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if you're not sure you want to rekindle the romance


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Old 3rd March 2019, 2:44 PM   #1
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if you're not sure you want to rekindle the romance

I'm engaged and have a daughter with my partner. For the last few years the romance has been dying, I view this as starting when he stopped wanting sex. He was distracted with his own life, job and study. I understand it comes and goes with stress but after a few discussions he never did anything to change our situation. I was pregnant after a 1 off because it doesn't happen a lot. He didnt give me much affection, I asked him to rub cream on my belly and he asked why, I never got any extra attention but he does help with cooking and cleaning. He's not a mean person and he's a good dad but he has stopped trying with the romance.
Recently I found out he was on adult friend finder, he's been on sites like that before but says he doesn't use them to meet people. He also said he misses our closeness. Honestly i dont know if he has time to physically cheat. I've mentioned counselling and he said we'll talk about it but it never gets mentioned again. He doesnt apologise much or talk about what's going on. It's all ignored.
I'm at the point I dont want him romantically now, I'm not very mad. I'm just but resigned and I know I'm withdrawing.
I dont know if i want to try with him, I can't leave him either because I can't face the backlash from family and being single mum. He's applying for PhDs while i have to work to pay for bills, he doesn't help out much financially.
I feel so disappointed that things aren't working out like I'd hoped. I thought after my daughter I'd get to study and change careers and he would pay the bills. I only have my baby to make me happy.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 7:11 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by Liv_m View Post
Recently I found out he was on adult friend finder, he's been on sites like that before but says he doesn't use them to meet people. He also said he misses our closeness. Honestly i dont know if he has time to physically cheat. I've mentioned counselling and he said we'll talk about it but it never gets mentioned again. He doesnt apologise much or talk about what's going on. It's all ignored.
I'm at the point I dont want him romantically now, I'm not very mad. I'm just but resigned and I know I'm withdrawing.
Unless you're determined to add insult to injury, hard to understand how any of the above leads to an engagement?

Honestly Liv_m, most partners are motivated to work on the kind of issues you've described early in the relationship when the structure is still forming. Add in kids, bills and years together, things have a tendency to get set in stone.

So while I wouldn't advise you to stay or go, I will say if he's this dismissive, disengaged and uninterested in healthy boundaries now, don't expect this part of your relationship to get better over time.

Plan accordingly ...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 3rd March 2019, 7:26 PM   #3
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It doesn't sound like he's financially supporting you, so I'm honestly not sure of what your motivation is with staying here. Just the backlash you would receive from other people's opinions who don't have to live with him? He has hardly slept with you in years yet you find him on adult friend finder...where there is smoke, there is fire.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 7:58 PM   #4
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No sex for you, but he is on a hook up site. He is cheating.
Dump him.
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Old 7th March 2019, 12:45 PM   #5
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Are you sure about this?


I have had that website pop up in my web browser. It was an advertisment that poped up when I was looking at another website, not related to sex.
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Old 8th March 2019, 2:40 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by Liv_m View Post
I dont know if i want to try with him, I can't leave him either because I can't face the backlash from family and being single mum.
Hi Liv_m, I think you need to see a counselor by yourself. You will be guided through the decision process of if you want to stay or go, and you will be provided with an action plan.

Will your family seriously not love and support you if you become a single mom?
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Old 9th March 2019, 2:47 PM   #7
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You are a single mum. And you are supporting a man that you no longer want to be with. What is the upside to this?
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Old 15th March 2019, 10:51 AM   #8
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Thanks for everyone's input. I know he has signed up for the website because I can see it coming out his bank as a direct debit. He pays for a monthly subscription.
I know I won't get a huge amount of support from some family. My mum especially, it's hard to describe her, she would be so disappointed and it will end up being about her and how much I'm worrying her and my mistakes in having a relationship with him in the first place. It just seems like too much for me.
I will go to counselling though, that will be some help either way.
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