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wife told me I could have some on the side


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 6th March 2019, 12:43 AM   #16
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Do not sleep with anyone on the side. If you do, your wife will get full custody of the kids when you get divorced. To me it seems like she is setting you up.

Honestly I would skip the counseling and go straight to the paperwork. However I'm also a piece of toast.
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Old 6th March 2019, 7:47 AM   #17
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No it's not what I want to be.

I thought about the same thing. I seriously 100% doubt she is in any type of relationship or has cheated on me in the past. However, that doesn't rule out her secretly wanting that. I don't know. Maybe she has a guy pursuing her and wants an open relationship so she can explore but not ruin her kids and marriage at the same time. It's a serious thing to think about because it was a serious proposition on her part.

Still, I think that it would be a far fetched possibility at this point not worth focusing on.
I have seen this so many times that it can be the case. You need to quietly go into detective mode. A woman can meet men very easily during the day. Someone that works at the school, another students dad, men that volunteer where she does.

She does not want sex. Many a WW cuts off the BH because they want to be loyal to their OM. Cheating WW suggests that the BH finds an OW, eases her guilt and then lets her openly date her OM. Hide a VAR in your WW car and another one in your house where your WW takes most of her phone calls.

Then check your phone bill to see if there is a number that she calls, texts, a lot and find out whose number that is. Last do not go off half cocked and confront your WW. Confronting must be done right and you must not reveal how you found out your info.

You are here because you feel something in your gut. The gut is never wrong.

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Old 6th March 2019, 7:58 AM   #18
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Hmmmm.....it sounds like your wife really needs some help with learning to stop and smell the roses. I'm not criticizing because she sounds exactly like me. So I get exactly how she feels. It can be very difficult to impossible to turn your brain "off" and just relax and enjoy the moment if you're the type of person who is always thinking about the next thing that has to "get done." It sounds like you're helpful and you recognize she needs less on her plate, but she won't relinquish control of that.

I don't think she's having an affair. I suggest couples counseling if she will make time to go.
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Old 6th March 2019, 10:56 AM   #19
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Hmmmm.....it sounds like your wife really needs some help with learning to stop and smell the roses.<snip>
You said it. That describes her. The problem I have now is how to convince her in a non threatening fashion to go to counseling. She already has made efforts on her part. Last night she wanted to be intimate and this morning she lay next to me and gave some 'us' time. Even if for a minute it make a big difference. But I'm afraid like many times in the past it will just go back to business as usual. I'm ready for a permanent fix to this. It's really easy just to make up temporarily and everything is fine but none of the underlying problems are solved.

As for intimacy, I'm really not ready for it again because of some of the things she said. There were other things that she said that were petty and not worth mentioning but still took the wind out of my sails. If I just let it go and pretend like it didn't happen then it will just happen again.

Anyway, as of now, she has warmed back up to me.

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Old 6th March 2019, 11:21 AM   #20
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nope

I was divorced within a year of my ex telling me I could 'go elsewhere'. I didnt' want that. She was cheating. Denied it of course, gaslighted me, etc. Women don't say that to people they love. She loves being a mom, not being your wife. Tell her you won't put up with a loveless marriage. While it seems to go against logic, she has to put you and your relationship first if she really wants to best benefit her children.

Her putting them first and you/your relationship last is going to ultimately be all of your downfall. Tell her that - in matter of fact type language. The current situation will result in so much resentment in you both as to guarantee your downfall - particularly after your kids are grown and gone.

Don't take this lying down. Act quickly.

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Old 6th March 2019, 12:13 PM   #21
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Sexy texts is what you're after? She's a busy mother, not an idle teenager online flirting. What made you think sexy text was what the woman you live with who is the mother of your children would like? You're right there in the house with her every day. Is this something you've been doing online with strangers, maybe?
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Old 6th March 2019, 12:52 PM   #22
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Last night she wanted to be intimate and this morning she lay next to me and gave some 'us' time.
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As for intimacy, I'm really not ready for it again because of some of the things she said. There were other things that she said that were petty and not worth mentioning but still took the wind out of my sails. If I just let it go and pretend like it didn't happen then it will just happen again.
wed4ever, considering a lack of sex was one of your main complaints, this approach seems passive/aggressive and counterproductive to me.

Would you be any less hurt if she didn't make the effort? As a long time elementary school teacher, my wife would tell you more progress is made rewarding positive behavior than by punishing the negative...

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Old 6th March 2019, 12:57 PM   #23
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Anyway, as of now, she has warmed back up to me.
I'm sorry but my husband would not be able to just "warm back up to me" after telling me I could have sex on the side with another man because he doesn't want to do it. I probably would never have sex with him again and do just as he suggested.
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Old 6th March 2019, 1:05 PM   #24
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Sexy texts is what you're after? She's a busy mother, not an idle teenager online flirting. What made you think sexy text was what the woman you live with who is the mother of your children would like? You're right there in the house with her every day. Is this something you've been doing online with strangers, maybe?
I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about this. Maybe like me, he's read here or elsewhere that sexting among even married couples is pretty common (maybe a slow day at work, I don't know) and thought to give it a try, only to find out that the spouse isn't into it at all. I wasn't all impacted by it or anything, just another thing that I tried and didn't work out. No big deal, but not brought on by me sexting others, either.
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Old 6th March 2019, 1:26 PM   #25
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There is a back story here as regards sexy pics.
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Old 6th March 2019, 2:09 PM   #26
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Sexy texts is what you're after? She's a busy mother, not an idle teenager online flirting. What made you think sexy text was what the woman you live with who is the mother of your children would like? Is this something you've been doing online with strangers, maybe?
No it's just something she did all the time when we were dating and engaged. I guess she forgot to tell me that has all changed now. Along with all the other promises of how sex was going to be all the time if I married her. Silly me. Looks like the jokes on me but I don't think it's funny...
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Old 6th March 2019, 2:21 PM   #27
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op,
I'm not saying this as an insult to you, but have you ever asked your wife why she isn't interested? Is it possible the root cause of all of this is that it's just not as good for her as it is for you?
I don't mean that as an insult to you or to imply you are selfish, don't care, etc., just that it can happen.

After all, if it "rocked her world" (so to speak) it would stand to reason she would want it more often.

Also, it does sound as if she isn't suited to being a SAHM. I was for many years, and it's not a good fit for everyone.
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Old 6th March 2019, 2:26 PM   #28
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Sorry...this doesn't mesh with your other thread, wife-made-me-mad where you say your marriage is nearly sexless, in another, you say you are into light BDSM and she just did a boudoir photo shoot for you.

Now I may be old, but that doesn't strike me as "sexless".

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Old 6th March 2019, 2:27 PM   #29
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No it's just something she did all the time when we were dating and engaged. I guess she forgot to tell me that has all changed now. Along with all the other promises of how sex was going to be all the time if I married her. Silly me. Looks like the jokes on me but I don't think it's funny...
She's a busy mother now. I think you should take the kids for a week and let her go on vacation and see if you still feel sexy . Seriously, not being mean. But men who haven't done it all on their own just can't realize how draining it is. We see this every day on here and it's common knowledge that women have to prioritize taking care of their kids and that their own needs don't even get met, and that husbands often are part and parcel of that. Women who are overwhelmed with childrearing and don't have enough hours in the day and are always exhausted don't even think it's funny when the only time their husband speaks up, it's about hinting for sex. If you want her to get sexy, do 50 percent of everything, the kids, the house, everything, and see if she starts feeling more leisurely and sexy.
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Old 6th March 2019, 3:06 PM   #30
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Sorry...this doesn't mesh with your other thread. In one, you say your marriage is nearly sexless, in another, you say you are into light BDSM and she just did a boudoir photo shoot for you.



Now I may be old, but that doesn't strike me as "sexless".
The light bdsm has all but stopped if you read the thread and what went on. And the photoshoot IMO had little to do with any intimacy between us. It was just something she did for herself... which I'm happy for her that she did. Not much of a connection to what I'm talking about now. Things can change fast.
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