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Husband Said He Doesn't Want to Be Married Anymore.


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Old 1st March 2019, 3:14 PM   #16
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I agree with Mark. Insist he gets back in counseling as a condition.
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Old 1st March 2019, 4:52 PM   #17
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There is a lot of good to us.
I'm sure there is. However, you can't make him want to be married. Repairing a marriage isn't a one person job.
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Old 1st March 2019, 5:10 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by Queen of Hearts View Post
He is not a bad man. He is a good man with a bad past. I do love him, my daughter loves him and I know he loves me. I am only telling of the bad here as there is obviously so much more to our story. For the sake of brevity, I have only posted of the problems of our relationship. There is a lot of good to us.
Thatís understood. But the bad things youíre talking about would be dealbreakers for most people. Dealbreakers trump everything else.

The thing is, you obviously want to stay with the guy so thatís what you should do. It may come to a point where he doesnít give you a choice, so just be prepared for that.
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Old 1st March 2019, 6:30 PM   #19
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op,
people who are wounded the way he was as a child often work so hard at suppressing their pain they find it really hard to stop. They build up a wall so they don't have to, and this becomes their default setting.

It's like you have a cut that should have been sutured, but that didn't get done. Now a scar has formed, and while reopening the wound might make it feel better afterwards, the process can be scary, especially for a guy.



It sounds like you found it really taxing too, but you were able to do it anyway.

Do you think it's possible what your husband is really saying is that it's too hard for him to face his past, and maybe if you're not around, he won't feel he has to?
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Old 1st March 2019, 8:06 PM   #20
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I'm glad to hear that you're putting boundaries in place. I hope this includes not taking blame for the things you mentioned in your initial post.

Thing is though, you're making him doing counselling part of the condition to keeping the marriage together. But he doesn't want counselling and he doesn't want to stay in the marriage. Insist on counselling and it will likely mean he'll get even more determined to leave.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 12:44 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by Queen of Hearts View Post
I will not live the rest of my life in a bad situation, but I am not going to just quit. I am going to do my best to help him get the help he needs. If he chooses not to, then I will need to leave. But, I have to give him a chance.
I'll gently suggest, what you mean is another chance. Like after this:

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Originally Posted by Queen of Hearts View Post
I got pregnant in 2012 and lost the baby. Due to everything he was going through with the divorce, the kids, and his limited ability to handle such highly emotional situations, he was not there for me when I needed him the most.
And then another chance after this:

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Originally Posted by Queen of Hearts View Post
In 2013, while still not healed from the loss of the baby and his kids were doing their best to put a wedge in between us (via direction of their mother) as well as his “best” friend who did not like me (they are no longer friends) we broke up. H said we broke up because he was feeling blamed for the things that went “wrong in my life”.
And then another chance after this:

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Originally Posted by Queen of Hearts View Post
Before we married, H asked me if I hooked up with the guy mentioned above and I told him the truth. I didn’t want to start our marriage on a lie. My H is convinced it went on longer than and started before it did. I cannot convince him otherwise. In his mind, I am a cheater.
And after this, another chance:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Queen of Hearts View Post
In 2016 my H started to become very angry, critical, irrational and confrontational.

Over the course of the next 2 years every time my H got upset about something or I would try to talk to him about something that was bothering me (ex: dirty dishes in the sink) he would gunny sack me and pull out every other thing we have ever fought about, and it would eventually ALWAYS turn into something about me cheating.
Queen of hearts, I could keep going but hope you get the idea. If you spend your life wallowing in dysfunction, unhappiness surely follows. As they say in AA, you didn't cause, you can't control and you won't cure. So at some point, you simply have to decide how many more years you're willing to throw into the dumpster fire that has been your relationship with him.

As I said before, sometimes you simply need to make a healthy choice. Hope you make yours...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 2nd March 2019, 12:54 AM   #22
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Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
Thing is though, you're making him doing counselling part of the condition to keeping the marriage together. But he doesn't want counselling and he doesn't want to stay in the marriage. Insist on counselling and it will likely mean he'll get even more determined to leave.
Which means, as difficult as it may feel, you need to let him go...
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Old 2nd March 2019, 1:03 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by Queen of Hearts View Post
The crazy thing is that things are the best they have been in YEARS. There is no more screaming and fighting. He is no longer hurling unfounded irrational and illogical accusations. It was like this for about 3 weeks BEFORE he said he didn’t want to be married anymore. When I brought up to him how good things have been and how we are not fighting like we used to, he said it is because “he stopped caring.”

However, he will not show me any affection outside of kissing my forehead good bye in the morning or hugging back if I hug him first. There is absolutely nothing initiated from him. He will not have sex with me. He doesn’t tell me he loves me very much anymore.

I love him. I am committed to him. I made a vow for better, for worse. I am not going to quit.
I’m sorry, you realize of course that it takes two committed people to have a marriage. And right now, you are only one committed person.

For whatever reason, your husband has checked out. He may not have physically moved out, but he is giving you every indication that he is DONE - including telling you in plain language that he is done. Respect that. Let him go.

The truth is, this relationship has been an unhealthy relationship from Day 1. Bathtub-row is right, the “worse” you describe would be absolute dealbreakers for many other people. He is a very damaged man. If he is not willing to go to counselling and deal with his issues, there is very little that you can do.

I hope you continue your own counselling. I wish you the best.

Last edited by BaileyB; 2nd March 2019 at 1:22 AM..
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