LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships

wife told me I could have some on the side


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

Like Tree21Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 5th March 2019, 6:27 PM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 300
wife told me I could have some on the side

It all started when I said that I wasn't sure about how our marriage was going. I communicated to her about how I felt that I was always at the bottom of her list; that everything in her life is more important than me.

It's NOT that I don't think I'm important to her or that she is shutting me out. It's more like whenever we get a chance to have "us" time she's always busy with something else. I can't get her to see that she keeps adding stuff and things in her life that makes it more and more crazy.

To make it fair. She does take care of two kids and many of her activities are honorable and helpful to various causes.

So anyway, she spun the whole thing that I just wasn't happy with sex and when I mean 'time' I actually mean 'sex'. Maybe she's right... at least in part.

Yesterday I sent her some sexy texts. She mentioned that today in our argument and told me explicitly that she couldn't give 5 seconds of care to those kind of texts. Completely cold to it. Then told me that she has nothing more to give to me and that if I need more I could go find some sex on the side and that we would keep everything the same, she would still take care of the kids and everything else.

Crazy thing is, I can understand how that could be said in the heat of battle when angry but when everything cooled down a few hours later she reiterated it and told me the same thing.

This isn't what I want. But given the opportunity down the road do I really have much of a choice? If it were up to my wife I think we would have sex about 2 times a month. The rest of the time is just her appeasing me and now after all this I don't think I really have the heart to pursue her sexually anymore. Any advice?

Last edited by wed4ever; 5th March 2019 at 6:30 PM..
wed4ever is offline  
Old 5th March 2019, 6:34 PM   #2
Established Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Georgia
Posts: 4,696
You're in a sexless marriage.

You can eith live eith it or not. It's your choice.

I doubt very much anything will change.

I would divorce rather than have affairs. No matter what she says that will not work out and will cause even more damage.
Marc878 is offline  
Old 5th March 2019, 6:51 PM   #3
Established Member
 
central's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: NW Florida
Posts: 3,441
I would just divorce (that's what I actually did, and am better off for having done so). However, if you don't want to do that, then take her up on her offer. It isn't cheating as you have permission, but she probably won't want to hear about it. Finding a sex buddy as a married man may be a lot harder than you imagine, though, unless you go the escort route (if you can afford that) - or have a personality that attracts women. Divorce is just easier and a cleaner choice.
central is offline  
Old 5th March 2019, 7:04 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 300
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
You're in a sexless marriage.
Not true, or I'm in serious denial and can't see what is happening before my eyes.

My wife still wants it sometimes... just not as much as I do.

Is this how a sexless marriage happens? I hope I'm not going down that path.
wed4ever is offline  
Old 5th March 2019, 7:11 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 13,882
Quote:
Originally Posted by wed4ever View Post
wife told me I could have some on the side
wed4ever, what if your wife told you you could rob a bank? Run over a few pedestrians?

What's missing from your post is any calculation as to whether this is a good idea for you? Not her, not your marriage, but is this who you want to be?

Based on your username, I'm going to guess this isn't what you want to do...

Mr. Lucky
__________________
Happiness is not a goal; it is a byproduct -

Eleanor Roosevelt
Mr. Lucky is offline  
Old 5th March 2019, 7:13 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: East Coast
Posts: 62
OP, is there a possibility that she is getting her needs fulfilled else where? No intended offense asking.

If not, would she expect to be allowed the same courtesy at some point in the future? How would you feel about that if you both head down that path?
El Duendecillo is offline  
Old 5th March 2019, 7:46 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 300
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
What's missing from your post is any calculation as to whether this is a good idea for you? Not her, not your marriage, but is this who you want to be?
No it's not what I want to be.

Quote:
Originally Posted by El Duendecillo View Post
OP, is there a possibility that she is getting her needs fulfilled else where? No intended offense asking.

If not, would she expect to be allowed the same courtesy at some point in the future? How would you feel about that if you both head down that path?
I thought about the same thing. I seriously 100% doubt she is in any type of relationship or has cheated on me in the past. However, that doesn't rule out her secretly wanting that. I don't know. Maybe she has a guy pursuing her and wants an open relationship so she can explore but not ruin her kids and marriage at the same time. It's a serious thing to think about because it was a serious proposition on her part.

Still, I think that it would be a far fetched possibility at this point not worth focusing on.
wed4ever is offline  
Old 5th March 2019, 7:57 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Georgia
Posts: 4,696
Quote:
Originally Posted by wed4ever View Post
Not true, or I'm in serious denial and can't see what is happening before my eyes.

My wife still wants it sometimes... just not as much as I do.

Is this how a sexless marriage happens? I hope I'm not going down that path.
Look up sexless marriage a couple times per month is close
Marc878 is offline  
Old 5th March 2019, 8:07 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 578
Right or wrong, I told my husband (ex for 20 years) that too. I figured at least he'd be happier and that would be better for the kids and family overall than where we were. I wasn't having an affair and didn't want to- no time or energy.
Tamfana is offline  
Old 5th March 2019, 8:11 PM   #10
Established Member
 
GorillaTheater's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 9,914
If my wife tells me to go ahead and get some on the side, I'm going to be thinking that the marriage is over and all that's left is the paperwork.
GorillaTheater is offline  
Old 5th March 2019, 8:12 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 300
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tamfana View Post
Right or wrong, I told my husband (ex for 20 years) that too. I figured at least he'd be happier and that would be better for the kids and family overall than where we were. I wasn't having an affair and didn't want to- no time or energy.
So was it strictly a sex issue between you two or were there other underlying issues? What if he actually when ahead with it?

[No time or energy] I get that. But no matter how much I help out more around the house and watching kids it doesn't seem to matter. She will just fill that extra spot with something else.
wed4ever is offline  
Old 5th March 2019, 8:26 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Elswyth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 27,074
Is your wife a SAHM?


I honestly believe that except for a few people who are exceptionally well suited to it, being a SAHM is incredibly difficult and takes a huge toll on marriages. It's possible that your wife is "filling her time with other things" because she's desperate to get out of the house and live as a free adult for a bit. It may be beneficial for her to get a part time job and use the extra cash to send the kids to daycare - that way she might feel more like a lover and a woman, rather than being in "mom mode " all the time.



Have you both tried MC?
__________________
~Perfection is about accepting that we cannot control everything and letting go of some of our preconceived notions.~ -Spiritofnow-
Elswyth is offline  
Old 5th March 2019, 8:26 PM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 578
Quote:
Originally Posted by wed4ever View Post
So was it strictly a sex issue between you two or were there other underlying issues? What if he actually when ahead with it?

[No time or energy] I get that. But no matter how much I help out more around the house and watching kids it doesn't seem to matter. She will just fill that extra spot with something else.
I think he might have gone ahead and done it. He used to travel a lot and there was a woman in Germany that I think he spent time with. Oh yes there were underlying issues that resulted in divorce.

Elswyth's right about how many SAHM's feel. And there are some working moms too who come home from work to being in mom mode all the time because she's responsible for the kids and home by default and he helps at times. Unintentionally on everyone's part I'm sure, that can feel as though you're mom for the kids and the husband. You walk in the door from work and they all need from you or kind of act like "oh good, mom's home she knows or she'll do it." It is not sexy. At all.

Last edited by Tamfana; 5th March 2019 at 8:37 PM..
Tamfana is offline  
Old 5th March 2019, 8:42 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 300
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elswyth View Post
<snip>

Have you both tried MC?
I'm one phone call away MC. I'm all for it! I think it would be good because she won't listen to me but will listen to someone else. I've realized that us talking is pointless because she is too defensive that she's always right.

Yes she's a SAHM. Yes, I think that's a big piece to the puzzle. But she is extremely prideful and bull headed. I've brought up all the things you mentioned but she is too prideful. The F-ed up thing is she doesn't even need a part time job to send the kids to day care. We can do it on my salary. She's running herself into the ground and taking me with her.

And to put the icing on the cake, she wants to homeschool when the kids are ready to go to school (next year). I already said no f-ing way from day one years ago when the subject came up. The main reason is because I can clearly see she needs time away from the kids.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 6th March 2019 at 11:47 AM.. Reason: Truncate quote
wed4ever is offline  
Old 5th March 2019, 11:10 PM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 8,781
Not to be dismissive in any way of the work of a stay at home mother or the difficulties balancing the many responsibilities of life... but, it always kind of baffles me when a woman puts her children, her home, volunteer work, her job, literally EVERYTHING else ahead of her marriage and then, she expects to stay married.

The thing is, if a mother wants to provide her children a happy, healthy, financially stable, secure, two parent home... she needs to protect her relationship with their father. Making herself a martyr, shutting down, refusing sex, and refusing to communicate with her husband is not going to help the situation...

OP, if I was you I would be making that call to the marriage counsellor. I would also take your wifeís suggestion that you look outside the marriage with a grain of salt - itís a hell of a risk to take, only to learn that you were wrong.
__________________
If they love you, you will know. If they don't, you will wonder all the time if they do...
BaileyB is offline  
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
So if side chick basically told main chick whats up and mad me look bad basixlcally pjm123 Dating 9 28th September 2015 8:55 PM
Her Side / His Side centered General Relationship Discussion 6 26th June 2005 2:54 PM
The second side of this hell - refer to other bdarlin post for flip-side bdarlin Second Chances 4 11th May 2005 2:14 PM
Up and down, side to side, in and out - dealing with an ex? Gaz Second Chances 3 14th September 2003 11:27 PM
Should I have told him I didn't think that I could ever love anyone else? ka_raidergurl Dating 3 24th August 2003 11:41 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:43 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.