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I have an admirer and husband is unhappy.


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Old 26th February 2019, 9:30 PM   #31
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Thank you all so much for your replies and thoughts on my situation.
I wrote a long reply, but my computer timed out before I could post it.
You've all given me a lot to think about and I appreciate all your thoughts.


This was the only gift my admirer has ever sent me, his attention started after I separated from my first husband, I was single, I didn't know at first that he was married and there was friendly banter.
After I found out he was married. I told him straight that I don't get involved with married men, and I have echoed that ever since.
He claimed his wife hated him, another workmate sort of confirmed this as their children played sport together and she had socialised at their house and I'm told his wife is very nasty to him. I sort of felt sorry for him and I continued to chat to him, I was always extremely clear on the fact that there would never be anything more than that.


As for a restraining order, I would never get one, I tried to get one on my ex- husband as he had beaten my son up and the courts denied it.
He is no longer at my work, HR have dealt with him over inappropriate use of the computer before he was let go. He also recently lost his house, so I have no idea where he lives.


I will address some of the your questions soon. Have to go right now.
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Old 26th February 2019, 9:44 PM   #32
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It's notoriously hard in the US to get a restraining order even in cases far scarier than this, and resulted in a lot of emotional pain, injury, and death. It's a huge issue. But it's nice that somewhere it's just that easy. I wonder if she took this route she'd have to take it up with HR?
Just go where the "gifts" are coming from:

eMail - contact the ISP
Texts - contact the cell provider
Gifts - contact the Postal Inspector
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Old 26th February 2019, 11:59 PM   #33
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As for my friend who my husband attends the sports club with, is she attractive? Not really, sheís 10 years older than me and twice my weight, I really donít think my husband is attracted to her and I really donít think he is trying to make out heís neglected. Iím also not worried about receiving gifts from my husband, but a little hurt he doesnít acknowledge or forgot that I have given him gifts.

As for bringing up prior grievances, that hasnít happened. I spoke to my husband on the day he made the comment and he was devastated that heíd hurt me. We havenít even talked about the gift from my admirer, he just rolled his eyes and his body language let me know he didnít like it. I plan on having a conversation with him about it and apologising for the upset it has caused him.

Iíve gotten rid of the gift and card. I will be having another firm word with the guy and will no longer reply or interact with him after that.

Writing this out and hearing your responses has made me realise that I have sort of acted in a retaliatory way and Iím still reeling from my husbands comment and am wanting to be desired by him, I will also be talking to him about this.

Hope this answers some questions and thank you all once again. Youíve been most helpful.
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Old 27th February 2019, 12:07 AM   #34
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I am sorry you are going through this. It is nice to have an admirer but not when you are married. I think the main question is, ďDo you love your husband?Ē Does your husband know how you feel? Does he see problems in the relationship? Do you see problems in the relationship? A caring professional will be able to offer you guidance and perspective for your marriage; a heart-to-heart can be beneficial. Healthy conversations can help to strengthen every part of your marriage.
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Old 27th February 2019, 1:24 AM   #35
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Thank you! Yes I love him and he loves me too. Iím 100% sure of this.
Weíre having an awesome conversation right now.
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Old 27th February 2019, 4:34 AM   #36
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Originally Posted by mrs rubble View Post
Iíve gotten rid of the gift and card. I will be having another firm word with the guy and will no longer reply or interact with him after that.

Writing this out and hearing your responses has made me realise that I have sort of acted in a retaliatory way and Iím still reeling from my husbands comment and am wanting to be desired by him, I will also be talking to him about this.

Hope this answers some questions and thank you all once again. Youíve been most helpful.

This sounds like a good way forward. Reassure him that you will never accept any such thing from the other man again. Definitely go NC with the other man, nothing good ever comes from maintaining contact with such people.



And then, separately, talk to him about your feelings re: gifts on occasions. I think your feelings are completely valid, you just need to express them in a way that doesn't make your H feel devalued. Tell him that gifts are a love language for you, and you hope that you and he will resume mutual gift-giving.
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Old 27th February 2019, 1:08 PM   #37
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Iíve gotten rid of the gift and card. I will be having another firm word with the guy and will no longer reply or interact with him after that.
Have that 'firm word' to the pathetic would be philanderer within earshot of your husband if you really want some strong positive results.
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Old 27th February 2019, 1:31 PM   #38
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So this creep has a wife, and a very nasty one. Then you should return his V Day card and gift to the wife. Let her take care of the creep. I bet itíd be more effective than a restraining order!
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Old 27th February 2019, 2:54 PM   #39
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What was the solution to this issue when you discussed it with your husband?
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Old 27th February 2019, 4:05 PM   #40
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What was the solution to this issue when you discussed it with your husband?
I screwed up and threw out the card in front of him, he said he was upset about it but knows I havenít done anything to encourage it. He also now acknowledges that his comment about my friends hurt me and we are both more aware of each otherís feelings.
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Old 27th February 2019, 4:40 PM   #41
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I screwed up and threw out the card in front of him, he said he was upset about it but knows I havenít done anything to encourage it. He also now acknowledges that his comment about my friends hurt me and we are both more aware of each otherís feelings.
Did you block the OM from contacting you?

Did you both get on the phone together and tell the OM to stop all contact?

You must be united and take action that sends a clear message to the OM - get aggressive withhom!

Show your H with action that you are willing to protect the M from this man.
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Old 27th February 2019, 6:26 PM   #42
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Mrs Rubble, it sounds like you're on the right path forward. However, I think that a 'firm word' with your creeper wouldn't do the job. You have to block him from contacting you. Text, email, FB..whatever he uses, block him. And do it without explanation. You need to go super cold on him.
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Old 28th February 2019, 1:58 AM   #43
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Basil. I have blocked him now.
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Old 28th February 2019, 7:54 AM   #44
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I'll bet in the end you feel better too...


Good for you...
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Old 28th February 2019, 12:36 PM   #45
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As for a restraining order, I would never get one, I tried to get one on my ex- husband as he had beaten my son up and the courts denied it. He is no longer at my work, HR have dealt with him over inappropriate use of the computer before he was let go. He also recently lost his house, so I have no idea where he lives.
I get the feeling you wouldn't do it anyway.

You've enjoyed his pursuit for 13 years. You KNOW he's married, and use the feeble excuse that some coworker saw his wife being nasty to him during some sporting event socials, so you 'believe' him when he says his marriage is awful and his wife hates him. So you 'feel sorry' for him and claim that's why you haven't told his wife what he's been doing for 13 years and why you've chosen not to shut this guy down YEARS ago.

You do realize how lame - and completely unbelievable - that sounds, don't you? You haven't shut him down because you like the attention and want it to continue.

You have to own your ****.
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