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I have an admirer and husband is unhappy.


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Old 26th February 2019, 11:43 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by mrs rubble View Post
I’ve been with my husband for 7 years, he knows this guy has never laid a finger on me and I would never let him as we are both married and I respect that.
He doesn't know this, he hopes this. And perhaps suspects otherwise.

We have (many of us I believe) seen cheaters act as brazenly or 'openly' to deflect suspicion.
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Old 26th February 2019, 11:47 AM   #17
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1. it is extremely difficult to have a restraining order put on someone. They need to show, consistently, that they are a threat to OPs safety. And sometimes that is not even enough. Actual stalking victims aren't even able to have restraining orders put out sometimes.

2. It's been 13 years, over a decade, that OP has told him to stop. Hes violated her boundaries and her wishes/consent over and over again. The fact that he persists has NOTHING to do with her. He clearly has an unhealthy obsession with her. She has NO control over what he does. This is not normal adult behavior. None of us would do this for this long.

3. If your husband is holding the fact that you have this "admirer" against you, that's an issue. I'm guessing most people will have others that have harmless crushes on them that come and go. If he's resenting you specifically for this, it's a problem he has to work out.

As for the other stuff, sit down and have a conversation with him about how you're feeling. See how he takes it in and reacts.
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Old 26th February 2019, 12:10 PM   #18
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Has he ever given you money?


Why haven’t you blocked him from sending texts?
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Old 26th February 2019, 12:29 PM   #19
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Mrs Rubble... not laying a finger on you for some many years doesn't change this man's feelings.. his advances are exactly that an advance that you should have rebuffed...my guess is that he hopes some day things will take a turn and he will be in the drivers seat

It isn't your fault that this man has put you both in a compromising position and he needs to pull back..

While I see if this guy was a family friend then it might seem okay but he isn't.. he is a guy that is smitten with you and has to give you gifts on a day meant for lovers...

I feel for your husband.. if my wife was accepting gifts from someone smitten with her I would feel hurt..
It's good that you straightened this guy out by showing him pictures but you need to stop all communication with this guy outside of work.

Time for a talk with hubby.. make this right...
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Old 26th February 2019, 12:39 PM   #20
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OP: Did you continue to reply to his text and email? You should have stopped responding after firmly telling him not to contact you. If I were you, I would return the card and the gift the moment I received them.

Was your husband like that (never give you gifts) before you got married?
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Old 26th February 2019, 12:41 PM   #21
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I have a different take on the admirer, and yes, my ex wife had far too many of these kinds of men in her life.

As a man, my first instinct is to defend my marriage and go confront this "admirer" myself. Unfortunately, I can't really do that on my own because even a very peaceful interaction leaves me vulnerable to all kinds of legal, occupational, and relational liabilities. I can't even take legal action because I'm not directly involved.

I could have intervened however, if my wife had asked me to assist her in shutting him down, and thus represented us as a united front and equal victims of his obsessive intrusion. She never did that.

You have never on your own applied a restraining order or human resources complaint to this man's behavior and have further alienated your husband by treating this as solely your concern. That kind of inaction comes with serious consequences for your relationship and may have a lot to do with why your husband has never felt like it was his place to give you gifts.

My ex eventually reached a place where she wouldn't open a card or gift from me. She had so cultivated the gift giving of other men I couldn't compete with her own grandiosity. Nothing was grand enough or expensive enough, etc. I'm not suggesting that you are in any way as disordered as she, but perception has a lot to do with people's silent reactions to us and your husband has been a witness to this inappropriate courtship for the entirety of your relationship.

Your admirer is slowly trying to breakup your marriage and he appears to be succeeding.

Last edited by Turning point; 26th February 2019 at 12:46 PM..
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Old 26th February 2019, 12:46 PM   #22
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OP: You come across as enjoying this stalkerís attention. His behavior (stalking me for 13 years!) would have creeped the hell out of me, tbh.
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Old 26th February 2019, 12:46 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by mrs rubble View Post
... can anyone help me sort my thoughts?
your husband is a control freak. tell him that if he doesn't change his ways that you will leave him
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Old 26th February 2019, 12:52 PM   #24
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Seems to me like you have a slew of issues going on and you and your husband both are out of line. You need to put a complete stop to this admirerís advances. If he doesnít stop when youíve asked him to, thatís called harassment. As far as your husband in regards to this, I canít imagine a man in this world being ok with another man sending his wife gifts. You shouldnít be the least bit surprised that he didnít like it. How would you feel if that were reversed - if a woman was wooing your husband? Regarding gifts, you need to let your husband know that you want the two of you to share gifts. Itís not about being materialistic, itís about showing you care. As far as your husbandís comment about your friends, let him know he needs to keep his lewd remarks to himself because saying things like that to you is just plain disrespectful.

The truth is, it seems you and your husband tend to goad one another. Like itís a competition as to who can piss off the other more by how much youíre desired or desire the opposite sex. Thatís a very dangerous game to play.
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Old 26th February 2019, 1:01 PM   #25
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Hello Mrs Rubble

I agree that it is unwise and immature of your husband to neglect your relationship by not reciprocating with something (gift, special activity, amorous note, preparing a nice dinner, anything) after you have clearly established that small/special things mean a lot to you. And it was boorish, inconsiderate and hurtful to make the "wank bank" comment. What a knucklehead . I hope he can get the message and make some changes fast, and that he starts to treat you like a lady and like you are the most important person in his life.

I also agree with others who have said that you haven't done enough to discourage and resist the advances from this admirer. Strong words, tossing the cards in the trash, unopened, and immediately passing on the chocolates to others or throwing them in the trash. After a couple times of him NOT respecting your request, it would be time to raise the stakes and get testy with him. If that failed to work, I would give serious consideration to sending everything back to his house and making sure his wife knew what was going on and hopefully she would step in and get her husband tuned up and straightened out.

As was already mentioned, the duration of the persistence of this guy is creepy as hell and would really bug me if I were in a similar situation.

Best wishes as you work to improve things with your husband.

Last edited by The Dude Abides; 26th February 2019 at 1:03 PM..
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Old 26th February 2019, 2:32 PM   #26
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You may wish to research whether there are stalking laws in your state.

You probably also want to have a nice chat with your H asking him to up his game a bit.
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Old 26th February 2019, 3:49 PM   #27
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Well, Numero Uno, you need to climb up your husband's butt about that comment he made that "we don't do presents" and either stop giving him presents OR make sure he knows you expect presents! What a turkey thing of him to say! Don't let that pass. Tell him you are not happy about not getting presents and that you are doubly unhappy that now all your friends know it!

Next, you need to tell your orbiter it's got to stop. He doesn't care if it's upsetting your marriage, so don't even tell him that. Just tell him, "Please, Orbiter, I can't accept any more gifts or cards from you and we have to peel back the communication, way back. It's not appropriate, and you know it. You need to find yourself a live one to bestow all that charm on because I'm taken."
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Old 26th February 2019, 5:55 PM   #28
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It's obvious that you care about material possessions far more than you care to admit.
If gifts were not important to you, there is no way that you would use your husband's refusal to give you presents as justification for accepting inappropriate gifts from another man.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting presents as a show of love. However, accepting gifts from a man other than your husband for many years shows lack of respect for your marriage. Be very honest with your husband about how the lack of gifts make you feel. Let your "admirer" know that he is not to send you any more gifts unless he want you to call the police on him.
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Old 26th February 2019, 6:35 PM   #29
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Originally Posted by camillalev View Post
1. it is extremely difficult to have a restraining order put on someone.
Perhaps where you live but, not where I'm from. She only need send him written notice to cease and desist - then he's fair game if he ignores it.
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Old 26th February 2019, 7:11 PM   #30
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrs rubble View Post
A man I used to work with has been sending me texts and emails for the last 13 years.
I have been denying his advances for 6 years before I met my husband.
This is NOT normal.


Quote:
Originally Posted by bathtub-row View Post
Seems to me like you have a slew of issues going on and you and your husband both are out of line. If he doesn’t stop when you’ve asked him to, that’s called harassment.

The truth is, it seems you and your husband tend to goad one another. Like it’s a competition as to who can piss off the other more by how much you’re desired or desire the opposite sex. That’s a very dangerous game to play.
Yup

Quote:
Originally Posted by mark clemson View Post
You may wish to research whether there are stalking laws in your state.

You probably also want to have a nice chat with your H asking him to up his game a bit.
Agree with this as well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Turning point View Post
Perhaps where you live but, not where I'm from. She only need send him written notice to cease and desist - then he's fair game if he ignores it.
And you're from where she's from? It's notoriously hard in the US to get a restraining order even in cases far scarier than this, and resulted in a lot of emotional pain, injury, and death. It's a huge issue. But it's nice that somewhere it's just that easy. I wonder if she took this route she'd have to take it up with HR?


Like I said earlier, 13 years of this is an extremely long time to sustain this level of attention on someone. Beyond the fact that it's skeezy to go after a married person, this is not normal behavior. It goes beyond a mere crush. I would be worried.
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