to determine what’s real and not real.

Not all states are no fault. We don’t even know if he’s in the United States.

Last edited by S2B; 15th March 2019 at 12:56 PM..
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